Stranger Than Fanfiction

by Chris Colfer

  “My mom probably thinks transgender means a rare tiger species,” he said. “When I was younger I was afraid to tell my friends because I was afraid of how they’d react. Now I know they’d accept me. I’m just afraid my honesty might hurt someone.”

  “You’re preaching to the choir on that one,” Cash said. “I’m guessing you’re talking about Topher, huh?”

  Sam glanced at him like the actor had read his mind. “How did you know that?”

  “Please, that kid is easier to read than Dick and Jane,” Cash said. “I’ve seen how he glances at you in the car and across the table at lunch. It’s adorable and pathetic at the same time.”

  “Well, that pendulum swings both ways,” Sam said.

  “What?” Cash asked. “You mean, you’ve got the hots for Topher? Well, you certainly hide it better than he does.”

  Sam nodded. “It was a recent discovery,” he explained. “I used to think I was hiding the truth from Topher to protect his feelings—I didn’t want him to get hurt when he realized the girl of his dreams was actually a guy. Now I realize I’ve been hiding the truth from myself to protect my feelings—I’m scared he isn’t going to like the real me or that he’ll be upset when he learns I’ve been lying to him. I’ll understand if our relationship doesn’t go beyond friendship, but I can’t think of anything worse than losing him completely.”

  “Jesus,” Cash said. “There isn’t a Taylor Swift song to get you through that one.”

  “Nope,” Sam said.

  Cash poured another round of whiskey shots, and neither of them felt the burn in their throats this time.

  “Forgive my ignorance, but is all of this going to change?” the actor asked. “Will you start liking girls after you transition?”

  “No, gender identity and sexual orientation are completely different,” Sam explained. “Most people don’t understand that it’s a separate issue and different for every trans person. There are a number of ways someone can transition, but it rarely changes their sexual orientation.”

  “Really?” Cash said. “I didn’t know there were options.”

  “Of course,” Sam said. “Some trans people are gender fluid and switch from female to male over time. Some are genderqueer and may relate to neither or form a combination of the two. Others are transsexual and emotionally and psychologically relate to the opposite sex, like me. You can change a body, but you can’t change a soul. The heart wants what it wants.”

  “Wow,” Cash said. “That’s incredible.”

  “Oh come on, it’s not like we’re magical creatures,” Sam said.

  “No, I meant you’re incredible,” Cash said. “Most people spend their twenties and thirties finding themselves, but you know exactly who you are before college. It’s really inspiring.”

  Sam had spent so much time focusing on his disadvantages that he never realized there might be an advantage hidden among them.

  “Thanks, I guess,” he said. “I’ve never thought of it like that, though. It’s a tough world to find yourself in, but an even tougher one to be yourself in.”

  “The world’s never been a great place, but that shouldn’t stop you from being your greatest self,” Cash said. “It’s not going to be easy, but is anything worse than living life as someone else? Look at me. I’ve pissed off every prepubescent science fiction nerd in the world by being myself, but I wouldn’t take it back. You might be scared now, but you’ve got to imagine how good you’ll feel once you cross the finish line. Let that encourage you, not your fears.”

  Sam agreed and tried to put on a brave face, but it was the first time he’d ever felt like someone was actually listening, instead of diagnosing. A couple more tears spilled down his face and Cash wiped them with his sleeve. Sam couldn’t believe he was still talking to the same man they had met on Sunday.

  “Where did all this insightful knowledge come from?” Sam asked. “Where was this guy while the other Cash was getting us stoned and giving us fake IDs?”

  Cash laughed. “A lot of knowledge comes with transitioning, and you aren’t the only one going through that,” he said. “I’m turning into a big old has-been, remember?”

  Sam smiled for the first time that night. The actor poured them one final round of whiskey shots before they headed back to the Teepee Inn. Cash held up his Dixie cup to toast him.

  “To transitioning,” Cash said.

  “To transitioning,” Sam repeated.

