This House (Modern Plays)

by James Graham

  Mellish You bet your bottom dollar it is, mate.

  Walsall North Hmm? (Beat.) You’re not getting rid of me?

  Mellish Oh, don’t think in any other situation you wouldn’t be out on your bloody bum, mate. But we can’t. Not yet. Majority’s too thin. With a suspended sentence you can stay on till we’re out of the danger zone and then piss off.

  Walsall North No. No, I’m not staying here, I can’t stay in the House. I’ll resign.

  Mellish Can’t resign, John. 1623 Resolution, no MP can resign, only be booted out. Fact.

  Walsall North Oh yes I can. The Crown Steward and Bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds. (Taking a book from under his chair.) From the House of Commons Library, wonderful thing really. (Opening it up.) Act of Settlement 1701: ‘An MP who accepts an office of profit must resign.’ That’s why the fictional post of ‘Crown Steward and Bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds’ was created as a pretext for resignation. First used by John Pitt in 1751. (Snapping the book closed.) So there. I’m sorry. But …

  Mellish (standing, grabbing him) You’re bloody well staying, right?! You’re staying here!

  Walsall North (limply) Can’t you feel it?! Can’t you hear it … Listen! … it’s creaking. She’s moaning … it’s over. The whole thing is dying –

  Mellish Enough of that, John, we know you were bullshitting the loony bastard stuff –

  Walsall North How can you not feel it … it’s diseased … let it die. You have to let her die …

  Government Whips’ Office. Harrison with Harper and Ann.

  Harrison Right, lists out, how we looking? I’ve got Ebbw Vale in the lead from my lot.

  Ann Me too, Cardiff South East close second, Bristol South East in with a shot.

  Harrison Let’s see yours Joe, try and tot this up. (Counting on fingers.) 38 plus your 60 is …

  Mellish (entering) Arsehole. (Going to the board, replacing ‘+2’ with ‘+1’.) Walsall North’s going, we should assume we won’t keep the seat either. (Chucking the chalk.) Bollocks.

  How’s the leadership looking, support?

  Harrison Close call between Ebbw Vale and Cardiff, though reckon there’s more support for Bristol South East than folk are letting on.

  Mellish Bristol? Jesus. See, this is what I’m talking about, divisive candidates, it’s the last –

  Harrison Oi, and whatever happened to neutrality, Chief?

  Mellish I am bloody neutral, I’m just saying, I can see the road ahead, this rate, seen it before, no one does that self- … what’s it, thing, better than Labour.

  Ann ‘Self-’ what thing?

  Mellish You know with the – (Imitates self flagellation.) Where you hit yourself on the – it don’t matter. What time is it … ? Quarter to ten. Get off into the lobby, I’ll see you there.

  The others leave as Mellish shuffles papers. Stops. Thinking …

  He picks up his phone and dials a number, sitting at his desk.

  Mellish Hello, it’s Bob. … Uh, I wondered if you were around at all later? Somewhere private. I, got some numbers. And I just kind of … well, wanted to pledge my own personal support.

  Members’ Lobby. Weatherill passes Harrison.

  Weatherill Oh, what’s up, Walter. ‘Trouble at mill’?

  Harrison Nothing to worry your pretty little head over, Jack.

  Weatherill Risky business this, change of leader, takes a crack team of whips with the trust and respect of their members to achieve it calmly, smoothly.

  Harrison Oi, don’t teach your gran to suck eggs, right?

  Weatherill Confident this won’t ruin your five-year plan?

  Harrison Confident enough to raise it to fifty. (Offers his hand.)

  Weatherill (shakes) Done.

  The House of Commons Rifle Range.

  Atkins fires a few shots at the targets and reloads. Weatherill behind him.

  Weatherill They’re scared. Halfway across the tightrope and they’re having to change poles; it could go either way.

  Atkins Good. So we just have to sit back and let them do what they do best. Tear themselves apart. It’s the best way to hunt, you know Jack-my-lad. Let the target come to you. (Fires. Reloads.) I don’t know why I’m not down here more often. Very relaxing.

  Weatherill Careful. They’re trying to get rid of it. Sits incongruously inside a modern political establishment, apparently.

  Atkins Huh. Really. (Aims.) I would have thought it entirely in keeping … (Fires.)

