The Bad Beginning

by Lemony Snicket

  ``Isn't this exciting?'' said a voice, and the children turned to see Justice Strauss, all dressed up in her judge's robes and powdered wig. She was clutching a small book. ``You children look wonderful!''

  ``So do you,'' Klaus said. ``What's that book?''

  ``Why, those are my lines,'' Justice Strauss said. ``Count Olaf told me to bring a law book and read the real wedding ceremony, in order to make the play as realistic as possible. All you have to say, Violet, is ``I do,'' but I have to make quite a speech. This is going to be such fun.''

  ``You know what would be fun,'' Violet said carefully, ``is if you changed your lines around, just a little.''

  Klaus's face lit up. ``Yes, Justice Strauss. Be creative. There's no reason to stick to the legal ceremony. It's not as if it's a real wedding.''

  Justice Strauss frowned. ``I don't know about that, children,'' she said. ``I think it would be best to follow Count Olaf's instructions. After all, he's in charge.''

  ``Justice Strauss!'' a voice called. ``Justice Strauss! Please report to the makeup artist!''

  ``Oh my word! I get to wear makeup.'' Justice Strauss had on a dreamy expression, as if she were about to be crowned queen, instead of just having some powders and creams smeared on her face. ``Children, I must go. See you onstage, my dears!''

  Justice Strauss ran off, leaving the children to finish changing into their costumes. One of the white-faced women put a flowered headdress on Violet, who realized in horror that the dress she had changed into was a bridal gown. The other woman put a sailor cap on Klaus, who gazed in one of the mirrors, astonished at how ugly he looked. His eyes met those of Violet, who was looking in the mirror as well.

  ``What can we do?'' Klaus said quietly. ``Pretend to be sick? Maybe they'd call off the performance.''

  ``Count Olaf would know what we were up to,'' Violet replied glumly.

  ``Act Three of The Marvelous Marriage by Al Funcoot is about to begin!'' a man with a clipboard shouted. ``Everyone, please, get in your places for Act Three!''

  The actors rushed out of the room, and the white-faced women grabbed the children and hustled them out after them. The backstage area was in complete pandemonium-a word which here means ``actors and stagehands running around attending to last-minute details.'' The bald man with the long nose hurried by the children, then stopped himself, looked at Violet in her wedding dress, and smirked.

  ``No funny stuff,'' he said to them, waggling a bony finger. ``Remember, when you go out there, just do exactly what you're supposed to do. Count Olaf will be holding his walkie-talkie during the entire act, and if you do even one thing wrong, he'll be giving Sunny a call up there in the tower.''

  ``Yes, yes,'' Klaus said bitterly. He was tired of being threatened in the same way, over and over.

  ``You'd better do exactly as planned,'' the man said again.

  ``I'm sure they will,'' said a voice suddenly, and the children turned to see Mr. Poe, dressed very formally and accompanied by his wife. He smiled at the children and came over to shake their hands. ``Polly and I just wanted to tell you to break a leg.''

  ``What?'' Klaus said, alarmed.

  ``That's a theater term,'' Mr. Poe explained, ``meaning ``good luck on tonight's performance.'' I'm glad that you children have adjusted to life with your new father and are participating in family activities.''

  ``Mr. Poe,'' Klaus said quickly, ``Violet and I have something to tell you. It's very important.''

  ``What is it?'' Mr. Poe said.

  ``Yes,'' said Count Olaf, ``what is it you have to tell Mr. Poe, children?''

  Count Olaf had appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, and his shiny eyes glared at the children meaningfully. In one hand, Violet and Klaus could see, he held a walkie-talkie.

  ``Just that we appreciate all you've done for us, Mr. Poe,'' Klaus said weakly. ``That's all we wanted to say.''

  ``Of course, of course,'' Mr. Poe said, patting him on the back. ``Well, Polly and I had better take our seats. Break a leg, Baudelaires!''

  ``I wish we could break a leg,'' Klaus whispered to Violet, and Mr. Poe left.

  ``You will, soon enough,'' Count Olaf said, pushing the two children toward the stage. Other actors were milling about, finding their places for Act Three, and Justice Strauss was off in a corner, practicing her lines from her law book. Klaus took a look around the stage, wondering if anyone there could help. The bald man with the long nose took Klaus's hand and led him to one side.

  ``You and I will stand here for the duration of the act. That means the whole thing.''

