The Hidden Life

by Erin Noelle

  When I strode through the main level of their row house, I found Colin and Barry, the head of Patriot’s public relations, huddled together in the dining area, whispering about what I assumed was the upcoming speech. As soon as they saw me, they came straight over to greet me. Barry shook my hand and offered a thin smile; dark half-moons under his eyes that mirrored my own told me he’d gotten about as much sleep as I had the night before.

  Colin then pulled me into a tight hug, and murmured, “Thank you so much for coming. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you’re here for this.”

  The air whooshed from my lungs and my entire body buzzed at the unexpected physical contact. The first time I’d felt his skin on mine in over four months. A single embrace that flooded my mind with years of memories I’d tried so hard to suppress. For a split second, I forgot the reason we were there, and I allowed myself to melt into the warmth of his colossal frame. Pretending things were the way they used to be.

  “Hey, Colin, where do you keep your sugar for the coffee?” Allison’s voice called out from the kitchen, breaking the charged moment. Quickly, I released him and backed away, embarrassed for my brief lapse in judgment.

  Not taking his eyes off of me, he answered, “Top left shelf in the pantry.”

  I swallowed hard and forced a smile then moved through the archway to greet her as well, trying to stifle the longing and desire he stirred inside of me. This was not the time for my heart to start thinking instead of my brain.

  A few minutes later, after Monroe’s boss and I had exchanged polite pleasantries, the sound of Monroe’s bedroom door opening and the subsequent footsteps on the stairs captured all of our attention. The second she came into view, my heart dropped and I instantly forgot all about my interaction with Colin, and my sole focus shifted to comforting her. The pain and agony painted across her normally cheerful face killed me.

  She first went to Allison, hugging her and apologizing profusely for everything, even though the older woman would hear nothing of it. Then, after a halfhearted ‘good morning’ to the rest of us, at which I looped my arm around her shoulders and held her close to me, Barry went over the logistics of the press conference. Allison and I were to stand next to Colin’s parents, who I was surprised to hear were there, while Colin and Monroe would address the crowd together. A united front.

  Everything seemed to move quickly from there, and before I knew it, I was outside on their front lawn, watching astutely as two of the most important people in my life — regardless of all that had happened — marched hand-in-hand up to the makeshift podium. Not knowing how much the next ten minutes would completely flip my world upside down.

  “I have to be honest with you guys. Doing something like this is even harder than it looks.” With his signature charming smile, Colin started the press conference as he nervously toyed with the collar of his shirt — a very non-Colinesque thing to do. “Last night, I stayed up late working on what I was going to say today, writing and rewriting draft after draft, not happy with how any of them sounded. So I decided, against the strong recommendation of my public relations director,” he tipped his chin in the direction of Barry, “to come out here and speak from my heart, without a script. I’m gonna ask you to bear with me if I ramble a little.”

  He stopped to drink some water from the bottle sitting on the podium, and the sound of camera shutters filled the silence. My entire body was on edge, waiting with bated breath to see what he was going to say.

  “You know, sometimes, life throws you a curve ball that completely blindsides you and knocks you on your butt,” he continued, his voice growing more confident with every word, “and when it happens, you think the effects are going to be devastating. Earth-shattering. That you’ll never recover. Everything you’ve worked so hard for vanishes… all of it just gone in the blink of an eye. That’s how I felt when I woke up yesterday morning. It was as if I’d just been run over by an eighteen-wheeler, who then stopped, put the rig in reverse, and plowed over me again. I thought all hope was lost, and I had no idea what I was going to do.

  “But what I didn’t realize at the time was that curveball was part of God’s plan for me. He knew I needed to get knocked down, to remind me not only to be appreciative of the things I have, but also that He was in control and not me. Now, I know I’ve always been very open about my faith and my spirituality, and when I mention God’s name, I take the risk of losing some of you, because you think, ‘Oh man, here he goes again with that stuff,’ but stay with me until I finish this time. I promise it’ll be worth it.”

  Another pause as he glanced over at Monroe and winked then twisted back to the microphone. My gut rolled with frazzled nerves as I scanned the crowd, silently hoping he could convince all of these people, as well as the rest of the world, that his wife was not the monster they were making her out to be.

  “So, after everything happened yesterday and I was back at home, I found myself with quite a bit of time alone to do some much-needed soul-searching and to really evaluate what my purpose was in this life. Through reading scripture and extensive prayer, I came to realize I wasn’t anything like the person who I pretend to be, the person you guys see when I’m out on the field or volunteering at the neighborhood soup kitchen. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying that playing football isn’t my passion or that I don’t find immense joy helping others in need, because I do, and they’re both a huge part of who I am. But just like every single one of you, when I come home each day, the minute I step through that door and inside my house,” he pointed at the house behind him, “I’m free to just be me, without anyone watching what I’m doing or passing judgment… or so I had fooled myself into believing.”

  His brows pinched together as his smile disappeared and a solemn, determined expression washed over his strong features.

