by Taryn Belle
“I totally understand,” Dev said, stroking her arm. “I’ll be waiting right here for you when you’re done.”
Kiki nodded. She wanted to find a way to get back to their earlier conversation, but the pending meeting had her mind in turmoil and her stomach in knots so tight it was cramping.
“I should go, but...” She slipped her arms around him. “I want to know every little thing about you. Can we continue our conversation later?”
Dev smiled. “Of course.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
BREATHE. JUST BREATHE, Kiki told herself. But she was an absolute mess. As she sat waiting at a waterfront café done up in shades of pastel, she actually wondered if she might start hyperventilating. Her heart was beating so hard she was certain the waiter had seen it thumping through her T-shirt when she placed her order. Her voice had trembled slightly, and right now she could feel sweat gathering under her arms.
She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been this nervous. All the times she’d envisioned this meeting, she’d never even considered this aspect of it, and it narrowed her approach options down to one. There was no way she was going to be able to sit here and play it cool with this woman. Her only choice would have to be direct honesty.
Trying to wash away the cotton feeling in her mouth with a sip of water, she glanced at her watch. Four minutes before three o’clock. She’d arrived a few minutes early, and now she wished she hadn’t. It gave her too much time to think, and right now she was thinking that this whole scene was a very bad idea. If Victoria O’Hare turned out to be her mother, things would never be the same for Kiki. Her father had always told her that; why hadn’t she listened? Despite the hole her mother had left in it, she’d always had a good life. Right now she was the happiest she’d ever been, and it wasn’t just because that empty ache had been filled by Dev’s presence. It was because Kiki had learned to see the value in what her mother’s absence had given her, and because she’d started to acknowledge her own unshakable strength. Dev had helped her recognize that, but he hadn’t given it to her.
Kiki was squeezing her lime wedge into her water when the realization hit her like a tidal wave: Dev would never desert her. She knew it in her soul, just as sure as she’d known her father would never follow in her mother’s footsteps. It was what Dev was always telling her, and all she had to do was believe him. She could trust him with everything she had. Victoria’s call had come at the best and worst moment, putting the big admission she’d been ready to lay on him in perspective. It wasn’t the end of the world. Her body’s flaw might have made her think of herself as a failure, but that didn’t mean Dev would. He would tell her they’d find a way to make it work, and they would—it was as simple as that. And she didn’t need a mother who hadn’t wanted to be a part of her life for twenty-four years to complete her. All she needed was who she already had—Dev.
She had to get out of there. Kiki stood up, scraping her chair back loudly, and snatched her handbag up. She dug a ten-dollar note out of her wallet with shaking hands and dropped it on the table. She was hurrying toward the door when a middle-aged man walked toward her with a tentative smile. “Excuse me, are you Katherine Jones?” he asked in a thick Aussie accent.
Kiki stopped in her tracks. “Yes.”
He extended his hand. “Brad Silver from Webber Real Estate. Victoria sends her regrets, but she had to deal with an auction that fell through at the last minute. I’d be happy to answer any of your questions.”
Kiki gave him a lopsided smile. Abandoned again, she thought. “I’m sorry to have wasted your time, but that won’t be necessary.” She dug a business card out of her handbag and held it out to him. “Please pass this along to her.”
And then she left the café, walking through a door that held her past behind her and her boundless, uncertain, beautiful future right over the threshold.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
KIKI COULDN’T GET back to Dev fast enough. She couldn’t wait to tell him that he was all she needed, that she loved him desperately and wanted to be with him and only him for the rest of her life. After she told him about her infertility, which she’d blurt out the moment she saw him. She wasn’t even afraid of saying the words anymore—in fact, she wondered now what she’d been so afraid of. Dev would understand. He would barely even care—she was certain of it.
Her phone rang in her handbag as she was exiting a cab in front of her hotel. She dug the device out and looked down at the screen. “Dad,” she said when she picked up. “I’m so sorry I called, but I completely forgot about the time difference. I was hoping I hung up before I woke you.”