  The Government Whips’ Office. Mellish and Cocks. Mellish is packing his things into a box.

  Cocks I don’t … Bob, it doesn’t … I mean, Jesus. Why?

  Mellish Backed the wrong horse, didn’t I? Ebbw Vale. You play your cards …

  Cocks Why di – Why did you even back a horse? You always said we had to be –

  Mellish Yeah and I’m right, you should be. I ju – I just wanted … oh, I dunno, Michael. I just got sick of this, being in the heart of the bloody kitchen, cleaning up the mess, doing all the … I just wanted a seat round that table. Maybe. As an equal, not the bloody whipping boy, one who makes ’em laugh with his, his … cheeky, cockney rhyming, bloody, docker’s son, fucking – sorry, Ann, oh, she’s … (not there.)

  Cocks But you can’t leave us. This is the most critical … I mean, how else are we going to get through it, we can’t … I mean, I’m not saying Walter’s not up to it, of course he is, but –

  Mellish Not Walter. You.

  Cocks (long pause) Me … ? But I’m … Bob, I’m not –

  Mellish We’re gonna need a diplomat to survive this, not a warmonger. A negotiator. A good … a good and decent man. You’ll be getting a call.

  Cocks (beat, paces, rubs his neck) Where … where’s your place? Where you go. Now that you’re leaving, I just … wondered. Where you went.

  Mellish Cupboard. One what Emily Davison broke into and slept in, night of the 1911 census. Meaning a suffragette could claim her residence to be ‘The Houses of Parliament’ for ten whole years. No one ever comes in, I just … sit. (Beat.) And yours?

  Cocks The toilets, main floor, south corridor.

  Mellish (beat; smiles) Liar.

  Harrison (bursting in) It’s not true, you’re not going, you’re not bloody going – ?

  Mellish Walter, it’s fine –

  Harrison Aw, what is this, no Bob, no, when we’re hanging by a thread?! How can he do– ?!

  Mellish Walter, oi. He’s right to. You need your whip to take a bloody bullet for you, and I stuck my neck out for the other guy. He needs someone he can trust. He needs … Michael.

  Walter …

  Mellish (to Cocks) Look, give us a minute, will yer?

  Beat. Cocks exits.

  Mellish Listen to me, Walter Harrison. You’re a bloody-minded Yorkshire bastard but I love yer, OK? And you’re the best Deputy Whip this building has ever bloody seen. And that’s why … that’s why you still will be the best Deputy …

  Beat. Harrison sits, leans forward on his knees.

  Mellish You’re the one that they’re either afraid of, or that they actually like and come to. The Chief can’t be those things. The Chief has to be above it all. And above it all, you’d be wasted. It’s you’re fault for being so sodding indispensible.

  Taylor and Harper enter.

  Taylor Bob?

  Mellish Alright, it’s alright, look, let’s not make a song and dance about it.

  Speaker The Member for South Ayrshire, the Member for Paisley!

  Paisley and South Ayrshire bustle in, followed by Cocks hot on their heels.

  Harper Oi, you two, I said wait outside!

  Cocks Jim, John, / you can’t just come in here –

  Paisley We’re sorry to barge in, Bob, but rumours are you’re off and we / need –

  Mellish Bang on, old son, so out me way. Speak to Michael, there.

  Harper Michael?

  South Ayrshire Bob, we’ve come to formally resign the whip. We can no longer in good conscience act as
Members of Parliament for the Labour Party. I’m sorry.

  Mellish waves them off with a free hand, turning and making to leave. Beat. Puts the box down and goes for the pair of them – yelling, the other whips pulling him off.

  Mellish You pair of disloyal bastards! I’ll have you! It’s over for you, I mean it!!

  South Ayrshire Oh, don’t talk to me about loyalty, Bob! You hear?! Loyal, what’s loyal about giving the voters a promise on devolution and then not bloody well delivering?!

  Taylor And how are we meant to deliver on something as big as dividing up the kingdom, Jim? (At the board.) With a majority that big?!

  Paisley You’re not delivering on anything! On anything. This isn’t a government. Governments have powers, make decisions, rule. This isn’t a Parliament. It’s a fucking purgatory.

  Paisley and South Ayrshire leave. Mellish tuts at his slightly torn shirt.