  Chapter Seventeen

  THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

  The Downers Grove gang allowed themselves to sleep in on Thursday morning since it was one of the lighter days in their schedule. The extra hours in bed were very much needed after spending the previous night on the concrete of an abandoned theme park. Sam didn’t get to bed until three thirty after his rooftop talk with Cash, so he was especially grateful for the additional rest. He woke up with a slight headache from the whiskey but also with an enormous sense of relief. His problems weren’t over by any means, but getting a chance to talk to someone made his spirits soar higher than they had in years.

  At ten o’clock Topher, Joey, Sam, and Mo gathered outside the door of teepee number 5 to let Cash know they were headed to the car for their trek to Albuquerque, New Mexico. They could hear him talking on the phone through the door and the actor didn’t sound happy.

  “Hi, Carl, this is Cash,” he said. “Yeah, I lost my phone.… I’m calling from Amarillo.… Listen, I just got your message.… Is this something we need to respond to right away or can we wait until I’m back in Los Angeles? I should be back by Monday.”

  “We should wait by the car,” Topher told his friends. “It’s really messed up to eavesdrop on him like—”

  “A fucking lawsuit?” Cash yelled.

  With that, Topher, Joey, Sam, and Mo abandoned all their moralities and leaned closer to the door to hear the actor better. Mo even emptied her Starbucks in the grass and held the cup against the door like a stethoscope.

  “That’s completely fucked up!” Cash went on. “We’ve never begun stunt training this early before a shoot.… If they wanted to send a message they could have done it over the phone, not legal documents.… Damien wants it to leak and embarrass me.… Yeah, I know they don’t have all the information but I don’t want them to have it yet.… Because they’ll find a way to use it to their advantage.… Fine, if it’ll prevent a lawsuit from becoming breaking news, send them whatever you have to.… They can do whatever they want, but I don’t want anything announced until after, well, you know…

  Cash hung up the phone and emerged from teepee number 5 so fast the others only had a split second to reassemble themselves in a non-eavesdropping position.

  “Good morning,” they said in unison.

  Cash didn’t respond and didn’t look anyone in the eye.

  “Where are we going now?” he asked, disgruntled.

  “Albuquerque,” Topher said. “But we’re making stops at the UFO Observation Tower and Dinoworld along the way.”

  “Gotcha,” he said. “Well, let’s quit standing around and get to it, then.”

  The actor put on his sunglasses, pulled his backpack over his shoulder, and led the charge toward the station wagon in the parking lot. The Downers Grove gang shared a moment of uneasiness before following him. They had seen many sides to Cash Carter in the past week, but he was acting totally different today. He was groggy and grumpy, like the wind had been taken out of his sails. They knew something was wrong but didn’t want to ask.

  What do you think is going on? Mo mouthed to the others.

  I think it’s all starting to hit him, Joey mouthed back. Hopefully the observation tower will cheer him up.

  The station wagon pulled onto Interstate 40 with Joey behind the wheel and began its westward haul to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Cash didn’t seem like he was in the mood to talk, so everyone stayed silent and listened to the radio along the way. Cash could tell they were giving him space and appreciated it.

  “Sorry I�
��m so quiet,” Cash said. “I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

  “That’s okay,” Topher said. “Especially after the week you’ve had.”

  “I suppose so,” he said. “What’s this UFO Observation Tower thing, anyway? Why are we stopping for it?”

  “It’s the site of the famous UFO crash in 1948,” Joey said, but it didn’t register with the actor. “You’ve never heard of it?”

  Cash shook his head. “Guess I was too busy losing my virginity,” he said. “Sorry, that was rude. I should probably explain myself so you guys know my attitude isn’t personal.”

  Everyone else sat a little taller in their seats, anxious to know what his phone conversation had been about. The actor took a deep breath and rubbed his eyelids under his sunglasses before he explained.

  “I found out this morning that stunt training did begin yesterday. It always starts three weeks before production begins on a new season, and we aren’t scheduled to shoot until the middle of August. I think the St. Louis thing made the producers nervous and they moved training up a month to reel me in before I cause another scene. They threatened to sue me if I didn’t go back, but my contract clearly states I need two weeks’ notice before training begins, so my lawyer is taking care of it. Needless to say, my Black Swan is out today. So I’m going to keep my mouth shut until it all rolls off my back.”