“It’s okay, honey. You know you can call me anytime.”
Kiki’s throat felt thick. She’d phoned her father the moment she’d gotten into the cab, eager to tell him about her aborted meeting with Victoria, her decision to let her search for her mother go...and especially Dev. But her heightened emotional state was making her sentimental. “I know. All those times in my teens, the calls you must have gotten from me in the middle of the night. You’ve always been there for me, Dad.”
“That’s a father’s job. But you’ve made it easy, honey.”
Kiki inhaled deeply to pull herself together. The doors to the lobby opened in front of her, and she passed through them. “Thank you. Listen, I just wanted to tell you... I decided not to meet with that woman, after all. The one who might have been Mom.”
“Well. That was a big decision,” Lawrence said in a measured tone. Calm as always, steady as that famous rock.
“I guess so. But you know, it’s funny. It didn’t feel big, somehow. It felt...like my life is full enough without her. Like I had to come all the way here to find her just to realize that I didn’t need to come all the way here to find her, if that makes sense.”
“It does.”
“And...there’s something else,” Kiki said, unable to keep the manic smile off her face. “I’ve met someone. And, Dad, he’s so amazing.” She inhaled again to keep her emotions under control. She was so full of love for Dev right now, it was as if her body couldn’t contain it. It needed to spill out of her, to surround him and pour into his heart, and she couldn’t wait for that magical moment. “I just know you’re going to love him.”
“That’s wonderful, Kiki. Does he have a name?”
“He sure does. Dev Stone.”
There was a brief pause. “Now, why does that sound familiar?”
“Does it?” Kiki grinned; that was a conversation that could come later. “You know, Dad, I was actually hoping to talk to Deirdre.”
“Deirdre?” He sounded surprised.
“Yeah. I know she’s sleeping right now, but I’ll try her tomorrow.”
“Of course.” He paused. “Was there a message I could give her?”
Kiki gripped the phone. Delivering this message through her father would be a cop-out. It was a conversation she needed to save for her stepmother’s ears, but her father was part of it, too. Over the years she’d seen his frustrations with their relationship, had known that it hurt him just as much as it hurt Deirdre to see Kiki push away the woman he loved. The woman who had only been doing her very best to bond with her stepdaughter and give her back her childhood. “Just...maybe you could tell her that I’d really like to spend some time with her next time I’m home.”
“Why, certainly, honey.” Kiki could tell by the smile in his voice that her words had made their point.
“I have to go, Dad. I love you.”
“I love you, too, bunny.”
Kiki hung up, practically vibrating with excitement at the thought of what she was going to do next. But as she turned toward the elevators, her perfect mood snagged. Bix was striding across the lobby with a small white bag in his hand. She flicked her eyes away, hoping he wouldn’t see her—or more likely, just ignore her—but no such luck. He veered toward her.
“A
h, Kiki,” he said with uncharacteristic friendliness. “Would you do me a favor?”
* * *
Dev stared at the email on his laptop, still wanting to believe it was all just a misunderstanding. But it wasn’t. In his gut, he’d known the truth about Bix for longer than he cared to admit. All these years. Had he really been so desperate to have someone on his team that he’d allowed himself to be completely blind? It was a thought that made him sick to his stomach.
Dev read the message once more line for line. It was a reply from Larry Weatherby, saying that Bix had told him that Dev had zero interest in songwriting for anyone but himself. Larry had been disappointed but not surprised, so he’d let it drop. And now he was informing Dev that he not only wanted him to write for his artists, he’d also like to discuss Dev moving into a producing role with him. It was exactly the change of gears Dev had been looking for, and Bix had kept it from him. How many other communications like this had he kept to himself?
At the door, Dev heard Kiki’s key card beep. He closed his laptop and took a breath to reset his mood. He would deal with Bix later—nothing was more important than this. Kiki had possibly just had one of the most life-changing experiences a person could have, and he would be there for her with every fiber of his being.
