Then, Now, Always

by Mona Shroff

  “You—you’re amazing,” Sam said, with what could only be pride in his child. He shivered in the wind. “I notice you’re taller than your mother.” Sam tilted his head to the side. “By more than an inch.”

  A smile played at her lips and she offered him another small eye roll. “I suppose I have you to thank for that, too.”

  “Yeah, I suppose so.” He leaned in close to her. “But that sass—that comes from your mother.” He stood back and laughed. “Or your grandmother.” He looked around as if Sunita might be lurking. “But don’t tell her I told you that.”

  He offered his hand in a handshake. “Let’s meet, officially.”

  Samantha just stared at his hand.

  Sam pressed his lips together and returned his hand to his side. “I thought you came to find me so we could get to know each other.”

  “Yeah, well. That doesn’t change the fact that I had to come find you.” She glowered at him.

  “Well, I’ve been playing phone tag all day with your mom so I—”

  “Why is that?”

  “Why is what? Phone tag? Because your mom won’t—”

  “No, why did I have to come to you, instead of the other way around? Where have you been for fifteen years?”

  Her anger was like a punch and the fire in her eyes reminded him so strongly of Maya, it was as though he were transported back in time. He was speechless for a moment as he took in the rage that emanated from her. “Samantha, I never knew about you. When your mom and I broke up, she—she never told me she was pregnant.”

  Samantha stared at him, her mouth agape.

  “I swear. I had no idea you even existed until a week ago.”

  Samantha closed her mouth. “You’re lying.”

  “No.” Sam stepped closer to her. “No, I’m not. Your mom told me about you when she asked me to help you.” When she needed something. Sam clenched his jaw in anger and frustration. “You have to believe me.”

  “Sam! Sam? Is that you?”

  Sam froze at the familiar sound of Paige’s voice. What was she doing here? He threw a nervous glance at Samantha before turning to face Paige. “Hi, honey! What’s going on?” His casual tone sounded forced, even to him.

  Paige approached and kissed him on the cheek as she linked her arm with his. “I was just coming to the office to see you, and here you are.”

  “Yeah, here I am.” His eyes flicked to Samantha, who shuffled her feet and folded her arms across her body.

  Paige looked from Samantha to Sam in the silence that followed. She extended her hand to Samantha. “Hello. Paige Doyle, Sam’s fiancée. Are you the new intern?”

  “Yes, she’s the new intern.” A knot built in his stomach.

  Samantha’s eyes widened, then narrowed at Sam as she shook Paige’s hand. His stomach tightened, and he was vaguely nauseous.

  “Oh, that’s great.” Paige smiled. “Nice to meet you.” She gazed at Sam, then turned back to Samantha. “He may be a tough boss, but he means well—don’t let him get to you!” She turned to Sam. “How about a drink? We’re close to our bar.”

  “Um, yeah. Sure.” He turned to face Paige. “It’s freezing. Let me finish up here, and I’ll meet you.”

  “Sounds great!” She quickly kissed him and waved goodbye to Samantha.

  Before Paige got even half a block away, Samantha was yelling at him. “Nice, Dad. Can’t even acknowledge me to the woman you’re going to marry. Mom was right. We were fine without you. I should’ve listened to her.” She wiped angry tears and stomped off. Stricken, Sam followed.

  “No, it’s not like that. Listen, we just met—you’re all grown up and I didn’t even know I had you. I can’t just spring that on my fiancée in the middle of the street. Listen, I’m going to tell her, but right now is not the best time. What about your mom? Did you tell her where you were? That you were coming to see me?”

  Samantha stopped walking.

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Sam softened his voice. “I get it, you’re angry and you have no reason to believe me. I really did not know about you. But if I had...” He stopped as his anger at Maya threatened to erupt. “Just believe me, now that I do, I would really like to get to know you—maybe be part of your life. No matter what your mom says.”

  Something flickered in Samantha’s eyes, and hopeful, Sam continued, “Just think about it. Ask her—she has to tell you the truth.”

  Samantha gave a barely perceptible nod and turned away from him as she headed for the subway station. Sam stared after her, and his heart ached. Every time a woman walked away from him, she managed to take a piece of his heart with her. And he never got it back.

