Weights of Wrath (Cipher Office Book 4)

by Smartypants Romance

  “Holy shit, Rosalind.” My hand grips hers tighter as emotion overwhelms me.

  “And you have a bouncing baby girl,” Doctor Chan announces proudly, and my knees go weak.

  It’s a girl? It’s a girl! I have a daughter. A beautiful little girl who is making it very clear she is unhappy to be out in this cold room.

  “Wow, has she got a set of lungs on her,” I remark with a smile, still enthralled as I watch the doctor and nurses work. I’m not sure what to do except sit here and hold Rosalind’s hand.

  “Do I get to hold her?” Rosalind asks, her eyes following our baby’s every movement. “I don’t want her to miss me. She needs me.”

  Dr. Chan looks up from where he’s still working at the end of the bed. “Of course. We’ll have a few minutes before we have to take her to the NICU. But first, I need one more big push from you so we can get the placenta out. Then we’ll bring her over.”

  “Can I…?” I clear my throat which has suddenly gone tight. “Can I go look at her?”

  “Of course, you can!”

  “Take pictures!” Rosalind demands.

  I fumble with my phone as I stand up, but quickly make my way to where she’s being weighed and measured and begin snapping random photos. Her cries have turned to whimpers and I don’t know how to help her, so I just do what comes naturally… I talk.

  “Hey, my little princess. You don’t need to be sad. We didn’t leave you.”

  A nurse smiles behind her mask. “She recognizes your voice.”

  “Really?”

  “Yep. See how she turns her head your direction whenever you talk? Try again.”

  “Hi, baby. We’re so happy you’re here.” Sure enough, just like the nurse said, there is definite head movement. I’m shocked and am surprised my entire body didn’t just turn into a puddle on the floor. Especially when her whimpers stop. I did that. I made it better for her just by talking to her. For the rest of my life, I just want to make everything better for her. “That’s right. I’m your daddy. You’re safe with us, baby girl.”

  “She’s not clean yet,” the nurse says as she rubs a towel over my little girl, getting the gunk off of her. “But let’s get her wrapped up so she can see her mommy before the NICU team gets here.”

  It takes just a few seconds, but suddenly, she’s handing me this little bundle of baby and I know I’ll never be the same.

  “Good morning, little one. Actually, it’s not morning, but it feels that way, doesn’t it?” I sway and bounce gently as I talk. “Do you want to meet your mommy? She’s right over here.”

  Rosalind reaches up and I guide the baby down to her chest, where the two of them seem to snuggle right into each other. I immediately take out my phone again to document this moment. I have never seen anything more beautiful in my life.

  “We did it, Joey,” Rosalind says through her tears. “We made this. Can you believe it?”

  With Dr. Chan’s nod, I put one leg up on the bed and curl in next to them, the three of us making our own little bubble of happiness.

  “She looks like you,” I breathe, barely comprehending how something so beautiful came from the worst one-night stand ever. I’ve never been so grateful for a bad decision in my life.

  Rosalind kisses the baby’s head and we stay like that for as long as they let us, the three of us a family.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  ROSALIND

  I can’t believe my baby girl is already twenty-four hours old. It took forever for her to get here, and she’s already growing up right before my eyes. And yet, she still doesn’t have a name. I guess in my attempt at denial of all things motherhood, we forgot she’d need one of those. Especially if she decided to come early.

  “What do you think of Arabella?” I ask Joey, as I stroke a finger down her perfect cheek. They’re plump and rosy. And they move when she dreams of sucking in her sleep. She is an absolute doll, and when I look at her, I swear my heart almost explodes. I’m so grateful she is healthy enough that she doesn’t have to spend all her time in the NICU and can be in here with me when she’s not attached to antibiotic fluids. I may have only been a mom for a day, but I don’t think I could stand being away from her.

  “It’s pretty. Do we call her Ari or Bella or Arabella? That’s a mouthful for a little one.”

