This House (Modern Plays)

by James Graham

  Speaker Ayes to the right … 310. Noes to the left … 308! The Ayes have it. The Ayes have it!

  Government Whips’ Office. Harrison, Taylor and Harper clinking drinks, Cocks on water.)

  Harrison Whey! Well then. (Drink.) ’Nuther day, eh? Not drinking, Chief?

  Cocks Nah, you’re alright. Walter? The vote in Education Committee, Thursday. Tories have managed to programme Finance same day. You’re the Whip in both.

  Harrison That’s alright, I’ll run between the two, you watch me. Michael, stop working.

  Cocks What’s the word on the benches, folk happy? Rank and file?

  Taylor Erm. Well, not one hundred per cent, of course. Not across the board; some rumblings –

  Harrison To be expected; new leader, ’s like kicking a bee hive.

  Cocks Where? From the Left, I take it.

  Taylor And some of the newer ones –

  Harrison You’re a ‘new one’, Ann –

  Taylor Yes, and that’s why I know what I’m taking about. Coventry South West, Nuneaton, Perry Vale. They’re not the easiest to keep in line, don’t feel they have to play the game.

  Harrison Well, tip me the wink if they need a bit of persuading. (Drinks.) Right. I’m off.

  Cocks Take my car, if you like. I’ll just kip here. Only couple of hours till I need to be in.

  Harrison What? You sure? Oh, well, thanks, Chief, I’ll give him a tinkle. (Noticing …) Oh. Ann. (Picks an eyelash from her cheek.) Eyelash. Make a wish.

  She smiles and closes her eyes, blowing the lash from Harrison’s finger. Harrison exits into the other office. Cocks heads out with letters. Taylor and Harper …

  Taylor Joe, while we’ve got a sec. It’s a bit, it’s slightly awkward.

  Harper Oh yeah.

  Taylor I’m in receipt of some information about a member and I don’t know what to do.

  Harper Which member?

  Taylor You. Joe (Beat.) Medical. Heard you’ve cancelled an operation twice now, a big one.

  Harper How did … ? It’s nowt, Ann, don’t worry. Nowt serious, it’s more important I’m here –

  Taylor You’re allowed to be sick, you know –

  Harper Oi, 100 per cent voting record me, every time that bell rings, I’ve been in, and will be in.

  Taylor You’ve nothing to prove, you know.

  Harper I know tha – Oi, bloody ’ell, what you say that for? I’m not … Look, just keep it to your –

  Cocks (re-entering) Come on, you pair, must have homes to go to.

  He gets to work at his desk. Harper grabs his coat, studying Taylor, and leaves.

  Cocks What did you wish for? Walter, just then.

  Taylor Promise you won’t laugh? … To be where you are one day. First woman Chief.

  Cocks Oh well, you’ve buggered it now, don’t come true if you say it aloud.

  Taylor (smiles, beat) Michael? Would you mind not apologising for swearing around me. I know it’s a running joke, but I’m trying to fit in as one of the lads, and it, just … you know –

  Cocks Oh, look, Ann, I’m sorry, it’s not …

  Sighs. Stands, aware of Harrison next door.

  ’S just, I’m trying to, I’m trying to run a different kind of ship, and … and well, truth be told, I don’t want you to be like the lads, I want the lads to be more like you. We need to get more … It, look, this is the biggest fight any of us will have ever had, and it’s going to get harder. Our enemies are slick and strong and … it’s like the professionals versus the ‘lads from the comp’.

  Taylor Well, grammar school boy, you, weren’t you?

  Cocks You know what I mean. Come on, look at us. Walter? Left school, no qualifications, an electrician by trade. Joe, miner all his life. Me … well, me, I’m the dumbest of the lot. I just want us ready.

  Taylor We will be. We are. (Hand on his arm.) And with you in charge? Nowt to worry about.

  Taylor leaves. Beat. Harrison comes out the office, pouring himself another whisky.

  Harrison Right, that’s done. Ta, Chief. (Collapsing.) I. Am. Bollocksed.

  Cocks Walt? How … how did you find out about the election before anyone else? How do you find out about everything? Thorpe. Harold. Jim.

  Harrison Lots of ways. Many fingers, many pies –

  Cocks Name one. One pie.

  Long pause.

