Maddie and Sal seem to have buried the hatchet (but, luckily, not in each other), Beth has completely let her hair down and forgotten to try to needle anybody. ‘I’m not leaking milk am I?’ She peers down her front.
I grin and shake my head.
‘I’ve not had my boobs bouncing like this for years!’
The only person I’m worried about is Claire. She’s had one dance, but seems to be trying to down the entire contents of the bar on her own. Well, with Maddie’s help actually.
‘This is ace.’ Rachel spins me round and distracts me. Wrapping me in a three-way hug with Daisy and we ‘Party Like It’s 1999’, trying to avoid Sal’s flailing arms and the chance of a black eye.
The music slowly fades and the lighting changes, and Rachel screams. ‘A pole! A pole! Pole dancing, how did you know?’
I reckon this, not the Prosecco, is the pinnacle of our achievement tonight. Who’d have thought that having a pole between her legs was all that Rach had ever wanted?
She’s wrapped round there in an instant. It’s not elegant, it’s not good, but it’s bloody funny. And awesome when Sally actually mounts the bloody thing as though she’s been taking lessons from Pink!.
Beth and I sit back, and wallow in our awesomeness and we watch them make complete dicks of themselves in a good way.
The boogie bus is a triumph.
I chat to Daisy about the photography course she’s doing at college.
And Beth huddles with Maddie in a corner whispering about who knows what.
And Claire gets very, very pissed and voms out of the window, because even though I’ve tried my very, very best to include her, it’s hard when you’re quiet and just not part of the gang.
And then the driver starts up the bus and we’re off again.
‘All out, cases are here, ladies.’ Our driver is obviously used to dealing with inebriated hens. He herds us off in the same way you would if we were the actual feathered, clucky variety. It works well.
Daisy and Claire opted out of phase two, so they yell goodbyes and stay put, and Beth swears a lot after discovering an emergency text (and lots of missed calls) from her mum insisting that her baby son is on hunger strike and needs the real deal. So after some major foot stamping she climbs back on board and shouts out that she’ll be back in the morning after performing her mothering duties. And, to Sal’s horror, displays her boobs to illustrate the point.
Which leaves three bridesmaids and a bride to be.
We all stand in the darkness, slightly stunned as the bus drives away. Then Sally points.
‘We’re staying here?’
‘We certainly are.’ I smile as I look at the entrance to the very posh spa hotel, and then glance over at Rachel, who gives me the thumbs up.
‘This place is supposed to be awesome!’
‘No tent?’ Says Sal, as though she can’t quite believe it.
‘No tent.’
She smiles, her face transformed. She has found the perfect place to park her suitcase. ‘Come on, girls.’ She’s so keen she’s leading the way to Reception, dragging Rachel behind her.
‘Be with you in a sec, you check in!’ I call after them, hanging back to breathe in some fresh air.
This is phase two. Sleep and pamper. I need sleep, I really need sleep. My feet are killing, and I feel more than a little bit tipsy. So tipsy in fact, I could swear I just saw … No. It can’t be.
‘Jane, any chance we can, erm, talk?’
I have been accosted just outside the entrance hall. By Jack.
Sobering up normally takes about eight hours. I reckon this takes eight seconds.
‘Oh my God, what the hell are you doing here? You can’t be here! Shush, out, out.’ I’m bundling him down the steps as we speak, and glance nervously back to check that nobody has seen him. Nobody meaning Maddie. ‘Stay!’ I waggle a warning finger.
He nods meekly as I storm back over and make sure everybody has checked in and is heading for bed. ‘You go up, I’ve got to check a couple of things for tomorrow!’ They go, too tipsy and knackered to complain.
‘What the …’ I bundle the unfortunate Jack into what I think is a bin store. It’s dark and smelly anyway. ‘Why are you here?’
‘It’s Michael’s stag do.’
‘Here?’ This I cannot believe. ‘Here?!’ I say it again. ‘But it’s a spa hotel! Why the hell did you come to a spa hotel, and you knew we were coming!’
‘No, we didn’t! Michael hadn’t got a clue where you lot were going, and Sally told me you and Beth were behaving like children and wouldn’t tell anybody.’
