When We Fall

by Madeleine Labitan

  But then his words finally register, and I frown. "It's not what you think."

  "So I only imagined him hugging you?" he says coldly.

  "It was just a friendly hug. There was nothing to it."

  He ignores that. "You didn't answer my question. What was he doing here?"

  My skin prickles with annoyance. Is he seriously implying that there's something going on between me and Liam? That I'm cheating on him? Annoyance turns into anger, causing me to shoot him a furious look.

  "You gave me nothing but radio silence for days. It took me driving to your house to finally see you." And you didn't even look happy to have me there. "Now you're here, and instead of making up for practically ghosting me, you're jumping into an insane conclusion."

  Shame flashes in his eyes...and something else.

  Guilt.

  Torment.

  Regret.

  That's when it hits me. This is not about Liam. Liam just happened to provide the excuse he needed. Because he's not here to be with me.

  I hug my middle, drawing comfort within myself. "You didn't come here to make things right, did you? Why are you really here, Parker?"

  He opens his mouth to speak, but then closes it again, a deep crease forming between his eyebrows, his eyes downcast as if to avoid mine.

  Pain, hot and sharp, plunges through my chest, piercing my heart. The heart I know he's going to break with his next words.

  "Sawyer, I…" His Adam's apple bobs in his throat. "I don't think I can do this anymore."

  I suck in a sharp breath. I already knew what he was going to say, but it didn't dull the effect. It didn't soften the blow one bit. His words are like blades pricking my skin, burrowing deeply and spreading over my body. Getting stabbed with a knife would've been less painful.

  Tears well up in my eyes, but I refuse to hold them back this time. I let them fall. I let him see the hurt.

  Parker steps forward, as if he can't help himself, as if he wants to physically ease the pain he himself caused. But he balls his fists at his sides and stops, raw anguish arresting his features, as if it's killing him to say those words.

  But what about me? What about what I feel?

  I stare at him through blurred vision, letting out a hollow laugh. "Funny. That's not what I expected you to say when I told you I love you. Or didn't you hear it? Do you want me to say it again, Parker? Well, here it is. I—"

  "Peaches, stop."

  "No," I say in a harsh voice. "Don't call me that. You don't get to break my heart and call me that."

  "I know." He hangs his head in shame, but then raises his eyes back up, firm resolve shining in them, his expression closing down. There's no changing his mind. He already made his decision. "But I have to do this. I can't be the guy you need right now." He swallows hard. "I tried and I failed."

  My eyes flare with anger. "Do you even listen to yourself? You are so full of crap. Did you even think this through? Or did you make the stupid decision just an hour ago?"

  Parker shakes his head. "You don't understand."

  "Oh, trust me, I do. You're pushing me away, putting up a wall between us. Because it's convenient. Because you think it's the right thing to do. I don't know if you're trying to be noble or just a damn martyr. You'd rather be miserable than share your burden with me. You don't even want to try to make it work. When things get rough, instead of soldiering on, you run and give up. You're a coward, Parker."

  The look on his face tells me I hit a nerve. "Sawyer, please—"

  "You should go," I interrupt him coldly, wiping the tears on my face.

  His nostrils flare, conflicting emotions passing through his features. I can tell he wants to say something, but what?

  He already crushed my heart. And I already said my piece. What else is there to say?

  Maybe he wants to take back the words he said. Maybe he finally realized he's making a mistake. Maybe—

  "I'm sorry." Parker slumps his shoulders, and just like that, the last hope in my chest obliterates.

  A bitter smile curves my lips as hot tears stream down my cheeks. "Yeah, me too." Without another word, I turn on my heels and head back inside my house, leaving him with my heart crushed in pieces under his feet.

  CHAPTER 34

  Sawyer

  "He took your virginity and then dumped you? Wow, who would have thought that Parker Holloway was a special kind of asshole?"

  "Don't be harsh on the guy, Quinn. I'm sure he's just stressed out with what happened to his sister. He's probably not thinking straight and—who knows—he'll change his mind in a few days."

