Then, Now, Always

by Mona Shroff

  They stopped just outside the entrance to the coffee shop but didn’t come in, as if they were waiting for something. Sure enough, a cab pulled up, and from it emerged a stunning young woman. Her dark hair was in a ponytail and she, too, wore jeans and a T-shirt. She smiled broadly upon seeing Sam and wrapped her arms around him as he lifted her off her feet in a hug. He put her down and kissed her cheek. Maya forgot her customers and became enthralled by what was unfolding outside her window.

  Sam kept his arm around the woman and turned to Samantha. Samantha extended her hand but the woman bypassed it and hugged her. Maya’s heart dropped into her stomach. They made quite the attractive family. Well, it certainly didn’t take him long, did it? It had hardly been seven days since he and Paige had broken up, according to Samantha. But honestly, introducing every woman he dated to his daughter was not going to be healthy for Samantha. No, Maya could not stand for this.

  Sam put his hand on the doorknob to enter the shop and Maya rushed to occupy herself. “Well, I just thought you two should finally meet.” Sam was smiling. “Samantha is very interested in people who are important to me.”

  Really? This woman was already important to him? They hadn’t seen her yet, so Maya slipped into the kitchen. Why did he have to bring his little chippy here?

  “Maya, I’m going up. Raj is coming to get me in a few minutes. Can you close up?”

  “Sure, Mum. Go ahead.” Maya barely registered her mother’s words.

  “She’s probably finishing up in the kitchen. She was making chai masala today,” Maya heard Samantha say. “Come on back. I’m sure she’d love to see you.”

  They were coming into the kitchen! Maya froze with horror, recovering just in time to rip off her hairnet and fluff her hair in the small mirror.

  “Mom! Mom! You’ll never guess who Dad just introduced me to!” The excitement in Samantha’s voice grated on Maya. She’d just met this woman! Sam and the young woman were just behind Samantha. Sam still had his arm draped on the woman’s shoulders and he was beaming. If Maya weren’t so irritated with him, his smile would’ve made her stomach flutter. The woman standing next to him was actually more of a girl—way too young for Sam. What the hell was he thinking?

  Maya couldn’t contain herself. “Well, it looks like he’s brought around a young girlfriend.” She turned to Sam and tried to burn holes in him with her eyes. Honestly, Maya hadn’t seen him this happy since...well, in a long time. Her face got hot and she didn’t even care that the girl was standing right there.

  “Honestly, Sam. Do you even think before you act?” She moved toward him. “If you want to have a girlfriend that’s actually young enough to be your daughter, that is certainly your business, but to introduce her to our daughter?” Maya poked a finger into Sam’s chest and he looked at her like she was a crazy woman.

  “Seriously, Maya. Calm down!” Sam’s eyes were wide with surprise. “She’s not my girlfriend.”

  “Oh, a date then?” Maya was incredulous. Had he just rolled his eyes at her? She poked her finger harder, nearly hurting herself as she came up against hard muscle. “How is that any better?”

  “It’s not! Stop poking me.” He was clearly getting irritated.

  “I. Will. Not.” She accented each word with a poke. “I saw you hugging and kissing her! In front of our daughter! This is irresponsible, but what did I expect, anyway?” The warmth in her face was causing her to sweat a little as she realized that she might be getting a little shrill. Whatever.

  “Maya.” He folded his arms across his chest and looked down at her through his lashes. “You might want me to explain.” He spoke to her from between clenched teeth.

  “Oh, let’s hear it!” She stepped back.

  “Well, actually, maybe I should.” The young woman looked to Sam for permission.

  Sam grinned broadly. He spread open his arms and took a few steps back from Maya. “Please do.”

  The young woman turned her huge, chocolate-brown eyes on Maya and smiled. “Maya, I suppose it has been a long time. Close to sixteen years.”

  Maya narrowed her eyes and looked closely at the woman for the first time. There was something familiar about her. She stepped closer to her.

