The Black Album

by Hanif Kureishi

  Shahid How’s the music of Prince relate to the Black struggles, miss?

  Tahira Prince? He’s a total dushman!

  Hat Yeah – he ain’t apna.

  Deedee Good question, Shahid. We’ll make that the assignment for next week – how Black musicians responded to racism.

  Tahira Why you shoving us always to music and them fripperies – what about the Nation of Islam?

  Deedee Let’s have an essay from you on Malcolm X and how the Nation of Islam helped in the Black struggles, Tahira – when you can get your head out of Khalil Gibran. The rest, concentrate on Black musicians. On my desk by next week. And as the mathematicians say, go forth and multiply.

  Hat (emulating a move of Michael Jackson’s) Thriller! I’m bad!

  Tahira whacks him. Laughter from the class as they disperse while Deedee picks out Shahid.

  Deedee Why do you like Prince?

  Shahid Well, the sound.

  Deedee Anything else?

  Shahid He’s black.

  Deedee And half white, half man, half woman –

  Shahid Half size –

  Deedee Feminist –

  Shahid But macho too.

  Deedee He can play soul and funk –

  Shahid And rock and rap.

  Deedee How are you coping?

  Shahid Never been so alone before. But I’ve run into people who excite me. Your lectures fire me up to spend the time reading and writing.

  Deedee You’re a good student.

  Shahid (diffident) Could you – have a look at something I’ve written? About a friend?

  Deedee (offhand) How sad! (Beat.) Some of my other students are coming by later to eat and talk – why don’t you join us? You can pore through my Prince videos.

  Shahid I’d like that. Thank you.

  Deedee pulls from her bag a copy of Salman Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses and hands it to Shahid.

  Deedee Have you read this?

  Shahid (taking it) Oh wow! Just the writer I’ve been talking about with my friends! Thanks.

  He heads off to the canteen with the book. She lingers, watching him as he joins Riaz, who is in discussion with Brownlow, flanked by Chad, Hat and Tahira.

  Riaz Communism has been a good idea to bring into the world, Dr Brownlow. But its repressive championing of atheism goes against fundamental human impulses, don’t you think?

  Chad Right. Atheism only a tiny minority thing. Like transvestism.

  Brownlow Y-y-you are confusing the p-p-practice with the ideal. That’s like equating the Ch-Ch-Church with the Bible.

  Riaz The idea can only be as good as the practice. You have to admit Communism everywhere has failed to wipe out the base human disease of racism. Without God people think they can sin with impunity. There is no morality.

  Chad Only extremity, ingratitude, hard-heartedness, like Thatcherism.

  Riaz Capitalism in a nutshell, will you agree, Dr Brownlow?

  Brownlow Oh, wh-wh-wholeheartedly! Her destruction of the working classes is one of the crimes of the century.

  Chad They been saying God dead. But it being the other way round. Without the creator no one knows where they are or what they doing.

  Riaz Allah-u-Akbar!

  Deedee leaves.

  All (except Shahid) Allah-u-Akbar!

  Riaz We should pray.

  Shahid Here?

  Chad Allah’s command overtop all others, brother.

  Riaz Will you join us, Dr Brownlow?

  Brownlow (to Riaz) It w-w-would be an honour. I have papers to mark. This e-e-evening? If you w-w-would lead me?

  Riaz Of course, of course.

  Brownlow leaves.

  Shahid Who is Dr Brownlow?

  Hat Teaches history here. A couple of decades back he was at the Cambridge University –

  Chad The top student of his year.

  Hat Yeah, I’m telling you. He come from the upper middle classes. He could have done any fine thing. They wanted him at Harvard. Or was it Yale, Chad?

  Chad He refused them places down.

  Hat Yeah, he told them to get lost. He hated them all, his own class, his parents – everything. He come to this college to help us, the underprivileged niggers and wogs and margin people. He’s not a bad guy – for a Marxist-Communist –

  Chad Leninist –

  Tahira Trotskyist –

  Hat Yeah, a Marxist-Communist-Leninist-Trotskyist type. He always strong on anti-racism. Isn’t that right, brother Riaz?

  Riaz Dr Brownlow has a good heart.

  Chad Problem is –

  Hat (to Shahid) Yeah, listen – problem is – he been developing this st-st-st-stutter.

  Shahid It’s a new thing then, is it?