  "Damn right he's not thinking straight. He's being a complete idiot."

  I tune out the argument between Quinn and Brayden, numbly staring at the ceiling of my bedroom like it contains all the answers. But then, this is all I've been doing for three straight days. I haven't left the house. I didn't go to school. I couldn't even muster the energy to get out of bed. If Mildred hadn't been bringing food in my room, I wouldn't have eaten anything.

  Dad has been worried, so he took it upon himself to call my best friends and ask them to come over—at least that's what I heard him tell Mildred when he came in to check on me. He probably thought they could cheer me up.

  But no amount of cheering has helped. Nothing can uplift my mood. It's still as black as it's been the night Parker broke up with me. I'm no longer crying buckets of tears, but I don't feel any better.

  It still feels like my heart is being crushed into pieces, and I can't help but replay his words in my mind over and over.

  "I don't think I can do this anymore."

  He's so full of crap. But it doesn't matter what I think. It won't change the fact that he refuses to be with me. I tried reassuring him that I wouldn't get in the way of his obligations. That I'd just be there to help in case he needed me. But he didn't listen.

  If it was any other guy, I'd think that he was just playing me. That he'd broken up with me because he already got what he wanted.

  But Parker isn't any guy. I know him just as I know that he truly believes he did the right thing. He thought it'd be good for everyone.

  He'd rather be miserable than be with me.

  Quinn's right. He's an idiot.

  I abruptly sit up, startling Quinn and Brayden.

  "Please tell me you're thinking of kicking Parker's ass. We'll be so on board with that," Quinn says, a scowl creasing her features. She looks ready to go to war.

  Warmth floods my chest at that.

  Brayden shoots her a look before giving me a gentle smile. "You okay?"

  I scoot against the headboard and pull up my knees to my chest, shaking my head. "No, but I will be."

  He wasn't the first guy to break my heart, and he certainly wouldn't be the last. Just like with Liam, I'll move on from this. It's just going to take me a little while longer.

  No, Sawyer. It's going to take you a lot longer.

  I know. But I'll survive.

  Maybe I'm some kind of a masochist. It wasn't enough that one guy broke my heart. I had to go and let another one crush it. I didn't even wait long.

  "Has he come to school yet?" I find myself asking.

  Despite what he did, I still want to know if he's okay.

  "Yeah," Quinn nods. "He came in yesterday. He was even more broody and grumpier than usual. Now, it makes sense."

  I can almost see it. The deep frown on his handsome face like he's angry at the world. The way he stalks down the halls that warns everyone not to mess with him.

  Longing grips my chest, making my eyes burn with tears. And here I thought I was already done crying. Parker, you are such a jerk.

  The next thing I know, Quinn and Brayden are wrapping their arms around me, providing comfort and helping ease the pain the best way they can.

  I'm glad that they're here, but as pathetic and ungrateful as it sounds, their comfort isn't what my heart badly aches for.

  *******

  "I've read what you sent me."
<
br />   My heart practically stops as I stare at Ms. Langham across the teacher's desk, waiting with bated breath for her judgement.

  Over a week ago, I emailed her my admissions essay and writing portfolio. A lot has happened since, so I forgot all about it, until she reminded me when she asked me to stay behind. Which is probably a good thing, considering my stomach is a tight ball of nerves right now. It's not a good feeling to have.

  "So, what's the verdict?" I nervously prod, holding my books to my chest in a tight grip.

  "Well, I think they're great. Very well-written. You did a good job, Sawyer," she replies, smiling at me.

  Ms. Langham thinks they're great. My English teacher actually likes my writing.

  A huge grin breaks out of my face. "Really?"

  "Yes, I'm sure," she chuckles. Then adjusts her glasses on her nose. "Anyway, I took the liberty to make some edits, I hope you don't mind."

  "Oh, not at all." Like I'd complain about that. The fact that she bothered to edit my work, when she didn't even have to, means a lot.

