Wicked Witches of the Midwest Mystery Box Set

by Amanda M. Lee

  Landon’s expression was dark. “Bite your tongue.” He extended a warning finger. “That isn’t even remotely funny.”

  I wasn’t trying to be funny. For lack of anything better to do, I strode through the kitchen and landed in the family living quarters. Aunt Tillie, who usually made a habit of sitting on the couch and yelling at the various morning news personalities for reporting what she referred to as “fluff” stories, was nowhere to be found and it was deadly silent.

  I shot a glance to Landon, worry coursing through me. “I definitely don’t like this.”

  “Let’s not get worked up just yet,” Landon cautioned. “Maybe they went to town for breakfast. They might not have felt like cooking.”

  That was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard and the look I shot him expressed just that.

  “I know exactly what you were thinking just now and I don’t like your attitude,” Landon muttered as he followed me toward the hallway that led to the bedrooms. “There’s no reason to panic. I’m sure there’s a perfectly acceptable reason for why there’s no bacon. In fact ... .” Whatever he was going to say died on his lips when the door to my mother’s bedroom opened to reveal Chief Terry.

  He stood on the other side of the threshold in a pair of boxer shorts and a plain white T-shirt — clothes I’d never seen him in — and his eyes went wide when he saw us.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked as his hands flew up as if to cover his chest.

  “What are you doing here?” Landon challenged.

  I peered around Chief Terry and almost fell over when I saw my mother was still in bed ... and the way she had the covers clutched in front of her let me know she was naked.

  “On the first date?” I screeched, dumbfounded.

  Mom’s glare was withering. “Don’t you knock?”

  “We didn’t get that far! We thought something was wrong. Why aren’t you in the kitchen?”

  “We were out late last night,” Mom replied primly. I had to give her credit. This was basically the worst of worst situations and yet she managed to muster annoyance with me. That was a marvelous feat. “We just woke up. If you want breakfast, bother your aunts. Or, even better, learn to cook yourself.”

  “This is not the time for jokes,” Landon countered. “Besides, Marnie and Twila aren’t in the kitchen. And there’s no bacon.”

  “Ugh.” Mom rolled her eyes. “Well ... you know where the stove is.”

  I thought Landon was going to fall over. I was so uncomfortable with the situation I could do nothing but grab his arm and drag him from the door. “You’re grounded,” I called out. “You’re not supposed to do it on the first date. That’s the one thing you all agreed on when we started going out with boys in high school – well, that and the fact that we would kick off the apocalypse early if one of us got pregnant outside of marriage. Just look at you now.”

  “You’re not the boss of me, Bay,” Mom countered. “I can do whatever — or whomever — I want. Get that through your thick head.”

  I felt as if I might pass out ... or throw up. “This is just the worst morning ever.”

  Landon slipped his arm around my shoulders. “I’m right there with you.”

  AUNT TILLIE TURNED UP IN THE inn lobby with Peg on a harness a few minutes later. She didn’t look surprised to see us. Of course, very little surprised her.

  “Is breakfast ready?” she asked.

  Snort. Snort. Peg wiggled her butt excitedly for Landon.

  I shook my head. “There is no breakfast.”

  “No breakfast?” She made a face. “Is it the apocalypse? If so, I’m ready. You can be on my team, but I’m kicking whiners to the curb.”

  “It’s not the apocalypse,” Landon replied. “Although ... Bay might beg to differ.”

  “If there’s no breakfast it’s the apocalypse.” Aunt Tillie handed Peg’s leash to Landon. “Spill it. What’s the problem?”

  “I can’t talk about it.” I averted my gaze and focused on the check-in desk. “It’s too horrible to verbalize.”

  Aunt Tillie turned to Landon. “Explain ... and don’t go on and on like you usually do. Keep it succinct.”

  He glared at her. “Chief Terry is in Winnie’s room. Apparently Winnie is naked. I can’t confirm that because I didn’t look that far into the room ... and you have no idea how thankful I am for that.”

  “That’s why you’re so upset?” Aunt Tillie rolled her eyes. “Geez, Louise, Bay. Grow up. Your mother isn’t a virgin. She had you. Of course she’s had sex.”

