Painted Vessels

by Gina Renee Freitag

  Hattie put a hand on his shoulder. “Let me dress it for you, Eli,” she said. He nodded and kept his eyes closed as she wrapped his finger in gauze. Ada moaned again, louder this time. How long had this been going on? Her reaction to the pain was getting worse. He turned and saw Rosa urging him over.

  “Sit with your wife,” she ordered. “Ada, I am so sorry, but your baby is coming now.”

  “No! Ooh, no…” she cried as Eli slipped his arm around her. His heart was racing; he hated this feeling! Ada squeezed her eyes shut. She went rigid and held her breath.

  “Ada, don’t,” he pleaded with her. She opened her eyes and looked at him with an expression that tore at his heart.

  “Our baby cannot come now! It’s too early,” she cried. “Eli, please! Help me.”

  “I can’t,” he whispered. “I’m sorry, Ada. I don’t know what to do…”

  “It’s a girl,” Rosa said as she handed the tiny bundle to Ada. Eli sat behind Ada, supporting her against his chest. He looked down at the baby in her arms. She could have fit in one of his hands.

  “She’s so small,” Ada said as tears rolled down her cheeks. The infant’s arm moved slightly as she struggled to breathe.

  Eli looked at Rosa. “Will she be okay?” he asked, pleading for some good news.

  Rosa turned to him and shook her head. “No, honey… She’s just too little.”

  “Is she in any pain?” Ada asked with a shaky voice.

  “I don’t think so,” Rosa answered. Ada closed her eyes and continued to cry in silence.

  “How long…” Eli tried to ask, but his voice broke.

  “A couple hours, perhaps. I am so sorry.” Rosa’s face was wet with her own tears. She placed a hand on each of their arms. “I want you both to listen carefully and try to hear what I’m saying. I know this is hard, but please try to put your grief aside for later. There will be a time for that. Hold onto your baby and give her as much love and attention as you can. This, right now, is the time you’ve been given. This is what you will remember when you think back on her short life. Try to take in every detail and cherish every second you have with her.” She reached up and wiped Ada’s eyes. “Make this time something you will remember fondly. It won’t be void of sadness, but don’t let it be without a little bit of joy as well.”

  Rosa leaned in, kissed both of them, and then stepped aside. Hattie took their hands in hers and gave them each a hug before she left the vardo.

  Eli held onto Ada and gazed at their baby girl. “Ruth Ann…” he whispered. He didn’t know if they sat like that for one hour or for three. It didn’t matter. It was forever, and it was a blink of an eye. It was both. They held her in silence for the entire time. Together, they held her until she slipped peacefully out of their arms and into the Savior’s forever.

  JED

  The caravan was silent as everyone grieved the loss of Ruth Ann. Jed sat in front of the fire and watched the flames flicker into the air. Rosa was next to him, gripping his hand. It had been a long time since she had lost a child she helped deliver. It was always tragic when a mother or child died, but for her, this would be felt more deeply. Ada was like a daughter to them; her baby was also theirs, a grandchild they never thought they would have. Ada’s body would recover, but this loss was going to be devastating for the young couple who had already lost so much.

  Yesterday, while the caravan prayed for Ada’s labor to stop, there was no way for them to know that Ruth Ann had already been born. She never cried; her lungs were too weak. When Rosa came outside and told them the news, their prayers changed. From that moment on, they asked for comfort and healing instead.

  A few hours later, Eli stumbled out of the vardo in a daze, holding his baby. He handed the lifeless bundle to Hattie. Tony walked up to her, whispered a few words, and carefully took the baby from her.

  “One of my boxes,” he said, looking at Jed. “Do you think that will do?” Jed nodded, and Tony disappeared into his vardo. Knowing Tony, he would choose the nicest one he had.

  Everyone took turns hugging the bereaved young man. Eli moved from one embrace to another, asleep in his grief, and then disappeared back into his home. Rosa checked on Ada throughout the evening to make sure she wasn’t experiencing any complications.

