by Erin Trejo
Dani
“Do you know how disgusting that is?” I squeal as I hold a bucket and mop in my hands. Darren glares at me with a smirk on his face.
“I don’t think this is funny!” I snap making him laugh. Shyla nearly falls off the stool laughing at the look on my face.
“I warned you!” Darren chuckles taking the mop from me.
“You didn’t warn me that all men were this nasty, Darren! I mean come on. There is piss all over the wall. On. The. Wall. Who pisses up the wall?” I snap once more. I’ve been working here for the last few months at Darren’s bar and grill. He was nice enough to offer me and Shyla a job after we drank until we threw up on his floor. I can say it wasn’t my finest hour. I was missing Cross and Shyla thought she could help by taking me out for a drunken night. Needless to say when she dared me, I lost. I couldn’t find it in myself to take the dare and that hurt worse than anything. I haven’t been the same since he’s been gone. I think I’ve been through a majority of the stages of denial. I think I’ve been through it a few times. My chest aches every time that I think about him.
“Get your head out of your ass, Dani. Go wash up we have a huge crowd coming in.” I flip Darren off and roll my eyes before heading to the back to get cleaned up and get my shift started. Once I’m ready, I tie my apron around my waist and as soon as I step out of the door, I gasp. Sitting on a few of the stools at the bar is Stone and a few of his guys. I haven’t seen him but I have one of his guys, Trance. My heart races as my eyes move over the crowd that’s beginning to form hoping to see him but I don’t. My heart falls and reality is firmly back in place. I take a deep breath and step behind the bar with a smile in place.
“Long time no see, cowboy,” I tease. Stone looks up with wide eyes before a grin crosses his face. He stands from his stool and leans over the bar, pulling me into a hug.
“It’s good to see you. Didn’t know you were workin’ here.” Sitting back on his stool, my eyes tear up. Stone took care of me. He watched out for me even though he thought I didn’t notice. I saw the bike at the end of the road, sitting in the dark. I noticed the bike follow Shy and me to work.
“Yes, you did. How you been? I’ve seen your boys, but not you,” I say raising an eyebrow.
“Noticed that huh?” Nodding my head, he smirks.
“Just needed to know that you were okay. I know how shaken you were when you came home. Figured you didn’t want to see my mug.” Snapping my towel on his arm, he chuckles.
“I never said I didn’t want to see you. I just figured.”
“I know. It’s weird for everyone. What can I get you?” He orders some beers and whiskey which I supply before I get on my way. The bar is full but it’s the screaming kid in the back that has my attention. His mom looks out of sorts not knowing what to do with him. She’s held him, rocked him given him food. He wants nothing to do with any of it. I head in the back and make one of my famous around here milkshakes before heading toward the table. Dropping into the seat across from them, he looks up at me.
“How old are you?” I ask but he doesn’t answer. He just eyes me.
“He’s four. He hasn’t been feeling well,” his mom informs me.
“Oh, I know what it feels like to be sick but do you know what always helps me?” I ask him. He finally shakes his little head no. I grab the milkshake off my tray and set it in front of him.
“Vanilla always helps. Can you sit like a big boy and let mommy eat and you can have this one just for you?” His mom’s eyes fill with tears as the little guy smiles and sits next to her.
“Do you have kids?” She asks.
“No, I don’t. I love them though. They are so sweet.” His mom laughs and nods.
“You will make a great mom. Thank you for that.” I slide a straw over to the little blue eyed guy and stand from the seat ready to get back to work when I feel hands wrap around my waist. I gasp and nearly scream but when I turn around, Trance just grins at me.
“What are you doing here? Thought you were on a run,” I ask him but smile. He’s a nice guy.
“Are you tryin’ to say you didn’t miss me? We had a movie date that I had to cancel and now I’m repayin’ it.” His eyes sparkle with mischief and my chest tightens.
“I forgot! What are we watching? I want to laugh so a comedy is a must!” Trance chuckles and pulls me into him, his warm body heating mine.
“Whatever you want, princess. It is your night. Thought I’d come hang out until you get off tonight.”
