Desensitizer

by Kaero Davis

  But while we’re at it why don’t we just fuck this grouchy attitude off? No point getting the shits is there? if it ain’t going right – you can’t just storm off cursing – you face it, and you fix the fucking thing…

  Now let’s go…” – Vedtte.

  Gear Grind

  We Rise, We Fall,

  Succumb to the crawl,

  Incapable – Unstable,

  Mood swings perpetual,

  No – I’m sorry – We don’t just stop,

  No – I’m sorry – We don’t just turn it off,

  No – We can’t – We won’t just quit

  So you can shove your power-trips

  And all your bullshit,

  You have got a lot to learn,

  Respect is only ever earnt,

  So what’s your real problem – what’s the concern?

  Treat ME with respect and I will return,

  N0 – I’m sorry – We don’t just stop,

  No – I’m sorry – We can’t just turn it off,

  No – Get fucked – like fuck we’ll quit,

  You can shove your power-trips

  And all your bullshit.

  Exit Scenario

  “Are we there yet? Shit, Still no forward motion? What’s with you? Keep to the goddamn program, stick to the plan. You’ve been with me all along – it’s far too late to say you don’t know me anymore now – sheeshush..fusdake…

  Talk about a bum-steer…

  It grinds my fucking gears…” – Vedtte.

  Enter Scenario

  “I can’t fuckin’ believe you’re doing this to me!” I screamed.

  “We’re not doing anything,”

  “Yes you fucking are! And when I call you cunts out on it you’s all fuckin’ deny it, call me crazy and send me to the fucking looney bin!”

  “You’re being paranoid!”

  “YOU’RE ALL CUNTS! I know what you’re doing and you won’t get away with this,”

  “I think you need to calm down so we can all talk about this”

  “Oh you wanna talk? Then there’s a first HA! The fact that you seem to want to deal with it comes as a complete surprise – cause normally you’re all like ‘it’s not my problem’ and I’m not dealing with it – then you fuckin’ send it off on to some other poor bastard.”

  I followed on;

  “You think I’m gutless – but I have to face my fuckin’ shit and that’s the fuckin’ mess you made of me, always tellin’ me to fuckin’ change my attitude –think before I speak, respect people – clean my act up – but you know what? I’m not the fuckin’ problem and I’ve never been. It’s always been that you fuckers are jealous, can’t face your own bullshit and take it all out on me!”

  They stood there silent but scowling all the time at me.

  “You cunts are jealous of me for being on a pension and never being able to work. Did you know it were you who fucked me up in the first place? Did you know that you all bullied me to that critical fight or flight point? You’ll never accept that I was the way I was because like you always said to me – you never take responsibility. Whatever you don’t like in me was simply a reflection of yourself. And you didn’t even like that. I just gotta say that – I learned from the best. And all of you, you’re in your own class of stupidity. Far, far worse than you thought that I was – I’ve got common sense and I took far more in than you meant me to.”

  “I think you had better just gather your things together and move out. You’re not happy here – why not go? Just go…”

  Going, Going, Gone

  I’m being pushed as far as I can stretch,

  Wrung dry at a rapid wretch,

  Sanity’s sailing and I must fetch,

  This sweating bullets has got me drenched,

  I feel I can’t take anymore abuse,

  They all look like they’re amused,

  Beat me, defeat me, and leave me confused,

  And never give a good excuse,

  I’ve begun showing signs,

  Of losing my rational mind,

  Lock me up and leave me behind,

  In a padded cell for all time,

  I’ve been sent beyond,

  Sickened, twisted, corrupted of wrong,

  And now I must say so long,

  My mind is – going, going, gone,

  Where do I go?

  How will I know?

  What should I show?

  When will I grow?

  What will happen to me now?

  Letting go is hard somehow,

  I finally forfeit and submit to bow,

  They’ve succeeded in beating me down,

  I’ve begun showing signs,

  Of losing my rational mind,

  Lock me up and leave me behind,

  In a padded cell for all time,

  I’ve been sent beyond,

  Sickened, twisted, corrupted of wrong,

  And now I must say so long,

  My mind is – going, going, gone,

  Exit Scenario

  “I had walked to my bedroom and pulled the door shut behind me. I sat on the bed and covered my face in my hands and I cried. I was at first pissed off but calmed then strangely went the other way. No one had my back, they stood up for each other, yet I was completely alone. Empty, as though I were drained and lost all hope. I felt my hope was drained of me and I felt as though I could never truly be happy again. Insatiable. Always needing more – not necessarily wanting but needing more than I ever dreamed. Recognition as a human, that has feelings and wants something to do with someone. To mean something to someone and feel important. But it was after this last episode that I really did embark on a new path – my well awaited journey. Sent wandering off into the path broken, insecure, uncertain and fragile. And never feeling true innocent happiness – never clean nor pure quite ever the same again.” – Ruek.