  I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

  “I think it’s more that it was their first date,” Landon clarified. “No one was expecting it.”

  “Why?” Aunt Tillie wrinkled her nose. “This relationship has been decades in the making. The hurdle was getting them to admit they had feelings for each other and to get this one to move out of the way.” She jabbed her thumb at me. “Once Bay stopped being a baby — er, well, the grating sort of baby she was before because she’s obviously still being a baby — then it was over and done. All that’s left now is the gooey looks and rampant sex.

  “Hey, it’s just like hanging around with you guys,” she continued, offering up a faux smile and fake clapping. “You’re just as perverted as your mother now, Bay. How does that make you feel?”

  Yup. I definitely wanted to die.

  “I think I’m going to be sick,” I said finally. “Maybe I should go home and spend the day in bed.”

  “If I thought you were serious I would be all for that,” Landon said. “But you’re not. You’ll bounce back. That throwing up thing is in your head. Besides, we haven’t eaten since dinner last night. There’s nothing in your stomach to throw up. There’s certainly no bacon.”

  Snort. Snort. Peg stared at Landon with accusatory eyes. It was almost as if she understood what he said.

  “Oh, geez.” He looked away from her and focused on me. “Get it together, Bay. We have bigger problems. There’s no breakfast.”

  “I still don’t understand why there’s no breakfast,” Aunt Tillie complained. “Where are Twila and Marnie?”

  “Not here, as far as we can tell,” Landon replied, moving his hand to my back so he could rub at the tense muscles. “Maybe they freaked out about the sex, too. They’ve always had things for Chief Terry. Maybe they’re so jealous they moved out and didn’t leave forwarding addresses.”

  “Oh, good grief.” Aunt Tillie cuffed him. “How many soap operas do you let him watch, Bay? That is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. Marnie and Twila didn’t really like him. They were just trying to irritate Winnie.”

  “It worked,” I said weakly, swiveling quickly when I heard voices behind us. Sure enough, Mom and Chief Terry appeared in the archway. Chief Terry looked embarrassed, but the expression on Mom’s face could only be described as fury. “Someone put a bag over my head and maybe she won’t realize I’m here,” I suggested.

  Landon snickered. “Be brave, champ.” He kissed my cheek before turning to Mom. “I see things went well last night. I’m happy for you. Perhaps next time we can come up with a plan for breakfast, though, huh?”

  Mom folded her arms over her chest as Chief Terry uncomfortably shifted from one foot to the other. “What did I tell you?” she challenged. “If you want breakfast, you can cook it yourself.”

  “See, that’s not generally how it works in this family,” Landon complained. “I’ve never once been here and breakfast wasn’t ready promptly at eight. I mean ... this is the end times or something.”

  Aunt Tillie elbowed me. “I told you it was the apocalypse.”

  “You get the ark,” I muttered. “I’ll get the animals.”

  Snort. Snort. Peg rubbed her snout against my knee, causing me to frown as I stared into her eyes. She was a smart little thing ... but there was no way I would admit that to Landon.

  “Now, I’m going to make breakfast for Terry and me,” Mom started, tightening the sash on her robe. “
I’m willing to include the three of you in those preparations if you stop being babies and grow up. Everyone here is an adult. You didn’t see me freaking out the first time Landon spent the night, did you, Bay?”

  Actually, I remembered things differently. “I don’t remember you being happy about that,” I argued. “I believe there was talk of a brothel or something.”

  “You barely knew him. I’ve known Terry for decades. Get over it.”

  Her tone told me she meant business. I swallowed hard. “I can help with breakfast.” The words hurt. “Landon can, too.” I gripped his hand.

  “I’ll make the bacon,” Landon offered lamely, ignoring the way Peg nudged him with her nose. “Or ... maybe we can go without bacon this morning.”

  I pressed my lips together and moved my hand to his shoulder. “Suck it up, big guy. There are other breakfast meats.”

  “Name one that’s not a pork product,” he countered.

  “Um ... turkey bacon.”