  “It’s me, Maya. It’s—”

  “Niki!” Maya covered her mouth with her hand as realization hit. “Oh, Niki. It’s really you! You’re so grown up!” She laughed even as tears spilled from her eyes. “Oh, I’m an idiot, going on like I did!”

  Niki gave Maya a hug. “Oh, we’ve missed you! That summer with you was one of our favorites.” Niki pulled back. “But then you left so suddenly...” She looked from Sam to Samantha. “I suppose it all makes sense now. And no, you’re not an idiot—I take every chance I can to yell at Sammy.”

  Maya flushed and was thankful that Sam was standing behind her where she didn’t have to see his I-told-you-so face. She nodded to Niki. “Yes, well. I’m sorry for how I left things with you and Ben and your parents. It really was thoughtless. I was young and scared and—”

  “No, no. Don’t.” Niki gave a vigorous shake of her head and wiped tears from her own eyes. “Don’t give it another thought. It’s all in the past.” She glanced over Maya’s shoulder at Sam. “We can all start over. Now we have Samantha, too.”

  Niki’s words hung in the air, almost palpable. A beat too late, Maya answered her, “Sure, of course.” She had been holding Niki’s hands and now she dropped them. “Listen, since it’s Saturday, we’ll be closing in a few minutes. I do have a cake meeting, but it’s not for another hour. Stay and have lunch here.”

  Niki smiled broadly, and Maya was taken aback by the similarity in Niki’s and Sam’s smiles. “That sounds wonderful. We haven’t eaten yet and it would be nice to catch up.”

  Sam had edged toward the door and was rapidly moving the pull tab of his jacket zipper up and down. “Well, I’ll just leave you girls to it, then.” He made a move to leave.

  Samantha stopped him. “Dad, you can stay! You didn’t eat yet, either. That’s okay, right, Mom?”

  Maya finally looked in Sam’s direction, but was still unable to meet his eyes, her earlier antics still fresh in her mind. “Of course Sam can join us. There’s always plenty of food.” Sam silently nodded his acceptance.

  “Samantha—” Maya pointed to the back. “Why don’t you get some sandwiches together? I’ll close up and bring coffee.”

  Samantha pulled Niki to the back of the kitchen to work on the sandwiches. Sam lingered with Maya.

  “Nice, Maya.” He raised his eyebrows at her and shook his head. “Assuming I had a girlfriend—” his voice was terse as he leaned back against the counter, arms folded across his chest “—that age.”

  Maya had to force herself to look away from the way his T-shirt stretched over the muscles in his arms. “Well, what was I supposed to think?” She started the coffee maker and closed her eyes but the image remained. Oh boy.

  Sam blew air out of his mouth. “Oh, I don’t know. How about assuming that I wouldn’t bring random women around my daughter, especially since my fiancée just left me? Or that I might want someone closer to my own age, as opposed to my daughter’s?” He unfolded his arms and leaned back on them. “But then again, I guess thinking the best of me isn’t necessarily natural for you.” There was more than a touch of venom in his words, but it was matched by a touch of sadness.

  She frowned. “That’s not true.”

  “Really? Then why the big show?”

  She turned away from him and opened a cupboard door so he couldn’t see her flush. She spoke into the cupboard. “If I didn’t trust you, there’s no way I’d let you take Samantha all the time—father or not.” She peeked around the cupboard door. He was silently nodding agreement.

  He looked in her direction and she ducked behind the cupboard door again. “What are you looking for?”

  “Coffee m
ugs. The extras are up here.” She stood on tiptoe to try to reach the top shelf. She got a finger on one and tried to pull it toward her.

  “Here, I’ll get it.” He was immediately behind her, his warmth and traces of cologne filling the space behind her. His body pressed against her back as he reached over her to get the mugs, and it was all Maya could do not to melt back into him.

  Honestly, this had to stop.

  He grabbed four mugs. “Here you go.” She heard the smile in his voice.

  She hesitated before turning around, waiting for him to step back. Instead, he leaned down toward her, his breath on her ear. “You weren’t jealous, were you?”