  Hat Yeah, it come on since the Communist states of Eastern Europe began collapsing. As each one goes over he get another syllable on his impediment, you know. In a lecture, it took him twenty minutes to get the first word out. He was going h-h-h-he-he … we didn’t know if he was trying to say Helsinki, hear this, help, or what.

  Shahid What was it?

  Hat Hello.

  Chad By the time Cuba goes he won’t even manage that, I reckon.

  Tahira You met his wife – Deedee Osgood.

  Shahid She’s his wife?

  Chad She his wife.

  Tahira Keep away from her.

  Shahid Why?

  Tahira Riaz has evidence that her family are nudists.

  Beat, as the others consider the comment.

  And she always watching Top of the Pops.

  Shahid Really?

  Chad Without God-consciousness you can get away with everything. And when that happens you’re lost. Now I know God is watching me. With him seeing every single damn thing, I have to be pretty careful about what I’m up to.

  Shahid Like living in a greenhouse?

  Riaz Everything you do and think is witnessed. Time to pray.

  As Riaz and the others get ready to pray, a student walks through the group.

  Chad Oi – this here our multicultural democratic right, so fuck off!

  The student hurries off. Bell rings. Music, as they all disperse. Shahid returns to his digs, putting away his copy of The Satanic Verses.

  SCENE FOUR

  Shahid’s digs. Evening. Shahid is dressing to go out. A knock on the door.

  Shahid Come.

  Chad enters.

  Chad Hey, going somewhere, yaar?

  Shahid Na, just a function, you know, student thing.

  Chad Good, good. We need the room – expecting many more people coming to our meeting tonight.

  Hat barges in.

  Hat Hey, Shahid, there’s someone looking for you.

  Shahid Who?

  Hat He wearing crocodile shoes.

  Shahid (quickly) Please, Hat, say I had to go out.

  Chad Hat don’t tell no lies.

  Shahid Sorry?

  Hat No, I’m training to be an accountant.

  Enter Chili, smartly dressed.

  Chili How you doing, baby brother? Hug me, babe. Toot sweet.

  They hug.

  Shahid Chad, Hat, this is my brother Chili.

  Hat Hi.

  They shake hands.

  Chili shakes hands with Chad, who then sniffs his fingers and makes a face at Hat, as they leave.

  Chili Where the hell to sit?

  Shahid gathers the manuscript to take to Deedee’s.

  Why are you being in a hurry with me, brother?

  Shahid I’m not.

  Chili You tapping your foot.

  Shahid I got an appointment, Chili.

  Chili Pussy?

  Shahid No! A tutor from the college.

  Chili Ah-ha. You’re starting to pull – the family is delighted. Remember what Uncle Asif always said: ‘Your country’s gone to the wogs, boys! Pakistanis in England now have to do everything – win the sports, present the news, run the shops and businesses, as well as fuck the women. You’ve got the brown man’s burden.’

&nb
sp; Shahid Which you take on personally.

  Chili Cool trousers. Tartan suits you. They’re not mine, are they?

  Shahid No.

  Chili Where’s my red shirt?

  Shahid What?

  Chili Papa would be pleased. He always admired your brains. Got some jimmi hat?

  Shahid is mystified.

  (Explaining.) Rubbers. Johnnies. You don’t want no baby’s mama just yet, bro. Not still doing that scribbling, are you?

  Shahid What do you mean?

  Chili I’ll give you a slap if you waste your time like that. How the hell will you ever look relatives in the face?

  He feints a slap at Shahid, but turns it into a caress.

  That big boy, is he a new friend of yours?

  Shahid Chad? Yes.

  Chili Tell him if he sniffs his fingers at me again his children’s children will feel the pain.

  Shahid Okay. What do you want, Chili?

  Chili What is the world coming to, when a man can’t visit his baby brother?

  Shahid You haven’t shown much concern before.

  Chili You know what Papa said to me before he died? ‘Take care of the boy, don’t let him go down, Chili.’

  Shahid He called me a bloody eunuch fool for reading Shelley to Sarah on my first date!

  Chili laughs.

  Chili I’m widening horizons – expanding the business. Can’t have only you exploiting the riches of this city. When you’re done at the college, I’m taking you on as a partner – that’s a promise. Between us, we’ll hoover up all the money this town’s flashing at whoever cares to look. It’ll be just like Karachi, being chauffeured in Uncle Asif’s Merc. I’ve got a Beamer, now, five series.

  Shahid You need serious cash to have a chauffeur.

  Chili Bro, if you can’t dream, you won’t get. – I need a place to shack in.

  Shahid Some of the friends might be using the room for their meetings.

