by Debra Kayn
"Come sit. Rest your legs, so you'll have enough energy to ride back home. We can follow the path when we leave." He pointed in the opposite direction and then patted the bench. "That way, you can put the bike in your backyard. It'll be better to start from the path than be out on the street when you're riding alone."
She stepped over and sat down, glad for somewhere to get off her shaky legs. "I can't keep a bicycle that isn't mine."
"It's yours now."
She jerked her gaze to him. "You really bought it for me?"
"Your mother paid for it." He pointed to the bike. "There's a water bottle in that holder on the frame. I filled it up for you. It's fresh and cold."
For the first time, she noticed that he held his own bottle of water. She went and retrieved it, popping up the top. Thirstier than she realized, she drank and then carried it back with her to sit beside him.
She had a hard time believing her mother bought the bike or gave her permission for her to go riding.
Searching the area, she noticed the stream. Looking in the brush and between the trees for the deer, she fell into a comfortable silence. Dr. Conner wasn't asking her too many questions today.
Several minutes later, a woman and a child—younger than her—rode by. She moved her feet under the bench and gripped the edge of the seat as Dr. Conner dipped his chin to the woman.
She feared someone seeing her outside and getting ahold of her mom. If she got in trouble, her whole summer would be ruined.
"Are you still enjoying your days on your own?" asked Dr. Conner the moment they were alone again.
Reeling from receiving the bike and Dr. Conner caring if she was doing okay, she swung her feet back and forth. "Yes."
He chuckled. "Then, I would guess it was worth standing up for yourself and getting what you want, right?"
She glanced at the bike again. The only reason she received the bike and was able to stop having a nanny was because of him. If it weren't for Dr. Conner, she'd be stuck inside with Ms. Gray, and she never would've been able to see where the deer live.
Since her dad had died, her mom always aimed her temper at her. It was as if her mom blamed losing her husband on Katie. Her anger confused her because she hadn't told anyone what she wished the night her dad died with Miss Cynthia.
"Look." He pointed. "Right in front of the log on the other side of the stream."
She searched the area, found where he pointed, and leaned forward. A white and gray rabbit sat eating grass. Squinting, she could see its nose twitching as if at any moment it would sneeze.
Wanting to get closer, she stood and tiptoed across the asphalted path. Thinking Dr. Conner would stop her, she went slowly in case he yelled at her to come back.
The rabbit lowered his head. She stepped off the path into the grass. The bunny stilled. She froze, holding her breath. The animal darted around the log and disappeared from sight.
Rejected, she returned to Dr. Conner and slumped on the bench. Nobody ever wanted to be around her. Not even a stupid rabbit.
She looked over at her new bike. Tomorrow, nobody would be around to ride with her or come and sit by the stream and wait for the deer to show up with her.
"Can we ride on the path next Tuesday?" she asked hopefully.
"Mm." He hooked his hands behind his head and looked out into the woods. "You do know your mother is paying me to talk with you at your house. We can't always play. Her hope is I can find out what holds you back from enjoying life to the fullest. Do you know what that means?"
She dragged the toe of her sneaker in the dirt underneath the bench. He was like everyone else, wanting her to act a certain way.
Tired of the adults in her life, she stood and walked away. Turning the bike around, she straddled the bar and pushed off, peddling in the direction of home.
The closer she got, the harder she worked to go faster. Her bicycle wobbled, and her handlebars almost came out of her hands. Spotting the woods at the back of the house, she braked too hard.
Her world tilted. Already ready to escape to the house, she kept her feet under her and ran. The tree branches slapped her arms. The vines across the ground snagged her shoelaces. Her chest squeezed the air out of her lungs, and she sobbed without missing a step.
He was just like everyone else. She wanted Dr. Conner to leave her alone. He could have the stupid bike back. She no longer wanted it.
Crashing into the back door leading into the kitchen, she banged on the wood with her fist. Panic filled her. She needed to get inside.
She never wanted to see Dr. Conner again.
Chapter 4
Dr. Conner set a box of crayons and paper down on the end table he'd moved in front of Katie. She refused to color a picture of something that makes her happy. How could she be happy when her mom was coming home tomorrow.
How could she be happy when her mother hadn't called her in four weeks to see how she was doing?
How could she be happy when Dr. Conner hadn't taken her on another bike ride since the day she'd run away from him.
All he'd done was pick her bike up out of the woods where she'd left it and parked it near the back door of the house as if he would return to ride with her again.
She wasn't going to ask him for anything ever again.
"Since you don't want to talk to me anymore, you can either write or draw the answers to my questions." Dr. Conner leaned back in the chair. "We've been working together for four weeks. You must know whether you answer or not, I'll come back for our next appointment."
She wasn't eight years old. The only time she used crayons was to color in the states and continents on a map at school. It was summer break. She wasn't going to do homework.
Pushing up from the chair, she headed toward the door. He could talk to himself.
"Sit down," he said, his voice deeper and sterner than she'd ever heard.
She stopped, keeping her back to him. "I don't want to," she mumbled, breaking her silence.
"If you're mad, tell me why."
