Losing Hope

by Colleen Hoover

  It’s also the first time I’ve ever had my heart impaled by a word before.

  I lift away from her cheek and look down at her. “Thank you.”

  She smiles. “For what?”

  For being alive, I think to myself.

  “For being you,” I say out loud.

  Her smile fades and I swear she looks right through my eyes and straight into my soul. “I’m good at being me,” she says. “Especially when I’m with you.”

  I stare at her for several seconds, then I have to lower my cheek to hers again. I want to kiss her, but I keep my cheek pressed firmly against hers because I don’t want her to see the tears in my eyes.

  I don’t want her to see how much it hurts to know she can be this close to me . . . and somehow not remember me.

  Chapter Thirty-five-and-a-half

  * * *

  Dear all dead people who aren’t Les, since I’m not writing letters to Les anymore,

  I’ve loved Hope since we were kids.

  But tonight?

  Tonight I fell in love with Sky.

  H

  Chapter Thirty-six

  * * *

  Les,

  I know I said I wasn’t writing to you anymore. Shut up. I’m still not writing in that notebook because I don’t want to touch it, knowing that letter from you is in there. I can’t read it, so I just bought a new notebook. Problem solved. Now I need to catch you up.

  I’ve been dating Sky for a month now. She still hasn’t had any recollection of me or you or all of us as kids. I keep catching myself almost slipping up, but luckily I haven’t.

  Remember that guy I got arrested for beating up last year? The one who was talking shit about you? Well, his brother finally said something to me today. I’ve been waiting for him . . . or anyone, really . . . to bring it up since the day I got back to school. It would have been fine had he just confronted me, but he didn’t. He had to use Sky and Breckin and even you as a way to get back at me. He started talking shit about them to me at lunch and I swear to God, Les. I wanted to hurt him just as badly as I hurt his brother. Actually, I probably would have hurt him worse than I hurt his brother had Sky not been there.

  She saw where my mind was going and she immediately pulled me out of the situation, forcing me out of the lunchroom. When we made it to my car in the parking lot I just completely broke down on her. It was like the entire past year of my life was repeatedly punching me in the gut and I just had to get it out. I told Sky everything I was feeling and for the first time since it happened . . . I admitted to myself and out loud that I was the one in the wrong. And I also admitted for the first time that you were in the wrong. I told Sky how pissed I was at you. How angry I’ve been since the second I walked in and found you lifeless in your bed. I’ve been so mad at you, Les, for so many things.

  But the thing that pissed me off the most was the fact that you never once thought about what it would do to me when I found you. You knew I would be the one to find you and the fact that you knew that and you still killed yourself?

  I hated that you did it anyway, knowing you wouldn’t be the only one who died. I was so mad because you let me die, too.

  Sky’s right. I’ve got to let go of the blame. But until Sky knows the truth, I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive myself. I’m not even ready to forgive you.

  H

  Chapter Thirty-seven

  * * *

  I’ve never brought her to my house before, even though we’ve been dating for a month now. Hope spent a lot of time at our house when we were kids, so I’m worried my mother will recognize her and say something when she meets her. So until Sky knows the truth about her past, I don’t want to risk her finding out from anyone other than me.

  I don’t want Sky to think I don’t want her to be a part of my life by never allowing her to come to my house or meet my family, so I’ve taken the opportunity to bring her here tonight since I know my mother won’t be home. And even though we’re finally alone, kissing on my bed, I don’t feel right about it. The night didn’t start out well and the guilt from everything that has happened up to this point is in the forefront of my mind, even though I’d rather my mind be focused on the moment.

  She’s been distant all day and I should have known it was my fault somehow. After we left the art gallery where we went to support Breckin and his boyfriend, Max, she hardly spoke two words to me. I wondered if it had something to do with last night and sure enough, it had everything to do with last night.

  After my mother’s Halloween party at the law firm yesterday, where I may or may not have snuck too many drinks, I went to Sky’s house and crawled through her window. Things were good and we fell asleep, only to wake up to her crying hysterically. She was crying and shaking and I’ve never seen anyone react to a nightmare like that.

  Ever.

  It scared the shit out of me. Mostly because I didn’t know how to help her, but also because I really didn’t know where the hell I was when I woke up next to her. I was still a little buzzed from the drinks and I had little recollection of even leaving my house and sneaking into her bedroom. It scared me to know that I was around her while I was incoherent. I was scared that I might have let something slip about her past. I held her until she stopped crying but then I left because I could still feel the effects of the alcohol and I really didn’t want to say something to screw all this up.

  But apparently I did, because earlier when we were downstairs, she said something about Hope. She said her name and it completely stunned me. Knocked the breath out of me. And if I wasn’t trying my damndest to act like I didn’t know what she was talking about., it would have knocked me to my knees.

