The Hidden Life

by Erin Noelle

  Urgent, desperate tongues collided in an axis-tilting kiss. We moved and shuffled on the mattress until he was propped up on his back and I was kneeling between his thighs, our mouths never breaking contact as we made up for lost time. His hands cupped the back of my neck, applying pressure just how I loved, and tearing my lips from his, I began to inch my way down his body, kissing, licking, and nipping until I reached my final destination.

  A steady chorus of our grunts and grumbles mixed with heavy, labored breathing filled the room. His intoxicating scent was a mixture of leather and pine — all fucking man — and I couldn’t get enough. It was never enough.

  Peering up at him as I wrapped my fingers around the base of his erection, my mouth hovered directly above the tip of his cock, already glistening with his arousal. “Is this what you had in mind?” I provoked, swirling my tongue around the dark, swollen flesh.

  He chuckled low and husky, shaking his head. “Nobody likes a tease, Seth. That maybe can quickly turn into a doubtful, if you want to play that game.”

  I flicked my tongue over the head again then lifted my eyebrows, as if to ask, “What now?” Demanding fingers dug into my scalp and the back of my neck, pushing my head back down, but I resisted.

  “Tell me why first,” I whispered, needing to hear him say it. Over the phone or laptop screen wasn’t the same.

  Colin’s entire face softened at my vulnerability as one of his hands fell to cradle the side of my jaw, his rough, calloused thumb brushing over my cheek. “Because you’re the only one. You’ll always be my only one.”

  Warmth filled me and I nodded, reassured. Without wasting another second to finally get a taste of the man I loved, my lips parted and I slid him inside my mouth until the tip hit the back of my throat. He moaned so loud it rumbled inside my bones, and hearing his pleasure only spurred me on.

  Bobbing my head up and down his long, thick cock, I established a steady rhythm of using my hand and mouth to work him over thoroughly, just how he liked. After three years of pleasuring each other like this, we had learned all of the other’s trigger points and very much enjoyed taunting and tantalizing. My own shaft rubbed brusquely against the sheet, the heated friction triggering tingling in my balls and up my spine.

  “Yes, oh, my God, that feels so good. Don’t stop… whatever you do, please don’t stop,” Colin pleaded as his hips bucked uncontrollably, his release mounting fast and furiously.

  I slipped one of my hands under his body when he lifted up off the mattress, my finger tracing the seam of his cheeks until I reach his tight hole. Even though we’d been sucking and jacking each other off since that first night we hooked up in the tree house, Colin was still adamant about not being ready to go all the way — either on the giving or receiving end — but I’d finally gotten him involved in a little backdoor-play, which I knew he liked a lot more than he admitted. Slipping just a tip inside his ass almost always spurred him to explode within seconds. And I fucking loved having that power over him.

  Lightly tapping my finger over the puckered skin, he clenched tight, but before I had the chance to torment him any longer, his bedroom door flew open, banging loudly against the wall. Standing beneath the doorframe was one very-pissed-off Monroe, staring at us in jaw-dropped disbelief.

  After several seconds of suffocating silence, with all three of us frozen in place, Colin finally moved, jerking out from under me and rolling off the mattress. “Roe, sweetheart, please don’t freak out,” he said, his voice soft and soothing. “Give us a chance to explain.”

  Immediately, my body ached at the loss of him, but I understood that taking care of her was the number one priority in that moment. As I followed him off the bed, we both grabbed our clothes from the floor and swiftly got dressed. All the while, she stood there and watched us, never once seeming uneasy nor disgusted. More shocked and intrigued. I could see the mountain of questions building in her head, but she kept quiet.

  Colin reached her first, scooping her up into his arms and holding her tight to his chest. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry we didn’t tell you, baby girl. We just didn’t know how.”

  I lagged a few feet away, awkward, not knowing what to say or do. And my balls were on fire, pissed off about the interruption, so I was extra uncomfortable. Gratefully, Monroe put me out of at least part of my misery almost instantly.

