Then, Now, Always

by Mona Shroff

  “I’m talking about my mom.” She looked her grandmother in the eye. “My mom’s father chose to leave them—she doesn’t even know if he’s alive or not. At least you know that Arjun-kaka loved you, and it wasn’t his choice to leave.”

  Sam had never seen his mother rendered quite this speechless. Silence was loud in the air as his mother had a kind of war with herself.

  It was still dark out when his father joined them. Sam’s father told stories about Sam as a boy, and Samantha gobbled them up. Sam sank into the sofa, sipped his bourbon and allowed the warmth of his family to envelop him in a way that it hadn’t for almost twenty-five years.

  Just before sunrise, Paige peeked in and retreated to the kitchen before returning with a tray of mugs, bringing the aroma of fresh coffee with her. She smiled at Sam as she curled up in the chair across from him, her hands wrapped around a steaming mug. Her attention was on Hema and Samantha as their conversation continued.

  Sam hadn’t heard his mother laugh like this since Arjun was alive. Both Sam and John just watched as Samantha unknowingly revealed a woman that both Sam and his father had thought was lost to them forever. The glow on his mother’s face was a direct result of Samantha’s presence. His mother could have been this happy all these years, if Maya hadn’t kept Samantha from them, and anger soured the moment of bliss. He shoved the anger away for another day. Today, he wanted to enjoy his parents’ happiness.

  Sam traded his empty bourbon glass for a mug of coffee and tried to catch his fiancée’s eye, but she was focused on his mother. Concern grew on her face as she quietly watched the exchange between grandmother and granddaughter.

  They laughed and talked while the sun came up on Christmas morning, at which point Samantha stood and stretched. “Aren’t we going to church?”

  Sam’s mother stared at her, speechless. Sam stood and shrugged at his mother. “Apparently, Maya takes her to church every Christmas.”

  Something flickered in his mother’s eyes, but before Sam could place it, the laughter was back. “Well then, we better get dressed.”

  Back in his room with Paige, Sam plopped down on his bed as she prepared to shower.

  “I haven’t seen your mother this happy—ever,” she said.

  Paige was right. Sam did not respond; he felt the anger returning.

  “I mean, don’t you think it’s great how Samantha seems to be able to bring out the best in your mom? She’s even talking about your brother.”

  Sam remained silent.

  “Sam?” Paige wrapped her arms around him. “What’s the matter?”

  Sam pulled out of her arms. “Imagine if my mom had had Samantha for the past fifteen years. She could have been this happy all along.” His heart hammered and blood pulsed in his head. “Maya robbed my family of this.”

  Paige stepped back from him, her eyes blazing. “Your mother is truly happy for the first time in years, and all you can think about is Maya?”

  “Of course, I’m thrilled to see my mom and dad happy.” Sam set his jaw. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”

  “Do I?” She looked disgusted as she went for her shower.

  By the time Sam finished getting dressed, Paige was already downstairs. He hadn’t stayed up all night in years, so he headed to the kitchen for another cup of coffee. His mother and Paige were speaking in hushed tones in the kitchen and he caught the tail end of their conversation.

  “He blames Maya completely.” Paige sounded worried.

  “As he should.”

  “But Mom, that’s not...”

  “It doesn’t matter, beti. Trust me. This is best.” His mother was firm, ending the discussion as he entered the kitchen.

  “Talking about me again?”

  “Only the best things, beta.” His mother patted his cheek. “Now grab that coffee to go and let’s get in the car. Where is that granddaughter of mine?”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  MAYA

  New York, 2013

  MAYA APPROACHED THE back entrance to her apartment carrying a large package while trying to balance multiple grocery bags, one of which included the eggs she needed to bake today. She fumbled and strained with the packages as she reached for her key.

  “Hey, Maya.” Sam’s voice startled her. She dropped the bag with the eggs and teetered as she tried not to drop the package. Sam caught her, his hands on her back, before she fell. He was dressed for work, precisely tailored dress coat over what must be a nicely fitted designer suit and he smelled so completely masculine—like leather and soap—it was all Maya could do to not lean into him.

