This House (Modern Plays)

by James Graham

  Western Isles It feels funny, us wee Scot Nats getting this ‘romantic’ attention, suddenly. Before the last election, I was the only one here. I had to ‘whip’ myself. (Laughing.) And I still couldn’t always get the bugger into the lobby!

  Harper It’s a manifesto pledge to vote on Scottish devolution and you know full bloody well a Tory Government wouldn’t put that forward, right? If we make it through the summer, everything points to us calling another election and getting a majority. Once that happens, we can start getting stuff done. The big stuff. Together.

  Western Isles If you promise to make devolution a priority, we’ll promise not to join a coup against you, OK?

  Speaker The Question is, that new Clause 4 to the Finance Bill be now read a second time.

  The Division Bell rings. The music returning …

  The Lobby – as before. Whips either side, led by Harrison and Weatherill waving their members through, and being counted themselves. When done, they stare at each other.

  Speaker Ayes to the right, 299. Noes to the left, 308. The Noes have it. The Noes have it.

  Weatherill displays (dignified) pleasure. Harrison tears up his order paper. They part.

  Speaker The Members for Merioneth and Caernarfon!

  The River Terrace.

  Cocks smoking with the Welsh – Merioneth and Caernarfon.

  Merioneth No Bob or Walter today? The big guns aiming at the big targets, then, are they?

  Cocks The … ? No, I, I wanted, we wanted the Welsh voices to be heard, see.

  Merioneth Like a couple of mice, singing in the cats’ choir? (Finishes his fag and flicks it over the side.) I’ve never liked the Thames. It looks … diseased.

  Alright, look, go back to your bosses and tell ’em this can be a … like a rolling thing, what do I mean, like a case-by-case basis, OK? (To Caernarfon.) You happy with that?

  Caernarfon smokes. Nods. Flicks his fag over the side.

  Merioneth Alright, there you are. Alright? (Offers his hand.) New for you this, is it?

  Cocks (beat; takes his hand and shakes) It’s – new for everyone.

  Merioneth Remember. Authority is an abstract. If you convince people you have it, then you have it. OK?

  They exit, leaving Cocks alone. He stares out, finishing his fag. He goes to flick it in the river, but doesn’t. Drops it to the floor and gently puts it out with his foot.

  Speaker The Question is that the Health and Safety at Work Bill be now read a second time.

  The bell rings, the lobby swings into action again …

  Speaker Ayes to the right, 251. Noes to the left, 207. The Ayes have it! The Ayes have it!

  The Members for Western Isles, Argyll and Dundee East!

  The Tea Room. The Scottish Nationalists as before, now with Weatherill.

  Weatherill No doubt their lot will be trying to woo you as well, but for our part –

  Western Isles They already have. Got here first.

  Weatherill They … ? Ah. I see.

  Western Isles Jack, you know I respect you, everyone respects you, it’s nothing personal. We’re not walking down the aisle with them but we’re not leaving in the middle of the ceremony either. Not yet anyway. I’m sorry.

  Speaker The Member for Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles!

  The St Mary’s Undercroft Crypt.

  Taylor and Peebles, sitting with his head in his hands.

  Taylor I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your – I didn’t know you were praying –

  Peebles I’m not praying, I’m thinking.

  Taylor It’s a bit creepy down here, isn’t it?

  Peebles We all need somewhere to go …

  You know this chapel is over 450 years old. I find clarity in the dignified silence of old things. Centuries’ worth of human endeavour helps put one’s own troubles into a kind of context. I find. (Beat. He stands.) So, Miss Taylor –

  Taylor Mrs.

  Peebles Let us be clear. We won’t be advising our members to do anything but uphold the principals of the Liberal Party. If they happen to coalesce with yours. then fine and dandy.

  Taylor If the Tories call a Vote of No Confidence, would you support it?

  Peebles Well. We don’t currently not have confidence in you.

  Taylor Spoken like a true politician.

  Peebles How would you know, you’ve barely been one for a day? Can I give you a bit of advice? The observations of a third party in a two-party system? A Conservative government always eventually falls because they believe themselves entitled to power. And Labour governments always fall … because they don’t. Just a thought.

  Speaker The Members for Merioneth and Caernarfon!

  The River Terrace, again.

  Weatherill with the Welsh Members.