  Harrison The drivers. Ministers are stupid, once they’re in the back of a car with each other, reckon they’re in an airtight vacuum, well, they’re not. One thing drivers like more than an earwig is a gossip. Meet down the Anchor and Hope of a Sunday, I pop along.

  Cocks You sly old dog.

  Harrison Woof.

  Cocks (beat) Am I … Ho – (Pause.) How am I doing? I know I’m no Bob, but –

  Harrison What? What do you mean ‘no Bob’. Gives a bugger about Bob now? I mean, yeah, you’re different. You’re… ‘quieter’. In a good way, makes you more – do you know what, it makes you more unsettling. You’ve got me to do the barking. You just get on with the bite.

  Cocks Is the Doc OK? Any news?

  Harrison Yeah, he’s … well. Oh, I don’t know. He shouldn’t be here. A lot of them. Any other time or place, they’d be quietly stepping down now, we’d be calling by-elections, moving on.

  Cocks (beat) D’you ever think … I don’t know. Walsall North. All his talk about this place. It being like … you don’t think there were owt –

  Harrison Course not. What you on about?

  Cocks (beat; waves it off) Nothing. So, will he make it to the end of term, Batley, or not?

  Harrison Will any of us? (Beat. Laughs.) I know we’ve seen some things in our time, but … aha ha ha, I don’t think a piece of legislation has ever passed by the vote of a fella hoisted on to the back of a Deputy Whip before!

  Cocks (starts laughing; then, harder) I know they say you’ve carried this Party, Walter, but … ha ha ha … I don’t think they meant … (Laughing more.)

  Harrison laughs too. Dies down. Drinks.

  Harrison Right. Sure you’re staying? Missus not mind?

  Cocks No. No, missus not mind.

  Harrison Everything alright in that regard? Missus. Family.

  Cocks You asking me as a whip or a friend, Walter?

  Harrison What do you think?

  Cocks I don’t know. One of them grey areas, in’t it? … Yes, Walter. All fine in that regard, ta.

  Harrison (beat) Eh. (Raises his glass.) Three years.

  Cocks (raises his glass.) Three years.

  Scene Two

  Committee Room. Hubbub – Harrison and Cocks, Atkins and Weatherill and the Serjeant at Arms in heated debate as the Speaker arrives.

  Speaker Alright, gentlemen please! What’s the matter?

  Atkins They’re at it again, Mr Speaker, ‘bending the rules’ to say the bloody least –

  Harrison Bending … ? The only thing bent is my leg, after your / man closed the bloody …

  Serjeant Please. Mr Speaker, there’s been a difference of opinion regarding the votes on two bills at committee stage. Amendments to the Education Bill were being voted on in Committee Room 10, while amendments to the Finance Bill were being voted on in Committee Room 14. Mr Harrison here had been the pre-selected Whip present at both committees –

  Harrison Yes, right, I voted in 14 and then I ran down the corridor to 10 to vote there and –

  Serjeant Just as / I was closing the door.

  Atkins Just as the doors were being closed, and locked, as is the custom –

  Weatherill As is the law. Committee room doors must be closed and locked during a vote and –

  Atkins And he didn’t make it –

  Harrison And I did bloody make it!

  Serjeant A sizeable chunk of Mr Harrison did make it, Mr Speaker.

  Cocks / Harrison See.

  Speaker Si – a ‘sizeable’ chunk, you say? Which chunk?

  Harrison My whole body, both arms, and my left leg, but my right leg got caught i
n the door as he was closing it. / Look, I’ve got a bruise and everything –

  Atkins And then he wouldn’t leave so that the doors could be closed –

  Harrison Because I’d made it into the room. Look at that, see, purple, like a peach. Ouch.

  Speaker What was the vote without Mr Harrison?

  Cocks / Serjeant 22 to 22.

  Speaker Serjeant, would you say that the overwhelming majority of Mr Harrison was inside the committee room?

  Serjeant Well. Uh, yes, I suppose I would, Mr Speaker.

  Speaker Very well, I declare the vote for the government, 22 to 22 and three quarters.

  Cocks / Harrison Haha!

  Atkins / Weatherill 22 and three quarters?!

  Speaker I have spoken, chalk it up. (Sighs.) I look forward to seeing that one in the history books. (Exits.)

  Atkins Oh really, you two, passing legislation by three quarters of a person now, that really is the living end.