  “No worries,” Topher said.

  “Yeah—take all the time you need,” Sam said.

  Three and a half hours later, on the one-thousand-and-two-hundredth mile of their initial two-thousand-mile journey, the car pulled into the parking lot of the UFO Observation Tower, a few miles beyond the small town of Santa Rosa, New Mexico. The tower resembled the Seattle Space Needle, but was about five hundred feet shorter, a quarter of the size, and made out of cheap tin. It was shaped like a flying saucer and suspended off the ground by five concrete pillars.

  The roadies parked the car and walked up a steep spiral staircase that ascended into the tower above. The inside of the UFO Observation Tower was one large, round room with a glass ceiling. The walls were covered in charts of various alien spacecraft and different types of alien species, and photographs of the most famous UFO sightings from around the world. Most of the unidentified flying objects were shaped like saucers, but some were triangular, and others were just orbs of multicolored light.

  The merchandise was just as cheesy (if not more so) as the stuff on sale at the jailhouse museum. There were THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE bumper stickers, EXTRATERRESTRIAL CROSSING road signs, and alien head antenna ornaments. There were tacky T-shirts that said WE COME IN PEACE, I WAS ABDUCTED AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT, and PROBE ME, I’M IRISH. There were also plush alien dolls, posters of Sigourney Weaver, novels written by Shirley MacLaine, and the complete series of The X-Files on DVD.

  Topher, Joey, Sam, and Mo were very amused by the items on sale, but Cash just rolled his eyes and sighed at everything he saw.

  There was only one employee working and she was sitting behind the checkout counter reading a book on her Kindle. Topher and the others were halfway through the store before she realized she had customers.

  “Hi,” Topher said. “Are you open?”

  “Well, hello, bonjour, hola, guten tag, buenos días, and kon’nichi-wa,” she said, and stood to greet them. “Welcome to the UFO Observation Tower, where you can find all your extraterrestrial essentials and exhibits at no extra price. We’re open every day except for holidays or unless I have jury duty. I’m Dr. Darla Plemons, owner and deep believer that the truth is out there. What brings you to the shop today?”

  Darla spoke with the energy and enthusiasm of a camp counselor on crystal meth. She was tall and thin and wore a vest with hundreds of alien-related badges and pins. The gang was instantly exhausted just by being in her presence. Cash even took a couple steps backward when she introduced herself.

  “We’re on a road trip from Illinois to Santa Monica,” Joey explained. “We’ve all read about the UFO crash that allegedly took place here in 1948 and saw on your Facebook page you had some exhibits about it.”

  “The UFO crash that allegedly took place?” Darla asked like she was speaking in front of a giant crowd. “My friend, if you think it’s all just a bunch of allegations, then the government has already won. I bet you believe we actually went to the moon and Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK, too.”

  “So the crash actually happened?” Sam asked.

  “Were George Washington’s teeth made of wood? Was Walt Disney cryogenically frozen moments before death? Was Beyoncé created in a Houston laboratory as an instrument for world peace?”

  This only confused them more, and they stared at her blankly.

  “Beats me, too,” Darla said with a shrug. “There’s absolutely no evidence to prove or disprove any of the theories I just mentioned.”

  “There’s a theory Beyoncé was created in a lab?” Mo asked.

  “When it comes to solving conspiracies, you should never look at the information they give you, only the information they don’t,” Darla said, and winked like a broken baby doll. “And when it comes to the UFO crash of 1948, the government sure spends an awful lot of time and effort telling us it didn’t happen.”

  “I can’t tell if that’s brilliant or just bonkers,” Topher whispered to his friends.

  “It’s 150 percent bonkers,” Cash answered.

  Darla clapped her hands. “So you guys want to see some cool alien crap or what?”

  She led them to the far side of the room to a square case that was covered in a black cloth. She put her hands over the top as if an exotic animal might jump out at any second.

