Hard Fall

by Brenda Rothert

  “All right, let’s see some hustle, you guys!” I called out as we headed down the tunnel toward the ice for the warm-up. “Let’s go!”

  I felt a tiny spark of excitement as my feet hit the ice but as I looked around and realized Ben wasn’t there, the unexpected wave of grief made me stumble.

  Fuck.

  This wasn’t going to go well at all.

  And it didn’t.

  We didn’t just lose, we lost spectacularly. 8–0. Our winning streak was over and we were a dejected lot as we filed back into the locker room. The press was waiting for us and even though it was a shitty thing to do, I ducked out and hit the shower, leaving it to Nash and the others. I felt like a coward, but I snuck out when I finished dressing and headed home. Maybe in a few days I’d be able to handle it all, but the idea of being asked about Ben and bursting into tears on camera was more than I could stand.

  I let myself in through the garage and went in search of my teammate’s wife, Nina Laughlin. She’d offered to help me out this week until Hadley got here, and I found her reading a magazine on the living room couch. She looked up as I came in and gave me a knowing smile.

  “Rough night, huh?”

  “Yeah.” I sighed. “How are the kids?”

  “They’re in bed. I had to read Annalise six bedtime stories and lay with her until she fell asleep. Benny’s been down since eight so he’ll probably be up again at midnight.”

  “Yeah.” I gave her a weak, but grateful, smile. “Thanks again for doing this tonight.”

  “Lauren was my best friend here in St. Louis. She’d kill me if I weren’t here for you and the kids.”

  “Well, I appreciate it.”

  “Okay, so a couple things we need to discuss.” She paused. “There’s only enough breast milk left for about two days. Lauren was planning to start weaning him soon, so she hadn’t been pumping as much.”

  “Seriously?” I’d been so focused on getting through this week, I hadn’t paid attention to how much was in the freezer. “That’s just great. I guess now I need to grow breasts?”

  She chuckled but it was without humor. “No, but you’re going to have to transition him to formula. He’s used to the bottle, thank goodness, so it’ll just be a matter of finding the right formula that doesn’t upset his stomach. I have suggestions, but you might want to call the pediatrician…”

  “Jesus.” I could change diapers, brush Annalise’s hair, and give both kids baths, but I had no idea about that kind of thing. Formula and feeding and freakin’ breast milk. This was a nightmare.

  “I know it’s hard,” she said softly. “But Hadley will be back soon and I’m here. We’ve got your back. Me, Drew, the team, the rest of the WAGs. All you have to do is call.” Her husband Drew was our starting goalie.

  I was grateful for her and the others, but I wasn’t ready to let go of the fantasy that Ben and Lauren were coming back. That this had been nothing but a bad dream.

  Because I really, really wanted to wake up.

  Chapter Four

  Hadley

  Coffee. Coffee would make everything better.

  I kept telling myself that as I changed Benny out of his wet sleeper, putting him in a dry diaper and a clean outfit before feeding him a bottle, all while answering Annalise’s nonstop questions about what her parents were up to in heaven this morning.

  I’d gotten back to St. Louis yesterday evening after packing up my entire apartment, working day and night while I was there and only catching a few hours of sleep a day. I sold most of my furniture, moved a few things into a friend’s garage for storage, and then drove back here in Ben’s Cadillac Escalade, which I’d taken to New York so I could fill it with my belongings for the trip back.

  Every day since Ben and Lauren died had been exhausting and emotional. I wasn’t just leaving my apartment behind when I’d pulled into the driveway of their posh suburban St. Louis home yesterday, but my life. Not a single day had passed since their deaths when I didn’t cry and wonder if I could really do this. If I could really live this new life. My boss had reluctantly agreed to let me work remotely for now, but seriously…work? Even if I could find the time in between caring for two living humans, how would I sort through pitches from writers about doing your own manicures or decluttering your life? I had no focus and I was exhausted.

  “Is there dancing in heaven?” Annalise asked me as we walked into the kitchen and I put Benny in his high chair, buckling his seat belt and putting a couple of toys on the tray for him.