"I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to answer your stupid questions. I don't want to look at you. I don't want you here." Her body stiffened, mad at herself for talking. "Just go away."
"I can't do that. Your mother hired—"
"Do you think she cares about me?" She swung around. "She doesn't."
"Why wouldn't she care?"
"Is she here? Has she asked you if you've shown up on Tuesdays and Fridays?" She crossed her arms. "She hasn't, so don't lie."
She wasn't sure if her mother had or hadn't been in contact with Dr. Conner. It no longer mattered because she wasn't talking about Dr. Conner. Her mother hadn't called her.
If her dad were alive, her mom would've called. Her dad always made her mom stop being mean to her. He'd even raise his voice and send her mother from the room if Katie got upset.
But, her father wasn't here.
He would never be here.
He was dead.
She trembled. A tickle rolled down her thigh. The inside of her leg.
Warmth flooded her body. A roar built up in her head. She closed her eyes, removing herself from the room.
If she couldn't see Dr. Conner. If she couldn't see where she was. If she couldn't see the humiliating results of her peeing in her shorts and making a puddle on the floor, it wouldn't be true.
Her dad would still be alive.
Dr. Conner would have no reason to come over.
A gentle touch picked up her hand. "Let's get you upstairs. You can show me where your bedroom is, and while you wash up, I'll find clean clothes for you."
She opened her eyes and kept them on the floor as he led her out of the room and to the stairs. Humiliated, she walked straight to her bedroom. Letting go of his hand, she ran into the joining bathroom and shut the door.
Sinking to the floor, she shivered from the dampness on her lower legs. Wanting only to be left alone, she stood again and stripped off her shorts and panties. She wet a washcloth and wiped her legs
and private parts off.
Tears came again. She couldn't stop them, no matter how hard she tried.
A soft knock startled her. She froze, squeezing her knees together.
"I put some clothes on your bed, Katie. I'm going to go downstairs and wait for you to get dressed and come back down to me," said Dr. Conner from the bedroom.
She put her ear to the door and waited several minutes after she could no longer hear his shoes on her wooden floor. Opening the door, she pulled her shirt down over her butt and walked out into the bedroom.
He'd helped her and had done everything he said he would do.
She stayed in her room long after she redressed. Finally, curious, she went downstairs, expecting Dr. Conner to have left. His hour appointment had to be over.
In the sitting room, Dr. Conner was in the same chair as earlier, but now he had a notepad on his lap and a crayon in his hand. She sat down, hoping he wouldn't mention she'd wet her pants. It was humiliating and scary. She hadn't done that since she was a little kid.
Dr. Conner put the notepad on the end table. She glanced down and leaned forward, surprised he'd drawn a picture of a deer and two babies by the stream. Off to the side, a girl stood, holding on to a bicycle.
He was really good. She could tell he drew her in the picture. He'd drawn long, blonde hair and put a pink shirt on the girl like the one she wore today.
"Our hour is up, and as I understand it, your mom will be coming home soon, so we'll plan on revisiting our talk on Tuesday." He stood, leaned over, and tapped the paper. "This is how the world sees you, Katie. You're a beautiful young lady. See how peaceful the deer are to have you look at them? That's what I want to help you find. Peace...happiness, if you let me."
He walked out of the room. The front door opened and closed.
She picked up the picture. Dr. Conner imagined what he wanted to see. To him, the deer and the girl were peaceful creatures. For her, outside of the picture, a storm was brewing. Bad things happened. People got hurt. Parents died.
And, the girl, no matter how innocent she looked and how people viewed her, was the cause of everyone's pain.
She carried the drawing up to her room and put it in her desk drawer. Dr. Conner could think however he wanted. He was an adult. He wasn't her friend.
When he had started coming to the appointments, he acted like the sole purpose was to be her friend. Like hanging around an adult would make her more comfortable being around kids her age when school started back up again. But he'd asked a few questions that made her think he was checking to see if she was sad.
Just like the school counselor had done when her dad had died, and she'd returned to school. But Dr. Conner was trickier. He pretended to like her by buying her a bike and drawing pictures.
"Miss Katie, Mrs. Meihoff is home," said Betsy over the intercom system.
She sighed and crawled up on her bed. Cuddling the pillow under her head, she closed her eyes. She'd not let her mother see how anxious she was to have her home after she'd left her for a whole month.
Summer break was supposed to be a fun time away from school. Tyla, in her old class, planned to go to Disneyland with her family. Scott B. was going to summer camp and getting to row boats and sleep under the stars. Tiffany, the most popular girl, was attending a cheerleading camp with her older sister, who was going into high school.
What had she done? She'd stayed home by herself.
The highlight of the whole summer was when Dr. Conner came over for her appointment to prove that everyone was right about her, and there was something wrong in her head.
She'd gone on one bike ride. That was it. She might as well had gone to school all year, even though she hated going.
The next thing she knew, she woke up from a nap and the house was quiet.
Sitting up in bed, she rubbed her eyes and looked around. Her room had grown dark.
Outside the window, the sunlight no longer lit up the trees in her view. She'd slept a long time.
