‘How is mine looking?’ I’ve got my head down, and water in my ears and eyes, and I reckon from the way Rach is kneading my scalp with her fingernails that we’re going to be even-stevens on this one. Ish.
‘You know you were after coppery highlights? A hint of spice?’ Rachel is going at it so hard I think she’s dislocated my neck.
‘You might need to think more orange.’
‘Orange?’
‘Turmeric rather than paprika.’
I’m no culinary expert, but I get the gist.
‘Brass rather than copper.’
‘Brassy?’
‘Definitely brassy. Where the hell did you get this stuff from?’
I’m not sure brassy is the bridesmaid look she’s after. Though I’m not sure sprout is the bridal look either.
‘Shit.’
‘Exactly.’ Rachel is surprisingly calm given we are now alarmingly close to D, or rather W-day. Although this could be shock. I reckon seeing her reflection will shake her out of it.
I thrash about, desperate to see, and she resists. Then eventually gives in.
She sheds her towel. We stare into the bathroom mirror, side by side.
Honeyed highlights, and hot paprika we are not. More you’ve been slimed and I’ve been tangoed.
‘Fuck, Michael will kill me.’
‘Well, it will be a day to remember.’ I say in all seriousness.
‘After all you only do it once.’ She adds.
I glance sideways at her, and her face is straight. For some reason, this is too funny not to laugh at. My mouth twitches. Her nostrils flare, which means she’s trying hard not to laugh.
Two glasses of bubbly and hysterical tears later, I manage to stop laughing for long enough to ring Lucy, my hairdresser.
‘Give me fifteen minutes!’ This surprises me. Lucy has always seemed to be the ‘drink until you drop’ type.
‘What the hell?’ Lucy picks up the face mask. The next task on my list. If it hadn’t been for the highlighting disaster we’d be all charcoaled up by now. ‘You weren’t going to use these?’
‘Weren’t? Of course we are, saying goodbye to blackheads and massive pores forever.’ Word perfect on the blurb on the packet. Me and Rach high-five each other. We’ve got through rather a lot of Prosecco while we’ve been waiting. Stress drinking.
‘No way, ladies. If you think your hair is bad, you wait and see what this can do to your faces!’
We blink at her, owl style.
‘Sit.’ She points at the stool and I push Rachel forward first. Her need is greater than mine.
We never do get our hands on the face masks. There is a lot of tutting and eye-rolling, but Lucy’s expert hands have soon reverted Rachel from ocean floor mermaid back to siren, and I’m still a bit orange, but more flame and less satsuma.
She’s also plastered us in a home-made face mask, after whizzing home to get a cucumber. Like you do. Got one handy? She’d asked … as though I should have. Doesn’t every girl, said Rach, with a wink.
‘Both of you pop in the salon on Monday and I’ll finish the job. Providing yours hasn’t all snapped off.’ She pats my head, which I suppose is to lighten the blow.
‘I so need this.’ Rachel takes a long swig of bubbly, then leans back against the pillows with a sigh. ‘Thanks Jane, this was such a nice idea.’
‘Even if turned out to be a disaster?’
‘Well, at least we didn’t put the face masks on.’
I wrinkle my nose and feel my face crack. ‘This one’s bad enough. I think I’ve set.’
She giggles and squeezes my hand. ‘It is so nice to get away from everything, you can’t believe the amount of stuff we’ve had to sort. Good job Freddie’s not here to see us like this!’
‘True.’
‘Where is he by the way?’
I screw up my face and try to look nonchalant. ‘No idea, out with mates?’ The thing is, I really do have no idea. Yeah, we are free agents, but we tend to shout out where we’re going and when we’ll be back. But since kiss-gate there’s been an air of embarrassment. An awkwardness. I want to kill it, but I don’t know how.
It’s making me feel all queasy in the base of my stomach.
At this rate I’ll be losing both my best friends before the month is out.
I don’t think hanging on to his trouser leg as he drags me to the door and begging him not to leave me is going to work though.
‘You normally know where he is.’ She’s giving me a funny look.
‘Not any more.’ I sigh. Well, if I want to make sure we’re as close again as we ever were, sharing is caring. ‘He kissed me. We kissed.’