  “Absolutely. Dancing anytime you want, and singing, too.”

  “Anytime?” Annalise smiled gleefully.

  “Anytime.”

  “After bedtime?”

  “Yes.” I smoothed a hand down her dark curls. “You can get out of bed and dance in heaven if you want to, and you can turn the music up as loud as you want.”

  “Are Mommy and Daddy dancing?”

  I made my way over to the coffeepot, thinking about how Ben and Lauren loved to dance. I scooped coffee grounds into a filter, closed the lid and pushed the lifesaving On button.

  “I’m sure they are. Your mommy loved dancing.” A wave of sadness washed over me as the memories flashed through my mind, but I didn’t let it show. “Remind me to show you their wedding video of their first dance after they got married. It was very romantic.”

  “What’s womantic, Aunt Hadley?”

  Wes strode into the kitchen, wearing nothing but a pair of black boxer briefs, his hair sticking up in every direction. He was all long lines and carved muscles, and even though I couldn’t stand him most of the time, I had to force myself to look away. I couldn’t get busted checking Wes out. He’d never let me live it down.

  “Morning,” he said, scratching his ass as he opened the refrigerator and looked inside.

  Cringing, I said, “It’s basically everything that is the opposite of Uncle Wes.”

  “What?” he asked, looking from me to Annalise.

  “Nothing,” I muttered. “And can you please put on some clothes?”

  He looked down and then back up at me. “I’ve got underwear on. I’m just grabbing something quick for breakfast before I get in the shower and leave for my road trip.”

  His road trip. I was still pissed about that. Not only was he leaving for the next four nights, but he’d insisted that his body required a good night of sleep and retreated to the guest room last night, leaving me to care for both kids when I could barely keep my eyes open. Benny was teething and he was fussy, so it had been a long night.

  “I want Froot Woops, Uncle Wes!” Annalise cried, racing over to him as he pulled a giant red box from one of the kitchen cabinets.

  “You got it,” he said, passing her the box. “You take this and I’ll get us some bowls and spoons.”

  It took me a second to pick my jaw up off the floor and form a coherent sentence in response to what I was seeing.

  “There’s no way you found that box of Froot Loops in one of Lauren’s cabinets,” I said, shaking my head.

  “Me and Annalise went shopping while you were gone,” he responded, setting a gallon of milk on the table and walking over to another cabinet to get bowls.

  “But…Lauren feeds…” I closed my eyes and corrected myself. “She fed the kids an organic diet without added sugars. She pureed and canned her own baby food.”

  Wes shrugged. “I fed the bananas and peas to Benny like I was supposed to, but Annalise and I had to eat, too. Did you want us to starve or should we start eating baby food too?”

  “That stuff is nothing but sugar and dye.”

  “Dye?” Annalise gave me a panicked look. “Like Mommy and Daddy?”

  Dammit. Why didn’t I think before I used that word?

  “No, baby,” I said, bending down so I was at her level. “It means something that makes the Froot Loops have colors.”

  Annalise immediately perked up and said, “I like the purple ones!”

  I gave Wes a dirty look and said, “
Now I’m the bad guy if I don’t let her eat it.”

  “So let her eat it.” He met my gaze, sounding aggravated.

  “When are you leaving?”

  “After I eat and take a shower.”

  “When you guys went grocery shopping, did you get a snack to take for Annalise’s preschool class? Lauren’s calendar in the pantry says today is her day to bring a snack for her class. Twelve kids.”

  “I’m the snacker?” Annalise asked, looking pleased. “I love being the snacker.”

  “I didn’t even look at the calendar,” Wes said, sounding unconcerned.

  “Of course you didn’t,” I muttered under my breath.

  “Hey, Captain Critical, I held down the fort while you were gone for four days. The kids got fed and we played and they’re…pretty much clean.”

  “I took a bath in my swimsuit, Aunt Hadley!” Annalise said, grinning. “Uncle Wes said it’s not approliate for him to see me naked.”