  Cocks Oh bugger off, Humphrey, you deliberately timed the votes for Walter to miss one. We beat you, that’s the end of it, so sucks boo to you. (Blows a raspberry, exiting.)

  Atkins Oh, and a raspberry as well – we really are in the playground, aren’t we? (Exiting.)

  Harrison (to Weatherill) Well. That’s another first, any road.

  Weatherill (beat; smiles as he turns to leave) Well done, Walter. Nicely played.

  Opposition Whips’ Office. Atkins, Weatherill, Silvester and Esher sitting in a circle.

  Atkins Alright. New tactic. This has become a war of attrition; both sides dug into their trenches, neither making headway. To our credit, they’re exhausted. After late-night debates we have no appointments until business begins at 2.30 p.m. the next day, but Government ministers have to be in their departments first thing, so, it’s time to employ the age-old tactic of, quite simply, Wearing Them Out.

  Weatherill We’ve crafted a rota of our chaps who will come in for what is essentially ‘nightshift work’, making long speeches, ask an interminable amount of questions. They’ll have to hold their members back in case we call a vote, which we’ll never do, thus getting their members furious at their own whips for the incorrigible hours.

  Silvester So it’s basic Somme tactics then, yes? We keep them on their toes for a charge that never comes, until they’re completely caught off guard when the big push does happen.

  Esher It’s stamina, what? Everything is won on stamina, who can last the longest before raising the flag. Saw it in the eyes of the chaps I was with in Fontanellato. Prisoners of war. Everything in their mind, body, focused on getting through each day at a time.

  Silvester Really? Colonel? God, I had no idea. Prisoner of … of which war?

  Esher Which war, what do you mean which war? The war.

  Silvester Yes, I know, sorry, I just, I wondered, you know … First, Second, Korean, Suez –

  Esher Please do not list them as though they were flavours of ice cream. (Pause.) Which war, it was the war, where I spent nine months in a camp, and every sunrise was assumed to be one’s last, where there were moments I believed I would not live and where there were moments, I believe, I did not want to. You ask me which war, sir, it was the war. Sir.

  And don’t slouch. Right, brandy, I think, before the bugle sounds. (Exits.)

  Silvester I can’t believe I still haven’t got the, the hang, of getting on side with men from … like that, from –

  Weatherill You will.

  Silvester It’s not my fault that I’m young. I can’t help it that I currently find myself being young.

  Weatherill No, it isn’t. (Holding him a file.) But what a lovely problem to have.

  Tea Room.

  Taylor with Coventry South West. A spectacled Geordie lady. Outwardly meek.

  Coventry South West Isn’t it funny how the Prime Minister of a country can just change like that, without an election. Strange if you ask me. Shame we didn’t get the one we wanted. (At her cup.) Gosh, look at these. Not from a bring and buy, are they, wonder who’s paid for them.

  Taylor So this is just a little feedback, just some observations and thoughts from your performances in the House.

  Coventry South West Feedback? Who from?

  Taylor Well, us, the Whips.

  Coventry South West Why? Sorry, I’m not being rude dear, I just don’t understand.

  Taylor Just on behalf of the Party, some support.

  Coventry South West The Party? Oh, well, you know. I just say what I think, that’s all.

  Taylor We certainly admire you ability to speak your mind. Specially in a boys’ club like this.

  Coventry South West Doesn’t bother me, dear, got two of ’em at home.

  Taylor Obviously we’ve noticed some of your abstentions on key votes. And then … well, then some votes against us, which is difficult, being in a minority anyway.

  Coventry South West Yes, sorry about that, they just weren’t quite up my street.

  Taylor Well. We all have to compromise occasionally, for the Party, and the greater good.

  Coventry South West Oh. Do we? I just vote the way I think best.

  Taylor Yes, and you seem to be able to take others with you, some of the younger, newer members. I have to say, your manner of speech-making is very, erm, very ‘persuasive’.

  Coventry South West Oh, ta very much. Yes, I developed this little thing on the picket lines, you know, going up at the end of my sentences. Seems to go down well, gets people going.

  ‘We must fight to beat those who tread on the working PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY, DENYING THEM THE RIGHT TO A DECENT …

  (Breaking off.) You know, that sort of thing. (Sips her tea.)

  Taylor Yes, well I don’t mean to lay down the law. But we must be on the lookout for rebels.