  Weatherill Look, I know traditionally our parties are at opposite ends of the spectrum but –

  Merioneth Labour would give us and the Scots devolution, come on.

  Weatherill Help us bring them down and you’d get an election. Swell your ranks a bit.

  Merioneth Nah. Too risky. Sorry, Jack.

  He pats his arm, and leaves. Weatherill alone on the terrace.

  Government Whips’ Office.

  Cocks at a desk, a portable recorder playing a tape. Mellish, Harper and Taylor listening.

  Walsall North (off, recorded) ‘I’m floating on my back down the Thames. Underneath … what? Lambeth I suppose. Lambeth Bridge … And then I … ’

  Harrison (entering) I got Blyth with us tonight, Independent.

  Mellish Shh. Listen.

  Walsall North (recorded) ‘ … I turn my head. And I see that … that the Houses of Parliament are on fire. And suddenly the Thames turns to … it turns into blood. Like oil in the darkness.’

  Harrison Who the bloody hell’s that?

  Cock Walsall North. A tape, someone left for us. Anonymous.

  Walsall North (recorded) ‘ … and then I see the bodies. Hundreds of them. I recognise them. MPs. They’re flowing out of a hole in the palace. Face down in the blood … ’

  Cocks What is it, some kind of therapy session. What?

  Mellish (presses stop on the tape) Shit. What’s his history? Walsall North, he’s … ?

  Harrison Businessman. Investments. Married, three kids –

  Mellish Oh yeah, yeah, Postmaster General in the last … and loyal, right? Far as we know.

  Taylor (with a file) His last question in the house was about drowning statistics.

  Harrison We need to contain this, don’t want to be losing bloody seats ’cause of nutters.

  Mellish Cocks, you call him in.

  Cocks Me?

  Mellish Ann, go round his missus, have a cup of tea. And his assistant too, uh, ‘Sheila’ – and don’t shoot me a look, alright? It’s not ’cause you a woman, you’re just the – nicest.

  Taylor (phone rings) Yes, Chief. (She answers.) Ann Taylor.

  Harrison (at blackboard) Right, tonight’s big one, Social Security, it’s tight, only a couple in it.

  Mellish (clapping his hands) Keep at it, all of you, come on. Right, pairing. / Joe, you ready?

  Cocks (on his phone) John. It’s Michael Cocks. Could you pop down … ?

  Taylor Alright, thank you. (Putting her phone down.)

  Mellish Ann, time to see some pairing in action, we’ve got one off sick, Batley, and a minister away. Joe, it’s your time to shine –

  Everyone except Cocks exits into –

  The Lobby. Government Whips one side, Opposition the other. Warming up their men …

  Mellish Alright, Joe, remember, if we don’t cancel out our absentees, we’re down by two.

  Weatherill (with Silvester) Right, we’ve got two of our chaps struggling to be here, but I’ve done this job, alright, I know the form. Let them show their hand first, act like it’s no bother to you whether you find a pair or not. Right?

  Silvester Right. (Marching forward.)

  Harrison (also marching forward, calling so the ot
her side hears) And in the red corner, Joe ‘Hard Man’ Harper.

  Harper gives a thumbs-up back to them. Silvester looks back to his team, expectantly.

  Atkins … Uh, And in the Blue … I can’t, I’m sorry.

  Silvester (with his book) Alright, Harper. Let’s get this over with.

  Harper (with his) Yes, well, as you know the Foreign Secretary is at the summit, and so courtesy dictates you take one of your boys out when a minister is away.

  Silvester That’s of course fine, we’ll send one of our boys home.

  Harper And then another pair. For Batley. Ill at home. Any of your boys needing to slip away?

  Silvester (looks over his shoulder) Well. Poor Batley. Fine, we’ll pair him too. And may the best men win.

  Speaker The Member for Walsall North!

  Government Whips’ Office.

  Walsall North, distracted and contemplative, is being shown in by Cocks.

  Cocks John. Come in. Take a seat. Not too far, though. Ahah.

  Walsall North Not too … ?

  Cocks The seat. Don’t take it too … because we need it – doesn’t – would you like a drink or anything, drop of the old – or … ?

  Walsall North Uh, no. No thank you. (Beat. Realises he’s not sitting. Sits.)