  Mellish Pocket’s bloody …

  Taylor Here, let me –

  Mellish Leave it. Just …

  Beat. Picks up his things. Walks towards the door. Stops.

  Oh shit, my ca – Huh, I don’t have the, the car. Any more. It’s yours, Michael. I don’t … I can’t remember how I – hold on.

  Cocks Bob, take the car, let it / drop you –

  Mellish No, it’s fine, Christ, don’t make a … I just need to jog me – it’s the Circle, no District. District Line, Eastbound, from … see? I got it. It’s fine.

  Don’t … don’t let ’em win. Alright? Halfway there. Don’t let the bastards win.

  Mellish leaves. Silence. Cocks takes the chalk, and on the board replaces ‘+1’ with ‘–1’.

  Harper … So. That’s it, then. Hung again.

  Cocks No. That’s not it. (At the board.) We draw the odds and sods back over to us again, rainbow coalition, why not, we’ve done it before, we can do it again. We can. We … Walter can.

  Harrison looks up.

  Cocks Next vote is Aircraft and Shipbuilding Bill, a classic ideological one, we want to invest, Tories want to cut, if they beat us, they’ll call a No Confidence, which if we lose, we’re out, finished. If we win … well if we win, we fight another day. And another. All the way to five years. Together. (Beat. Holds out the chalk.) Walter … ?

  Pause. Everyone looking at Harrison. He sighs … and stands, taking the chalk.

  Harrison Alright. Let’s see what we’ve got.

  Scene Five

  From the dimly lit Commons Chamber, the Members’ Chorus are singing ‘The Red Flag’. A flash of light picks up the Member for Henley on the floor, facing them, back to us, brandishing the Parliamentary Mace above his head maniacally as the music explodes –

  The Government Whips’ Office and the Opposition Whips’ Office.

  An eruption of activity as Cocks, Harrison, Harper and Taylor bundle Stirlingshire West into the Government office, holding a bloody nose, and in the Opposition office a mirror image, Atkins, Weatherill, Silvester and Esher (the ‘Colonel’) help in the Member for Hexham, staunching his own bloody nose.

  Esher Cheats! Bunch of double crossers! Can you believe it?! They broke a pair!

  Hexham Ouch. It hurts. Everything on my face hurts.

  The Speaker and Serjeant at Arms bowl in with Henley and Lowestoft.

  Henley (shouting to members, outside), Yeah! Come on then! Bloody try it!

  Speaker (trying to get above the din) Gentlemen, please! Try to act like Honourable Members of this House! And not football hooligans! I’ve already suspended the session for twenty minutes so that everyone can calm down. I’ve Commons policemen pulling people apart in the lobby and fighting, fighting, in the House of Commons Chamber! I have never in my life –

  Henley That song, they were singing that bloody Commie song after they robbed us of the vote!

  Weatherill Heseltine, put a sock in it!

  Speaker I don’t care about the bloody vote! I do care about you removing the Parliamentary Mace from its sacred position and using it to threaten ministers!

  Atkins Mr Speaker, they broke a pair, they must have done, they paired someone with one of our guys and then they brought him into the lobby for their vote!

  Esher Cheats! Cheaters!

  Speaker That Mace dates back to Charles II –

  Henley I know, look, I –

  Speaker – and symbolises – are you listening? – the royal authority under which the Commons sits. Interfering with it constitutes gross misconduct, the Serjeant at Arms, here, has the authority to take you to the cells / and imprison you –

  Serjeant Only I am allowed to / place and remove that Mace, do you understand? Me.

  Lowestoft Wow, wow, wow. Look.

  Henley Alright! I’ll apologise!

  Weatherill I’m going over there to sort this out. (Exiting.)

  Speaker The House can’t reconvene for business until the Mace is placed back properly, and you put it back the wrong way round.

  Lowestoft Oh, don’t – what?!

  Speaker Parliament is not authorised to lawfully meet unless the Mace is in place, and you put it back the wrong way round!

  Atkins Both of you, both of you, go with the Serjeant of Arms and replace the Mace.

  Lowestoft Oh for GOD’S – !

  He exits with Henley and Serjeant.

  Government Whips’ Office.

  Taylor Are you alright, Denis?

  Stirlingshire West Ponces, couldn’t, couldn’t throw a decent punch if – ow.

  Cocks Alright, Joe, talk, how come on the second vote our numbers went up by one?