  He sits down next to us and gazes down at her. He’s been doing that a lot over the last day. Not that I blame him. It’s hard to look away from perfection. All six pounds, fourteen ounces of her.

  “I don’t know. Maybe we can just try them all out as we go and see what fits?”

  Joey nods in agreement. “We’ve got time. Besides, she’ll probably demand we call her something random when she gets a little older anyway. Like when I was five and I made everyone call me Batman.”

  I laugh quietly, trying not to disturb the baby. “And they did? They called you that?”

  “I refused to respond to anything else. I mean refused. My mom finally gave up and decided it would be easier to let my kindergarten teacher break me of it.”

  I shake my head in amusement. “Arabella it is. What do you think of that, little one?”

  She lets out a little squeak and I take that as a sign of approval.

  “Speaking of my mother,” Joey adds. “What do you think of her middle name being Renee?”

  I look up at the man who is already the world’s best dad and smile. “I think your mother would be honored if we name her first grandchild after her.”

  He nods, and if I’m not mistaken, I see some wetness in his eyes. But that’s Joey for you. He’s a nut and says what’s on his mind, but he also has the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever known. I have no doubt that all the fears and concerns I had were for nothing. Joey will never stop fighting for our happiness and health. Never.

  A quick rap on the door has us both looking up to see Elliott poking her head in. “Is it safe to come in?”

  “Yes, please,” I call out and Joey hops off the bed to greet our first guests.

  Well, second guests. My parents were here the moment Joey called my mother and they finally left about an hour ago. Only because our latest nurse saw the look on my face and made up a story about us needing our rest since we are still considered “high risk” due to the chorio. I have no idea if there was any truth to it, but it got us a small reprieve from the hovering, so I’m grateful. Now, if only she would quit texting demanding updates. I really hope Joey’s mother is more tolerable when she gets here in the next few days.

  Elliott heads straight to the sink to wash her hands while Abel grabs Joey in a man hug. Words are exchanged, but I’m not sure what. I’m sure it’s all congratulatory since Joey wipes his eyes as they pull apart.

  “Go wash your hands,” Elliott demands of her boyfriend as he gives me a quick kiss of congratulations on my cheek and makes a face at the baby. Elliott pushes him out of the way and sits down next to me, oohing and aahing over the newest love of my life.

  “Rosalind, she’s so beautiful,” Elliott gushes, and I can’t say I disagree with her. “She looks just like you. Look at all that dark hair. Are you just in love?”

  “Yeah. I am. I didn’t expect it to feel like this, but it’s just so intense.”

  “I understand that.” Elliott carefully pets my daughter’s dark hair, and I appreciate how gentle she is with her. I know babies are hard to break, but this one is mine. I don’t want to risk it. “Does she have a name yet?”

  “We just decided on it. This is Arabella Renee Marshall.” Elliott gasps in approval. “We’re still trying to decide if she’ll go by a shortened version of her name, but Batman over there says we’ve got time.”

  Abel looks at Joey quizzically. “Batman?”

  “Never underestimate these guns.” Joey flexes his muscles at his best friend who laughs and engages in conversation about the joys of fatherhood and what it takes to raise a little girl.

  “There’s time for all that,” Elliott says. “It’s amazing how som
etimes they just tell you what they want to be called.” She tears her eyes away from Arabella to look at me. “And how are you now that she’s here?”

  Isn’t that the hardest question to answer? I’m ecstatic. I’m terrified. I feel strong. I’m afraid. I’m confident.

  “Mostly, I’m in love.”

  “With her or him?” She quickly tilts her head Joey’s direction.

  “Maybe a little of both, but I was referring to her.” I smile and then screw up my face as I resituate myself on the bed.

  “Still sore?”

  “A little,” I admit. Now that I have battle stories, I see the appeal in sharing them. “Apparently, I didn’t need any stitches, so hopefully everything will heal quick.”

  “You are so lucky. I had way too many stitches. It was hell to use the facilities.”

  “Worth it though, right?”