  * * *

  SAM MET PAIGE for a drink at her favorite place, The Dream Bar. He knew he had to tell her about Samantha, but she greeted him with a huge smile and a kiss and started right in about wedding plans, and he couldn’t find the right moment. She seemed to have reconciled the issue with the linens and tablecloths and was going on about this fabulous wedding cake designer she had found out about.

  “We have an appointment with her next week. Okay, Sam?” Paige squeezed his hand. “Are you with me? I want to you to come and help me choose the cake.”

  Sam sipped his drink, making forced eye contact with his fiancée. Her lips were moving and sound was coming out, but Sam could not seem to focus on her words. Glimpses of the pain and anger in Samantha’s face flashed before him and his mind wandered as he wondered how he’d get to see her again. He hadn’t gotten her cell number, so he had no way to contact her, save going to the coffee shop—which was not ideal, as Maya had made it clear she wanted Sam to have nothing more to do with Samantha. He’d give her a couple days.

  “Sam? Sam, are you with me?” Paige was smirking at him. “Cake tasting. Next week.”

  “Of course.” Sam grinned at Paige and focused on her. “Whatever you want.”

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  MAYA

  New York, 2012

  “WHAT THE HELL, MAYA?” Ami said, scolding her friend. “I leave town for, what, not even two weeks, and S-A-M is back in your life.”

  Maya watched as Ami took a sip of her martini and expertly placed it back on the wooden table without spilling. Extra dirty with three olives, same as hers. They had sat in this very bar at this very table countless times over the years. They had sat here to celebrate getting into the colleges of their choice. They’d drunk to their broken hearts and toasted their accomplishments. It was here that they sat when Maya had told Ami she was pregnant. The smell of smoke still lingered in the bar, despite the smoking ban a few years ago. The scent was a comfort to Maya, as were the familiar sounds of clinking silverware and chatter and laughter. Ami used to try to sneak them both in here when they were in middle school. It never worked: the staff knew who they were and how old they were. Not to mention who their parents were.

  Ami narrowed her dark eyes at Maya and shook her head in disbelief. “And he knows about Samantha and he says he wants to be part of her life?” She took another sip and held up a finger to Maya. “Don’t even get me started on what your face looks like every time I mention him. It’s like you’re twenty-two again.”

  “My face is fine,” Maya said, “and that’s what he says in his voice mails. I’m not returning his calls.”

  Ami had been traveling for her job as a fashion journalist and had just returned from some exotic locale. After receiving the bazillion texts and voice mails Maya had left her, she’d come straight to Queens.

  Ami tapped the table. “So, you think that just because you don’t answer his calls, he’ll just give up and forget that he has a daughter? With you.”

  “Well, yes.” Maya squirmed in her seat and sipped her martini to avoid the look on Ami’s face that said she was a nutjob.

  “Have you considered what Samantha might think of all this?”

&
nbsp; Maya shrugged, trying not to remember the look on Samantha’s face when she’d asked if Sam was her father. She’d looked hopeful, like she thought it might be nice to have a dad. Maybe, until he left. And he would leave. Just like Maya’s father had. That’s what men did. God knows Sunita had made sure Maya never forgot that. “It doesn’t matter. We’ve been fine without him all these years, and we’ll continue to be fine without him.”

  “Have you really been fine?” Ami sniffed.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Well, you’ve never really dated—not seriously—”

  “What was the point? To have a man come in and be a part of our lives until he decided he didn’t want to anymore? I was protecting my daughter. And FYI—it’s the twenty-first century! Women don’t need men to be happy.”

  “We may not need men, but they sure are nice.”

  Maya took another sip of her drink. Ami was a pain.

  “Trust me, this is your daughter we’re talking about. If you don’t give her permission to see her own father, she’ll just do it behind your back.”

  “No, she won’t.” But Maya shifted again in her seat.

  “You did plenty of things behind your mom’s back.” Ami smirked. “Or did you forget?”

  “How could I forget?” Maya stifled a chuckle. “Samantha is living proof.”