  Jed hardly slept that night. He lay in his bed, slipping in and out of a half-sleep until he heard quiet rustling by the fire pit. He got up and opened the door to see who it was. Eli was walking down the path that led to Badger Creek, holding something in his hand. Cobra slid past Jed’s leg and hurried after him. When the dog caught up to him, Eli reached down and rubbed his ears as they disappeared into the night.

  By late afternoon the following day, Ada was still resting in the vardo, and Eli had not yet returned. Jed was beginning to wonder if he should look for him. As he considered leaving, however, the young couple’s door opened, and Ada stepped out. He jumped up and ran to her, offering his arm for support. He hugged her for a long minute.

  “Come sit with me by the fire,” he said. “It’s good to be around other people, and no one will make you talk about it if you don’t want to.” Ada scanned the group and then bit her lower lip. She dipped her head slightly and let him guide her to a chair.

  “Do you know where Eli is?” she asked.

  “I think he’s down by the river,” Jed informed her. “He probably just needs to be alone for a while.”

  She sat with the others but kept her eyes downcast. By joining the group, she had made a small step toward working through her sorrow. Everyone understood that and didn’t expect any more. Occasionally, someone would pat her on the shoulder or the hand as they walked by, but they respected her need for quiet. Jed sat in the chair next to hers, waiting for Eli’s return.

  After two more hours had passed, the women began to prepare supper. Jed stood and moved closer to Rosa. “I think I’ll go for a walk,” he told her, but she knew where he was going.

  “Tell him supper will be ready soon,” she said in a low voice.

  Jed walked down a path that led to their favorite fishing spot, and as he stepped into the small clearing, he found Eli sitting against a fallen tree. Cobra was lying next to him. Undetected, Jed watched his slumped back for a moment.

  Eli rested his forearms on his knees. As he looked out over the water, he held his Bowie knife in front of him. He turned his eyes to a piece of wood and threw the knife into it. After a pause, he grabbed the handle, rocked it back and forth to loosen the blade, and repeated the action. Jed step forward and took a closer look; it was the headboard for the cradle.

  As Cobra jumped up and jogged toward Jed, Eli lowered his head and left the knife where it had landed. Jed sat down next to him, and his mind raced back to another time when he tried to comfort that grief-stricken and confused boy. What did he say then? Did it help? And what could he possibly say now, at a time like this? He prayed for the right words.

  “Why…” Eli started to ask with a strain in his voice. “Jed, I don’t understand.” He grabbed onto his forehead, unable to say more.

  “I don’t know either,” Jed said, shaking his head. “I wish I had a good answer for you, but I don’t.”

  Eli moved his hand over his eyes and leaned forward. As his shoulders shook under silent sobs, Jed placed his hand on the back of Eli’s neck. After a few minutes, his weeping slowed; he sniffed and squinted at Jed.

  “Tell me this happened for a reason,” he begged. “Please! I need to know God has a purpose for this. I have to believe it happened for a reason… even this. Otherwise, it’s just…” He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head as if he were trying to clear his thoughts. “Otherwise, it’s just cruel,” he finally said, covering his face again.

  Jed sighed a deep, long breath. “Eli,” he said, “that’s your sorrow talking. You know God isn’t cruel. We live in a fallen world, and with that comes pain and death. He had every right to leave us here in our mess, but He didn’t. What you’re suffering right now—the death of you
r child—God understands that. You can be certain that He knows what you’re feeling. He allowed His one and only Son to be sacrificed for our sins. He did that for you, and He did that for me; He did it for all of us. God is powerful and just, but He is also merciful. God is many things, but cruel is not one of them.”

  Eli looked back toward the water and dug his fingers into his arms, fighting against his tears. After a pause, Jed continued. “This loss you’re going through, it’s now a part of you forever, just like your tattoo. Right now, it’s an open wound in your flesh. You don’t even have to bump it to feel the pain; just having the air touch it is enough to make it hurt. But like any wound, you need to take care of it. You’re at a crossroads again, like you were five years ago. You can rub the salt and dirt of despair into this wound, and it will heal into a gnarled and disfigured scar that no one wants to look at. Or you can cover it in the comforting ointment of God’s promises, and it will eventually heal into compassion and wisdom. It’ll still leave a scar, but it won’t be an ugly one. And when you or anyone else looks at it, it will point back to God.”