  “You see, what I lost sight of somewhere along the way is I believe the only one whose judgment ultimately matters is God’s, and He can see me all the time. There’s no hiding from Him. The person I am behind closed doors is just as much a part of my character as the football player and the volunteer is, and if my peers choose to judge me for who I am and what I believe, then that’s on them and not me. All I can do is try each and every day to be the best Christian I can be, and when my time comes, hope that I did enough to pass His judgment.

  “Last night, after I made the realization that I’ve been so caught up in what other people think about me and the pretense of this perfect life I live, I also realized that while doing this, I’ve been hurting and taking advantage of the people I love the most. And that’s not who I want to be.” With a deep sigh, he shook his head, disappointment slumping his shoulders.

  “So now you’re all probably wondering how any of this ties into leaked intimate photos of my wife with another man, and I’ll tell you.” Smiling an apologetic smile over at Monroe, he pulled her close to him then looked straight out into the audience. “Monroe Cassidy is my closest friend in the entire world, and I love her more than she will ever know, but what no one else knows until now is that we are husband and wife in name alone… because I’m gay.”

  Gasping, I reached out and grabbed hold of Allison’s hand, afraid my wobbly legs wouldn’t hold me. My heart either stopped working altogether, or it was racing so fast the beats all just blurred together. Shocked. Stunned. Completely fucking speechless. I had to be dreaming.

  Colin tapped the microphone to get the attention of the frenzied crowd, but when that didn’t work, he lifted his arm in the air, and remarkably, they all quieted down. But there was nothing quiet inside me. Everything else he said after and the whirlwind of activity that ensued was just white noise. All I could hear was his words playing in a loop through my mind.

  “…because I’m gay.”

  “…because I’m gay.”

  “…because I’m gay.”

  And what did that mean for me?

  For us?

  “you define yourself

  by what you do


  when the doing is

  not a job,

  rather a fire

  within yourself.

  the greatest tragedy the world

  has ever told

  you is that you

  should be like someone

  else.

  you are what

  no other soul is,

  and those words alone should

  decorate your mind

  until your body falls to pieces.”

  -Christopher Poindexter

  Seth

  I DON’T REMEMBER walking back to my car. I don’t remember driving to my favorite pub. And I sure don’t remember how many drinks I had before Colin found me, a sobbing, slurring mess who could barely hold my head up off the table.

  But I do remember waking up the next day in the arms of the man I’d loved for years, with a smile on my face and a fullness in my heart, hangover from hell be damned.

  “Mornin’, sunshine,” Colin rasped in my ear before kissing the top of my head, as he felt me stir to life. “How ya feeling?”

  “I’ve been worse.” I rolled onto my side and peered over at him with a wicked grin, ignoring the pounding in my head and the wool ball in the back of my throat.

  With a throaty laugh, he shook his head. “I don’t doubt that. Now you wanna tell me why you hightailed your ass outta there yesterday without talking to me? Surely you knew I’d be waiting for you.”

  I shrugged and looked up at the ceiling. “I dunno. It was a lot to take in at once. Overwhelming. I needed some space to think.”

  “You mean to drink?”

  “Well, that too.” I chuckled, returning my gaze to his. “My friend Jack Daniels is quite the philosopher, holding all kinds of answers about the meaning of life and the ways of the heart.”

  With another deep laugh I felt vibrating inside my own chest, he leaned down until the tips of our noses touched, his warm breath feathering across my lips. “And what kind of answers did he give you yesterday? Hopefully ones that said you should forgive your boyfriend for acting like a self-absorbed, pompous asshole for the last several years.”

  “My boyfriend?” I wrinkled my forehead with mock confusion. “Pretty sure I don’t have one of those.”

  A feral growl tore through the room, and before I knew it, I was flat on my back with a scowling, six-and-a-half-foot, two-hundred-and-forty-pound Colin hovering directly over me. The corners of my mouth twitched as I fought off the smile threatening to take over my face.

  “Are you gonna make this more difficult than it needs to be?” His green eyes burned with an intensity I hadn’t seen in a long time. Maybe not ever. “You know I love you, Seth. I’ve never stopped loving you. You’re it for me, always have been. For a long time, I’ve put more value on what others think, what they may say if they knew the truth about me, than I have on our relationship. And I’m so damn sorry for that. I’m sorry it took this whole mess with Monroe and Oliver to make me realize what’s really important in life… what I should’ve grasped a long time ago — you and Monroe. The only two people who know and love the real me.”

  Pausing, he brushed his lips over mine in the lightest of kisses. “I’ll do whatever it takes to show you I’m fully devoted to making this work. I won’t promise it’ll be easy, because Lord knows there’s a million people out there that will want to follow our every move, doing anything they can to break us up. But if you’re willing to give me — to give us — another shot, I promise this time, I’ll come through in the clutch.”

  His corny pun on the nickname he’d carried around since college was what did me in… not that I ever had any intention on not forgiving him. But that, that right there, was why I loved him. Because no matter how many game-winning touchdown passes he threw, or how many magazine covers he graced, or how much money he made, when it all came down to it, he was still my Colin. The guy who stole my heart in a tree house all those summers ago. The guy who I loved enough to live a hidden life for. The guy who was my one and only true love.