  “It’s appropriate, squirt,” Wes said, helping her pour Froot Loops into her bowl.

  “Don’t even think about letting Benny try that stuff,” I warned Wes. “I’m going to make his oatmeal.”

  Benny was fussing a little bit, and I hoped eating breakfast would help. I went into the pantry and found the baby cereal I’d seen Lauren feeding him when I was visiting for Christmas, and mixed it with some of what little breast milk we had left in the fridge.

  It was the small things that broke me, like running out of breast milk. The last thing Lauren had been able to do for her baby boy in this life was almost gone.

  I mixed the cereal and warmed it in the microwave for about fifteen seconds, relieved that I’d seen Lauren prepare this for him before. Otherwise I wouldn’t have had a clue what I was doing. I was walking it over to the table to sit down next to Benny’s high chair when I remembered I’d forgotten to bring a wet cloth to clean him up afterward.

  I went back to the kitchen sink to get one, and Annalise said, “Hey, Aunt Hadley?”

  “What, baby?” I asked, turning around to look at her.

  “I think Benny just shit himself. He’s stinky.”

  My mouth dropped open in shock and my gaze zeroed in on Wes.

  “Are you kidding me? You’ve been using language like that in front of her? Because I know Ben and Lauren never did.”

  He looked a little sheepish as he said, “Yeah, that’s definitely my fault. I’m working on it.”

  I was seething inside, but I didn’t want to upset the kids, so I pressed my lips together and counted to ten. When Wes and I could have a private conversation, I was going to show him how many foul words I knew.

  He was treating this whole situation in his usual carefree frat boy manner. Seven years and nothing had changed. Just going with the flow and merging the kids with the way he did things instead of doing things the way Ben and Lauren would have wanted. He’d be teaching the kids poker and how to pop the tops off beer bottles next.

  It wasn’t even a contest—I was the one who should have full guardianship of Annalise and Benny. And in order to keep my job, I’d need to move them to New York. I didn’t want to upset their routines by doing it now, but I knew it was what the future held.

  “I’m hitting the shower,” Wes said, getting up from the table and setting his cereal bowl on the kitchen counter, spoon still inside.

  Great. So I’d be the one changing Benny’s diaper. Wes could have at least offered his help. I’d take care of anything for the kids without objection, but that bowl and spoon would still be sitting on the counter when Wes returned in four days. There wasn’t a chance in hell I was cleaning up after him.

  Nina Laughlin laughed from the other end of the phone.

  “Are you sure about that? Getting groceries is enough of a chore without a three-year-old and an infant in tow. Why don’t you let me come over and watch them so you can take a break? Well, as much of a break as you’ll get while grocery shopping.”

  “I appreciate it, really, but Benny and I are already packed and on the way. We’re picking Annalise up from preschool and then going to get groceries.”

  Nina had traded cell numbers with me after the news hit that Wes and I were getting custody of the kids, telling me I could call her anytime, day or night, for anything at all. She called me daily to check in, and so far, she was my first adult conversation of the day.

  Well, I guess there’d been the one with Wes this morning, but he was only about three-quarters of an adult.

  “Did they tell you how the pickup line at the preschool works?” she asked. “You don’t have to go inside and sign her out. Just stay in the car and enter the line through the circular drive-through and they’ll walk her out for you.”

  “No, I didn’t know that, but thanks. That’ll help because Benny’s about to fall asleep.”

  I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw his round cheeks and tuft of dark hair reflected in the mirror Lauren had attached to end of Benny’s rear-facing car seat. Genius.

  “It sucks dragging a baby carrier into the school so you can pick up another kid, especially in the cold,” Nina said.

  She and her husband Drew had two kids who were eight and ten. It was great to have help from an experienced mom, and even better, one who had been a good friend of Lauren’s.

  “I did that this morning, and it did suck,” I said, laughing. “Annalise is the snacker today and I bought fancy cupcakes from a bakery. I was worried she couldn’t handle her backpack and the cupcakes so I carried them in.”