  “What?” She spun around too fast, her body grazing hard muscle. Oh God. She quickly sidestepped, and tried to breathe Sam-free air and gather herself. “Nah—don’t think so much of yourself, Sam.” The pitch of her voice was too high, and she was speaking too fast. But she couldn’t stop herself. “If I was jealous, that might imply that I was still in love with you.” What was she saying?

  Sam snapped his eyes to hers. “Are you?”

  “Am I what?” She needed to get out of this conversation.

  “Are you still in love with me?” He had captured her in his gaze as if her answer could change the course of the universe.

  “No.” It wasn’t any easier to force the lie from her mouth than it was the first time she’d said it. She thought for an instant that disappointment flashed across Sam’s face. But before she could confirm it, Sam once again hardened his gaze. She took the mugs and returned to the coffee maker. “Niki has grown up to be quite a beautiful young lady.”

  He cleared his throat. “Yes, she has. She’s doing her master’s in education at NYU.”

  Maya busied herself with the cream and sugar for the coffee. From the corner of her eye, she saw Sam filling a plate with cookies.

  “She’s focusing on early childhood development. Largely, I think, from your influence on her that summer.” He paused and she turned back to face him.

  “She didn’t stop talking about you for a very long time.” His jaw was tight and his knuckles were white from gripping the counter. “The way you left...”

  She couldn’t tear her gaze away from him. Did she imagine it, or were there tears in his eyes?

  “She was seven. It was hard to make her understand.”

  Another person she’d harmed. “I know I hurt people—and not just you. But I can’t change that.”

  “Maybe, but you had sixteen years to try to make that right—and you didn’t.”

  Tears burned behind her eyes, but she wouldn’t cry in front of him, not again. She swallowed her tears and the burn subsided. “I tried. Every birthday, every milestone.” She folded her arms tight across her chest, willing herself to stay composed. “I must have picked up the phone a hundred times the first year of her life, to tell you what cute and new thing she did.”

  “But...?” His eyes were still hard, but for the first time since all this started, Maya knew he was really listening.

  “But then I would remember how it felt to sit by the window all day on a Saturday, willing my father to come back to us. Or the hole in my belly as I searched the crowd for him at my dance recitals, only to be disappointed and having to paste a smile on my face and dance. I remembered what it felt like when I finally realized that he wasn’t coming home.” Her nose prickled, tears were inevitable now. “That he didn’t care enough.”

  As she spoke, Sam inched closer to her. The hardness in his eyes had melted into something tender, and when that lone tear escaped from Maya’s eyes, he wiped it away. His touch was achingly gentle, causing more tears to fall. “You know it wasn’t your fault he left.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Sam. I’m a grown woman. Of course I know that.”

  “It wasn’t your fault he left.” He repeated himself as he studied her face, with some surprise. “Have you felt, all this time, that your father left because of you?” Something hard flashed in his eyes and he clenched his jaw, his nostrils flared.

  “No. Of course I understand—” Maya attempted a smile, but she couldn’t hold it as her lips quivered.

  “You may ‘understand’, but that’s different from what you feel.” The edge in his voice held her. “Didn’t your mother ever tell you that it wasn’t your fault? That he left because of himself and nothing you did?”

  Maya shook her head. If she said anything, she’d break down.

  “Damn it, Maya.” A new look in Sam’s eyes that she’d never seen before. It looked like pity. He moved closer, as if to put his arms around her. Every cell in her body wanted to be held by him. To inhale him. To feel protected in his arms like she once had. To love and be loved by him. But not if he pitied her. Hell, no.

  She stepped away. “Don’t.” She put her hands up between them. “I do not need pity from you. I told you that once and it still applies.”

  “I’m not pitying you, and I never have.”

  “Yes, you are. It’s all over you.” She hardened her gaze. “And I don’t want it.”

  Sam worked his jaw as he shook his head at her. “It’s not pity. It’s—” He fisted his hands and moved away from her. “Never mind.”

  Maya couldn’t read his face, but every muscle in his body was tense.

  “But I will say one thing. We’re not all the same.” His hands were still clenched.

  “Who?”

  “Men. We’re not all the same. You should’ve given me a chance.”