  Chili Can’t see that big boy staying awake after midnight. She a feminist? Bad luck. They tell you your prick’s too small –

  Shahid (interrupting) How is your wife, by the way?

  Chili (fiercely) What the hell you saying?

  Shahid Just asking after Zulma.

  Chili You trying to start me up?

  Shahid No, Chili, I promise.

  Chili Sure?

  Shahid It was a family enquiry.

  Chili (kisses him) Enjoy, bro. Soon we’ll really party. And remember, no one envies another a wank.

  Chili exits. Chad enters.

  Chad How is he?

  Shahid Who?

  Chad Honestly, you are lucky enough to be living here beside him, and you’re asking who? Brother Riaz!

  Shahid Not bad.

  Chad Good, good. There’s some project special to his heart he has to complete. I know he’ll offer me first look soon – it nearing the end. He’s not working too hard?

  Shahid shrugs.

  There’s a lot to get done.

  Shahid What exactly is he working on?

  Chad Pardon?

  Shahid I mean is there anything more than normal?

  Chad He can’t talk about it, Shahid.

  Shahid I know, I know. But –

  Chad He up to something with the Iranians, that’s all I can say right now. What you said the other day – it touch my heart right through. A man who speaks is like a lion.

  A brisk coded knock on the door.

  They’re early.

  Chad opens the door to a man carrying a green rucksack, which he holds up to Chad.

  Wicked. Ta very much, Zia.

  The man drops the rucksack (full of meat cleavers, knives, etc.) on the floor, bows and goes away. Chad places the rucksack within reach and starts rifling through Shahid’s clothes.

  Shahid What are you doing?

  Chad I was thinking, you know, the brother never have time for his-self. He wearing same clothes now for a week. It’s important he looks good at the meeting – like a chairman. Or general.

  Shahid But Chad –

  Chad What now?

  Shahid I can’t see him in the Fred Perry.

  Chad No?

  Shahid And this purple number might make him look effeminate.

  Chad What?

  Shahid Like a poof.

  Chad That won’t do. What you got so many books for?

  Shahid I love reading stories.

  Chad How old are you – eight? Aren’t there millions of serious things to be done? Out there … it’s genocide. Rape. Oppression. Murder. The history of the world is slaughter. And you reading stories like some old grandma.

  Shahid You make it sound like I was shooting up heroin.

  Chad Nice one.

  Shahid But don’t writers try to explain that kind of thing? Just now I’m reading The Possessed –

  Chad What about the dispossessed, eh? But let’s waste no more time discussing peripheries. We got many real things to accomplish. Hey, where d’you get this Paul Smith shirt?

  Shahid (evasive) A shop in Brighton.

  Chad Riaz’ll be thrilled. He like Brighton and he look best in red. You big-hearted, too, like a lion. Riaz was right about you.

  Another coded knock.

  Now what? Everyone’s in a hurry today.

  Hat pokes his head round the door.

  Hat Hey, Shahid, it for you. Popular guy!

  Shahid Is it Chili? Say I’m –

  Hat A lady.

  Zulma strides in.

  Zulma Hello, Shahid.

  Shahid Oh, Zulma Auntie, great to see you. What’s up?

  Zulma Never call me Auntie, you damn fool. In some quarters I’m a sex symbol. Here – your ammi asked me to bring your favourite aubergine pakoras.

  She hands him the pakoras, wrapped in foil. He stashes them away. Chad shuffles out, taking the rucksack and Hat with him.

  Shahid She shouldn’t have …

  Zulma And leave those brain cells unfed? How are the studies coming?

  Shahid Fine, fine.

  Zulma Working hard?

  Shahid Never harder.

  Zulma Making friends?

  Shahid The best ever.

  Zulma Have you seen my beloved husband?

  Shahid Yes.

  Zulma When? Where?

  Shahid He popped by to say hello.

  Zulma That bastard Chili never said hello to anyone. Did he borrow money? What’s his number? My pen is hanging! Where’s he staying at the moment in London? Quickly.

  Shahid Don’t you know?

  Zulma I’ve chucked him out until he cleans up. If he can, or wants to.

  Shahid What do you mean, ‘cleans up’?

  Zulma Let’s just say your ammi worries about him.

  Shahid He’s with his friends. Playing poker all night.

  Zulma What the hell, Shahid, which damn friends? You better tell me or I’ll string you up by the balls, okay?

  That brother of yours – Papa’s barely got cold and he’s off dreaming.