“I’m getting off tonight? Damn. Trance I thought you didn’t swing my way?” I tease knowing the man is gay. How could I not tease when he walked right into that one. His eyes crinkle at the edges, his laugh happy. I’ve missed having him around. Trance and I have gotten close over the last few months. I needed someone when Shy was working and Trance just happened to be there.
“I don’t, but I could make an exception for you. Not sure how enjoyable that would be.” He laughs loudly sending vibrations through my chest.
“I wouldn’t want to ruin you. I’ve been told that I could turn a gay man straight.” Trance laughs harder, holding me closer. Pressing his lips to the top of my head, I sigh.
“I miss him so much, Trance.” His hands roam up and down my back trying to soothe me. He’s always trying to soothe me.
“I know you do. Things change in life, babe. You know that more than anyone. What you need to focus on is what you have now, in front of you.”
“A gay biker that might be falling in love with me?” Trance laughs again before playfully smacking my ass.
“Such a smartass. You have people that care about you, Dani. You have friends that are willin’ to do anything for you.”
“What the hell is happenin’ over here?” Stone’s voice booms through the room. I pull out of Trance’s arms, knowing he doesn’t know about him being gay yet. Trance might be a big tough biker but he still doesn’t know how his President will react to the news.
“Nothing. Why?” I smile cocking my head to the side as I study him. Shyla has really taken a liking to this man and I can see exactly why. He’s gorgeous. Stone crosses his massive arms over his chest and glares at me.
“You got a thing for my boy?” He asks point blank nodding toward Trance.
“Hell no. He’s just a good friend, Stone. Not many have been around for me,” I snap a little too defensively. I know why he hasn’t come around but it still hurt. Stone was good to me and then he just disappeared. He runs his hand down his face and sighs.
“I’m sorry, Dani. I know I just left you to fend for yourself. We had a lot of shit to clean up after that and just club shit.”
“It’s fine. I get it, Stone.” I start to walk around him but he grabs my arm dragging me back.
“It’s not fine! Shit, Dani. I’m so fuckin’ sick of all this shit. I can’t keep doin’ this. Not to you.” I stand in front of him wondering what the hell he’s talking about. Starring up at him confused as all hell, he looks pissed.
“What do you mean?” Stone shakes his head and turns on his heel, storming out of the bar. I look to Trance but he just shrugs.
“Where’s the camera?” I ask him.
“What the hell are you talkin’ about?”
“The camera. This has to be some kind of hidden camera show. If it’s not you are the strangest group of bikers I’ve ever met.” Trance laughs throwing his arm around my shoulders.
“We’re the only group of bikers you’ve ever met.”
“Not true! There was Nick and Bev. They were amazing. In fact, Bev is going to come down in a few months to visit.” Sticking my tongue out at him, he smirks.
“You’re a mess.”
“I know. Now go sit somewhere so I can finish working.”
Chapter 24
Cross
“What the fuck do you want me to do? Run back to her? Drag her into this shit again?” I thunder. Stone stands in front of me, his hands on his hips, a pissed off look on his face. Fuck him. I
don’t need this shit. Tipping the beer to my lips, I take a long pull.
“She’s been talkin’ to Trance! She’ll be in this shit one way or another, Cross! Don’t you fuckin’ see that? You’re gonna lose her.”
“I already lost her, Stone. I’ve tried. Fuck, I’ve watched her almost every goddamn day since I’ve been back! You know that! She needs to move on without me.” As much as that hurts, I know it’s the truth. Dani has a life now. She’s working, at least that’s where I assume she’s going, as I sit outside her apartment and watch her leave at three every afternoon. My chest clenches when I see her, the air is sucked from my lungs. She rarely smiles and that’s the worst part of all of this. I’ve ruined her to the point that she no longer looks happy and that tears me up inside.
“You know that’s shit! She needs you and you’ve been mopin’ around here for months. You haven’t touched a club whore or a pussy for that matter. You gotta be sittin’ there with blue balls, brother. Admit you love her and move on!” He snaps.