  A new emotion had found its way into Sam’s face, and Maya didn’t like it much more than whatever had just been there. It was disappointment.

  She turned back to the coffee maker. Nothing would ever change his mind. He would never love her again. She was surprised to realize that there was a significant part of her that had actually thought that might be possible. “Here’s your coffee.” Her hand trembled as she gave him his mug and she almost spilled the coffee.

  “Careful, now.” He reached out to take the mug from her and his fingers grazed hers, sending a thrill through her. Damn it.

  A loose strand of her hair tumbled forward into her face. As she automatically reached to tuck the rebel lock behind her ear, Sam’s hand had started to come up, as well. She tucked the rogue piece of hair back and found Sam’s hand frozen in midair.

  Maya shifted her gaze up and caught Sam watching her. She weakened as his eyes softened and held hers for a moment. He opened his mouth as if to speak. Then, just as fast as it had come, the softness left his eyes and he closed his mouth without saying a thing. He closed his hand, quickly returning it to his side.

  Maya inhaled, as if doing so would calm her heart. The fact that he smelled like Sam wasn’t helping.

  Sam sipped the coffee and frowned. “What happened to the coffee?”

  She tried to look him in the eye. “I, uh—I ran out of the other stuff and didn’t make more.” She stepped away from him. “This is a new blend I roasted last week.”

  His frown deepened as he met her eyes. “It’s great.” He took another sip. “It’s just not, you know, the other stuff.”

  She raised her eyebrows at him. “Well, we’ve had the other stuff for years. We’re overdue for a change.” Her voice hardened and her body stiffened as she looked at him. “Time to move on.”

  Sam again opened his mouth to speak, but Niki and Samantha returned. They were laughing and they produced a plate of sandwiches. “Come on, you two. We’re hungry,” Niki called out to them.

  “You all go sit down. I’ll just shut down a few things here.” Maya quickly stepped away from Sam, as if she’d been caught doing something wrong, and headed toward the ovens.

  During lunch, Niki and Sam told stories about her and Ben growing up. Samantha radiated joy and clearly adored this big-sister-auntie she’d found. Maya relaxed for a moment into that feeling of family, laug
hing and smiling easily. She caught Sam’s eye, his glance rested on her, easy and familiar. Maya reminded herself of his earlier anger and disappointment. She hardened her gaze and looked away.

  “So, tell me about Ben.” Maya sipped her coffee.

  “Ben is currently in Africa, doing his Doctors Without Borders type thing.” Niki rolled her eyes and looked at Sam. Sam laughed.

  “What?” Maya looked to Niki.

  Sam answered. “Well, he’s been there for over six months. Usually, the docs go for about a week or two.”

  “It’s a girl.” Niki shook her head. “He’s hiding from a girl.” She giggled and Sam laughed along with her.

  The door chimed and all heads turned. It was Leo. He was here for the cake meeting. Ami was right: he really was quite handsome. Maya set down her coffee. “I’m sorry. My appointment is here. But take your time, finish up. I just have to show some sketches.”

  Sam pressed his lips into a straight line and all the laughter left his face. “I’ll bet,” Sam murmured. The table shook from Sam’s leg jostling beneath it, and Niki threw him a glare.

  Maya didn’t understand Sam’s sudden change in mood, but it wasn’t her problem. She walked over to Leo. “Hi. So glad you could make it.”

  “Of course, Maya. Wouldn’t miss my chance.”

  “Great, we can sit right here.” She guided him to the opposite side of the shop. The coffee shop was small, so it was more for the appearance of privacy. “I’ve drawn up some sketches.” Leo sat down and Maya joined him, opening her sketchbook. They went over cake ideas for his niece’s sweet sixteen. Maya felt his gaze on her, and for the first time, allowed herself to enjoy the attention. He really did have the most amazing blue eyes. She caught Sam’s gaze on her over Leo’s shoulder and shifted her seat so she couldn’t see him.

  Leo finally settled on a three-tiered “lopsided” cake, which would add whimsy to the party. Maya walked him to the door.