Desensitizer

by Kaero Davis

  Enter Scenario

  “You can’t accept there’s a God without accepting there’s an anti-God or ‘Devil.’ You can’t accept light without the dark and you can’t accept love without accepting fear and hate. The Chinese have it right with the Yin & Yang – they use both as a whole, that one can’t interact without the other, and nothing can exist without its’ opposite – they work together, synchronicity – male and female, masculine and feminine. I don’t often do anything without having contemplated all scenarios and consequences myself. For whatever action I take I will receive an equal and opposite reaction and there’s many various ways of saying it, integrating it. I like to have my cake and eat it too – a lot of people do, and one would generally think that you can’t – but it’s a matter of perspective, you can either see things one way – or, in a multitude of ways. And there are many. But you can decide on making whatever you do work for you – sure there are repercussions for doing things out of the ordinary but, you can use even that to your advantage if you can think on it appropriately. I find a lot of the time I can easily justify a balance, and have it work for me. As I said it’s all in how you can choose to perceive it – the way you choose to see how whatever outcome arises over the actions you’ve chosen to follow. As a matter of fact – I’ve been wily enough to have justified something I haven’t even yet done. And after good thought – I make my choice – whether big or small. But no matter what it is – I accept all that I do and even accept the universal reaction. Yes, I put a lot of thought into what I do, and I’m very rarely surprised at what comes my way, I’m prepared. Even when it may appear a complete surprise.” – Rah-liel.

  Justifying Balance

  My Demons seem to tempt me easier than yours tempt you,

  And a prophesised place in hell for me is coming true,

  I admit I freely choose to comply with the lie each time,

  And I expect they know I’m coming to hell, when it’s my time to die,

  Well, I say God speed when it comes to chasing fun,

  Just cover your tracks enough that you can’t come undone,

  Sin all day but pray before you slumber,

  For when Gods’ wrath comes, you’ll tremble under thunder,

  I may be bold to say I assume we think alike,

  And if I’m correct then consider this;

  The Devil himself is a rarely seen sight,

  And rarer yet so still, that hand-shake of his,

  And for when your mood may change its’ course,

  Feeling guilt for the sin? – show remorse,

  But you’ve got to mean the prayer by purest of sincerity,

  Beg and forgive each trespass and you’ll receive serenity,

  You see there is no light without the dark,

  Man doesn’t share love without a little hate in his heart,

  Sanity wouldn’t know its’ bounds without a little madness,

  And being bad feels really good, when the saintly reveal their darkness

  Humanity is caught in a cross-fire between something bigger than us,

  Life is a kind of roller coaster ride with not just its’ downs and ups,

  Exit Scenario

  “No…I never do anything without a good lot of preparatory thought before it. Premeditated thought. Even when it seems I might be acting on impulse in front of other people – chances are I’ve already thought about it before and decided on it anyway. And sometimes, just sometimes – everything goes to plan, or at least, I do receive a favourable result. But again, no matter what it is – you can choose to view whatever outcome in whatever way you see fit, and it might be positive and optimistic or it might very well be negative and pessimistic – even cynical. It’s all in the mind, and you have the power to choose how to see it even if you feel you don’t have much of a choice at all, and where you might feel you’ve been given a raw ordeal. And remember there’s always an equal and opposite reaction to your actions and you can decide to either let it benefit you or not, accept it and move forward or fight it and falter. But the choice is always there.” – Rah-liel.

  Enter Scenario

  “Excuse me? Can I help you in here?”

  “Shit! you fuckin’ startled me man!”

  “Sorry – but I saw what you did just now,”

  “I didn’t do anything!”

  “Fuck off you didn’t, look I know you’re me Cuz ’n all but if the missus finds out you fuckin’ just took that – man, she’s gonna be fuckin’ pissed – so please, can ya do me a solid and replace it where it was?”

  “Oh shit, yeah – sorry dude, yeah sorry,”

  (He placed it back down on the dresser and passed me through the doorway out of our bedroom. Fuckin’ bastard – she would’ve ripped it right up me had she found out, I thought to myself. Fuck it – I’m going write a poem about him from his perspective – and then I’ll show it to him, see what he thinks.)