  But I let her explain herself and it turns out my fears were dead-on about being around her while I wasn’t completely coherent. Apparently I mumbled Hope’s name instead of Sky’s, and for the entire past day she’s been making herself sick about it. She’s been thinking Hope was someone else entirely and the thought of her thinking I would want or need or even entertain the thought of another girl just completely breaks my heart.

  So right now, I’m doing everything I can to show her that she’s the only girl I think about.

  Just her.

  I’m kissing her, propped up on my hands and knees, attempting to avoid making her feel like I brought her here for anything other than to just spend time with her.

  But she is wearing a dress again.

  After those two hours in Daniel’s basement I think we were both pretty impressed with how well my hands and her dress became acquainted. We were also pretty impressed with how well my hands and the clothing under her dress became acquainted.

  But now, here she is, wearing a dress again. And we passed quite a few firsts on that couch two weeks ago. So much so that it pretty much only leaves one more first to pass tonight and the fact that she knows that and I know that and she’s still wearing a dress has my mind jumbled and my heart racing.

  It also didn’t help matters that before we made it up here to the bedroom, we were making out on the stairs and she blurted out the fact that she was a virgin. I already knew she was a virgin, but just the fact that she was thinking about it while I was kissing her to the point that she actually blurted it out loud leads me to believe that she just wanted to warn me for when we got to that point.

  And I’m thinking she’s at that point, which is why she felt the need to clear the air downstairs, so she wouldn’t have to say it when it actually came to that point.

  To the point it’s at right now.

  The point at which I’m thanking the angels and the gods and the birds and the bees and sweet baby Jesus that she’s wearing this dress. If there’s one thing that can ease my guilt and allow me to focus solely on her for the time being, it’s this dress.

  “Holy shit, Sky,” I say, kissing her madly. “God, you feel incredible. Thank you for wearing this dress. I really . . .” I kiss down her chin until my lips meet her neck. “I really like it. Your dress.”
I continue kissing her neck and she tilts her head back, allowing me easier access. I drop my hand to her thigh and run it up under her dress. When I reach the top of her thigh I desperately want to keep going. But the fact that she’s allowed me there once before doesn’t mean I’m allowed there right now.

  But apparently I am, because she twists her body more toward mine, directing my hand to keep heading where it’s heading. Her hands crawl up my back just as my hand greets the panties lining her hip. I slip my fingers underneath the lining and begin to tug at the same time she pulls on my shirt.

  She begins to pull it over my head and I’m forced to move my hand away. I squeeze her thigh, not wanting to have to pull back, but I’m pretty sure I want my shirt off just as much as she wants it off.

  As soon as I lift up onto my knees, away from her, she whimpers. The sound makes me smile and after my shirt is off, I bend forward and kiss the corner of her lips. I bring my hand to her face and gently stroke her hairline, watching her. I know we’re about to pass the most significant first of all and I want to memorize everything about this moment. I want to remember exactly what she looks like lying beneath me. I want to remember exactly what she sounds like the moment I’m inside her. I want to remember what she tastes like and what she feels like and what she—

  “Holder,” she says, breathlessly.

  “Sky,” I say, mimicking her. I don’t know what she’s about to say but whatever it is, it can wait a few seconds, because I need to kiss her again. I dip my head and part her lips until our tongues meet. We kiss slowly while I memorize every inch of her mouth.

  “Holder,” she says again, pulling away from my mouth. She brings her hand to my cheek and looks up into my eyes. “I want to. Tonight. Right now.”

  Right now. She said right now. That’s nice because I conveniently don’t have any prior engagements right now. I can do right now.

  “Sky . . .” I say, wanting to make sure she’s not doing this just to benefit me. “We don’t have to. I want you to be absolutely positive it’s what you want. Okay? I don’t want to rush you into anything.”

  She smiles and strokes her fingernails up and down my arms. “I know that. But I’m telling you I want this. I’ve never wanted it with anyone before, but I want it with you.”

  There’s no doubt in my mind that I want her. I want her right now and she obviously wants me, too. But I can’t help but feel guilty, knowing I’m still deceiving her. I haven’t told her the truth about us and I feel like if she knew, she wouldn’t be making this decision.

  I’m about to pull away from her until she places her hand on my cheeks and lifts herself off the bed until her lips are touching mine. “This isn’t me saying yes, Holder. This is me saying please.”

  What was it I was thinking just now? Something about waiting?

  Fuck that.

  Our lips collide and I groan, pushing her back against the bed. “We’re really doing this?” I ask, not really believing it myself.

  “Yes.” She laughs. “We’re really doing this. I’ve never been more positive of anything in my life.”

  My hand resumes its position and I begin to pull down her panties.

  “I just need you to promise me one thing first,” she says.

  I pull my hand away, thinking maybe she’s about to tell me to go a little slower. “Anything.”

  She takes my hand and places it right back on her hip. “I want to do this,” she says, firmly looking into my eyes. “But only if you promise we’ll break the record for the best first time in the history of first times.”

  I smile. Damn straight. “When it’s you and me, Sky . . . it’ll never be anything less.”