  Eli shook his head again. “I don’t know how I’m going to get through this one, Jed. This is too much! I can’t do it,” he moaned. “I don’t want to be around anyone; I don’t want to feel anything.”

  “Secluding yourself isn’t going to make your pain go away,” Jed pointed out. “You can’t do this on your own, Eli. I know you’re heartbroken, but Ada is hurting too. You need each other now more than ever. Lean on one another for support, and then when you both reach for God together, you’ll be lifting up four hands instead of only two.”

  Eli glanced at his hands and relaxed their grip on his arms. His eyes drifted to the sky as he took in several deep breaths, blowing each one out slowly.

  “You and Ada are not alone in this,” Jed added after a pause. “If you let us, we will all come along side you and help hold up your arms when they get tired. And trust me, you will get tired. There are no magic words that will make your pain go away. The only things that will truly help ease it are faith, support, and time. This sadness will never completely leave you, but one day, your perspective on it will change. I promise.” He put his hand on Eli’s shoulder and they sat in silence for several minutes. Eventually, Eli cleared his throat and rubbed his eyes.

  “Thanks,” he said.

  Jed patted his back and stood up. “Supper must be ready by now. I’m guessing you haven’t eaten today.” He started to walk away, but stopped and turned. “I thought you might want to know that Ada’s awake. She’s been up for a while.”

  “Would you tell her I’ll be back soon? I need a little more time.”

  Jed nodded and walked back to camp. When he reached the shed, Ada glanced up. He walked over to her and placed a hand on her arm as he sat down. “He’ll be back in a bit,” he told her.

  Supper was served and eaten, but still there was no sign of Eli. Ada barely ate; she watched the fire as she picked at her food. The sky began to dim while Jed helped Rosa wash the supper dishes.

  “Is he coming back tonight?” she asked. They looked at Ada, who had closed her eyes. As she wiped at the tears flowing down her cheeks, Eli finally appeared on the path near the shed, followed by Cobra. He held the top part of the headboard in his hand, broken off at the spot where he had thrown the knife into it. He hesitated for a moment, looked at Jed, and then walked toward Ada. Everyone around the fire knew they needed a private moment and turned their attention toward each other.

  When Eli touched her shoulder, she opened her eyes and looked up at him. She pressed her lips together as tears continued to flow. He squatted in front of her, and she leaned into him. They put their foreheads together and sat with their eyes closed. Jed could see Eli’s mouth moving as he spoke, and he could see Ada nodding as she bit her lower lip.

  Eli stood, squeezed her shoulder, and placed the wood on her lap. He walked to the table where supper had been left for him, and as he filled a bowl, Ada turned the wood over and looked at it. She smiled and dabbed her eyes as he carried his meal over and sat in the chair beside her.

  From where he stood, Jed could see the piece of wood. Along its top was the design Eli had been carving before Ada’s labor, but in the center was a new carving. In beautiful scrolling letters, Eli had carved the name of their baby: Ruth Ann.

  ELI

  Eli caught sight of a large willow tree as he guided his wagon down a lane that cut through the back of Mrs. Perry’s property. He knew that tree well. It sat alone on a low grassy hill between the widow’s grain fields and the edge of the West Woods. He turned his eyes toward Ada; she was also watching the tree as it glided past them. She glanced at him and smiled wistfully before peering down at her lap. Eli put his hand on her shoulder.

  “We’re almost there,” he said. Her eyes were moist when she looked up, but there was also anticipation on her face. He felt it too. He was looking forward to seeing everyone again. Even so, there was a small pang of guilt mixed with his excitement; they should have visited sooner.

  As the narrowing lane turned, the trees crept closer to the wagon. The woods thickened and the road became less maintained, causing the wagon to jostle along. It was late September; the merchants had rejoined Levi and Bea at the winter camp three weeks ago. By this time of day, they would be preparing supper and settling in to enjoy a peaceful evening.