Okay, I’ll do a U-turn on that one. I glare though, because of the behaving like children remark. ‘It was a surprise! And it’s still a country house and spa!’
‘I know.’ He looks miserable. ‘It was a complete cock-up. We left it too late to book anything else.’ I don’t ask him who ‘we’ is, because I’ve a horrible suspicion it involves the man I do not wish to speak of. ‘Andy looked around’ – ha-ha, I was right – ‘and said it was this or nothing, we had to settle for a whisky and wildlife weekend, except it wasn’t a weekend, it was Thursday to Saturday.’
He looks so down I start to laugh.
‘We’ve been up to our knees in bogs and deer shit stalking the master of the moors.’
‘Master of the moors?’ This is beginning to sound like a kinky kind of murder mystery weekend. My laugh is starting to sound slightly hysterical.
‘A stag.’
‘Oh, then what, did you shoot it?’
‘God, no! I’m not into that bloodlust thing. It was amazing, so majestic.’ He perks up a bit. ‘I got some brilliant photos.’
‘I bet!’ I feel a sudden pang of jealousy but haven’t got time to dwell on that. ‘Are you sure when you booked a stag party there wasn’t some kind of misunderstanding?’
Jack laughs. ‘Maybe. Then we came back here for a lesson is whisky. We’re off in the morning though for some bird action.’
I raise an eyebrow.
‘The feathered type! We’re flying birds of prey.’ He looks so downcast it’s hard not to laugh. ‘We have to get up early.’
‘Very early?’ I try to ignore the giggles and give him my stern look. Stern, but drunk. He does look worried, so it might be more stern than drunk.
‘Well, not early, we’ve got breakfast included and we can’t …’
‘Fine.’
This is actually fine, we’ve organised breakfast in the suite we booked for Rachel. A proper girlie start to the day before the pampering starts. I can keep the two tribes apart.
‘Well, why do you want to talk to me?’ I glare. We avoided each other at the engagement party. He quails. ‘I used to like you, you know, before …’ I’m not normally quite this outspoken, particularly when it’s none of my business. But we all like to think we’re a good judge of character, don’t we? And when you’ve known somebody for years …
‘Is Mads okay?’ It comes out in a rush.
‘Okay? Well, yeah, absolutely fantastic, deliriously happy. She is so looking forward to walking down the aisle with your wife, instead of you.’
He flinches and looks even paler than he did before. But that could be down to the security light that has just flashed on.
‘I wouldn’t go to the wedding at all, but I’m best man, and Sally would—’
‘Never forgive you if you didn’t?’
‘Something like that. She’s very friendly with Rach and Michael. She calls us,’ he looks even more dejected, ‘the fearsome foursome.’ I can’t help it, I snigger. Nobody would have ever called Jack fearsome. ‘We do, er …’ there is a pink flush along his cheekbones and I actually start to feel a bit sorry for him, ‘dinner parties.’
‘Cosy.’ I am surprised Rachel never let on just how close she was to Sal these days, but I suppose couples do things like dinner parties, and I’m not part of a couple. And she probably didn’t want to upset me.
Jack sits down on the step
that leads to the side entrance of the hotel. ‘I do still care for her, you know.’ He gives me a sideways look, beneath his floppy fringe. ‘Mads. I’ve never stopped loving her, but she told me we needed to move on. That it wasn’t working any more.’
I sigh. ‘Did you try and get her to change her mind?’
‘Not at the start, I mean I’d got carried away with uni, my new mates, the freedom.’ He picks at the blades of grass that have grown between the paving. ‘I’ve been a jerk, haven’t I?’
‘If you say so.’
‘I did try and talk to her in the summer hols, but she was away with her parents in Italy most of the time, and I’d arranged a break in Barcelona with the boys, then I had to go back and find a flat, and, well, the summer was over.’
‘And then?’
‘And then I bumped into Sally, and she was dead understanding. She really listened, you know? We talked and she made me see why Maddie had broken things off. She told me if I ever needed somebody to talk to, a mate from home, and, well, one thing led to another, then she thought she was pregnant, and …’
He doesn’t need to say any more.
I’d always thought Jack was decent. And maybe he was.
‘Sal said Mads was cool with it.’
‘I bet she did.’