  He glared. “That’s not real bacon. It tastes like ... some horrible thing that bad people created to punish fans of good cooking.”

  “I have to agree with ‘The Man’ on this one,” Aunt Tillie said blithely. “Turkey bacon is something grown in the devil’s armpit. We’ll just go without meat this morning. Eggs, hash browns and toast will be enough.”

  “Eggs, hash browns and toast it is.” Mom’s smile was so broad when she turned it to Chief Terry that I thought it might swallow her entire face. “I think this is going to be a wonderful new family tradition. Who agrees?”

  I glanced at Aunt Tillie and found her scowling.

  “It had better not,” Aunt Tillie muttered. “I don’t care if they hump each other like bunnies. I hate cooking. That’s never going to change.”

  I had different reasons for hating the set-up, but I kept them to myself. This morning was simply not going as I’d thought.

  Eleven

  Clove and Thistle turned up at the inn just as we were finishing history’s most uncomfortable breakfast. They sauntered into the dining room, chatting about ... something, and fell silent the second they saw the configuration around the table.

  “Nice boxer shorts, Chief Terry,” Thistle greeted him.

  Landon leaned back in his chair and slipped his arm around my back as he looked away from my mother and tried to hide his laughter.

  For his part, Chief Terry remained stoic. “Thank you, Thistle. I’m a fan of them.”

  “They have lobsters on them,” Clove noted, scratching the side of her nose. “Is there a reason? I mean ... are you a fan of lobsters?”

  “They came in a three-pack and I didn’t look at the design.” Chief Terry put both hands around his coffee mug and glared at my cousins, practically daring them to say what was really on their minds. Clove had the grace to keep her mouth shut. Thistle, on the other hand, enjoyed a challenge.

  “On the first date, Aunt Winnie?” She chortled as she grabbed the coffee carafe. “I’m shocked. Shocked, I tell you. That’s not how a good girl acts.”

  I pressed my lips together to keep from choking on what I was sure would be a mixture of a sob and a laugh. I remembered well the “good girl” talk my mother had given us after we were caught skinny-dipping at the lake.

  “Is there a reason you’re here, Thistle?” Mom asked dryly. She clearly wasn’t in the mood to play games. “If not, you can leave.”

  “We’re here because Bay called us,” Clove replied, grabbing a slice of toast from a platter and taking a big bite. “She says we have to go on a ghost search at the old camp. She can’t go alone because Landon will whine like a girl, so we’re going with her.”

  Landon slid his eyes to me. “I don’t whine like a girl.”

  “You sound like one of those Real Housewives you’re so whiny,” Thistle countered. “It doesn’t matter. We’ll be with Bay to keep her safe. You have nothing to worry about.”

  Landon narrowed his eyes but otherwise remained passive. “Thank you for keeping my whining at a minimum. It’s a great relief.”

  “What do you expect to find out there?” Chief Terry asked. He seemed thankful to be able to talk about something other than the fact that he’d had sex with my mother on the first date. “Wouldn’t a ghost have already shown herself?”

  “Maybe,” I replied. “I can’t be certain. All the activity might’ve scared a ghost away. It’s worth a shot. We need to find out what happened to Hannah Bishop, and this is the best way I can contribute.”

  “What about the second body?” Thistle asked, glaring at Peg when the pig started rubbing herself against her shins. “Why is the pig wearing a skirt?”

  “She likes it,” Aunt Tillie replied simply. “She likes being dressed up, and she can’t wear leggings.”

  “Why can’t she wear leggings?” Clove asked. “I think a pig in leggings would be cute.”

  “That’s what I said before I forgot about the bathroom issue.” Aunt Tillie turned grim. “She’s litter box trained but she can’t pull down her leggings. That’s why she has to wear a skirt.”

  “Oh, well ... .” Clove smiled brightly at Peg, but the animal showed no interest in leaving Thistle’s side. She was sort of like a cat. It was as if she picked up on the fact that Thistle liked her least and wanted to take advantage of that situation to continuously irritate her.

  “I want to go to the camp with you,” Aunt Tillie announced. “I haven’t been out there in a long time. It would benefit my memory if I could look around.”