  "Your dad must be really proud of you."

  I wince. "Um, he actually doesn't know."

  Her brows shoot up in surprise. "That you write?"

  "Yes."

  "May I know why?" she gently asks.

  I lift my shoulders. "Because I'm scared he won't like them? I mean, he's a bestselling author. Surely, his standards are high."

  Ms. Langham clasps her hands on top of her desk and leans forward. "I can't say I know your father very well. But I usually see him during book signings, where we often sit next to each other, and well, he always strikes me as an author who sees beauty in every written word. Someone who recognizes the amount of work and passion a writer puts into their writing." She gives an encouraging smile. "Don't be afraid to talk to him. Trust me, he'll be as impressed as I am."

  A rush of warmth shoots through my chest. Coming from Ms. Langham, those words mean a lot. They inspire me to continue writing and improve my craft.

  But then, something else registers. What did she mean when she said she sits by Dad during signings? The only author I know who does is E.L. Smith, and that's only because he jokingly refers to her as his "tablemate." So how—

  My eyes pop wide when realization hits me. "You're E.L. Smith!"

  She lets out a chuckle. "In the flesh."

  "Oh, wow," I breathe. "I can't believe one of my favorite authors is actually my English teacher." How did I not know this? I mean, if you think about it, it's actually pretty obvious. 'E' stands for Emilia and 'L' stands for Langham. A frown pulls at my brows. "Where did you get 'Smith' from?

  She tucks a tendril of copper-red hair behind her ear. "It's my mom's maiden name."

  I really should've known better.

  Well, I guess because I never really cared about stalking my favorite authors on social media. And although I do follow their Facebook pages, I don't check them often. Not to mention, E.L. Smith never posts personal pictures on her page. Which is probably why I never caught on to the fact that she's right here in Holy Oaks.

  "It really is a small world," I whisper in awe, still unable to wrap my head around it.

  "Indeed it is." She smiles before turning serious. "Think about what I said okay? Don't keep it a secret for long."

  I really will.

  A grateful smile warms my face. "Thank you, Ms. Langham. Seriously."

  "Now, go on and get to class. You've missed a few days. You have a lot to catch up on," she says, her voice tinged with slight disapproval.

  It's true. I did. All because of a boy. The boy I've been trying to avoid the whole day. It's hard, considering we share first period and sit next to each other in that class.

  Well, sat. I asked to switch places with Mitch Gibson who, I happen to know, have a huge crush on him. I felt his eyes burning my back the whole time, but I didn't dare look back, refusing to meet his gaze, pretending it didn't affect me.

  That was just a small reprieve though. I still have to deal with seeing him in the hallways.

  Which is why, when I step out into the hall moments later, I make sure to keep my head down. But it's not just because of Parker. Everyone knows we broke up, so eyes and hushed conversations follow me wherever I go. I don't want to see their pitying stares. I don't want to listen to their fake sympathies. I just want to be left alone.

  But as I round the corner, I make the mistake of glancing up, and my gaze instantly collides with a pair of dark, intense eyes.

  Parker.

  Longing twists my chest, making me slow to a stop, my hungry eyes eating up the sight of him.

  His hair is disheveled, as if he's been repeatedly running his fingers through it. There are dark circles under his eyes—the emotions swimming in them probably mirroring mine—and a day-old scruff lines his jaw. Although it's a new look for him, the rugged appearance doesn't make him look any less good. He's still a sight for sore eyes.

  Damn him.

  Rearranging my features into a neutral expression, I rip my eyes away and force myself to brush past him, my steps heavy.

  For a brief moment, I think I heard him say my name barely perceptibly. But instead of reacting to it, I square my shoulders and walk away without a backward glance.

  CHAPTER 35

  Parker

  It's been several minutes yet my eyes stay glued to the picture on my phone screen. Quinn uploaded it on Instagram just an hour ago. It's an image of her, Brayden and Sawyer, with the coffee shop up town serving as their background.