“I do fuckin’ love her Stone. I just can’t let her get hurt anymore,” I tell him.
“You didn’t get her hurt the first time asshole. You took care of her. You ran with her to keep her safe. What the fuck is wrong in that head of yours, Cross?” Sick of hearing his shit, I shove off the chair and head toward the gym. I can’t thank Stone enough for letting me stay here since I’ve been back, but I sure as hell won’t listen to him talk shit to me about Dani and my life. I know what I’ve done and I don’t want to rehash that right now. I need to focus on moving on and letting her do the same.
“You up for a little sparrin’?” Jersey, another one of Stone’s guys asks when he sees the look in my eyes. I nod my head and walk over, grabbing a mouth piece. I don’t need to lose any fucking teeth. I look down at my hands as I clench and unclench them. With my finger missing, it looks strange. The doctor did the best he could with it but it will forever be a nub. It hasn’t slowed me down, just throws me off when I don’t see it.
“That weird?” Jersey asks nodding toward my hand.
“Fuck yeah. It’s a piece of your goddamn body missin’, man. Don’t affect shit but still. Some days I try to use it like it’s there. Weird as fuck.”
“You gonna break those stitches open if we fight?” I shrug my shoulder.
“Don’t give a shit. I’ll wrap it up.” I go about wrapping my hand paying extra attention to that area before stepping into the small ring.
“You ever regret it?”
“What?”
“Takin’ her and runnin. We all know it’s been hell on you.”
“I don’t regret it, brother. I regret lettin’ her get so close and under my skin. I shouldn’t have done that,” I tell him truthfully. Jersey nods and leans against the ropes.
“You know I was in a similar situation with my old lady.”
“No shit?” He nods before he continues.
“Wasn’t a drug lord, it was her dad. He was a real piece of shit though. Sent some of his men after her. I saw that as an opportunity to make her like me. She didn’t.” He laughs starring off into space, remembering.
“What happened?”
“Took her anyway. She eventually saw what I was doin’ and came around. I thought I was fuckin’ up by lettin’ her get that close but after a while, I saw how much I needed her. Six years later and we have two kids. Life is good, brother. Sometimes you just have to accept that the bad things are what makes you who you are. The shit you went through together is what keeps that bond.” Listening to him talk, I think about that. The things that Dani saw with me and wasn’t afraid is what drew me to her. She didn’t see the killer I was. She didn’t care that I did things that most would find unforgivable. She saw me and that was it.
Jersey and I throw some good punches at each other. I think he’s mainly letting me take out my frustration and anger on him. I don’t go lightly either. We fight it out, both of us with our own reasons. Every time I blink my fucking eyes, it’s her I see. In my dreams, she’s always there. I don’t know how to shake this shit. I don’t know how to move past her and keep breathing. The whole time we were together, she made me feel. She made me think and that was dangerous.
“Fuck!” I roar watching Jersey lean back against the ropes. He knows what’s going on in this head of mine. He can see it, feel it.
“Don’t let her go.”
Chapter 25
Dani
“Now sashay, sashay and turn!” I’m teaching Trance how to walk a runway. Or at least I’m attempting to. Work was hell once again but I couldn’t dwell on it. Trance has been coming over almost every night and that makes me happy to a point. I watch this massive man as he sashays through the living room. I laugh so hard I fall over.
“Fuck off. I’m fabulous!” He snaps when someone knocks on the door. In my fit of laughter, I stumble my way over and pull it open to find Stone standing there. He looks pissed.
“What’s wrong with you?” I ask when his eyes move behind me. They snap back to mine and anger seethes out of him.
“You fuckin’ him?” he asks angrily.
“Trance? Hell no!” I laugh harder picturing how that would work. I suppose with a strap on… no that wouldn’t happen.
“He’s always around. Find him at your job, now your house.” Wow. What the hell is his problem?
“Stone, he’s a friend. Not that I have to justify that to you. Who I’m with his none of yo-“
“He’s alive, Dani.”
“Excuse me?” What the hell did he just say?