  ``I know what the word ``duration'' means,'' Klaus said.

  ``No nonsense,'' the bald man said. Klaus watched his sister in her wedding gown take her place next to Count Olaf as the curtain rose. Klaus heard applause from the audience as Act Three of The Marvelous Marriage began.

  It will be of no interest to you if I describe the action of this insipid-the word ``insipid'' here means ``dull and foolish''-play by Al Funcoot, because it was a dreadful play and of no real importance to our story. Various actors and actresses performed very dull dialogue and moved around the set, as Klaus tried to make eye contact with them and see if they would help. He soon realized that this play must have been chosen merely as an excuse for Olaf's evil plan, and not for its entertainment value, as he sensed the audience losing interest and moving around in their seats. Klaus turned his attention to the audience to see whether any of them would notice that something was afoot, but the way the wart-faced man had arranged the lights prevented Klaus from seeing the faces in the auditorium, and he could only make out the dim outlines of the people in the audience. Count Olaf had a great number of very long speeches, which he performed with elaborate gestures and facial expressions. No one seemed to notice that he held a walkie-talkie the entire time.

  Finally, Justice Strauss began speaking, and Klaus saw that she was reading directly from the legal book. Her eyes were sparkling and her face flushed as she performed onstage for the first time, too stagestruck to realize she was a part of Olaf's plan. She spoke on and on about Olaf and Violet caring for each other in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, and all of those things that are said to many people who decide, for one reason or another, to get married.

  When she finished her speech, Justice Strauss turned to Count Olaf and asked, ``Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?''

  ``I do,'' Count Olaf said, smiling. Klaus saw Violet shudder.

  ``Do you,'' Justice Strauss said, turning to Violet, ``take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?''

  ``I do,'' Violet said. Klaus clenched his fists. His sister had said ``I do'' in the presence of a judge. Once she signed the official document, the wedding was legally valid. And now, Klaus could see that Justice Strauss was taking the document from one of the other actors and holding it out to Violet to sign.

  ``Don't move an inch,'' the bald man muttered to Klaus, and Klaus thought of poor Sunny, dangling at the top of the tower, and stood still as he watched Violet take a long quill pen from Count Olaf. Violet's eyes were wide as she looked down at the document, and her face was pale, and her left hand was trembling as she signed her name.

  Chapter Thirteen

  ``And now, ladies and gentlemen,'' Count Olaf said, stepping forward to address the audience, ``I have an announcement. There is no reason to continue tonight's performance, for its purpose has been served. This has not been a scene of fiction. My marriage to Violet Baudelaire is perfectly legal, and now I am in control of her entire fortune.''

  There were gasps from the audience, and some of the actors looked at one another in shock. Not everyone, apparently, had known about Olaf's plan. ``That can't be!'' Justice Strauss cried.

  ``The marriage laws in this community are quite simple,'' Count Olaf said. ``The bride must say ``I do'' in the presence of a judge like yourself, and sign an explanatory document. And all of you''-here Count Olaf gestured out to the audience-``are witnesses.''

  ``But Violet is only a chi
ld!'' one of the actors said. ``She's not old enough to marry.''

  ``She is if her legal guardian agrees,'' Count Olaf said, ``and in addition to being her husband, I am her legal guardian.''

  ``But that piece of paper is not an official document!'' Justice Strauss said. ``That's just a stage prop!''

  Count Olaf took the paper from Violet's hand and gave it to Justice Strauss. ``I think if you look at it closely you will see it is an official document from City Hall.''

  Justice Strauss took the document in her hand and read it quickly. Then, closing her eyes, she sighed deeply and furrowed her brow, thinking hard. Klaus watched her and wondered if this were the expression Justice Strauss had on her face whenever she was serving on the High Court. ``You're right,'' she said finally, to Count Olaf, ``this marriage, unfortunately, is completely legal. Violet said ``I do,'' and signed her name here on this paper. Count Olaf, you are Violet's husband, and therefore in complete control of her estate.''

  ``That can't be!'' said a voice from the audience, and Klaus recognized it as the voice of Mr. Poe. He ran up the stairs to the stage and took the document from Justice Strauss. ``This is dreadful nonsense.''

  ``I'm afraid this dreadful nonsense is the law,'' Justice Strauss said. Her eyes were filling up with tears. ``I can't believe how easily I was tricked,'' she said. ``I would never do anything to harm you children. Never.''