  Harrison Look, we won the vote, Michael, Christ, will you look at this, they’ve caused a bloody riot, them, / over there, we should be focusing our attention on bloody them –

  Cocks Did we bring a man back in who we’d pa – Listen to me! Joe?! Walter?! Who was it, at the last minute? Did we slip someone back in who was meant to be paired off?

  Harrison No, look, we agreed on six pairs and we gave them six pairs –

  Harper We found out Agriculture Minister was delayed in Denmark and / hadn’t told us –

  Harrison Hadn’t told us, there, exactly, and a Minister requires a pair, so he became our sixth man to sit out, which meant we could bring one of the others back in.

  Cocks You brought … is that – ? / That’s not … wait –

  Harrison We agreed six pairs and they got six pairs, Michael.

  Weatherill (bursting in) Michael, Walter, someone explain where your extra man came from.

  Cocks Oi, this is the Government Whip’s Office, did you knock? / Go out and knock!

  Weatherill Who was the Member that took your tally up from / 303 to 304?

  Cocks Did you knock on that door?! Did you knock on the door?!

  Weatherill Alright! Knock, blimey, I’ll knock, bloody …

  He exits, closing the door. He knocks on the door.

  Harrison We’re not in.

  Weatherill (bursting back in) God damn it, Walter!

  Harrison (laughing) Alright, I’m sorry. Jack, oi. Listen. You bugger. I’m sorry. OK?

  Weatherill (beat; calms; smiles, a little) I’m sorry. It …

  Cocks We can sort this out.

  Weatherill Do you know how serious this is? This is really serious.

  Harrison Jack.

  Weatherill The vote on our Opposition motion was a tie, 303 each, do we agree on that?

  Harrison Jack. Look –

  Weatherill There was a second division, on your motion, and the vote this time was different. It was us, 303, and you, 3-0-4. Which means someone who hadn’t been there at the first vote was there in the second. Now how can that be, unless someone you paired with one of our chaps came back into the lobby when he shouldn’t have done. How?!

  Harrison The Agriculture Minister, Jack. He’s in Denmark, right, and he wasn’t paired.

  Weatherill Wasn’t pai – ? Well, had you asked for a pair, did you ask Fred for one?

  Harper It was you lot, you needed six pairs, a
nd we gave you six –

  Atkins, Silvester and Esher storm in with Speaker who has a thick book.

  Atkins COCKS! I demand to / know what you did!

  Cocks Uh, excuse me, all you, / out of this office!

  Weatherill Fred, the Agriculture Minister was away, did you pair him?

  Silvester What? No, he wasn’t one of them, it was –

  Atkins Oh, really!

  Harrison Wait, just bloody listen, Jesus! We agreed pairs, six of ours stepped out, six of yours, but we actually had seven out with Agriculture away, so even with one of ours going back in –

  Silvester You / can’t do that –

  Harrison – we still had six of our lot out, as agreed!

  Esher Cheats! Liars!

  Harper Oh, knock it off, Mather!!

  Weatherill No, that’s it then! That extra vote of your chap who went in is void, / it’s void.

  Atkins Mr Speaker, I demand, demand you void that extra vote and declare it tied –

  Cocks Hold up, it isn’t tied, we won! The Bill will become law, get over it –

  Speaker Wait, wait, look, according to all precedents, yes, in a tied vote, as Speaker I’d have to vote against the motion, but –

  Taylor It isn’t tied! We won, by one! (Exits.)

  Speaker BUT! Cocks is right, there’s nothing in the Erskine May rules that recognises pairing. That’s a gentlemen’s agreement between yourselves, I can’t call a recount.

  Atkins Oh, you – that’s it, you, you … bastards! You’ve BLOODY HAD IT!

  Speaker And I’m suspending the House for the night, so you can all / go home!

  Weatherill Walter, Michael, I can’t / believe this –

  Harper Why is it so hard for you to understand? You agreed six pairs and you got six pairs!

  Atkins You think this is dirty? You wait. Just you wait. No – More – Pairing!

  Harrison Oh don’t talk rubbish, Humphrey, you can’t just / stop –

  Atkins I MEAN IT! It’s over. Pairing is off. Finished. Forget it! And The Usual Channels are closed!

  He exits with the other Opposition whips.