  Enter Scenario

  “Man can be as vicious as wolves. Fighting the pecking order for the alpha rank, but it’s still dog eat dog. Dogs are man’s best friend so you think an alpha is the one to trust. There’s always someone better and it’s all a matter of time – but you just hope that when that time comes you can put up a good enough fight to keep what territory is yours – AND your reputation. In a world such as this, honour is law – and things happen where it’s on the line and its’ high stakes, all or nothing. You’ve gotta take charge and really get up into it. Go hard or walk on home. And an honourable act never goes unnoticed, and so neither does dishonour. Run wild, run free but never take the opportunity to harm any man unless he dishonoured you and you’re prepared to extinguish him, his name – his blood. Don’t play if you can’t hold your own, look away and mind your own business. Law means nothing to the savage within and suits only those who fail to gain power by physical means but rather be far more educated and with inferior complexities. Do what you do well – and live free without regrets – and if you can’t, then, own it from another perspective, perceive it all in another way so that you won’t have to change too much of you to adapt to them, or their territory. Be aware of any consequences and counter them the best you can long enough to find a way to recompense – or else that someone with a grudge for retribution will soon be knocking on your door. Karma has no deadline – that, you can be certain, whether it be 20 years or even 60 years away. Someone said; exercise the beast, not exorcise. I took that to mean that you train that motherfuckin’ beast within you so you don’t slip, train and relieve that inner beast inside so you can have a more glorified self-control. Make it yours and own it.

  My brother is my keeper as I am his and my loyalty shall remain sturdy so long as there lives no betrayal. I am my brothers’ keeper and such confessions taken to me will remain solely confidential – guarding his memory ’til I take it to my grave.
Let there be solitude in the silence. Bless you all…” – Zarkyl.

  Hellhounds All

  The wind whips and whistles around,

  The storm approaching soaking the ground,

  Keep to the code – brotherhood bound,

  Blood is thick amongst hell hounds,

  Flesh of man feeds hunger lust,

  The book of law is ash and dust,

  Fangs and claws for fatal thrust,

  The moment ears prick at distrust,

  Ideally escape thoughts become disposed,

  As the wolves ambush draws to a close,

  The objective of fear be imposed,

  No mercy spared infecting woes,

  Wild and free untamed savage,

  Impulsive scavenger ready to ravage,

  Better succession hunting in pack,

  Cleverly coordinating a cunning attack,

  Spirits are passed through all bloodlines,

  Loyalty is rarely undermined,

  Withstanding the test of ages in time,

  Upholding the bonding brotherhood bind,

  Exit Scenario

  “It’s a primal part of the brain that gets the hit of blood and is soon found to have a want for the taste. The more it fights, the more one is bound to learn quick or get their arse kicked every-time. Justice prevails when there has been a successfully negotiated terms on consequences to fit the crimes. The world isn’t how it used to be. At some point when someone hits their quest for the search for power – whether it be even just among friends (for the alpha) or the neighbours – there is going to be a winner and then someone who’s bound to come second-best. Within the work-place, dealing with family – everybody has a place but, but what needs to be reminded is that everyone is important, it takes everybody playing a particular part that influences another in some way. A lot of people are doing just what they want without the regard for people they hurt in the process. Not enough is being said in the terms of old virtues, values, morals, and etcetera. We’ve become lazy and inconsiderate and, on some occasions, – some of us have a powerful social standing yet display poor, disgusting behaviour. No one is any the wiser and why? Because people have stopped asking for a reason why – and in turn forget that it is often important for us to understand the why, the reason. And a lot of us just don’t even think to ask anymore. Fair enough – some things are just forbidden to do – but how on earth can you even just assume that ‘common sense’ is a ‘common knowledge’ – I reckon that’s an area we’re going wrong in – no similar wave length of understanding, because not everyone has had the same or similar experiences as us and no one can know for sure how it affects everyone else. People each have different pain tolerances for one – and others have different levels of tolerances before they cross a threshold into a zone of ‘discomfort.’ Some of them just want to do what they want and forget about the consequences – forget about taking responsibility – and then want to bitch about everything becoming a disaster, where’s the sense in that? Are people only doing it so that they have a reason to whinge about something – not necessarily whinging about the thing that’s most important but bitch about something far more trivial. For a time, I myself said there is no such thing as a brothers’ keeper – because humanity had disappointed me – having felt betrayed – but the world was young to me even when it was teaching me something – and somehow, I felt I either had to ask someone else, or – modify whatever question it was I had to ask to get the question I know I really wanted. I had to think again about what it was I really wanted to know and then ask for the answers I wanted by another means. And upon that revelation – it became apparent to me there is most definitely an error in communication between people no matter where you go or who or how you ask. It became clearer to me that where people might need a little re-educating – I might need to be that middle-man, I might just have that power to interpret to someone the information they’re asking in a way they’d understand depending on how vague the intel is they’re getting it from. I can see the world needs a solution, and I might say I’d like to be a part of that – and lead by example.” – Zarkyl.