  “I’m not mad at you guys,” she announced, shifting her attention from Colin over to me then back to him. “Maybe a little hurt that you didn’t just tell me, but not mad.”

  Colin and I exhaled a collective sigh of relief as she continued talking to him. “I mean, it’s definitely crossed my mind before. After a while, a girl starts to wonder why you aren’t interested in doing anything physical with her, but I liked thinking you really were that noble, dedicated to waiting until you got married.” Her brow wrinkled with worry as she stepped back and wrapped her arms around her center. “And it’s not like I’ve been completely forthcoming with you either. I…uh, I…I don’t li—”

  He closed the gap between them again, lifting her hung chin with his thumb and forefinger. “Shh, it’s okay. Not here. Let’s move out to the living room, where we can all sit and talk,” he suggested.

  Monroe nodded her agreement then peeked around Colin to where I stood, extending her hand out to me, compassion and understanding blanketing her face. “Come on, Seth babe, you too. The three of us have a lot to discuss.”

  “I am sorry

  and I will not

  stop being sorry.

  I will always fail

  you in moments because

  I am a terribly selfish

  human but I

  will never fail you

  when it matters most

  and that, my dear,

  is a promise weaved

  together with promise.

  I will always love you,

  and you must know:

  there are seas

  inside me

  and the waves

  only sway

  to the sound

  of your name.”

  -Christopher Poindexter

  Seth

  JEALOUSY WILL FUCK up a relationship faster than you can blink, and ours was no different. Surprisingly, Monroe wasn’t the one I was ever jealous of. Even after their impromptu destination wedding in the Bahamas during the summer between college and his rookie season in the NFL, which was attended by only his parents, myself, and my immediate family, I never felt threatened by her or what they shared. Monroe was not only good for Colin’s public image, but she was good for his soul, smoothing him out around the edges and helping to rein in the intensity he often struggled to control.

  Honestly, some days I was glad it was her who had to deal with him when he was acting like an ass, instead of me. She always knew exactly what to say or do to put things into perspective. When she had told us the story of her fucked-up childhood and the reason why she had no desire to ever be involved in a sexual relationship, my heart broke for her. If anyone deserved to feel loved and cherished, it was her. She had a heart of gold and the face of an angel, and I loved her like my own flesh and blood. Not to mention, it was her idea that he and I spend their wedding night ‘sealing the deal’, like all married couples should, and… Oh. My. God.

  But I digress.

  No, Monroe wasn’t the problem at all. It was every other couple that I saw out in public — kissing, holding hands, going out on dates, and enjoying their partner. All the things Colin and I could never do outside the confines of our homes. All because he refused to entertain the idea of coming out.

  You see, once Colin was drafted by our hometown New England Patriots, I found a job in Boston so I would be close by and we could continue whatever it was exactly we were doing. With Monroe’s blessing, of course. Though my parents were none too pleased about it, I’d changed my major my junior year from government and public policy to journalism with a minor in kinesiology. A life in politics was never what I truly wante
d, and with Colin and Monroe’s encouragement, I decided to follow my dream to be a high school journalism teacher and rowing coach.

  At first, things were great. Better than great — amazing. I had a job I looked forward to going to each morning, a nice apartment in Bay Village, and a man who I loved more than life itself. With Colin spending the vast majority of his time at the team’s practice facility, acclimating himself to the game on a professional level, Monroe and I spent most evenings hanging out together — cooking dinner, watching movies, playing games, whatever we could find to pass the time. When he’d get home, the three of us would chat a bit before Colin and I would disappear into his room and Monroe into hers.

  But soon, it wasn’t enough.

  I wanted… no, I needed more. Monroe and I shared an incredible friendship, and I loved being around her, but when it got to the point I was spending more time with her than I was with Colin, including the time we were asleep, I grew frustrated and lonely. And that’s when it all started to unravel.