  Nina gave a little hum of concern. “Shoot, I should have told you the school doesn’t allow any baked goods unless they’re certified free of tree nuts and peanuts.”

  “Oh shit, really?” I cringed as I realized what I said and apologized. “Sorry, language.”

  She laughed. “Don’t you worry about a thing. My husband has the mouth of a sailor, and I usually do, too. I was trying to keep it in check because I didn’t know how you felt about it.”

  I felt slightly chastised. I’d just gotten onto Wes this morning for something I did myself. But I would definitely say it was different to swear around a baby, who couldn’t understand what I was saying. At least, I hoped so.

  “I’m going to have to learn to watch my language in front of the kids,” I told Nina.

  “Well, you’re doing your best, so go easy on yourself. The school keeps extra snacks on hand in case someone forgets to bring something in, so don’t worry about that.”

  “That’s good, but Annalise was really excited about those Baby Yoda cupcakes.”

  “You guys will be able to take them home, though. Why don’t I bring over dinner and a bottle of wine tonight? Cupcakes and a glass of wine can be our dessert. And if you need to take a shower or anything, I can mind the kids.”

  I smiled. “That sounds really nice, thank you.”

  “No problem. And are you sure you want to take the kiddos to the store? You’re welcome to bring them over to my house.”

  “Nah, I’ve got it. I get groceries all the time. How hard can it be to bring them with me and have them ride in the cart?”

  It was hard. Really fucking hard.

  I hadn’t realized that with Benny’s carrier seat inside the cart and Annalise sitting in the front of the cart, I’d have no room for groceries. I had to let Annalise walk beside me, and she stopped to either ask a question about or grab every other thing she saw.

  Benny spit up all over himself as I was haphazardly adding items into the cart.

  “Is this fucking organic or not?” I said under my breath, straining to read the fine print on a box of baby crackers.

  Fuck it. Benny was sitting in his own puke and I needed to get home and clean him up. I threw the box in the cart and headed for the checkout, where I discovered, after everything had been rung up, that I’d left my wallet in the car.

  I took both kids outside with me to get it and trekked back inside to pay, sweating like I’d just completed a hardcore SoulCycle spin cla
ss. I glanced up at the cashier, who kindly took pity on me, and told me I could pull the car up to the front entrance and they would load the groceries for me.

  By the time I got home, gave Benny a quick rinse and changed his clothes, fed him and got him down for a nap, I was dead on my feet. And I still had to make time to play with Annalise. I practically tore the door down when Nina arrived around five, carrying a family-sized take-out meal from an Italian restaurant. There was lasagna, spaghetti, salad and garlic bread.

  “Is that your stomach?” she asked, giving me an amused grin when my stomach growled in response to the heavenly scents of garlic and meat sauce.

  “I haven’t eaten all day,” I admitted.

  “Oh, honey.” She gave me a sympathetic look. “Make yourself a plate. I’ll feed the kids.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m positive.”

  She stayed for the evening, feeding both kids and giving them baths, then reading to Annalise and putting her to bed while I focused on Benny. Then we talked over wine and what was left of the Baby Yoda cupcakes.

  Wes texted after his game to check in, and I felt guilty as I texted him back that everything was fine. I’d jumped all over him about the Froot Loops this morning and then let Annalise eat two and a half cupcakes tonight.

  How had Lauren done it all? I wanted so badly to raise her kids the way she would have, with healthy food and wholesome activities, but so far, just meeting their basic needs was taking everything I had.

  Chapter Five

  Wes

  Another day, another loss. We’d lost every game since Ben died and I was grumpy as fuck as I headed home. The good news was that this had been the last game before the All-Star break, so I’d have a little time to actually breathe. Maybe even grieve. The bad news was that it meant twenty-four seven with Hadley, something I wasn’t particularly looking forward to. We’d barely seen each other since she’d moved in, but she was already bossy and judgmental, as if I’d scarred the kids for life or something.