  ``You were easily tricked,'' Count Olaf said, grinning, and the judge began to cry. ``It was child's play, winning this fortune. Now, if all of you will excuse me, my bride and I need to go home for our wedding night.''

  ``First let Sunny go!'' Klaus burst out. ``You promised to let her go!''

  ``Where is Sunny?'' Mr. Poe asked.

  ``She's all tied up at the moment,'' Count Olaf said, ``if you will pardon a little joke.'' His eyes shone as he pressed buttons on the walkie-talkie, and waited while the hook-handed man answered. ``Hello? Yes, of course it's me, you idiot. Everything has gone according to plan. Please remove Sunny from her cage and bring her directly to the theater. Klaus and Sunny have some chores to do before they go to bed.'' Count Olaf gave Klaus a sharp look. ``Are you satisfied now?'' he asked.

  ``Yes,'' Klaus said quietly. He wasn't satisfied at all, of course, but at least his baby sister was no longer dangling from a tower.

  ``Don't think you're so safe,'' the bald man whispered to Klaus. ``Count Olaf will take care of you and your sisters later. He doesn't want to do it in front of all these people.'' He did not have to explain to Klaus what he meant by the phrase ``take care of.''

  ``Well, I'm not satisfied at all,'' Mr. Poe said. ``This is absolutely horrendous. This is completely monstrous. This is financially dreadful.''

  ``I'm afraid, however,'' Count Olaf said, ``that it is legally binding. Tomorrow, Mr. Poe, I shall come down to the bank and withdraw the complete Baudelaire fortune.''

  Mr. Poe opened his mouth as if to say something, but began to cough instead. For several seconds he coughed into a handkerchief while everyone waited for him to speak. ``I won't allow it,'' Mr. Poe finally gasped, wiping his mouth. ``I absolutely will not allow it.''

  ``I'm afraid you have to,'' Count Olaf replied.

  ``I'm-I'm afraid Olaf is right,'' Justice Strauss said, through her tears. ``This marriage is legally binding.''

  ``Begging your pardon,'' Violet said suddenly, ``but I think you may be wrong.''

  Everyone turned to look at the eldest Baudelaire orphan.

  ``What did you say, Countess?'' Olaf said.

  ``I'm not your countess,'' Violet said testily, a word which here means ``in an extremely annoyed tone.'' ``At least, I don't think I am.''

  ``And why is that?'' Count Olaf said.

  ``I did not sign the document in my own hand, as the law states,'' Violet said.

  ``What do you mean? We all saw you!'' Count Olaf's eyebrow was beginning to rise in anger.

  ``I'm afraid your husband is right, dear,'' Justice Strauss said sadly. ``There's no use denying it. There are too many witnesses.''

  ``Like most people,'' Violet said, ``I am right-handed. But I signed the document with my left hand.''

  ``What?'' Count Olaf cried. He snatched the paper from Justice Strauss and looked down at it. His eyes were shining very bright. ``You are a liar!'' he hissed at Violet.

  ``No she's not,'' Klaus said excitedly. ``I remember, because I watched her left hand trembling as she signed her name.''

  ``It is impossible to prove,'' Count Olaf said.

  ``If you like,'' Violet said, ``I shall be happy to sign my name again, on a separate sheet of paper, with my right hand and then with my left. Then we can see which signature the one on the document most resembles.''

  ``A small detail, like which hand you used to sign,'' Count Olaf said, ``doesn't matter in the least.''

  ``If you don't mind, sir,'' Mr. Poe said, ``I'd like Justice Strauss to make that decision.''

  Everyone looked at Justice Strauss, who was wiping away the last of her tears. ``Let me see,'' she said quietly, and closed her eyes again. She sighed deeply, and the Baudelaire orphans, and all who liked them, held their breath as Justice Strauss furrowed her brow, thinking hard on the situation. Finally, she smiled. ``If Violet is indeed right-handed,'' she said carefully, ``and she signed the document with her left hand, then it follows that the signature does not fulfill the requirements of the nuptial laws. The law clearly states the document must be signed in the bride's own hand. Therefore, we can conclude that this marriage is invalid. Violet, you are not a countess, and Count Olaf, you are not in control of the Baudelaire fortune.''