Her stomach rumbled. Going to the bathroom, she peed and spotted her wet clothes. When she finished, she picked everything up and dropped her clothes in the hamper, covering the evidence with a towel. The maid service would pick everything up in the morning.
She walked downstairs, being careful not to run. On the stairs, she stepped on the runner without putting her hands on the banister. Downstairs, she looked in all the rooms as she worked her way to the kitchen.
Betsy looked up as she walked into the room. "I almost thought you'd sleep through dinner. I've been calling up to your room for the last half hour."
She slid onto the stool at the counter in the kitchen. Her mother wasn't in sight.
"Did my mom eat already?" she asked.
"Your mother has come and gone." Betsy opened the oven and removed a plate, putting it in front of her. "Be careful. It's hot."
Steam came from the chicken and rice. She picked up her fork and played with the small grains. "Did she try and wake me up?"
"She barely stayed long enough to have her luggage brought in." Betsy set a glass of ice water on the table. "I do know that Ms. Gray was called, and she'll be here at eight o'clock. I'll stay until she's here with you."
Her appetite fled. Nothing Dr. Conner could say or do would make her believe that her mother cared about her. She couldn't even check up on her after a month-long vacation before she was off again.
How long would she be gone this time?
Chapter 5
Two days before school started, Katie's mother showed up again and interrupted her appointment with Dr. Conner. Katie's toes curled inside her sneakers, and she wrapped her arms around her middle, pressing against the back of the chair. Her mother had stayed home two days before going to Baltimore to spend the rest of the summer with a man with the first name of Steve.
Steve.
That's all she'd been told. She knew what they were doing and why her mother wanted to be with a man. During that brief stay at home, she'd overheard her mother on the phone, saying gross things.
She hated her mom.
What her mom was doing with that man was wrong. Her mother would've never done those things to her dad.
"We still have twenty minutes until we're done." Dr. Conner closed the folder on his lap.
Her mother looked down her nose and ignored the doctor. "This will only take a moment."
Dr. Conner dipped his chin. She knew all his expressions having learned them over the summer, but she'd never seen his eyes harden in the corners and his lips thin.
Her mother moved toward her, standing an arms distance away from touching her, but she refrained. "Katie, you won't be going to Langly this year. I've enrolled you in St. Mary's private school where you will live in a dorm. It'll be easier for you, because you'll be right there on campus to attend your classes, and though you're young, it'll look good on your records for when you go to college. Ms. Gray has all the instructions and will pack what you need to take with you. She'll also take you across the bridge to Washington where the school is located. Once you settle in, I'll call, and we can discuss whether you'll stay on grounds during the holidays or come home. I will be leaving in the morning, so if you have any questions after Ms. Gray talks with you tonight, have them ready for me at breakfast."
"I don't want to go to a new school." She jumped from her chair. "I want to go to Langly."
"The matter is already done."
"But...but, what about Dr. Conner? How will I make our meetings?" She looked to Dr. Conner for help in convincing her mother to not send her away. "I can stay by myself here. I can walk to the bus stop. I don't need help."
"This isn't up for discussion. You're a child. I'm an adult. You'll have the best education, the best care, the best chance at having a productive life away from Astoria." Her mother turned to leave.
"I wish it were you who'd died," she yelled at her mother's back.
Her throat constricted, trying to shut down what she'd held in since her father had drowned
in the water.
Strong arms circled her from behind. She lashed out, trying to run after her mom. To push her. To hit her. To beg her to love her.
Dr. Conner held her tightly and put his whiskered cheek against the side of her head. "Let it out, Katie."
Sobs shook her body. Her legs folded.
Dr. Conner picked her up and set her on the chair. She curled, hugging her knees to her chest to keep herself from breaking into a million pieces and disappearing.
The doctor walked out of the room, shutting the door softly behind him. Alone, she squeezed her eyes shut. Anger filled her. In her mind, the sky crackled. Rain poured down, pounding the windows.
Overwhelmed with desperation for her mother to love her, she gasped, unable to breathe. Drowning in sadness for a father she wanted alive again, she had nobody who cared.
Raised voices broke through the hiccoughing sobs beating her body. Afraid her mom would make Dr. Conner go away, and she'd never see him again, she untangled her limbs and went to the door.
Sniffing and wiping her face, she held her breath and eavesdropped.
"You can't tell me how to raise my daughter." The venom in her mother's voice burned Katie's ears.
"As her psychologist, I can. Not only is she not healing from losing her father at a young age, but Katie has also dealt with neglect, abandonment, and rejection from the one person in her life who should be supporting her." Dr. Conner paused. "You."
In that instant, Dr. Conner became her champion.
She had no idea what all the big words stood for, but the accusations were aimed at her mom, and it felt as good as if she'd said the words herself.
"If you care so much about her, continue counseling her. That way, you don't lose your income I'm providing by having you fix my daughter."
"I don't need your money."
Her mom's laughter gave Katie shivers. "It's not my money. Katie's dad left it for her, and I aim to use every single cent of it on her care before she turns eighteen, making sure I don't have to deal with her."