  Coventry South West Oh yes, of course you must, pet. I know all about rebels. I’m not long back from Portugal, you know, over the summer. We managed to bring down the junta.

  Taylor ‘Managed … ’? Come off it, the revolution?

  Coventry South West Well it was either that or the Lakes, dear. (Lifts her tea, smiling.)

  The Commons Chamber.

  The Members sing a choral version of ‘Five Years’ by David Bowie. As they’re announced, those named stand … and die.

  Speaker The Member for Thurrock! … The Member for Ilford North!

  Thurrock trips and tumbles through the air; Ilford North struggles to take in air through a mask (other members help in creating these effects).

  Parliamentary Archive. Victoria Tower.

  Harrison shows Weatherill in.

  Weatherill The Archives? Hell’s teeth, Walter, I’ve got to be down in the Chamber in –

  Harrison Look, just wanted somewhere private, right, beyond prying eyes. And … well, this is where I come, sometimes. Get away, bit of space. Quiet.

  Weatherill Really. (Looking around.) I never really liked it in here.

  Harrison Over a million Parliamentary bills. Ever single law of the land that was ever passed, signed by the Queen. Rolled up and stuffed in ’ere.

  Weatherill Well, not been many of those recently.

  Harrison And whose fault is that? Come on, Jack, it’s bad enough you’re keeping everyone up all hours of the night now. Open up the usual channels again, bring pairing back. These are old men. And not like your lot, men who’ve worked, who’ve been down pits, who’ve –

  Weatherill Oh, please, and it’s got nothing to do with the amount of ale sunk in the Strangers’ every night, has it? And don’t think we don’t see the way the crows fly. Working class? What about Southampton Test – an Oxford law don. Lichfield and Tamworth, lecturer; Lancaster North, barrister. Must be getting you worried, I’ll bet? With your ‘ee by gum’, northern brute shtick. All this ‘middle classing’, you’d better learn to genteel yourself up a bit. Classical music and fine wine. Don’t want to be growing out of touch.

  Harrison Out of touch, me?! Oh yeah, ’cause it’s pure accident how I hold this fragile r
agbag collection together, in’t it? Nothing to do with being able to connect on all levels with –

  Weatherill Oh gosh, yes, I know that, ‘the best Deputy the House has ever seen’, with all members, from all walks of life, yes, Walter, I know that.

  A beat – he hadn’t meant that to come out so bitterly …

  Harrison … Well, ay up, if it’s true for me, you’re going the other way. Chingford for a start, he’s an egg-and-chips man. And shopkeepers’ daughters, builders, blimey. Are you ready?

  Weatherill … Yes. Well.

  Harrison Jack. Look, I … we get on, don’t we? Don’t we? Please. Open up the channels. Let’s get this place moving, working again. Eh, I’ll up the bet. (Offers his hand.) Come on.

  Weatherill You don’t get it, do you. We’re not playing any more.

  Government Whips’ Office. Early hours of the morning. On the board it now reads ‘–4’.

  Harper nodding off in his chair. Cocks enters with coffees, waking him. Newham North East following behind.

  Speaker The Member for Newham North East!

  Newham North East It’s becoming intolerable, Michael.

  Cocks Reg, I get it, I understand. (Handing the coffee.) Joe, look alive.

  Newham North East It’s this Militant Left lot, honestly, I don’t know how they’ve done it, but they’ve, they’ve sabotaged my local party, and they’re close, they’re that close I swear, from de-selecting me, unless I – what? – unless I start calling for revolution. The guillotine! I mean, I didn’t even consider myself that much on the right, not like, like, well –

  Cocks Reg, I know it’s hard, it’s … look, I’ve got the, the Tribune group, the Trotskyites, the Moderates, it’s the Mad Hatter’s bloody tea party, Labour, right now, I’m just trying to keep the plates spinning, please all of the people at least some of the bloody time –

  Newham North East It’s a time bomb, this, Michael, / I’m warning you.

  Cocks We’ll talk, Reg. We’ll talk.

  Newham North East sighs. Leaves, unconvinced.

  Harper Owt happening in there?

  Cocks Abingdon is quizzing Agriculture, difference between North Sea and Mediterranean tuna.

  Harper North Sea … ? There aren’t any tuna in the North sea.

  Cocks There … ? You joking? Oh for … (Begins scribbling on notepaper.)