  ``Hooray!'' cried a voice from the audience, and several people applauded. Unless you are a lawyer, it will probably strike you as odd that Count Olaf's plan was defeated by Violet signing with her left hand instead of her right. But the law is an odd thing. For instance, one country in Europe has a law that requires all its bakers to sell bread at the exact same price. A certain island has a law that forbids anyone from removing its fruit. And a town not too far from where you live has a law that bars me from coming within five miles of its borders. Had Violet signed the marriage contract with her right hand, the law would have made her a miserable countess, but because she signed it with her left, she remained, to her relief, a miserable orphan.

  What was good news to Violet and her siblings, of course, was bad news to Count Olaf. Nevertheless, he gave everyone a grim smile. ``In that case,'' he said to Violet, pushing a button on the walkie-talkie, ``you will either marry me again, and correctly this time, or I will-''

  ``Neepo!'' Sunny's unmistakable voice rang out over Count Olaf's as she tottered onstage toward her siblings. The hook-handed man followed behind her, his walkie-talkie buzzing and crackling. Count Olaf was too late.

  ``Sunny! You're safe!'' Klaus cried, and embraced her. Violet rushed over and the two older Baudelaires fussed over the youngest one.

  ``Somebody bring her something to eat,'' Violet said. ``She must be very hungry after hanging in a tower window all that time.''

  ``Cake!'' Sunny shrieked.

  ``Argh!'' Count Olaf roared. He began to pace back and forth like an animal in a cage, pausing only to point a finger at Violet. ``You may not be my wife,'' he said, ``but you are still my daughter, and-''

  ``Do you honestly think,'' Mr. Poe said in an exasperated voice, ``that I will allow you to continue to care for these three children, after the treachery I have seen here tonight?''

  ``The orphans are mine,'' Count Olaf insisted, ``and with me they shall stay. There is nothing illegal about trying to marry someone.''

  ``But there is something illegal about dangling an infant out of a tower window,'' Justice Strauss said indignantly. ``You, Count Olaf, will go to jail, and the three children will live with me.''

  ``Arrest him!'' a voice said from the audience, and other people took up the cry.

  ``Send him to jail!''

  ``He's an evil man!''

  ``And give us our money back! It was a lous
y play!''

  Mr. Poe took Count Olaf's arm and, after a brief eruption of coughs, announced in a harsh voice, ``I hereby arrest you in the name of the law.''

  ``Oh, Justice Strauss!'' Violet said. ``Did you really mean what you said? Can we really live with you?''

  ``Of course I mean it,'' Justice Strauss said. ``I am very fond of you children, and I feel responsible for your welfare.''

  ``Can we use your library every day?'' Klaus asked.

  ``Can we work in the garden?'' Violet asked.

  ``Cake!'' Sunny shrieked again, and everyone laughed.

  At this point in the story, I feel obliged to interrupt and give you one last warning. As I said at the very beginning, the book you are holding in your hands does not have a happy ending. It may appear now that Count Olaf will go to jail and that the three Baudelaire youngsters will live happily ever after with Justice Strauss, but it is not so. If you like, you may shut the book this instant and not read the unhappy ending that is to follow. You may spend the rest of your life believing that the Baudelaires triumphed over Count Olaf and lived the rest of their lives in the house and library of Justice Strauss, but that is not how the story goes. For as everyone was laughing at Sunny's cry for cake, the important-looking man with all the warts on his face was sneaking toward the controls for the lighting of the theater.

  Quick as a wink, the man flicked the main switch so that all the lights went off and everyone was standing in darkness. Instantly, pandemonium ensued as everyone ran this way and that, shouting at one another. Actors tripped over members of the audience. Members of the audience tripped over theatrical props. Mr. Poe grabbed his wife, thinking it was Count Olaf. Klaus grabbed Sunny and held her up as high as he could, so she wouldn't get hurt. But Violet knew at once what had happened, and made her way carefully to where she remembered the lights had been. When the play was being performed, Violet had watched the light controls carefully, taking mental notes in case these devices came in handy for an invention. She was certain if she could find the switch she could turn it back on. Her arms stretched in front of her as if she were blind, Violet made her way across the stage, stepping carefully around pieces of furniture and startled actors. In the darkness, Violet looked like a ghost, her white wedding gown moving slowly across the stage. Then, just as she had reached the switch, Violet felt a hand on her shoulder. A figure leaned in to whisper into her ear.