‘Shit! Really?’ Her hand flies over her mouth. ‘Kissed, like proper kiss? Snog?’ I nod. ‘Tongues?’ I cringe. ‘And it was shit?’
I shake my head. ‘It was awesome.’ Then I burst into noisy tears. It’s the drink speaking, that and the fact we’re getting all emo about the big day approaching. Honest.
‘Wow.’ She wraps her arms round me, and the hug makes the tears fall faster.
‘But,’ I hiccup through my tears, ‘he’s my friend, I don’t want to mess that up.’
‘You can still be friends, Jane, but better. Michael’s my best friend, the best one in the world, apart from you of course.’
‘But I’m not the right girl!’
‘But you don’t know …’
‘No girl matches the one Freddie fell for ages ago. That’s why he doesn’t date seriously. Nobody else is good enough.’
‘He told you that?’
I nod. Then wipe snotty tears from my face. ‘In Brighton. If I fall for Freddie I’ll lose everything.’
‘Oh, don’t be sil—’
‘I won’t have anywhere to live again, and I won’t have him as a friend, and I’ll never ever get married.’
‘Oh, Jane.’ Rach hugs me closer and kisses the top of my head. I feel mothered. ‘Things will work out the way they’re meant to. Honest, look at me and Michael. We’ve had our ups and downs, and he’s been a git and a complete dick, but we’re meant to be.’ She pulls away a bit and looks at me. ‘Freddie would never hurt you. He’d never kiss and run.’
I sniff. I want to believe her, I really do. But hasn’t he just done exactly that?
ACT TWO
The Hen Party
Chapter 19
‘This is a really weird way to start a hen party.’ Sal’s voice carries across the moor as she stalks down the path on her six-inch heels, dragging her very noisy wheelie-case behind her. Reaching us, she glances from me to Beth, then back again, before parking the suitcase, adjusting her shades, and folding her arms. ‘You pair have really lost touch with Rach, haven’t you? I mean if you’d asked me—’
‘We didn’t, because she didn’t.’
‘Didn’t what?’
‘Ask you,’ says Beth, reasonably. ‘She asked us.’ She flashes a finger between the two of us. ‘Because we’re her …’ she pauses, leans in, and I don’t know which is more wicked, her grin or the look in her eye, ‘besties.’
I grin back, I can’t help myself. I’m feeling good, and not even Sal can puncture my mood. Freddie texted me! We’ve been ships passing in the night for a few days and I’ve been torn. On the one hand, I wanted to barricade the door so he couldn’t escape, hold the coffee hostage so he had to come looking for it, grab him, pin him down (for explanation, not carnal, reasons) and insist that nothing has changed. I’m fine about the kiss, and now we can move on. Exactly as we were.
On the other hand, I’ve been terrified that if we do talk he’ll say things have changed between us, that he’s now checking every day that I’ve not moved his stuff in the kitchen cupboards, that none of my clothes have sneaked into his side of the flat – which is tricky, as we don’t really have sides – and that quite honestly maybe I need to move out before things escalate. Or, and this would be a low blow that would send me back into the post-hen-night spiral, he’ll say the kiss was crap and he
doesn’t know why he did it.
So, it would be better to carry on skirting round each other, and the issue.
Anyway, crisis averted! We’re cool.
‘Soz I’ve been avoiding u, am a prat’ – I love that he is so honest – ‘but not sorry about the kiss. Adorable people need to be snogged, and it was my turn. Feel free to snog me if you ever think I deserve it. Well, any time really. Movie date night on the sofa tonight? Hands free – I promise. Let’s not mention this again though, for the sake of my fragile ego?’
‘Movie night if I can pick.’
‘You’re pushing it now! I only said I was a prat.’
‘Ha! I’m still going to pick. And as the other prat, Chris Pratt, would say – I like to do Garfield Mondays.’
‘Eh?’
‘Can we do Monday instead of tonight, I’m at Rach’s hen party this weekend.’
‘So, I’m just a hangover cure?’
‘Something like that.’
‘You’re using and abusing me.’
There’s a long break in texts, while we both ponder the sensible answer to that. Well, at least, I do.
‘How about I pick you up from wherever it is, then you don’t have to worry about a taxi the morning after?! Call it me making up.’
‘You’re a star. Here’s where it’s at!’ I send him the address. ‘Will text a time as soon as I know, if that’s okay?’