  A smile cut deeper into Eli’s face as they rounded the last bend and saw familiar figures sitting around the fire pit. One animated cry after another rang out as the wagon’s approach was discovered. Eli pulled to a stop and they jumped down to meet their family as the merchants ran to them. He could scarcely hear what was being said as joyful voices overlapped each other. Rosa put her hands on the sides of Eli’s face.

  “You’re the best thing I’ve seen all day,” she said as she hugged him. Jed grabbed onto his arm and drew him into a strong fatherly embrace.

  “Welcome home,” he said. “How long are you staying?”

  “About a week,” Eli said, knowing the answer would be a disappointment. Jed nodded as though he were expecting it. He squeezed Eli’s arm again before giving Ada an affectionate bear hug.

  Eli turned away and Hattie threw her soft arms around him. “Two years,” she whispered into his ear. She held him at arm’s length and let a frown hint at the edge of her mouth. “Don’t do that to them again! You hear me?” She glanced at Jed and Rosa as they took turns embracing Ada.

  “I’m sorry, Hattie. I lost track of time.”

  “Well, don’t. You’re not that far away.”

  “I won’t. I promise,” he said. She nodded and let go of him.

  Floyd stepped up and slapped him on the shoulder as they hugged. Ira, Goldie, and her parents each took a turn welcoming him. And then he saw the children. “Sammy! Wow, you’ve gotten tall! And you, Myra! You’re even more beautiful than the last time I saw you.” They laughed and hugged him. He felt a tug on his shirt and turned to see Lily staring up at him. He knelt down and looked into her eyes, afraid she wouldn’t remember him.

  “Eli!” she said, still tugging his arm. “See? I lost it yesterday!” She grinned and pushed her lower teeth at him. There, in the center, was a gap.

  “Wow, Lily! That’s incredible. Can I have a hug?” She wrapped her little arms around his neck and squeezed him quickly before running to Ada.

  When Eli stood, Tony and Mae met him; they had taken longer than the others to reach them. Eli was shocked at how frail Mae looked, but he was careful to hide his surprise. After hugging her gently, he took her arm and helped her walk back to the fire, followed by the rest of the group.

  They shared a lively supper, full of welcome conversation. Later, Jed and Ira helped the young couple settle into their old vardo. When they had moved away, the merchants started using it for extra storage. Soon, heat was crackling from the small woodstove, and Ada was fluffing pillows and spreading blankets onto the bed. After they were finished unpacking, they joined the gro
up by the fire and continued to chat as the night grew long. Bedtime had come and gone, yet another log managed to find its way onto the flames; the visit was long overdue. Before Eli was ready for the night to be over, the fire died down and the conversation ebbed.

  “So, are you up for some fishing in the morning?” Jed asked him.

  “I was counting on it,” he replied. The group rose and shared another round of hugs as they drifted to their beds.

  ADA

  Ada knelt among the roots of the large willow tree and brushed dried leaves off the piece of wood nailed to its trunk. Though weather-beaten and faded, she could still see Ruth Ann’s name carved into it. It was the headboard Eli had made, marking their baby’s grave. She and Eli would visit the tree together before they went back to East Haven, but this morning she wanted to be alone. When Eli left to go fishing with Jed, she walked to the willow tree in the orange glow of the sunrise.

  The caravan had been so supportive during that difficult time; it would have been hard to get through it without them. Jed and Ira met with Mrs. Perry right after Ruth Ann died and told the widow what had happened. She insisted they take time to mourn the loss. She told the men not to work her fields for at least a week and attend to the young couple instead. Her other workers could manage the planting season without them. She then offered the old willow tree as a place to lay the baby to rest.

  Tony gave one of his most intricately designed boxes to put her tiny remains in. Rosa lined it and covered Ruth Ann with some of her mother’s embroidered handkerchiefs. She looked so peaceful, as though she were only sleeping. By the third morning, Ada felt strong enough to walk with the caravan to the tree. Eli and Jed stood on either side of her to offer a hand if needed. But whether she needed the support or not, Eli never let go of her arm. Rosa followed behind, carrying the box for the young couple.