  Kleptomaniac

  My brain misfires,

  I take what I admire,

  I’m a compulsive liar,

  AND I’ll always deny it,

  There’s no stopping me,

  I take what I can see,

  No matter what it means,

  And if you saw I’ll disagree,

  Oh – I’m sly as I steal,

  Always got my eyes peeled,

  With a greed I need to fill,

  I pocket and conceal,

  And I’m gone before you know it,

  My cunning never blows it,

  My assorted collection shows it,

  And if I’m exposed then, I’ll dispose it,

  Yeah – I’m a Kleptomaniac,

  You’ll never see me give it back,

  Outwitting in my shadow tact,

  You’ll all soon be jacked,

  Yeah – my brain misfires,

  I should maybe be rewired,

  Cause I’ll always take what I admire,

  And fulfil my urgent desire,

  Exit Scenario

  “Oi, Jake, come ’ere a minute – got somethin’ I’d like ta give ya –”

  “Yeah, sure, what is it?”

  “A little jig I wrote about you after we last hung out, here man – read this,”

  (I handed him the bit of paper and he sat down sprawling out into a beanbag and began to read it taking some time)

  “I fuckin’ am NOT! You bastard – I don’t lie and I don’t fuckin’ steal!”

  “I saw you do it just the other day, and you’re lying to me about it right now, don’t get cranky cause I’ve called you out on it – you’ve been doing it your entire life, and everybody knows – remember when we were kid’s – you used to always laugh and joke around sayin’ ya found all this cool new shit?”

  “Yeah but I did find it –”

  “You lying shit – you stole it and you know it, I used to always be jealous of you because I knew if I did it, my folks would smack my arse ’til it bled.”

  “Well, maybe I do but look, I’m sorry and I’m not gonna do it again if I can help it – I’ll try and be aware of myself and just stop if I catch myself doing it again.”

  “Cool…Okay…Because I was almost gonna say Cuz – I think you need help man – if you’re not realizin’ you’re doin’ it – then you would’ve had to get some help mate…”

  Enter Scenario

  “Mine was a cursed life. Even as I was alive, I would give and give and give and be used by all who would manipulate all the good energy from me and stress me out in between. I always gave my proper real self and a good lot of me – but do you think I ever felt any real genuine return of it? It’s not a complaint when you’re sick to the stomach of all of the sucking and draining and control drama. Sometimes you need to vent. But it’s never any good really getting it out then and there in the centre of a heated d
iscussion – and this was a hard lesson for me to learn – having made that mistake repeatedly – there was something else I got from that but more on it later. It only really infuriated the situation worse. And I found that keeping it locked up inside and learning to live inside my own head was beneficial in so many various ways. And I would soon again find some minimal amount of peace. But somehow just THAT wasn’t enough. I cursed every name I had had an inconvenient sour situation – every monotonous moment, and I cursed every day that happened. It all became too much and too often that I never had anything to be the least bit satisfied. I was often conflicted and at war with the world and when not with the world – with myself for allowing the shit to get to me in the first place. But I still let it all get to me. It wasn’t easy for me to learn from it – I wasn’t aware of the mistakes I was making - and everything was chaos. I died hating and despising and loathing a good lot of people in this world and a mass majority of them I never knew say but for those I’d counted by the certainty of their personality – categorised round a certain attitude…” – Arrathenahk.

  Living Still As I Decay

  I, for so long, have shunned and cursed the world,

  Angered beyond sickening so, my insides have curled,

  Immensely distraught that tears ran as hard as pearls,

  Could’ve slaughtered thousands with the piercing glare I’ve hurled,

  I am but forced to the dark corners of the earth,

  For all the love I gave, was returned to me as hurt,

  But now my main purpose, is to solely serve,

  Fear and horrendous dread to those whom most deserve,

  I write this night, to foretell; of what it is I feel,

  As something deep inside I yield does steadily build,

  That choirs of screams and shrieking cries so shrill,

  Will slake and sate each of my desirous thrills,

  Many fear to tread where I often freely roam,

  Madness is tightly bonded through to my bones,

  The hatred in my heart weighs as heavily as stone,

  Cursed to one day walk the earth, deathless and alone,

  I might say my future is still yet to be determined,

  That I might one day rise again to obliterate the vermin,

  After all my years of yearning for the tables over turning,

  And anticipation burning to embark on an ordained journey,

  But when or if I do return I may not have control,

  That’s entirely contingent on with whom I’ve bargained my soul,

  And it could mean I may end up a’tread upon hot coals,

  But that’s the gamble I’ll take scheming up my goals,

  Betwixt obscured space and time, the striation I blazon is grey,

  Amidst impure grace I’ll pine, living still as I decay.