  “Hello?” I shouted into my phone as I weaved my way through the crowded bar, making my way outside, where I could hear over the loud music and noisy chatter.

  “Where. Are. You?” Colin growled, his tone callous, low, and gritty.

  I stepped out the door onto the patio and glanced up at the red oval sign above my head, not really remembering when we’d moved to this pub from the last one. “I’m at the White Horse with some of my coworkers. We came out for a couple of beers after work.”

  “It’s nine-thirty, Seth! You got off work five hours ago!” he roared. “You’re supposed to be here when I get home. I’ve been waiting all day to see you!”

  Anger sparked inside me, and fueled by a few too many Sam Adamses, I popped off without thinking. “Are you kidding me? I’m supposed to be there when you get home? I’m not allowed to have a life of my own? You just want me to sit there, at your house, with your wife, and wait for you? For when it’s convenient for you. For when you can fit me into your I’m-such-a-fucking-important-person schedule. ‘Cause what I want or when I need you doesn’t matter, right? It’s always about you. Always has been.”

  “Seth, stop. You’re drunk and being overdramatic. I’m coming to get you before you make an ass of yourself or do something stupid,” he bossed.

  “Fuck off! You don’t tell me what to do!” I snarled into the receiver, pacing the sidewalk out in front of the bar, ignoring the side-eye glances I was getting from the lingering smokers. “I’m tired of this bullshit. I can’t do it anymore. I’m done.”

  “Can’t do what?” he challenged. “Me? Us? That’s it? After sixteen years of being best friends, five of those as lovers, all of a sudden you just decide you’re done? You’re just walking away without a fight?”

  All the air whooshed out of my lungs in a single breath at the thought of my life without Colin, and I stumbled to the side of the building, my body sagging against the porous brick surface. Running my free hand through my hair, I closed my eyes and swallowed back the bittersweet taste of love. I wanted more — deserved more — than he could ever offer me. But I loved him too much to walk away.

  I sighed, defeated by my own heart. “I just need some time to think about things. We’ll talk in a few days, okay? Give me a chance to sort through my shit.”

  “One night, Seth. I can give you one night — tonight,” he conceded, his voice softer, the anger dissipating. “And know that I won’t be able to sleep a wink without you next to me. But come tomorrow, I want you here when I get home from practice. I won’t stay late so that we’ll have plenty of time to talk about whatever’s bothering you, and after that’s taken care of, I’m gonna let you call the shots for the night. Whatever you want.”

  “Fuck, are you serious?” I hissed in a sharp breath as my dick stirred to life in my jeans.

  The mere thought of Colin allowing me to top him was enough to erase all of the misgivings I had about our relationship instantaneously. There was nothing I wanted more than to make him come while I filled his tight virgin ass with my pulsing cock, and he’d sworn that would never happen.

  “Look, I know my schedule and my life are hard to deal with. I know I’m not around as much as you’d like, or as much as I’d like to be. I know it sucks that we don’t get to do normal things that other couples do. But I also know that I love you. Deeply. For years.” He paused, letting the words sink in. “If my giving you that helps prove how I feel about you, how devoted I am to us, then absolutely. I know you give up a lot to make us work, and I’m willing to do the same.”

  “How about tonight?” I croaked out, adjusting my thickening bulge.

  “Tonight?”

  Clearing my throat, I pushed off the wall and strode toward the street, my hand in the air to hail a nearby taxi. “Yeah, I think we covered most of the ‘talking’ part. I’m more interested in the ‘what happens after’ part. Like right now. Tonight.”

  “Y-y-yeah,” he stuttered at first, caught off guard by my abrupt change of tune, then repeated himself more assuredly. “Yeah, tonight. You need me to come get you?”

  “Nah, I’m grabbing a cabbie now. I’ll have him drop me down the road and come in the back entrance. You mind bringing me to my car on your way to practice tomorrow?” I asked, as I opened the yellow car door and slid into the backseat, giving the driver the address.

  “That works. I’m gonna tell Roe you’re coming then jump in the shower. See you in a few.”