She stepped into the room with her eyes down. It didn’t go well, he thought, feeling a punch to his gut. He rushed over to her. He was about to take her in his arms when she finally looked at him. What he saw in her face stopped him in his tracks. “What...?”
“Bix wanted me to give this to you,” she said, holding up a paper bag. His heart stopped as he stared at it. No. “He said you might want it tomorrow if you change your mind.”
Bix again—Jesus. Dev felt like punching something. His manager had seen a potential weakness in Dev and Kiki’s relationship and tried to kick it wide-open because she represented everything that was a threat to Bix’s income: reassessing his life and his career, settling down, quitting the road. Dev knew now that was really all he’d ever been to him—a money train.
His legs felt weak. He dropped down into an armchair. “Kiki, I...”
“I wasn’t snooping. The label is stuck right on the bag.” She took a seat across from him.
Dev felt like puking. His mind was crawling, searching for the right words to make everything better again. He’d messed up. He’d known she was his forever girl, and that was what you did with the person you wanted a future with. Why hadn’t he just told her?
Because he’d never had his heart at stake before. Not like this. And now he had damaged their trust. He’d told Kiki she could trust him completely, and he’d held this back from her.
He leaned his elbows on his knees and put his forehead in his hands. “I decided to quit. Just this morning, how’s that for irony? But I’ve been wanting to for so long. I was just afraid to tell you, especially after what you told me about your mother. The drugs...” He tipped his face up to meet Kiki’s eyes, but she was staring out the window at the setting sun.
She shook her head. “You don’t have to feel guilty, Dev. Please don’t. I—maybe I already knew. It just didn’t seem possible, that you could do what you do without some kind of...help. There isn’t one part of me that thinks any less of you because of it.” Her eyes were on him now, intensely blue, filled with empathy. He longed to lose himself in them, to believe it was all going to be alright between them. But he couldn’t shake the feeling of foreboding crawling over his skin. “Do you know what happened to me today?” Kiki continued. “I was sitting in that café, waiting for the woman who might be my mother to show up. And, Dev, I had a total panic attack. You should have seen me—I was a wreck. I’ve never felt that way before, and all I could think was, How does he do it? That kind of stress was nothing compared to what you face night after night—all those rabid fans, so many people to please—but you do it! I know it scares the shit out of you, and that makes you the strongest person I know.”
Dev felt pressure well up in his chest. Kiki was so evolved, so compassionate that it made him want to cry. There was no other woman in the world who even came close to her, and he would do everything in his power to keep her. His throat felt like it was closing. He almost gasped aloud for air. He needed her as much as he needed oxygen. “You’re the first person who ever made me feel that way,” he said in an unsteady voice. “I always thought of myself as weak. I thought if you knew the truth about me you’d think of me that way, too.”
“You see? It’s the same way I thought you’d see me in the way my mother and ex-husband did. God, our false perceptions of ourselves can fuck things up.” She stood up and walked over to him. Dev watched as she lowered herself onto the floor until she was kneeling in front of him. He longed to reach out for her, to wrap her in his arms, to have her tell him nothing had changed between them. But something in her face stopped him.
As Kiki looked up at him, a tear tracked down her face. She reached her hands out and laid them flat on his thighs. “There’s something I need to tell you.” Her voice caught. “You want a family, Dev, and I can’t have kids. That’s why my ex left me. I’ll never be able to get pregnant, not even with IVF. There will never be a child who carries my DNA. So you see, if you choose me, a big part of your dream will die.”
Dev tried to make sense of her words. Four weeks. That’s how long they’d been together, how long he’d been falling deeper in love with her every single day. She’d known he wanted kids, and she’d taken this long to tell him. Because she’d been terrified to lose him, just like he had her. Afraid to reveal the most vulnerable part of herself.
It was all so familiar.