  Exit Scenario

  “A deadly man might be one with every reason to hate a man without knowing who he is but rather based on his social participation, character, morale, personality – attitude, clique or cliché… people say I use the word cliché in the wrong context from time to time but no, I use it for the appropriate way I intend on using it – a lot of people say that I’m weird or strange, just out of the way that I might say something in its’ bizarre formulation of words you wouldn’t normally see or use together…and even saying that sounds strange. But the point was that for all the cursing and negative, dark energy I gave – it came back around on me and cursed me as much as my intent was on the world. What am I to do but follow the cycle – I’m choosing not to make those same mistakes and I’m doing something about it now. I’m taking charge – I’m reaping what I sow, and I’m going debt collecting. I’m paying them the price, the ultimate price when I catch up with them. I bargained my soul for this as much as I distaste it – it is my eternal curse to bear, wreaking havoc and dismay – living still as I decay…” – Arrathenahk.

  Enter Scenario

  “Look, you seem like a nice feller and all, but you should probably turn away – I could give you just one example of the least of my troubles – and you wouldn’t sleep for a month.”

  “Is it that bad?”

  “Well, I’m the kind of guy that doesn’t say what he doesn’t mean, and I don’t care for drama so I never really exaggerate.”

  “The more honest the better…”

  “Well It’s one of those situations where I could just save you the trouble of fear and anxiety if we just avoid it altogether and not talk about it. I couldn’t be more sincere on the subject.”

  “I do see you’re serious, yet forgive me – I’m still curious,”

  Well, I see your stupid and I’ll raise you a crazy, it goes a little like this…”

  Lost Case

  I have more than I can speak of my friend;

  Too much darkness to comprehend,

  It eats and fills my insides,

  Never to subside,

  I have enough to hurt you,

  More than I’d ever mean to,

  Please don’t try and extract the core,

  It’s an endless losing war,

  I’m afraid to dig so deep,

  The misery and despair makes me weep,

  It’s all buried down and locked in for reason,

  My heart’s known far too much treason,

  I’m a lost case,

  Don’t you see it in my face?

  Others have tried and failed,

  Mood soured and long staled,

  Don’t infect yourself with my evil,

  You won’t escape once it’s revealed,

  It sucks and drains out so much life,

  And you don’t need that extra strife,

  I’m a lost case,

  And I forfeit my grace,

  I am far from worthy,

  My soul is dirty…

  Exit Scenario

  “That’s heavy mate. Where on earth did you come from?”

  “Yeah…That’s not important – it’s more about where I’m going,”

  “You really are something, I’d like to get to hang out and see more of you and get to understand you better, know you – you are truly interesting…”

  “Please don’t tell me you’re a poof, it’s normally fine by me but it’s not my persuasion and I’d feel uncomfortable if you were to ‘flirt’ with me,”

  “Whoa, fuck no man, me-lika-da-ladies bro, I just thought we’d get along and make good mates that’s all dude.”

  “Fine, shit, yeah all right, not a problem – fella like me could do with all the alibis he can get – HA, joking,”

  “You’re one of a kind mate.”

  Enter Scenario

  “My beautiful young daughter, Jaedine. I deeply apologise for our lost time together. If I’d died with only one regret then it would be of all the time I’d missed watching you grow. During the first few years of your life, I was being influenced by very poisonous people that did more harm to me than good.

  And sadly, these people were family members, I’d often wonder if they’d continue to be so disrespectful to me and treat me like some foul disease – then what would they be like to you? I would hope I could be someone you might look up to, but with horrendously critical people like these around who would only torment me, a creeping paranoia would drive me to protect you against such negativity.

  I had to do something about it, they would worsen the fragile stages of my mind – push me to get me react then break me. These bastards are bullies and I wasn’t going to have them put you through the same bullshit I had to face constantly. I’ve since cut ties and washed my hands of them and have had nothing to do with them anymore.