  “Yep.” I hung up the phone and slid it into my pocket then rested my head back on the seat, watching the blur of lights zoom by as I envisioned all of the naughty things I was going to do to Colin later that night.

  By the time I let myself in their house and bound my way up to his second-floor master suite, my dick was a loaded steel gun, cocked and ready to fire. And fire it did.

  Hitting my target every damn time.

  Claiming his forbidden pleasure.

  Reveling in his willing surrender.

  Owning every inch of his hard body.

  Victory that night was sinfully sweet, and I savored every last minute of it, but the next morning, when I couldn’t kiss Colin goodbye as he dropped me off at my car, afraid someone might see us, that same lonely, empty pit of despair reappeared in my gut, this time even deeper than before.

  “I’ll throw

  my

  voice into

  the stars and maybe

  the echo of my words will

  be written for you

  in the clouds by

  sunrise.

  All I’m trying

  to say is:

  I will love

  you

  through the darkness.”

  -Christopher Poindexter

  Seth

  OUT ON THE veranda of the Sixty State Street building’s top floor, I gazed out over the sea of white lights illuminating both the skyline and harbor, wondering what in the hell my problem was. Sucking in a deep breath of fresh Boston summertime air, I closed my eyes and counted backward from ten before exhaling and reopening my lids. Nope, didn’t help at all.

  I had been at the First Annual Mending Hearts Gala for all of ten minutes, and I already felt like the black bowtie was strangling me. Just being in the same room with Colin was enough to make my heart palpitate and my lungs collapse. No matter how much I had psyched myself up for seeing him, I was powerless to the effect he had on me.

  My fingers trembled around the frosty glass filled with my favorite lager as I lifted it to my lips and guzzled back a healthy drink. I could not let him see me like this. I didn’t want him to know how much I still wanted him, how many sleepless nights I had lay alone in my bed, wishing I was in his arms instead.

  It had been a couple of weeks since our last fight, when I had walked out of his bedroom, protesting that, yet again, I had become second place to his public life. The life I was friend-zoned in. The life he would never give up to be with me.

  For the two and a half years we’d been bac
k in Boston, our relationship had been nothing short of a roller coaster ride, a journey filled with constant peaks and valleys, leaving me dizzy and unsure of which way was right-side-up most of the time. During his off-season, we would often spend the evenings cooking dinner, hanging out with Monroe, watching movies, things that normal couples did. Behind closed doors, Colin showered me with love and attention. He texted me during the day to let me know he was thinking about me, counting down the hours until we were back together. Though it still bothered me that we had to stay hidden from the rest of the world, getting that time with him, feeling like I was a part of his life and not just a warm body to keep him company at night, made it all okay.

  But once the season drew near and every waking moment of his time was consumed with practice, team meetings, and hanging out with his teammates to build camaraderie, I began to feel like an afterthought, a convenience. I still got the ‘just because’ texts and his sweet love at night, but our time together dwindled to nearly nothing except for when we were fucking or sleeping. I wanted more.

  I deserved more.

  “I’m glad you decided to come,” Colin’s gruff voice filled my ears a split-second before his familiar scent assaulted my nose. Against my will, I inhaled deeply, causing my cock to stir to life.

  I kept my focus forward, out into the night’s sky as he stepped up next to me, then took another drink of my beer, before answering, “I told Monroe I’d be here, so I’m here. I would never disappoint her.”

  “You could’ve returned one of my texts or calls, ya know? I’ve been losing my mind not talking to you.” He shook his head and grabbed onto the railing out in front of us. “She told me not to push it, said I needed to give you time, but seeing you here tonight… I can’t do that anymore, Seth. I’m done.”

  Not quite understanding what he meant, I glanced over at him and met his intense emerald stare. I gasped, overwhelmed by his nearness and the electricity buzzing between us. It should’ve been a crime for any man to look that damn fine. And a tuxedo to boot… fuck me.