Like I say, we’re cool. Though a bit of me is disappointed that he didn’t declare undying love, the need to strip me naked on the kitchen worktop, and a realisation that his previous love was now a thing of the past.
Hands free isn’t great. Though he did say I could snog him if I wanted.
And hey, we’re friends. That beats everything.
‘Pfffft!’ Sal is still spouting off. ‘The girl is getting married in a castle, she likes nice things these days, she’s … she doesn’t want her last big single-girl blow out to be a party in the park!’ Sal is scowling. I reckon she’s more bothered about herself than Rachel, at least I hope so. And we haven’t completely cocked this up. Most of it was Beth’s idea, but I threw myself behind it totally.
‘Don’t worry …’ Beth pauses, ‘it gets worse. Promise.’ She’s enjoying this. ‘That’s why you need spare clothes. Who knows, maybe we’re sleeping under the stars!’
Sal’s look is replaced with one of horror. ‘I am not sleeping in a tent. Not for anybody!’
‘Not even for your best friend, who’s getting married soon?’
‘Sod off. This isn’t what she’d expect me to do! And I’ve brought nice clothes, not, not …’
‘Camping clothes?’
‘And don’t you have a baby that needs looking after?’
‘Ooh, the bitch is back. Well, for your information, Joe’s not a milk-sucking leech!’
‘Sorry?’ Sal frowns. I hold my breath. I’d thought it was Sal and Maddie that I had to be barrier like with. Turns out it’s a Sal sandwich.
‘He’s not stuck to my boob 24/7 you daft bint, I just ping him off now and then like this.’ Beth flicks her finger off her thumb, and I cringe. ‘And I did bring him, we’re going to all take turns getting up in the night.’
Sal is turning a funny shade of pink. ‘But he pukes!’
‘Not all the time.’
Maybe I should step in, calm things down. But then again, maybe not. Sal has always been a bit cold and calculated, which is why I don’t get why Jack married her. But hey, maybe it’s all down to fizzy kisses that make you go all disorientated and fuzzy inside. So, I shouldn’t judge on that one. But neither am I inclined to step in. Yet. Obviously if they start to roll on the grass ripping each other’s hair out I might.
‘Oh, my goodness, sorry, sorry. Traffic. Have I missed anything?’ Maddie is standing before us, perfect matching pink trolley bag and hairband, with a nervous smile on her face.
‘You have got to be kidding? You’ve not brought him?’ Sal and Beth still have horns locked.
‘Of course, I haven’t! I expressed, you know …’ She makes a milking-the-cow gesture. ‘Gold top all the way.’
‘You’ve not missed anything important!’ I hug Maddie, then whisper in her ear. ‘Just some Beth baiting!’ She giggles and relaxes a bit. When we were at school, Beth always used to say that harmony was boring, then would proceed to wind people up to the extent that somebody was bound to blow and cause a scene. In Sal, she had the perfect candidate, as she’d had a bit of a humour bypass and was so competitive she never realised that she was being teased. ‘Anyway,’ I go back to normal volume, ‘you’re not late, Rachel’s not here yet, and she’s bringing Michael’s sister Daisy, and a mate from work called Claire.’
‘Oh, good.’ Maddie smiles properly for the first time. ‘I like Daisy.’
‘I do, too.’ I do, she’s sweet, nothing at all like Michael. It’s hard to imagine they share the same genes.
‘Hi, er, are you Rachel’s friends?’ I nod. ‘I’m Claire, from her office.’ Claire stops short of our group, nervously shifting from foot to foot, clutching her bag. I can’t blame her, Beth and Sal are still squaring up, and Mads and I are huddled together watching from a safe distance.
‘Oh, wow, yes! Hi!’ I leap on her enthusiastically hoping her arrival might defuse things. ‘I’m Jane, and this is Maddie, and that’s Sal and Beth.’ I point them out in turn. ‘Dump your bag with the rest and give us a hand to get the rugs out if you like. Rach and Daisy should be here soon.’
I can’t actually blame Sal for being a bit tetchy, when she’s turned up all ready for a night in some glam location and discovers it’s a rug and Domino pizza in the park night. Even Rach is a bit confused when the Deliveroo guy turns up two minutes after she does, and starts dishing out the ‘Mega Night In with added extras’ deal. She’s side-eyeing Sal, and Beth and I are trying to keep straight faces.