  “And why would we want to benefit you?” Thistle challenged.

  “Because otherwise you’ll end up on my list, mouth.”

  Thistle didn’t look as if that bothered her, but when she flicked a look to Mom and Chief Terry and found them gazing into each other’s eyes as they whispered something only they could hear, she shuddered. “You just want out of here because you’re afraid Aunt Winnie’s bad first date behavior will carry over to them doing it on the table or something. I’ll bet that’s why Mom and Marnie aren’t here. They fled in terror.”

  Mom pinned Thistle with a murderous look. “You and I are going to have a talk later, Thistle. Be prepared.”

  As usual, Thistle’s bravado took over for her brains. “I’m looking forward to it,” she said, smiling brightly. “I can’t wait to bring up all those old sayings you used to spout ... like that giving away the milk for free one. I think we’re going to talk and talk until there’s nothing left to talk about.”

  Mom’s eyes flashed. “Won’t that be fun?”

  “It definitely will.”

  LANDON WAS RELIEVED WHEN I kissed him goodbye in the parking lot. It was clear he needed to put space between Chief Terry and himself so he could clear his head before they met for work later. He was distracted, but not so much he didn’t admonish me to be careful and stick close to my cousins before disappearing.

  That left Thistle, Clove, Aunt Tillie and me to drive out to the campground. Aunt Tillie put Peg on her harness and dragged her along for the ride, so it was four witches and a pig on our excursion, and I couldn’t help thinking that would make a fabulous television show.

  “So ... what are you going to say to your mother next time you see her? I’m guessing a lecture on condoms is going to be uncomfortable.”

  Thistle waited until we reached the campground to ask the obvious question. I had a feeling that was on purpose because she wanted to make sure she had room to run and wasn’t trapped inside a vehicle in case I decided to make her eat dirt.

  “Do you have to keep talking about it?” I knew I sounded whiny, but I couldn’t stop myself. “I want to forget what I saw. I mean ... I’m going to have nightmares.” I thought about my dream from the previous night and ran my fingers along the scratch I’d covered with makeup. “Even worse nightmares than usual.”

  “I think we should talk about it,” she countered. “I mean ... holding your emotions inside is never a good thing. If you don’t vent with us, well, you’re going to blo
w with them. Tell us how you really feel.”

  “I feel like I’m going to drown you in that pool,” I growled, pocketing my keys as I moved to the front of my car. “Seriously. I will leave you out here if you don’t shut your mouth.”

  Thistle was unruffled by the threat. “We both know that’s not true. You’re far too responsible — something your mother wasn’t last night when she had sex on the first date — to leave me out here with a killer on the loose.”

  Sadly, she was right ... about all of it. “Someone find a hole for me to crawl in,” I muttered under my breath, causing Clove to snort.

  Aunt Tillie, surprisingly, paid very little attention to our conversation. Instead, she walked with Peg toward the cabins. That was unusual for her, because she never met a spirited taunting session that she didn’t want to dominate. Her reaction made me suspicious.

  “What are you really doing out here?” I asked after a beat, watching as she moved toward the first cabin Landon and I had entered during our initial visit. “You don’t care about the ghosts.”

  “I care about the ghosts,” she shot back, her eyes firing. “I don’t like anyone in my town being killed ... unless I’m the one doing the killing. But I do have a few other things on my mind.”

  “Like what?” Thistle asked. She was keyed into Aunt Tillie’s moods and I read the suspicion on her face. Trusting Aunt Tillie was difficult on the best of days. Today was definitely not one of those days.

  “Did you know Margaret Little is trying to buy this property?” Aunt Tillie asked, her eyes drifting to the cabin’s roof. “I mean ... actually trying to buy it. She thinks there’s profit to be made from owning this place.”

  “I did know,” I confirmed, folding my arms over my chest. “The question is: How did you know?”

  “I know all and see all.”

  That was her patented answer, and I didn’t believe it. “How really?”

  “I have spies in her inner circle. All she can talk about is this property. She’s going to build condos out here. I don’t think that should be allowed.”