‘I didn’t realise she wasn’t until we’d bought a house back here and bumped into her in the supermarket …’ He pauses. ‘God, she looked so upset.’ He looks upset himself now. ‘She just dropped her sprouts and ran. They went everywhere.’
For a moment I ponder the scattered sprouts, then realise he’s still talking.
‘I never meant to hurt Mads, we were over, we’d been over for ages. Years.’
‘Not in her head you hadn’t.’ I say it quietly.
‘I didn’t know that. She was so definite when she told me, then I was away and didn’t see her, and …’ He stops messing with his watch and looks at me. ‘Sal isn’t all bad, you know.’
‘I guess she isn’t, or she wouldn’t be our friend, or your wife.’
‘I think she got carried away with the idea of being together, we both did. I am really fond of her though.’
‘Fond?’
He laughs. ‘Fond, though I think we both talk to that dog of hers more than each other. She’s been good to me, and we’ve had a laugh, done all kinds of stuff together …’ He pauses. ‘I can’t leave her.’ He’s talking as though he’s persuading himself. ‘Marriage is for life, I promised. I promised, Jane. Oh, hell, I’ve made so many bloody mistakes, I’ve been so stupid.’
I stand up. ‘You are a complete twat Jack.’
‘I know.’
Then, without stopping to think about why, I hug him. Because he looks just like the old Jack I used to know at school. Cute and huggable. Which is a mistake, because he’s so shocked he takes a step back, and falls over the small wall, and throws his arm out to stop himself.
‘Aarghh, shit, fuck.’
‘Jack?’ I’ve never heard him swear before, well, not properly, loudly, like that.
‘Hell fire, it fucking hu—’
He sticks his arm out and we both stare. There is a sharp sticky out bit where there shouldn’t be. Then he keels over, and my stomach does a very unhealthy flip.
‘Jack, Jack!’ Shaking him isn’t doing any good. He’s out cold. I risk a look at his wrist again. There are bones on the outside that should be on the inside. My stomach lurches alarmingly so I look the other way and do a panting thing to try to stop myself from heaving or passing out. I think I’ve picked it up from maternity scenes on Holby, but it’s working for me even if I’m not having contractions. ‘Hang on, hang on.’ I don’t know why I’m saying hang on. He’s not going anywhere.
It takes bloody ages for the ambulance to arrive, and even longer for the receptionist to raise one of the stag party. Andy.
We stare at each other. He’s totally pissed. So pissed he thinks he’s been summoned to shag me. ‘This is a fucking good dream. Come here, darling. Oh, God, I’ve missed you.’ He lunges, I dodge. He nearly ends up in a pot plant.
‘Don’t you dare trip up and break something.’ If he does, I’ll murder him.
‘I’m not breaking anything, just your sweet little—’ He staggers round in a circle and prepares for a second charge.
‘You’ve been watching too many crap films.’
‘I do love you.’ It’s like watching a bull go after a red cape, a drunken bull. ‘I miss you.’
‘No, you don’t Andy, you dumped me! In the middle of my hen party!’ I side step and he staggers past.
‘Oh, yeah, but I still love you. I dream about you.’ He shakes his head. ‘I feel dizzy.’ He blinks. ‘I knew you’d forgive me in the end.’
‘No, I haven’t bloody forgiven you. You never even asked me to forgive you! Not that I would!’
‘You called me. You said you needed me.’
‘I need you to help Jack, not needed you in that way you dipstick!’
‘Let’s go to your room, I’m sharing mine with Jack.’
‘We’re not going to anyone’s room. It’s Jack, Jack!’
He frowns. Andy never was at his best when he was smashed.
‘You need to go to hospital with Jack! He’s got a bone sticking through his skin!’ I am hoping shock tactics might help concentrate his mind. Oops, mistake.
‘Bollocks.’ He sinks down, sliding with his back against a pillar and passes out. I’d forgotten he was so squeamish.
I end up packing Jack into the ambulance myself and leaving Andy snoring in the lobby.
‘You don’t need to come with me, Jane.’
‘Are you sure, but …’
‘It’s fine, it’s only a broken wrist.’ He winces. He’s very pale, green at the edges. ‘I am sorry about Mads you know. But I can’t dump Sal, she’s a nice person.’