  “Deal,” I smirked, “but tonight, you’re playing receiver.”

  “never

  ever

  go by the

  book

  they will want

  you to,

  but you

  mustn’t.

  if the lust

  is too strong,

  tear one page

  from a hundred books

  and make your

  own way.

  there is no formula

  for life,

  no equation

  on how to be a

  human being.

  find your freedom,

  and breathe there.

  drink there.

  love there.”

  -Christopher Poindexter

  Eighteen months later

  Colin

  “DID YOU KNOW that 94% of giraffe sexual encounters are between two males?” Monroe asked as she sidled up next to me near the giraffe exhibit at the zoo, wearing a long, white sundress that made her look like an angel.

  Laughing heartily, I twisted to meet her emerald green gaze, still overwhelmed with how beautiful she looked as a bride. Much more so than the day she married me. “Is that so, Miss National Geographic?”

  “It was on Animal Planet, Mr. Smarty Pants,” she smirked up at me, her heart-shaped face glowing from the festivities, “and I’m a Mrs. now, in case you already forgot.”

  I smiled and glanced over my shoulder at where Oliver, her husband as of about thirty minutes prior, stood chatting with Seth and several other wedding guests near the shared kangaroo and emu habitat, still in somewhat disbelief that she’d actually tied the knot in the Franklin Park Zoo.

  “Excuse me, Mrs. Animal Planet,” I corrected, as I returned my attention to her, the corners of my mouth twitching with amusement. “And thank you for the random fact that I can use at my next Christians for Gay Rights rally. Surely, God must approve if he made most of the giraffes gay, right?”

  “Surely,” she smarted, bumping her elbow against mine. “Just don’t bring up their four-foot penises, because it might make them all feel inadequate. I mean, even Oliver, who’s hung like a horse, got penis-envy when he heard about that.”

  Covering my ears when she mentioned his package, I shook my head back and forth and crinkled my nose up. “No, no, no,” I sang out. “I love you to death, but there’s got to be a law that prohibits discussing the size of your new husband’s penis with your ex-husband. Even if our relationship wasn’t sexual, we just can’t.”

  “A law, huh?” She rolled her eyes and chuckled then leaned in and wrapped her thin arms around my waist. “Speaking of new spouses, do you and Seth have plans for your first anniversary?”

  Her mention of my husband of ten months triggered my focus to drop to the platinum band that encircled the ring finger of my left hand, and instinctively, a bright, proud smile spread across my face. Shortly after my coming-out press conference, Seth and I announced our relationship to the world, and although both of our parents took it well, it was safe to say his sister had not.

  Adding fuel to the already raging fire of crazy inside her, Effie completely went off the deep end and had destroyed the Mending Hearts youth home, causing enough property damage to be booked with and found guilty of a Class D Criminal Mischief felony, and was sentenced to seven years in prison.

  Thankfully, other than the usual senseless, uneducated name-calling we received on social media, Effie’s ordeal had been the worst backlash we’d had to deal with once all of the hysteria settled down. Leading the Patriots to a Super Bowl championship that year, and repeating it the next, didn’t hurt my approval rating in the city, and because Seth was such a likeable, intelligent, and charismatic person to begin with, most everyone accepted him with open arms.

  The evening of the Second Annual New England Mending Hearts Gala, where Seth and I had assisted Oliver in his extravagant proposal to Monroe, I had been inspired by the romantic gesture
, and later that night, I performed a proposal of my own. One that involved no elaborate scheme, no premeditated speech, and no ring.

  Just me and the man I loved, and my loathing of how we didn’t live together.

  I’d had enough of not waking up to his face every morning and not falling asleep wrapped in his arms, so the following Monday morning, we went down to the courthouse and made it official. Without a big announcement. Without a team press release. Without a circus of media following our every step. All we had was each other, and it couldn’t have been any better.

  “Yeah,” I finally responded, locking our eyes together so I could see her reaction to mine and Seth’s exciting news, “we’re celebrating a couple month early and leaving next week to go pick up our baby daughter in Russia.”

  “Your daughter?!” she screamed, so loud I was afraid everyone within a ten-mile radius could hear her.

  Cutting my eyes over to Seth, I saw him and Oliver already headed in our direction, and I blew out a sigh of relief. “Yes, shhh,” I hushed her, “we haven’t told anyone in case something falls through. We didn’t want to be constantly reminded of it if that happens. So please don’t be upset with us.”

  Monroe stood with her arms crossed over her chest and her mouth gaping open, when Oliver slid in behind her, locking his fingers around her center. “Hey, Rizzo, babe, what are you making all this racket about over here?”

  “Colin and Seth are adopting a daughter from Russia next week and they didn’t even tell us,” she hissed under her breath. “We’re gonna be godparents, and we haven’t done anything to prepare! We must go shopping immediately! We have to set up a nursery! We need food and clothes and diapers! Oh, my God, I don’t even know how old she is or what her name is!”