“He’s alive. He isn’t dead. He’s been at the fuckin’ clubhouse.” No. This whole time I thought he was dead. I hadn’t heard from him or seen him. Shaking my head slowly, Trance walks up behind me. His hands rest on my shoulders but that does little to ease the new ache in my chest.
“You knew this whole time?” I look up at Stone. “How long have you known?” Anger hits me hard. He’s known about this? How could he not tell me?
“He called me a week after all the shit. He was in the hospital for a week but when he woke up, he called me. He didn’t want you to know, Dani. He thought it’d be better if you thought he was dead.”
“Oh he did? He thought ripping my damn heart out and stomping it was all for the best?” I scream in his face before spinning and looking at Trance.
“And you? Did you know this whole fucking time?” He shakes his head slowly before opening his mouth.
“Not at first. I was out on a run but I found out when I came back. I was told not to say anything to you. I’m sorry, Dani,” he says with a sadness in his tone. My chest tightens as I let that sink in.
“He doesn’t want me anymore. Why are you telling me this now?” I look back to Stone for an answer.
“He’s not himself without you. I thought you were with this asshole,” he nods toward Trance. “So, I told him that. Told him he was losin’ you to him.”
“And?”
“And what? That’s what I told him.”
“He didn’t care. He isn’t here, you are. That’s all I need to hear. You can go,” I say dismissing them both. I brush past Trance but he doesn’t let me get far.
“Dani, I’m sorry. I was told I couldn’t say shit and I didn’t.”
“Get out. Both of you. You watched me cry! You watched me hurt for a man that I thought was dead! How could you be so cruel?” The door opens and closes, Shyla walking in from work. She looks between all of us before pulling me into a hug.
“I don’t know what’s going on here but you two need to leave,” Shy snaps at them. Trance moves to open his mouth but she just raises her hand in the air, pointing to the door. I bury my face in her shirt and let it all out. I tell her what I was just told and how my heart is breaking all over again. I didn’t know that hearing he was alive would kill me a little more inside. I thought what we had was something worth trying out but apparently I was wrong about that. Cross didn’t want to be with me. He let me think he was dead.
“Forgive and forget,” Shyla whispers in my ear.
“I have to, don’t I? He has his reasons, doesn’t he?”
“Yeah. We all know he did and if you don’t forgive him and forget him you won’t move on, Dani. I love you and I’m here for you.” She’s right. In order to move on you must forgive and forget. It’s how I moved on from my dad not wanting me. I forgave him in my head and moved on.
“I forgive him,” I whisper even though my heart feels like it’s going to crumble inside of me.
“Can we eat ice cream for the next week?” I ask and sniffle. Shy pulls back and grins.
“Ice cream it is and what goes with ice cream?” She asks shaking my shoulders a little.
“Jack?”
“Damn right! I’ll grab it out of the freezer, you get the spoons.”
Chapter 26
Cross
I stand outside their door with my heart in my throat. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t take it. The more I tried to push her out of my mind, the crazier I became. I thought staying away from her was the right thing to do. Keeping her out of harm’s way was smart on my part. Or at least that’s what I thought. I thought I could go on without her and keep living, but I was lying to myself. It hit me hard as hell last night when I talked to Trance. Everything he told me about what has been happening over the months, it killed me. She wasn’t happy. He told me that much. It hurt to hear because I still blame myself for most of it. Raising my hand, I take a deep breath and knock. I’m prepared for her to hate me. I’m ready for her to shoot my ass down and tell me to fuck off, but I just need to hear it from her. Then I can go on my way.
“Where is she?” I ask when Shyla comes to the door.
“Working.”
“Where?” Shyla crosses her arms over her chest. I didn’t expect her to be welcoming but I didn’t expect this either. I run my hand through my hair and sigh in frustration.
“You could have called her. You could have texted and told her that you were okay. Do you know how much that hurt her? The not knowing if you were dead or alive and then having to hear it from Stone? That was a bitch move, Cross.” I can’t say that she’s wrong. I thought about it. Calling her, texting her, coming for her but at the end of every day I knew she was better off without me until I couldn’t stand it anymore.