  * * *

  THE MOON WAS high as they made their way back to Maya’s apartment from the neighborhood bar. Maya caught Ami as she tripped over air molecules. “Come, say hi to Mum.”

  Ami teetered a bit but pulled free of Maya. “Sure. Did she cook?”

  “You know she did.” Maya had treated herself to a second martini, so her head was swimming. Ami, however, had downed three, so she was pretty much drunk. Luckily, her kids and husband had come to Queens to stay with Ami’s parents, so she only had to walk two blocks from Maya’s. It wasn’t that late, but at 9:00 p.m. on a Sunday evening the streets were empty, except for stragglers such as themselves.

  “Maya. Maya.” Ami stopped. “Do you remember the plan?” Ami was still sober enough to catch Maya’s glare. Ami shook her head. “Of course you do.” She laughed. “It was great. ‘The Sneak-Away-For-The-Weekend’ plan.”

  Maya smiled in spite of herself. “Yes. How could I forget?”

  “How lucky were you that I was actually at University of Virginia for that summer?” Ami started to walk and stumbled again. The sidewalk had cracks and breaks that it hadn’t had in the days when the two friends were younger. It had become unfamiliar terrain. Maya grabbed her arm again.

  “Very lucky.” Maya led Ami to the back of the shop to the apartment entrance.

  “I mean, can you believe they all bought it? That you were going to the beach with me, instead of you-know-where with you-know-who.” Ami laughed at herself. “To do you-know-what!” She stopped, as if having a revelation. But Maya had heard it all before. “See? If it weren’t for me...” She giggled again.

  Maya rolled her eyes and sighed deeply as she redirected Ami to the stairs. She had had to sneak out of Deepak-mama’s house back then. There was no way he would’ve let her go away for the weekend with Sam—or any boy, for that matter. The fact that she’d ended up pregnant out of wedlock was beyond scandalous to Maya’s family, but Ami had stood by her. Ami had been the one person who didn’t judge or find fault with Maya. She knew Maya loved Sam, and that despite the options available to her, her decision to keep the baby was grounded in that love—reciprocated or not.

  “I thought you said there was food.”

  “Is that Ami I hear?” Sunita called from the top of the stairs, her voice muffled as she turned her head. “Raj, Ami’s back.”

  Ami winked at Maya as they made their way past the door to Maya’s apartment and up to Sunita’s. “Auntie, do you have a man up there at this hour? About time! You have been stringing poor Raju-kaka along for too long.”

  “Oh, Ami.” Sunita flushed, clearly trying and failing to keep her voice firm. “Is that any way to talk to your auntie? Besides, Raj had stopped by to pick up some food. He still doesn’t cook, you know.”

  “She is right, Sunita.” Raj’s deep voice boomed from somewhere inside the apartment.

  They reached the top and Ami hugged Sunita with both arms. She imitated Raj’s accent, but spoke in a drunken stage whisper. “See? He is here! Why do you fight him?”

  Maya’s mother’s cheeks reddened even as she tightened her lips. “Why don’t you stop at one martini?”

  Raj hugged Ami. “Ah, beti, good to have you back. But I am only here to get food, eh? I must be sure to never learn to cook.” He winked at her.

  “You must have come for food, as well,” Sunita said to Maya and Ami.

  “Of course.” Ami stumbled into her seat at the small kitchen table. This apartment was a bit smaller than Maya’s. There was only the one bedroom, and an eat-in kitchen that opened to the living area. Maya sat down next to Ami and glanced into the living room where Samantha stared at her laptop, earbuds in, face sullen.

  Maya caught her mother’s eye, who simply shook her head in an I-have-no-idea gesture. “She helped me make the chutney tonight and she seemed fine.” Her mother furrowed her brow for a moment. “Although it was odd that she didn’t complain or even roll her eyes when I told her to use ‘some’ lemon juice and ‘just a bit’ of salt.”

  “You know, Maya.” Ami was momentarily coherent. “You never like when I say this, but this whole thing could’ve been avoided if you had just trusted you-know-who...”