  “What the hell, Sam? Sneak up on people much?” Maya grabbed for the bag that had the eggs.

  “I wasn’t trying to scare you.” His touch was all at once foreign and familiar, and when he removed his hands from her, she felt a sense of loss.

  She inspected the bag. “The eggs look broken. Shit.”

  “At least you didn’t break. You’re welcome.” He pressed his lips together and gave a small shake of his head.

  “I would’ve been fine if you hadn’t startled me.”

  Sam just stared at her. It was really not fair that he be so handsome when he was clearly so angry with her. She found the key and opened the door. “Why are you here? Samantha is in school.”

  Sam picked up the package and the bags with ease and followed her up the stairs. “I need a copy of Samantha’s birth certificate for soccer registration. She told me to stop by today. Didn’t she tell you?”

  “No. She probably forgot.” Her phone dinged as they entered the apartment. Maya glanced at it as she put down the bag she carried. “No, here’s the text now.”

  “Where do you want these?” Sam stood in the entrance, holding everything that Maya had been carrying.

  Maya grabbed the bag that had the eggs and motioned Sam toward the dining table. “You can put that stuff there.”

  She took out the cartons and opened each one. One carton was totaled, but the others seemed usable. She sighed. “Well, at least I can get some baking done.”

  “Don’t you get a shipment of baking supplies? So you don’t have to go out and buy eggs?”

  “I do, but the eggs didn’t come in the last shipment. Or in the shipment before that. I’ve called and stopped payment, so as of now, I have a new supplier, but that shipment isn’t due for a few days.”

  “Well, let me know if you need help with that. Like legal help.”

  “I’ll be fine.” Her words were harsher than she intended.

  “Fine.”

  Silence, during which they looked everywhere but at each other.

  Sam shoved his hands into his coat pockets. “Can I have that birth certificate?”

  “Oh, yes. It’s back here.” Maya walked toward the bedroom, keenly aware that Sam was behind her. At least she’d made her bed today. The papers were in a small safe in her closet. She pushed aside clothing and kneeled down to punch in the combination for the safe, Sam still behind her.

  “Did you just put in 0525?”

  “Why are you looking at my code?” Maya snapped at him. She opened the safe and pulled out a bulging folder and started rummaging through papers.

  “That’s my birthday,” Sam murmured, the hostility gone from his voice.

  Maya ignored him. “How was your Christmas?”

  Sam joined her on the floor. “It was great having Samantha with us. You should have seen my mom. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her happier.”

  The accusation in his voice was loud and clear. Maya cringed but did not look up from her paper search.

  “My dad, too.” Sam softened his voice. “He was just so...content.”

  Maya’s heart ached at this. Uncle had never been anything but kind to her, and she had thanked him by keeping his grandchild from him.

  “Even talked
to my dad about taking on some more pro bono type cases. So if you know anyone who needs legal counsel...”

  Maya snapped her head up. “What? You mean like helping out the little guy?” She couldn’t help the huge grin that spread across her face. “That’s awesome.”

  “Thanks.” Sam’s nod was curt, but if she was not mistaken, there was true gratitude and excitement in his eyes. Not that she was looking.

  “Actually, Mrs. Chen from across the street is having trouble with the company that is holding her lease. She’s a smart lady, but language is a problem. Her daughter usually helps with that, but she’s away at school...”

  “I’ll talk to her.” Sam actually grinned.

  It was much nicer to see him smiling. She did her best to ignore any happy thoughts about him. “Ooh! And Lorenzo, the owner of the Italian market, is having an issue with one of his suppliers, too.” She was failing.

  “Okay, great. I’ll talk to him, too.” Sam leaned against the wall and stretched his legs out. “Thanks.”

  “Sure.” Maya returned to her pile of papers. She tossed aside a thick stack of papers. “What’s this doing in here?” She continued her search for the birth certificate. Only the sound of shuffling papers broke the silence.

  “Are you expanding the coffee shop?”