He shook his head. “Jesus, Strawberry. I don’t fucking care.” He leaned forward and took her face in his hands. He’d imagined telling her he loved her at a romantic restaurant, maybe, or in bed right before he entered her. But life wasn’t a fairy tale, it was messy and heartbreaking and soul-destroying at times, and he wanted to experience every part of that with her. He looked deeply into her eyes. “I love you, Kiki. I love you so much it hurts. My need for you tears me apart. There’s nothing in the world that could change that.”
Kiki’s tears were flowing freely now. “Oh, Dev...” She choked out a sob that wrenched his heart in two. “I love you, too. I think I’ve loved you from the moment you admitted that stupid prank you pulled on me in Paris. Or maybe even from the first time I felt you inside me. Or even that first kiss on the beach. I never in a million years dreamed I could ever feel this way about anyone.”
Dev’s tears joined hers. There was something horrible coming, there had to be. And as much as he was being ripped apart as if his very flesh were tearing, even more than that he couldn’t bear to see Kiki in pain. She squeezed his hands. “The thing is, is that...this isn’t how it should go, Dev. Right now we’re looking at each other with big hearts in our eyes, shot by Cupid’s arrow. But that’s not real life. A real life together would mean me getting on your case about quitting the road, because I know that’s what you want even though you don’t say it. It would mean me being secure enough to make a life with a celebrity that every woman on earth wants. It would mean you being patient while I try to figure out my next career. It would mean me saying no more to those pills you take, because they scare the shit out of me. It would mean you having a child with another woman’s egg, or maybe years of heartbreak and waiting if we chose to adopt. And all of that might seem doable right now, but time takes its toll. Believe me, I’ve experienced it firsthand. In a few years, the last thing I want is for you to regret who you chose to make a life with.”
Dev’s tears were flowing now, coursing down his face in an endless stream. He’d never felt so exposed and vulnerable, and yet he wouldn’t trade it for anything. It was the kind of pain that reached the very deepest part of him, the part of him that he knew no other woman would ever touch. “Oh, God, Kiki, I would never—”
“No.” She
gripped his hands tighter. “I can’t let you reevaluate a lifelong dream in one day. If we’re going to be together, you need to be a thousand percent sure of what you’re getting into. And the only thing that can guarantee that is time.” She paused, and Dev sensed it: another piece of devastating news. “I’ll help find you a replacement for the rest of the tour. I’m flying home tomorrow.”
A fresh wave of sorrow crashed over Dev. She was leaving. He’d go back to Moretta for a few days after he was done in Australia, and then he’d be on to the North American leg of his tour—without her. Time and distance loomed ahead of him, a lonely and gaping emptiness he wanted to smash into a million pieces.
He shook his head helplessly. “Can’t you see how this is killing me? You are my home, Kiki. You’re my everything. You told me once that I didn’t like the sound of silence, and you were right. I hated the chatter that went on in my head. It sounded like a monster was trying to fucking devour my brain. But I’ve been working on it. I’ll never be perfect, but I know I’ll never change my mind about you. You have to trust me.” His last statement fell on his ears guiltily. Trust. Both of them had proven the extent that theirs was damaged in the past hour, and Dev knew there was no way to put that faith in someone else until you’d put it in yourself.
Kiki held a hand up to him, and Dev grasped on to it like a man going under. “If we’re going to work, we need time,” she repeated. “I never told you what happened today. I walked out of the café before I met that woman, and you know why? Because I decided that the only person I need to complete me is you. But it took me twenty-four years to realize I didn’t need my mother in my life, and about a month to decide you were the one I needed instead. That’s beautiful, but it’s also dangerous.”
They looked at each other. The neckline of Dev’s T-shirt was wet with his tears. Kiki’s face was streaked with mascara. There was nothing he could say to change her mind, he knew that now. He had to let her go, lay himself at fate’s feet and trust that time would bring them together again. But for now, all he could do was sit here and feel the heaviness of his heart in every cell of his body.