  “Before these objects are revealed I think it’s important to give you a little history lesson,” Darla explained. “Picture it—New Mexico in 1948. Truman was president and there wasn’t a damn thing to do but reproduce, raise cattle, and die. Two lonely farmers named Elmer and Essie Fitzpatrick awoke one summer night to the sounds of their livestock going berserk. They ran outside to see what the problem was and they saw smoke in the distance. They hurried toward it as fast as Elmer’s clubfoot would allow. In the exact spot where this tower stands, the farmers discovered a crashed flying saucer and four dead bodies of extraterrestrial beings!”

  “Neat,” Joey said.

  “Whatever,” Cash said.

  “What did the farmers do?” Sam asked.

  “What any respectable couple would do upon such a discovery—they called the sheriff,” Darla said. “However, Elmer and Essie didn’t realize at first what they had discovered. Being simple country folk during the time of World War II—and blatant racists—the couple assumed the four little green men among the debris were Japanese fighter pilots. So the sheriff immediately called the military when he got off the phone with the Fitzpatricks. They drove up from a base in southern New Mexico and were at the scene of the crash within three hours—but it only took a matter of seconds before they realized what they were looking at. The military had the whole scene cleared in under an hour and they shipped the wreckage and the bodies off to some secret government facility. The Fitzpatricks were told the crash was just a weather balloon and the bodies were seasick little people who had stolen it. But luckily for us, that wasn’t before Elmer Fitzpatrick took a piece of the wreckage for himself!”

  Darla uncovered the display case with gusto, revealing a very thin piece of scrap metal.

  “That’s a piece of aluminum foil,” Cash said.

  “I see there’s a skeptic in our midst,” Darla said, and zeroed in on him. “If you think it’s a piece of foil, then answer me this: How could the Fitzpatricks get their hands on a piece of aluminum foil if there was an aluminum shortage in New Mexico during the late 1940s due to World War II?”

  “Fuck the Fitzpatricks—you could have stuck that in there this morning for all we know,” Cash said. “You can still see some chicken grease on the corner of it.”

  “You’d be surprised how s
imilar chicken grease looks and smells to extraterrestrial DNA,” she said. “Trust me, I have my doctorate in Ufology from the William Shatner Online Institute. Now, please follow me to exhibit number two.”

  Darla led the group to the opposite side of the store, where another square case was covered by a black cloth. She removed it at once and the others stared inside at a tray of oddly shaped pieces of metal.

  “What are those?” Mo asked.

  Darla looked around the room to make sure no one from the government was listening. “Those are alien implants found in abductees,” she whispered. “They’ve been removed from people from all over the world who have been experimented on by the tall grays, the short grays, the Nordic blonds, the mantis, and the Reptoids. As you can see, each alien species leaves a differently shaped object in their victims.”

  “What do the implants do?” Sam said.

  “No one knows,” Darla said. “The technology is so advanced we may never comprehend their purpose. Our best bet is that they’re some kind of tracking device—meaning the aliens could be listening to us right now!”

  “Those look like metal pieces from old board games,” Cash said. “Wait—that’s exactly what they are. That one in the corner is the candlestick from Clue, and the one in the center is the dog from Monopoly.”

  Darla shrugged. “I didn’t say all abductees are honest,” she said. “Some people will do anything for attention.”

  “Just abductees?” Cash said, and glared at her. “Because I’m pretty sure you’re full of shit, too.”

  The others were appalled by the actor’s rudeness.

  “Cash,” Topher said.

  “I’m sorry, but all of this is bullshit and anyone who believes this woman is an absolute moron,” the actor said.

  “Dude, chill out,” Joey said. “We’re just here to have a good laugh. Don’t take this too seriously.”

  “Sorry but I’m not laughing,” Cash said. “I don’t think it’s funny because people do take this stuff seriously—even when they’re told it’s completely fake, people believe in it anyway. Then, instead of facing the truth, they dedicate their whole lives to making it a reality and don’t give a fuck who it hurts in the process. Well, I deal with that enough already—I don’t need to go to an observation tower to see it. I’ll meet you guys outside.”