  Elliott nods vigorously. “Absolutely. I’d do it all over again for Ainsley. Not that I’ll do it again. And don’t you ever let Abel know I said that.”

  “Is he pushing you for another one?” This is news to me.

  “Nah. It’s a running joke, but neither of us wants that. We’re happy exactly the way things are.”

  I nudge her with my shoulder. “So, no ring anytime soon?”

  She shrugs. “Maybe someday, but I think we feel less pressure with the way it is right now. Who knows? If it were to ever happen, it would be a quick ceremony at the courthouse, so people get off our backs.”

  “You mean the girls?”

  Elliott giggles and pinches the bridge of her nose. “Someone at their school was a flower girl a couple weeks ago, so now that’s all they talk about. Maybe we can dress them up for Halloween and call it a day.”

  “You know that’s not going to cut it with those two. They’re never going to back down. The two of them together is always trouble.”

  “I know.” She looks back down at my angel and coos. “I’m hoping little Arabella here will distract them for a while.”

  “We’ll do our best.”

  “You really do look better,” Elliott adds reassuringly. “Except for the IV pole you’re attached to, you look physically good. And like you’re starting to get the feel of this whole motherhood thing already.”

  I sigh because there are so many thoughts and emotions still running through me. “It’s weird because I’m still scared, ya know? There are so many things that could go wrong. I mean, look.” I hold up Arabella’s little arm that has an IV port sticking out of some sticky gauze that’s been wrapped around to secure it in place. “She’s not even a full day old, and she’s already on an IV to keep her from getting sick. And what we have is mild. There’s just so many things to be worried about. Will that ever go away?”

  “Never.” From her tone, there is no room for argument on this one. “Every age carries their own concerns. The trick is you eventually learn how to balance out the fear of something going wrong with the joy of knowing that it’ll be okay in the end. And as long as she’s happy and healthy, all you need to do is enjoy raising her to be the best little person she can be.”

  She makes sense. “I guess I just had it in my mind that I needed to make things perfect for her. That if I didn’t do it exactly right, it was wrong.”

  “But what does exactly right mean? Ainsley likes doing her hair in the morning. Mabel doesn’t. Are either of those things wrong?”

  “No.”

  “Ainsley pops out of bed first thing in the morning. I have to drag Mabel’s covers off her to get her to even budge. Are either of those wrong?”

  “No.”

  “I think people forget that this little one right here”—Elliott looks back down and smiles—“she’s her own person. She has her own ideas and her own opinions. She’ll have her own favorites and her own goals. Besides the obvious ones, the only ‘wrong’ you can do is to try to make her be you. Just let her be her, safely and appropriately, and you’ve done exactly right.”

  “You make it sounds so easy.”

  “It is easy. The hard is because it’s constant for a while, and you do it on very little sleep. But once you get through those years, you’ll see it gets easier.”

  In all the times Elliott and I had these conversations, it’s been hard to wrap my brain around what she meant. But now, while I look at my little girl snuggled safely in my arms, content and happy, I finally understand what she means. And this time, I believe her.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  ROSALIND

  6 months later

  “How was she for you?” I ask Dinah as she lifts my baby off the floor and hands her to me. I can’t believe she’s already old enough to sit by herself. As soon as Ari sees me, her arms and legs start kicking rapidly, a gigantic smile on her face.

  It’s really the best feeling in the world when she looks at me that way.

  “She was perfect like always.”

  Once she’s in my arms, my sweet girl snuggles right into my neck, legs tucked under her body as I kiss on her curls. If you had told me six months ago I could love someone like this, I would have told you to stop hitting the sauce. But it’s true. I love her so much my heart physically aches sometimes. I didn’t even know that was a thing until now.

  As it turns out, a lot of my fears were exacerbated by what my doctor now thinks was some pretty normal depression. Whether it was hormone related or situational is unknown. What we do know, however, is that after Ari was born, it turned into postpartum depression. Joey is the one who caught it and brought it to my doctor’s attention. After discussing and shedding a bunch of tears in the doctor’s office that day, all it took was a mild anti-depressant to get me back on the road to feeling better.