  Enter Scenario

  “A paranoid man never really got caught out until virtually mid-way through an operation or later – if, he’s careful. If he’s calm and cool a good lot of the way, from the start – the longer he’ll last, the longer he’s free. One could live an entire life of crime and never be caught – and why? Because he is a charmer and is one within the shadows. He doesn’t draw the attention of others and can slip away, disappear almost instantly. Paranoia – when used to its full extents, and with cunning agility – masterfully – will always put you a step ahead of everybody else, if you train and refine it right. If you listen and are calm enough to think clearly and swiftly. Use it like you would follow your intuition, let it be a compelling force to cover your tracks. Don’t draw attention to yourself and don’t give any one any reason to believe you’re up to something. Never leave room open for chances that might rouse suspicion. Act on your intuition and utilize the paranoia constructively. Strategize and set barriers where need be, an occasional distance from others, even traps. Distract people of any compromising, condemning thoughts, evade them wherever, whenever possible. In Paranoia, We Act…” – Chukraveez.

  In Paranoia, We Act

  Desperate, drastic,

  Fist spastic,

  Pissed, erratic,

  Dominant, static,

  Paranoid, ballistic,

  Initiate blitzkrieg,

  Blackened-void, history,

  Orchestrate mystery,

  The step ahead of everybody else,

  The barriers built to protect thineself,

  The fear that love is an eviscerating hell,

  The comfort in that violence and hate repels,

  Broken, busted,

  Done and dusted,

  A forever’s disaster,

  Chaos comes clustered,

  Paranoid, ballistic,

  Initiate blitzkrieg,

  Blackened-void, history,

  Orchestrated mystery,

  The step ahead of everyone else,

  The barriers built to reject thineself,

  At the core a jealousy curiously compels,

  Something bought that the devil sells…

  Exit Scenario

  “It could all go wrong if you’re not too properly prepared and meticulous. It’ll all come back to smack you in the face if you make a single miscalculation, a simple mistake. Keep your defences up because you never know when your ‘intuition’ will serve you right. In paranoia, we act. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’ll want to be close to someone but just you be careful if you do. Have trust where you need but still be on alert for something – anything strange, out of the ordinary, bizarre. Some situations can be a real bomb that if not diffused with the right sensitivity – can explode and take a fair share more than you’d bargained for. Awareness is a good key to exercise along-side ‘paranoia,’ think of it like a good game of chess. Think those 3-5 extra steps ahead and strategize your plan of attack well. Prepare for anything. Watch, listen and be aware, aware and prepared.” – Chukraveez.

  Enter Scenario

  “Some have said the eyes are the windows to the soul. But we all know there’s varying depths to what one may perceive of another. Eyes are somewhat mysterious – and the less we know about others – the more wildly we hastily jump to nasty assumptions – and whereupon misunderstand the tones chosen to communicate between two people and an even more unfortunate misunderstanding of the formation of words exchanged – the situation far less desirable to inhabit – where a discomfort shrouds around the two engaging in communication. Soon enough neither of the two can handle communicating with the other and things can take an erratic turn for the worst. Later, both will ask themselves what the fuck just happened? Well
– a belligerent ignorance settled in over both parties – and blinded by each their own ignorance, fire up quick and would’ve soon blown each other away had they both possessed ballistic weapons. If you have a want for or need to know specific details of a precise interest – quickly cogitate over how to ask to get the most direct and appropriate result you’re chasing – if there is an error in the details, something went awry – and before you lose your cool just stop. Contemplate further and plot your words well because a great deal of argument begins with misinterpretation. And a good way to tell for an alarming activity on the rise is by looking to their eyes, on occasion you can predict their moves with their gaze – you might even find you can see there is something going on behind those eyes – as if they’re plotting mutiny – or not. You might know when someone is lying to you and hiding something. Eye’s don’t lie. The people who own them do and if you’re good, you can read them through their eyes. you could tell whether they’re trustworthy or not – to be able to have your back turned to them and know they won’t shiv you the first chance they get.” – Zoukaa.

  Iron Blue Eyes

  Is it a curse to see the hidden?

  To push further past the forbidden?

  To know and see through all lies,

  The ache within, iron blue eyes,

  The eyes are windows into the soul,

  Some are empty, ruthless, cold;