  “Okay, Ami. Put food in your mouth. This always happens when you’ve had that third martini.” Maya’s voice was loud and firm as she glared at her friend.

  Sunita placed homemade samosa on the table with sweet chutney made from dates, and spicy chutney made from cilantro. “Aww, Auntie! You remembered my favorite!” Ami was loud and slightly teary eyed.

  Maya rolled her eyes and shook her head in her mother’s direction. Sunita jumped in. “Beta, it’s been two weeks. Not a lifetime.” She cupped Ami’s chin in her hand and gave her a quick shake. “Eat.”

  Ami bit into her samosa and glanced over at Samantha. Maya joined her.

  Ami shook her head back and forth and finished chewing. “What’s her problem today?”

  “Her problem is that she knows Sam Hutcherson is her dad!” Samantha burst out with full-on teenage irritation as she stalked into the kitchen and plopped herself down next to Ami.

  Maya clenched her jaw as Ami’s mouth dropped open. Sunita brought her hand to her mouth with a loud gasp and Raju-kaka quietly retreated back to the sofa.

  Ami broke the silence. “You told her?”

  Maya glared at Ami and shook her head while Samantha grinned in victory. “No, Ami-masi, you just told me.” Samantha had always called Ami “masi” because the bond Maya and Ami shared went beyond friendship and into sisterhood.

  “Fine.” Maya clasped her hands together. “So you know. So what now? You think he’s going to be a dad to you? He’s a busy man—he’s got his own life—”

  “Ami-masi.” Samantha turned away from her mother. “Just answer me this.”

  “Samantha!” Maya pulled out her best warning tone.

  Samantha spoke quickly, keeping her back to Maya. “Ami-masi, did he know about me? Did he know Mom was pregnant when he left?”

  Maya’s heart fell into her stomach. This was too much. She was asking too many questions. Before she could do much more than silently beg her friend to be quiet, Ami answered.

  “No, Samantha. He didn’t know anything about you when your mom left him.” Ami’s voice was suddenly quiet. Maya looked away as Ami reached for Samantha’s hand.

  “Mom left him?” Samantha was clearly surprised by this information. The pit in Maya’s stomach grew, and it had nothing to do with the martinis. She pressed her eyes closed, as
if doing so would erase the scene unfolding before her. It did not.

  Ami nodded. Samantha sat back, her shoulders drooping, her eyes darting all over the room. A moment or two passed while she seemed to digest this information. Then, her face cleared, and she sat up, a smirk on her face. “Well, no wonder he looks at her like that.”

  That was it. Maya slammed her hand on the table. “That’s enough. Time for bed!” She stood and leaned forward on the table to add weight to her words.

  Samantha gaped at her, disbelief her shield against Maya’s motherly powers. “You’re not even going to tell me why you left him? While you were pregnant?”

  “Bed. Now.” Maya’s heart was beating rapid-fire, and she fought to keep her voice from shaking. This was not supposed to be happening. Her daughter could not be asking these questions. Not yet. Not now. She was still too young. Too impressionable. She’d never understand.

  Samantha would never forgive her.

  “It doesn’t matter. He’s not going to stick around.” Maya continued to stare down her daughter, her stomach clenched. She couldn’t allow Samantha to believe that Sam might really be a part of her life. Sure, he might think he wanted to right now, but what about after he married and became congressman? Where was the guarantee that he’d still want to be a father then?

  And what about Sam’s mother? A wave of nausea came over Maya as she considered the possibility of seeing Sam’s mother again.

  “You don’t know that. He made all those phone calls!” Samantha got up, still glaring at Maya, and replaced her earbuds as she grabbed her phone, sharply turned on her heel and headed for the door. She let it slam shut behind her.

  Ami closed her eyes and shook her head. “What is it about you Rao women that you are unable or unwilling to trust a man? Are you actually afraid to be happy?” She bit her samosa and pointed the remainder at Maya’s mother’s back. “There’s your mom, the queen of misguided loyalty and bitterness, then there’s you—” she pointed at Maya “—so full of abandonment issues, you couldn’t even see what was in front of you. Are you going to damn Samantha to that same fate? Let her see him—he is her father—and find out what happens.”