  Cocks (sits) So how – You know. Are you?

  Walsall North … I’m … (Clears his throat.) I’m fine. Thank you. (Beat.) And how are you?

  Cocks Oh, you know. Yes, no yeah. Business alright, all your different … businesses?

  Walsall North My … They’re, wh – has, why, has. Has someone …

  Cocks No. No, I’m just asking. We’ve got you chalked down for the vote, right?

  Walsall North Chalk – (Chuckles.) Uh, yes, you have me ‘chalked down’, Michael.

  Such an odd feeling, isn’t it? I mean what are we now, getting on to ten – may very well be here till, what, one, one-two. Making the laws of the land, while the land we’re doing it for is dark outside, popped off to bed. Unaware. Just silence. Bar the sound of the river.

  Cocks Ignorance is bliss, eh? All that.

  Walsall North ‘Ignorance is … ’ Yes that’s … Very …

  Ever wonder why they built this on the river? Sort of does give that appearance of floating, doesn’t it? Like an ark. To ‘save us all, when the flood comes’ …

  People often say that the sea makes them sad, but it’s not the sea, is it? It’s the beach. When you’re out at sea, it’s actually extraordinarily peaceful, but on the beach, looking out at the sea … one can’t help but suddenly feel so … erm … mortal. So aware that one has only a self-contained amount of time. Course you know why, don’t you? It’s because the sound of the tide is the sound of breathing. Sucking air in … and pushing it back out. That’s what we’re listening to, as we stand on the edge of the world, having come as far as we can go. We’re listening to our own mortality. Ebbing away. The saddest sound in the world.

  Cocks … You ever been to Blackpool beach? They have the illuminations, along the sea front. The golden mile. It doesn’t have that, that … lonely feeling. Donkey rides as well.

  Walsall North Really? Donkey rides?

  Cocks For children. Yeah. Just going back and forth –

  Walsall North Back and forth?

  Cocks Yeah, the … donkeys. Along the beach.

  Walsall Donkeys. Back and forth, along the beach …

  Cocks (pause; stands; offers his hand) Well. Cheers, John.

  Walsall North looks at Cocks’s hand for a moment before shaking it.

  Speaker The Question is, that the Social Security Amendment Bill be now read a second time.

  The Division Bell rings.

  The music builds again as the different whips join their different members in different places.

  Speaker The Member for Ilford North!

  Ilford North I’m just not sure it’s in the interest of my constituents. Perhaps if I had … oh, I don’t know, a nice easy chair in my office, that might make me feel more … ‘comfortable’?

  Harper An easy chair?! (Sighs, writes it down.) Right, easy chair.

  Speaker Member for Thurrock?!

  Taylor So that’s one new carpet and we’ll see about a place on the Science Committee. Deal?

  Speaker Member for Coventry North West!

  Harrison (pulling him in, close) Maurice, you voting?!

  Coventry North West (scared) Yes.

  Harrison Good.

  The lobby swings into action as before, Members being counted through.

  Speaker Ayes to the right, 282. Noes to the left, 280. The ayes … just … have it!

  The Westminster Clock Tower.

  Cocks staring out. Audio snippets of the October 1974 General Election play out. The Labour Party gains 18 seats to win a tiny majority in the House of three. Labour 319 seats, the Tories 276.

  The music reaches its climax and ends.

  Scene Three

  Members’ Lobby.

  Harrison spills out from a celebration in the Government Whips’ Office, holding a drink, catching Weatherill heading to his Opposition side.

  Harrison Oh, Jack, I’m glad I caught you. Listen, I wanted some new curtains for our office, you couldn’t stitch me up a pair could you? Maybe some doilies and a little cushion?

  Weatherill You know they say humour is often a way of masking deep insecurities, Walter.

  Harrison Oh is that what they say, oh right. Insecurities? Us lot? We’ve just gained a majority in the house, mate, home and dry.

  Weatherill Home and dry, with a majority of three? What of heavy traffic, what of children’s violin recitals, what of births and deaths and twisting your ankle. Three MPs can disappear from a vote like that. You may as well be hung –

  Harrison I bet we’re in for the full five years.

  Weatherill (laughs; stops; beat) You’re not serious?

  Harrison Tenner says I’m right.

  Weatherill … Very well. Five years. (Shakes his hand.) Easiest money I ever made.