  Like a pathetic bastard, I stroke Sawyer's smiling face with my thumb for the hundredth time, desperately wishing that she's right in front of me so I can touch her in person.

  Touch her. Kiss her. Just fucking have her in my arms again.

  But I ruined every possibility of that ever happening again, didn't I? The smile that no longer reaches her eyes proves that. I see her every day at school, her eyes always downcast, as if she doesn't want to see the world around her, as if she'd rather be anywhere else.

  I did that to her.

  An ache, sharp and familiar, tightens my chest, gripping me for a long moment like what it's done the past week. Since the day I broke her heart and walked away.

  Why the hell did I ever think I could handle being with her and having big responsibilities at the same time? I should've done what I did the first time—left her alone.

  So you could watch another guy enter the picture and stake his claim on her? You know Liam would try again.

  Jealousy courses through my body, making me clench my fists tightly.

  Fuck. How am I supposed to let her go completely when just the mere thought of her with someone else makes me want to burn the world? But I did. I let her go.

  "When things get rough, instead of soldiering on, you run and give up. You're a coward, Parker."

  Her words had felt like a punch to the gut. But I couldn't blame her. I broke her heart like it was nothing—and just days after we had sex for the first time.

  And I had the damn nerve to be furious with Liam for hurting her.

  Not for the first time, guilt and shame wash over me for what I did, for what I put her through. I didn't deserve her. Maybe I never really did.

  Swallowing hard, I force myself to exit the app and put my phone down. When my head shoots up, I catch Jamie, Bennett and Giovanni staring at me from the pool table.

  A deep frown pulls at my brows. "What?"

  "You okay?" Giovanni asks.

  "Does he look okay to you?" Bennett retorts, setting the cue stick down on the table. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think his favorite pet just died."

  "But we all know he doesn't have a pet," Jamie chimes in, turning his assessing gaze on me.

  My scowl deepens. "I didn't know I was friends with a bunch of psychologists."

  Bennett smirks before heading for the bar in the corner of the gaming room. But instead of pouring whiskey like I expected him to, he takes out a bottle of wine and fills four glasses, ha
nding each to us before sinking down on the couch across from me.

  We stare at him incredulously, our collective expressions saying what the fuck?

  He just shrugs. "We're entering the girly shit territory so we might as well go all out." When we just continue staring at him, he adds, "What, you assholes need some ice cream, too?"

  Jamie rolls his eyes.

  "Jesus fuck, King," Giovanni mutters, shaking his head.

  My annoyed scowl remains.

  Bennett ignores the two of them and turns his attention to me. "Parker, man, I'm gonna give it to you straight. But don't come after my balls, okay?"

  "Why the hell would he come after your balls?" Giovanni says with incredulity, just as I grumble, "Just out with it."

  "Is there any reason—other than your outrageous sense of devotion to your family—why you're not with Sawyer right now?"

  "Outrageous sense of devotion?" I say through gritted teeth. What the hell is he getting at?

  "You know I have such high respect for you, right? You're the most responsible person I know. Your loyalty to your family knows no bounds. And, hell, you're more of a grown up than most of the grown-ups in this privileged town. You're—"

  "Bennett," I say in a clipped tone, cutting him off to hide my growing discomfort at his words, "is there a point to this other than you showering me with unnecessary compliments?"

  "My point is," he stresses, "you're being a big baby and an absolute idiot right now." When my eyes narrow into slits, he hurries on, "Hear me out, don't kill me just yet."

  "Want me to hold him down?" Jamie offers with a wide smirk on his face.

  "I'll help," Giovanni seconds.

  Bennett ignores them, downing his wineglass in one go. "In case you're not aware, you're not Romeo. And Sawyer sure as hell isn't Juliet. The two of you don't belong to warring families. Literally no one is getting in the way of you being together. So fuck that forbidden love shit you think you're in. Quit your pussyfooting and go get your girl."

  Silence hangs heavy in the room as I stare hard at him, a muscle working in my jaw.