‘What you and Sal do is your business, but don’t hurt Maddie any more, stay away, eh?’
I don’t hang about to hear his answer. He’s the same Jack he always was. The one I used to like. Maybe he didn’t do the dirty, maybe he really didn’t realise he’d hurt Mads. And maybe Sal didn’t either. She just saw a nice, single guy and went for it.
Only problem now is, he’s just more or less told me he still loves Maddie.
I’ve never liked secrets. The Michael one is already giving me a crisis of conscience. And now I’m supposed to keep this secret as well?
I have a headache. I need to sleep.
Chapter 20
‘Whoever decided chocolate and massage are a good combo should be given a medal.’
Rachel’s words are slightly muffled as she’s got her face stuck in one of those holes that posh massage tables have, she’s also having her back pummelled, so it comes out a bit staccato, but I get the gist.
When Beth insisted on going with the ‘indulgent’ package, I’d thought the chocolate and rub down came separately. My first thought had been that maybe that’s why the massage tables do have a hole, my second thought had been that nibbling on a Flake while you have the knots beaten out from around your shoulder blades could be a bit of a choking hazard, and pretty messy. Turns out its messier than that.
‘Oh, God, that smells good.’ I groan as melted chocolate is slapped on like a liberal dose of massage oil.
‘Orgasmic.’ Sighs Beth.
Maddie giggles. ‘Really?’
‘When you’ve been starved of sex for as long as I have, being smothered in chocolate is my dream fantasy. Oh, Lordie, just there, yeah, oh, yeah. Harder.’ She moans. ‘This beats the Mars bar we reverted to last time.’
Even her masseur starts to splutter. ‘Mars bar?’
‘Don’t ever use anything that’s got a layer of toffee. It gets a bit icky, didn’t think I’d ever get out of my hair.’
‘Hair?’ Says Maddie, raising herself on her elbows. ‘What was it doing in your hair?’
Sal laughs. This is good, I think we’re bonding over chocolate.
‘Think Brazilian rainforest rather than Brazilian.’ Sighs Beth.
‘Oh.’ Maddie buries her red cheeks back in the hole in the table.
‘You lot couldn’t all lie still and enjoy your pure indulgence experience, could you?’ the masseuse asks.
‘Ah, knew it was Galaxy.’ Rachel sighed. ‘I’m going to have to tell Michael about this. Do you do couples?’
I wonder if you came as a couple, you’d be invited to lick it off each other at the end?
Freddie would like it. He’s one of the few men I know that will fight me for the last Rolo and insists on buying Quality Street all year round. He’s all green triangles and soft centres, and I get the toffees, fudge and nuts. We just fit together so well, and it’s weird but when he’s not with me I feel like a part of me is missing. Not knowing if we’d fallen out for good had been horrible, it had scared me. It had made me realises just how big a part of my life he is, and how much I miss him when he’s not there. Which is a bit scary. But I’m not sure if I could have enjoyed this weekend if I hadn’t known we were cool again.
‘Normally, but I’m not sure with you lot!’ The girl who has been doing my massage laughs. ‘Right, ladies. I will leave you to relax in the warmth for a few minutes, then you can make your own way to the shower room, and no licking, this doesn’t taste half as nice as it smells!’
‘I hope we don’t set.’ I stare down at the polished wood floor.
‘If you’re as hot as I am, there’s no chance of that.’ Rachel starts to giggle. She sits up and looks at me. ‘Race you to the showers, I want to try and make a Rach body imprint on the glass!’
Ten minutes later and Beth and Sal have been whisked off for manicures, Mads is having a facial and Rach and I are heating our blood up to boiling point. At least that’s what it feels like. I’m melting, or about to erupt like a mini volcano. I haven’t decided which yet. I feel too weak for logical thinking.
‘I don’t think I was designed to lose this much sweat.’
‘Oh, Jane.’ Rachel giggles and puts out a hand, and I cower.
‘No! Don’t touch me, I’m like a teabag, it will all spurt out. I’ll be a pile of shrivelled bony bits on the floor.’
Bridesmaids: The funniest laugh out loud rom com of 2019 – the perfect beach read! Page 16