  Maya looked up to find Sam deep into the stack of papers she had put aside. “Um, yeah. It’s the next logical step.”

  “You buying next door and taking down walls, and all that?”

  “Mmm-hmm.”

  He flipped through the stack, scanning, grunting here and there. Maya forgot about the birth certificate as she watched him. “Is something not right with that agreement? I had my lawyer look over it, he said it looked great.”

  “You have a lawyer?”

  “Well, I have a lawyer I go to before I sign papers.”

  “You just got these last week.” He pointed to the date. “I could have looked at them for you.”

  “Oh, uh, well. I know.” She went back to her search. “You’ve done enough.” She stared him down. “And you’re always mad.”

  “Well, mad or not, I can take care of this kind of thing for you.” His voice was still distant, but less angry. “Your guy missed a few things.”

  “What?” Maya dropped her pile and crawled over to Sam. “Where?”

  She leaned over him to see. Sam pointed out a few places that would eventually cost Maya extra money. Why did it have to feel so good to be close to him?

  “Damn it! And I paid him already.” Maya closed her eyes. She couldn’t afford to keep wasting money like this.

  “I can fix it.” His voice became soft and kind, almost the way Maya remembered it, except now a bit deeper, older. “And you can pay me in those chocolate chip cookies you used to make.”

  Maya risked a glance at him. “Okay. Chocolate chip cookies, it is.” She looked down at her stack. “Ah! Here it is.” She handed it to Sam. “I have a copier in the shop.” She started to gather up the disarray of papers and put them back in the safe, when they slipped from her hands, falling everywhere. “Oh, crap. I don’t have time for this.”

  Sam set the certificate down and laughed, helping Maya gather the papers.

  “Let’s just get all this stacked together. I’ll have to organize it later. I need to get some things into the oven and my eggs are sitting out.” She frantically gathered papers, trying to make an even stack. Sam gathered the smaller things that had escaped, making a smaller pile of sorts. Before Maya had a chance to register what Sam was doing, he had stopped moving, clutching a small piece of paper in his hands. No-no-no-no!

  “What’s this?”

  The sight of Sam holding that particular piece of paper paralyzed Maya. Her heart hammered while her arms hung, useless, by her side. She willed them to grab that slip of paper, but even as they tried to comply, Sam moved out of her reach.

  “Sam, give it back to me.” Her voice cracked.

  It was a check, made payable to Maya Rao, in the amount of ten thousand dollars. It was signed by Hema Hutcherson. And the date. The date was... “This is the day before I came to see you again. After the proposal fiasco.” He looked up at her, pain and confusion lining his features. “What is this?” It was a demand.

  Maya remained frozen to her spot. “Nothing. Just forget about it. It’s inconsequential.” She grabbed for it again. He easily pulled it out of her reach.

  “I’ll be the judge of that, Maya.” His voice was gruff. “Tell me. Tell me now.” A renewed anger was beginning to ooze from him. But there was a touch of fear in his face, too. Like he had figured out what the check was about and didn’t want to accept it.

  “Fine. But remember, you asked. You demanded to know.” Maya looked him in the eye. If he wanted to know, fine.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

  MAYA

  Maryland, 1996

  “MAYA, IT’S A mistake to tell him. He may stay for a bit, but he will run. Trust me.” Her mother’s voice held fourteen years of disappointment, resentment and loss. But Maya held firm. Sam should at least know he had a child. She would make it clear that he was under no obligation to her. Especially if Bridget was pregnant, too. No way Maya wanted to be tied to her for the rest of her life. She grimaced inwardly. You really couldn’t make this shit up. Who got two girls pregnant in the same summer? Her mother was starting another round with Maya when the doorbell rang.

  Grateful for the disturbance, Maya peeked through the window and her body tensed. What was Sam’s mother doing here? She took a deep breath and put a smile on her face as she answered the door. “Auntie! What a surprise.” Her eyes were still red-rimmed and swollen from crying, but she hoped Hema-auntie wouldn’t notice.