  Speaker The Member for Bromsgrove and Redditch!

  Opposition Whips’ Office – ‘319 v. 316’ on the board.

  Atkins looks at the board. Silvester stands with Redditch ‘rehearsing’ as Weatherill enters.

  Redditch ‘In my home, we, we have a, a Lord Chancellor’s purse, and, and a black rod –’

  Atkins Arse. Sorry.

  Weatherill That’s alright, Chief, emotions running high and all that.

  Silvester (to Redditch) Calm, Hal. Better to go slow and not trip up, than fast and wobbly.

  Weatherill Maiden speech, is it?

  Atkins Listen to Fred, Hal, he’s one of these new, modern, professional types. Knows how to work a crowd –

  Silvester You’ll be tip-top, nothing to worry about.

  Redditch (nervously crumpling his speech) Alright for you lot. As whips you’re banned from speaking in the House, aren’t you?

  Atkins From speaking anywhere, old boy; we don’t exist. You won’t hear our names called.

  Weatherill What is it today, Industry and Energry?

  Atkins (mock gasp) Oh no. ‘Mr Benn’. Bristol South East. Scary.

  Redditch Christ, I hadn’t even expected to be here. I was only standing in Redditch ’cause I was told it was a no-hoper. They bloody-well lied. Needles everywhere, you know that? Half the world’s needles, made in sodding …

  Atkins (sighs at the board) Oh blast it all, I really did think we’d have them out by now.

  Redditch I was holding out for Cheam, or Chester. A ‘ch’ place, a nice little English ‘ch’ place. Not ‘Redditch’, listen to that. It’s not a name, it’s a fucking noise. What is it, ‘Redditch’? Sounds like a frog vomiting.

  Silvester (phone rings, answers) Silvester?

  Atkins Wonder where it comes from, actually. ‘Redditch’.

  Redditch Oh, I don’t know. Psoriasis? God knows.

  Silvester (phone down) Plymouth Sutton on his way down, Deputy. And you’r
e up, Hal.

  Redditch (leaving) And they told me it was Worcestershire. Another lie!

  Atkins It is Worcestershire.

  Redditch Oh Humphrey, it’s Birmingham. Everybody knows it is, listen to the sodding accent. I imagined meadows and steeples and farmyards and haystacks. Well, do you know what, shall I tell you something? You can’t find a haystack in Redditch cause of all the fucking needles! (He exits.)

  Atkins (handing a file to Weatherill) From Ted. Shadow Cabinet reshuffle, we’ve got an advanced nod of some of the difficult ones, give them warning of bad news.

  Weatherill Only three in it, Chief. Block some of their big stuff, call a Confidence vote –

  Atkins And how do we block them? Our lot will be bored and demoralised, it’s going to take all we’ve got to keep them coming in for every vote, all the time, and the other side seem to have successfully seduced the sods.

  Weatherill (a touch tetchy?) I’m working on that, Chief.

  Atkins You like that, Fred? Bit of alliteration – ‘Successfully – seducing – sods’.

  Silvester Actually, I believe that’s assonance.

  Weatherill and Atkins glower at him. He buckles.

  Silvester Or, perhaps not.

  Speaker The Member for Chelmsford!

  Chelmsford (entering) Humphrey, Jack.

  Atkins Norman, do come in; look we’ll get straight to it, you’re getting a call from Ted, he wants you round his table.

  Chelmsford Oh? Oh, well, smashing.

  Speaker Member for Plymouth Sutton!

  Plymouth Sutton (knocking, entering) You rang, m’lords?

  Weatherill Evening, Alan.

  Plymouth Sutton (to Weatherill) Everything alright?

  Atkins (to Chelmsford) It’s Education

  Chelmsford … Education?

  Plymouth Sutton (to Chelmsford) Oh well done, old cock.

  Chelmsford Uh, thanks, Alan. I … I suppose I was interested in Foreign, / that’s all, but …

  Plymouth Sutton (rubbing his hands) Right, well what have you got for me, then, eh?

  Weatherill (to Plymouth Sutton, handing him a note) Complaint from the Serjeant at Arms.

  Atkins Well, try and looked surprised and above all pleased, won’t you?

  Plymouth Sutton (taking it) Complaint? What about?