  It also secured my trust that Joey doesn’t just love Ari. He loves me, too—enough that he notices my downward spirals, even if they’re so subtle I don’t see them myself.

  Several months later, I’m grateful. I can’t imagine still suffering in silence. It’s much nicer enjoying motherhood, even when it’s exhausting.

  Handing her over to Dinah again, Ari lets out a squeal of displeasure. “So impatient like your father. Hold on, my love.” I turn around so Dinah can help me secure the baby on my back. “Did she eat?”

  “And had a diaper change,” she says with a small grunt of effort as she holds Ari to me and lifts the Tula into place. “She’s ready for a nice long nap.”

  “Awesome. Thank you so much, Dinah. You have no idea how much I appreciate you,” I say as I adjust the top knot on my head. Ari’s latest trick is to grab a whole handful and yank when I least expect it. It’s not fun for either of us and she doesn’t need to be exposed to those words quite yet. Not that her daddy doesn’t say them on the regular but hey… we can still be ladies even if he is a scoundrel.

  Okay, fine. I’m the one who usually uses those words. And someday, she can use adult words, too. But maybe not as her first words.

  “It’s no problem at all, really.” Dinah finishes adjusting and helps me get my arms in the straps, so Ari is safe and secure for the next couple hours. “I wish all the babies were as good as she is.”

  I laugh because I know exactly what she means. From the beginning, she has been a good sleeper, a good eater, and almost always in a good mood. I feel like God knew how terrified I was and cut me a break. I also know lightning never strikes in the same place twice. “This is why I’m not having another one for a long time. I know exactly how lucky I am.”

  Probably noticing a mommy here, a little one with brown pigtails toddles up to Dinah, arms out for balance.

  “Oh my gosh,” I exclaim. “Is that Rian’s baby girl? She’s walking!”

  Dinah scoops her up into her arms. “Can you believe she is thirteen months old already? Seems like only yesterday Carlos was freaking out about decorating the nursery. Now, he’s freaking out about her college fund.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “Sounds like you’ve got a good daddy, Baby Evelyn. Don’t you?” I coo at her, making her
smile. She really is a cute baby. Looks like her mother.

  “Yeah, she’s got him wrapped around her little finger, and she knows it, too.”

  Just then, a couple of monsters race by.

  “Cooper! Ryder!” Dinah yells. “I’m not going to tell you again to stop running!” She looks over at me and rolls her eyes. “I gotta go. See you in a few hours.”

  I wave as I walk out the door, ready to spend some time folding clean towels.

  Ever since I got back from my maternity leave, the gym has been really supportive and family friendly to us. The childcare center isn’t licensed as a daycare, so they can only keep kids for a couple hours at a time, but it works in our case.

  I go to work alone in the early morning. A couple hours later, Joey arrives and drops Ari off with Dinah. Two hours later, Dinah helps me strap the baby to my back and I do the low-maintenance work while Ari naps, her little head leaning in to listen to my heartbeat. When she wakes up a couple hours later, Joey is in between clients, so he straps her to him while he focuses on paperwork and has his lunch break. Then back to the childcare center for an hour of playtime until I get off. My mother says Ari is going to be spoiled from being carried around all day, but I don’t care. My baby, my rules.

  Plus, it has been a godsend to not have to pay for daycare. It freed up the money we needed for me to take that GED class, which I passed with flying colors and awarded me the equivalent of a high school diploma. Training for my fitness certification starts in a couple months.

  So yes, Elliott was right—baby wearing has been a life saver. All three of us feel like we’re bonding, even if we’re working at the same time. Who says I can’t multitask?

  I know Ari will eventually be too old for this, and we’ll have to find help watching her, but I also know my mom, and at some point, she’s going to cave and want to spend a few hours a day with Ari. How can she not? She’s the most beautiful baby in the whole world.