‘Party in the park!’ I grin at Rachel. ‘We thought we’d go all nostalgic.’ Beth and I high-five, pleased with ourselves. ‘Remember when we used to do this when we were in the sixth form?’
She nods tentatively, and it’s obvious she’s not entirely convinced that this is the best hen party ever.
‘It was girls only, we used to pelt the lads with pizza, if they came near!’ Beth adds.
‘You’re not telling me you’ve planned a pizza fight?’ Sally sounds horrified, and Rach has what can only be described as a fixed smile on her face.
‘Fab!’ Rachel bravely tries to sound excited.
‘Oh my God, I nearly forgot!’ Yells Beth and reaches for her bag. ‘The coup de foudre!’
‘The what?’ Mad frowns.
‘I don’t think you mean that!’ For the first time, Sal shows the glimmer of a smile. ‘Unless you’ve got some hottie hidden in that tiny bag.’
‘Wha?’ Beth stops furtling.
‘A coup de foudre is a bolt of thunder, love at first sight, just like me and –’
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake, if you mention his name!’
‘I was going to say me and my pug, Charles!’
‘You’ve got a pug?’ Maddie leans forward. ‘Oh I love pugs, they’re just so squishy and …’
‘Called Charles?’ I interrupt. This bit is funnier to me. ‘You’ve called your dog Charles?’
‘He’s very regal and talks to plants.’ Sal’s expression softens. Forget Jack, I think we’ve just discovered who her true love really is. Apart from herself of course.
‘I think you mean pees on them.’ Beth interjects. ‘Anyhow, stop interrupting. This is more important!’ And she whips out a bottle of Prosecco.
Claire, who has been pretty quiet, shifts uncomfortably on her corner of the rug, Maddie cheers and Sal rolls her eyes.
‘Well, thank heavens, you at least had the sense to bring some alcohol.’ She does however follow up with a smile and I heave an inward sigh of relief. Looks like hostilities have been suspended for a bit.
‘Come on.’ I chivvy them along. ‘Eat up, you need to line
your stomachs for what’s coming next!’
‘You mean there’s more?’
‘Do I detect a hint of sarcasm, Sally.’ Beth raises an eyebrow, but they do seem to have a truce.
‘When I had my hen party I … shit, what the f—’
Beth manages to dump her whole glass of Prosecco in Sal’s lap. Oops, okay they can’t be nice to each other for more than two minutes. ‘Sorry. Chill, it’ll soon dry, alcohol evaporates doesn’t it? More anybody?’
This has not got off to a good start, but I know it will get better. I just know it.
Fifteen minutes later, with pizza and Prosecco done and dusted, there is a noisy hoot of a horn.
‘Quick, quick, you’re going to love this!’ Beth is cramming the small litter bins with cardboard, she’s told Maddie to dispose of the bottles and plastic cups in another, and I’m rolling the rugs up as fast as I can. There may be pizza in them, but who cares?
Beth and I stand at the door of the bus and wait nervously as the others hand their cases to the driver to be stashed.
‘Oh my God!’ Sally is so close behind Rachel as they go up the step she practically falls in, but she finally looks happy. Sitting on the grass put her so far out of her comfort zone that she was pricklier than a hedgehog. Here, I’m sure, she can forgive Beth every jibe. Which is handy.
‘This is amazing.’ Rachel does a twirl before landing on a seat. ‘Where on earth did you find this?’
I grin. ‘You likey?’
‘Oh, me likey. Definitely.’ She pats the seat.
‘Welcome to the boogie bus! A booze cruise has got nothing on this.’
There’s a bit of a stunned silence as everybody gazes round in awe, and me and Beth give each other the thumbs up.
Then we get the party started.
The disco lights are on, the champagne bar is open, and we’re ready to party.
I haven’t got a clue where we’ve parked up, but I don’t really care. It’s to be hoped it’s in the middle of nowhere as this bus has some sound system as we dance our way through the ’70s and ’80s and have a blast with the karaoke.
Bridesmaids: The funniest laugh out loud rom com of 2019 – the perfect beach read! Page 15