  “Maya.” Hema-auntie’s smile only reached her lips. Her eyes were black coal, though there were bags under them, as if she hadn’t been sleeping well. Her skin also seemed to lack some of the rosy glow Maya had remembered from meeting her before.

  “Won’t you come in?” Maya’s stomach lurched as she caught the scent of lavender when Hema-auntie passed. She led her into the family room where her mother was sitting.

  “Mum, this is Hema Hutcherson, Sam’s mother.” Maya’s voice trembled so she cleared her throat in a vain attempt to steady it. “Auntie, this is my mother, Sunita Rao.”

  Her mother stood and nodded to Hema-auntie. “Hello.” She wasn’t cold as ice, but she was clearly not going to spare any warmth for Sam’s mother.

  Hema-auntie matched her mother’s nod. “Hello.”

  Ever the hostess, Maya’s mother did not miss a beat, inviting Hema-auntie to have a seat and offering water or tea.

  “Actually, this is not really a social call. I was hoping to have a word with Maya.” She rested her eyes on Maya. “Alone.”

  The corners of her mother’s mouth curved into the semblance of a smile. “Of course. I’ll leave you to it, then.” She turned to Maya as she left. “I’ll just be upstairs, should you need anything.”

  Maya sat across from Hema-auntie and waited. Hema-auntie moved slowly, almost as if she were in pain. Maya had always had the feeling that Sam’s mother was not fond of her, but she didn’t know what she had done to offend her, except date her son.

  Oh.

  “Maya.” She wasn’t so much cold as she was businesslike. “The summer is over, your employment at my brother’s house will come to an end in a few days and you will return home.”

  Maya’s heart pounded. “Yes. That’s true.”

  “You have had an enjoyable summer with my son, but that is going to end. Now. Go home. Forget you came here.” Her steady gaze remained focused on Maya.

  Blood drained from Maya’s head and she had a sense of falling. She reached for her glass of water. “I’m sorry, what?”

  “You heard me. You come from different worlds. You had your summer fun, and he had his
. So, put it behind you. Go back to Queens.” She spoke as if this were the most obvious conclusion of things. As if she were telling a ten-year-old that the party was over and it was time to go home.

  Maya gripped the side of the chair to steady herself. Surely she had misunderstood this woman. “I don’t understand.”

  “What’s to understand?” Her tone was impatient, as if Maya were daft. “You are not the type of woman my son needs. He’s going to be somebody someday.” She squared her shoulders and lifted her chin. “You are just a girl. It’s not personal—I’m sure you are lovely. But you grew up the daughter of a single immigrant mother in Queens. You don’t have the upbringing or the connections that my son will need to move forward with his ambitions.”

  The words hit her like a punch in the stomach. Her breath became short. She searched Hema-auntie’s eyes and found only disapproval. Had she planned on leaving Sam? Yes. Then why did her insides scramble to hear his mother confirm it? Maybe she didn’t want to leave him. Maybe it wasn’t right for her. Or for him.

  “Did he tell you he loves you?”

  Maya’s face must have revealed the answer.

  “He thinks he does.” Sam’s mother chuckled, but without humor. “But did you not notice that he had a different girl on his arm three months ago?” Hema-auntie waved her hand dismissively. “He thought he loved her, too.”

  Maya’s stomach dropped and she placed a protective hand on her belly. It was a small gesture, easily overlooked. But women have been making this small gesture since the beginning of time. Women knew.

  Hema-auntie’s eyes flew open as she took in the gesture. She flicked her gaze to Maya’s face. Whatever she saw there brought her hand to her mouth. “Oh my,” Hema-auntie whispered and looked at Maya’s belly. “You are pregnant.” She met Maya’s eyes. “And Sam does not know.”

  Maya pressed her lips together. Silence filled the room for a long moment as all the information in the air was digested.

  Hema-auntie took a few steps closer to Maya and placed her small cold hand on Maya’s cheek as if talking to a small child. “Surely you did not think you were the only one?” Maya broke her gaze and Hema-auntie’s voice filled the air. “Oh dear, you did.” She looked Maya up and down. “How naive.”