  I slide my arm underneath her back and pull her up. I curl my fingers underneath the straps of her dress, then slowly slide them down her arms. She fists one of her hands through my hair, pressing her cheek to mine while my lips meet her shoulder. My fingers are still holding on to the straps of her dress.

  “I’m taking it off.”

  She nods and I grab the loose material at her waist and begin to lift the dress over her head. Once it’s completely off, I lower her back down onto the bed and she opens her eyes. I scroll over her body, running my hand down her arm and across her stomach, coming to rest on the curve of her hip. I let everything I’m seeing sink in because this is what I want to remember the most. I want to remember exactly what she looks like the second she hands over a piece of her heart.

  “Holy shit, Sky,” I whisper, running my hands across her skin. I bend down and kiss her softly on the stomach. “You’re incredible.”

  I watch my hand as it glides across her body. I watch as it slides up her stomach and meets her breast. I watch my thumb disappear beneath her bra. As soon as my entire hand has slipped beneath her bra, she’s locking her legs around my waist. I groan and wish at this point that I had more hands because they want to be everywhere, all at once. And I don’t want there to be any material in the way of their journey.

  I reach down and pull her underwear off, then remove her bra. I’m kissing her the whole time, even when I slide off the bed to remove the rest of my own clothes. I climb back onto the bed with her. Back on top of her.

  As soon as I’m pressed against her I’m hit with the revelation that I’ve never experienced or felt anything like her in my life. This is how it should be when people pass this first. This is exactly how it should feel and it’s incredible.

  I reach across the bed and pull a condom out of my nightstand. We haven’t stopped kissing for a single second, but I need to see her face. I need to see that she wants me to be inside her as much as I want to be inside her.

  I grab the condom and lift up onto my knees. I open it, but before I put it on I look down at her. Her eyes are closed tightly and her eyebrows are drawn together.

  “Sky?” I say. I want her to open her eyes. I just need one final look of reassurance from her, but she fails to open her eyes. I lower myself on top of her again, stroking her cheek. “Babe,” I whisper. “Open your eyes.”

  Her lips begin to tremble and she pulls her arms up, crossing them over her eyes. “Get off me,” she whispers.

  My heart sinks, not knowing what I did wrong. I’ve done everything I could to make this right but it’s obviously gone wrong somewhere and I have no idea where. I sit up on my knees and scoot away from her just as a violent sob breaks from her. She twists away from me and hugs her arms, covering herself. “Please,” she cries.

  “Sky, I stopped,” I say, stroking her arm. She pushes my hand away with her own and her whole body starts to shake. Her lips are moving and she’s speaking under her breath, but I can’t hear what she’s saying. I lean forward to try and hear what she’s trying to tell me.

  “Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one . . .”

  She’s counting in rapid succession and crying hysterically, curling herself into a ball on my mattress.

  “Sky!” I say louder, trying to get her to stop. I don’t know what the hell is wrong or what I did but this isn’t her and it’s starting to freak me out. She’s responding like I’m not even here. I try to pull her arm away from her eyes so she’ll look at me, but she starts slapping my hand away, crying hysterically.

  “Dammit, Sky!” I yell, frantic. I pull on her arm again but she’s fighting it. I don’t know what to do or why she won’t snap out of this, so I scoop her up into my arms and pull her against my chest. She’s still counting and crying and I think I might be on the verge of crying, too, because she’s losing it and I have no idea how to help her. I rock her back and forth and brush the hair from her face, trying to get her to snap out of it, but she just continues to cry. I pull the sheet up and wrap it around us, then kiss her on the side of her head. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, at a loss for what to do next.

  Her eyes flick open and she looks up at me, her whole being consumed with fear. “I’m sorry, Sky,” I say, still not knowing what went wrong or why she’s terrified of me right now. “I’m so sorry.�
��

  I continue to rock her, still not understanding what’s causing her reaction, but I’ve never seen eyes so terrified before and I have no fucking clue how to calm her down.

  “What happened?” she cries, still looking at me with eyes full of fear.

  She completely checked out and she doesn’t even remember doing it?

  “I don’t know,” I tell her, shaking my head. “You just started counting and crying and shaking and I kept trying to get you to stop, Sky. You wouldn’t stop. You were terrified. What did I do? Tell me, because I’m so sorry. I am so, so sorry. What the fuck did I do?”

  She shakes her head, unable to answer me. It kills me that I don’t know if I did something wrong to force her so far into her own head that she lost her grasp on reality.

  I squeeze my eyes shut and press my forehead to hers. “I’m so sorry. I never should have let it go that far. I don’t know what the hell just happened, but you’re not ready yet, okay?”

  She nods, still holding on to me tightly. “So we didn’t . . . we didn’t have sex?” she asks timidly.

  My heart sinks because I realize with those words that no matter what I try to do to protect her, there’s something tearing her apart. She completely checked out like I’ve never experienced before and there was nothing in my power I could do to stop it. I bring my hands to her