This House (Modern Plays)

by James Graham

  Cocks Right. Sit down. Let’s get this drafted, shall we –

  Coventry South West strides over and sits, opening her handbag. She takes out a coin and places it on the desk. Then another. And another … continuing with smaller denominations. When she’s done, she closes her handbag, stands, and calmly strides out. Silence.

  Harrison That was pretty fucking good, actually.

  St Mary’s Crypt.

  Speaker The Member for Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles!

  Peebles and Taylor.

  Peebles Is it ever possible to get a moment’s peace, I wonder.

  Taylor Things are changing. Our side … we wanted to get in touch with your side. Formally. But … privately.

  Peebles You mean ‘secretly’. (Standing.) Well, Miss Taylor. Where would you like to talk, and what would you like to talk about?

  The Chamber.

  Speaker The question is, the Leader of the House’s Allocation of Time motion on the Scotland and Wales Bill … Ayes to the right, 283 … Noes to the left … 312. The Noes have it!

  Opposition Whips’ Office. Atkins, Weatherill Silvester and Esher come in laughing, singing ‘You take the high road, and I’ll take the low road’, each performing Highland flings of sorts.

  Atkins Well, gentlemen, thanks to the Government’s own failed stab at a Highland fling, ha ha, I, uh, I think we can safely say their flagship Bill is dead in the water. And so –

  Cocks (knocks and enters) I thought I’d come over myself, save you the bother.

  Atkins Oh Michael, it would have been no bother, but nevertheless, here you are. (Pulling out a document.) And so it is, Mr Cocks, with of course deep regret, that I present – I think we should all be standing for this, Fred, Colonel? – that I present to you a motion of censure … ‘That this House has no confidence in Her Majesty’s Government’. With regret, of course.

  Cocks takes it.

  Atkins (opening up his diary) Shall we?

  Cocks Vote on the Wednesday 23rd, 10 p.m.?

  Atkins Yes, that’s what we thought. Great minds, eh?

  He offers his hand. Cocks shakes it, and exits into –

  The Lobby. Looking at the censure motion, and at his surroundings. Up to the clock.

  Harrison (joining Cocks) Scot and Welsh Nats been in touch, with no Devolution Bill timetable they’ll have to vote against us, leaving us around 312 to 320. We’d be out.

  Cocks So we have no choice then. Plan B.

  Harrison Plan B. Let’s see them stick this up their pipe and smoke it.

  Opposition Whips’ Office. Papers everywhere, the Whips scribbling, pacing, totting up.

  Esher (entering with a whisky) Quick, get yourself to the Strangers’, it’s a free bar.

  Atkins Free bar on the eve of a No Confidence vote? Why, they’d make a killing.

  Esher No, it’s the, the, what’s his name, Tweedale. Liberal – hah, right ‘liberal’ with his coins, say that much, put a wodge behind the bar and told us to go guns blazing.

  Weatherill (lowers his reports) You what? Why?

  Esher Dunno old boy, probably to say sorry for running over, I expect. We’re meant to be in Room D, but some all-party Liberal meeting thing running over. Something. I don’t know.

  Atkins Li – . . Liberal Pa – We didn’t know this, why didn’t we know this, what are they meet – On the day of a …

  He slams his documents down. Looks at Weatherill

  Weatherill … surely not.

  Beat. En masse they charge out of the room, except Esher, who slumps down.

  Government Whips’ Office. All the Whips there.

  Harrison Why hasn’t Peebles phoned yet? Must be close, maybe tied. Sod it, I’m going up.

  Taylor Walter, you can’t just storm into a Liberal Party meeting, you’re a Labour Whip!

  Harrison Watch me – (Opens the door.)

  Atkins (in the doorway) What are you up to?

  Harrison Shit – (Slams the door shut, locks it.) They’re on to us.

  Atkins (off, behind the door) Don’t be silly, Walter, let me in!

  Harrison Ha ha, what you gonna do, huff and puff and blow this house down?

  Atkins (entering) No, just use my key.

  Cocks / Harrison / Harper Oi!

  Harrison Where do you get that key from?

  Atkins Never you mind. Cocks? / What are you up to?

  Cocks Er, excuse me, who the hell do you think you are, coming in here?

  Harrison Piss off, the pair of you – sorry, Ann.

  Taylor Get the FUCK OUT of this office, now!

  Atkins (flinching back) Alright old girl, steady on.

  Cocks (phone rings) Everyone shut it! (Answers.) Hello? Yes … oh. Oh right … aha … (More solemn. Sighs.) Yes, I understand. (Phone down.)

  Harrison Well, what is it?

  Cocks walks slowly into the room, turning to face his team … before whipping around in an explosion of laughter, pointing in a ‘ner-ner’ way at the Opposition Whips.

  Cocks Aaaaaah – HA HA HA HA HA!

  Harrison They went for it?!

  Cocks A Liberal-Labour pact, my friend! Signed, sealed and fucking delivered! GET SOME IN!

  Harrison / Harper YES!

  Atkins You can’t do that!

  Harrison (running to the board with his chalk) So what’s that, all thirteen?!

  Cocks (totting it up with him) All thirteen, that’s a whole baker’s dozen off their tally and a big fat bakers dozen on to our side, that’s a majority of – (Replaces ‘ –7’ with ‘+ 18’.) Eighteen! Ha ha! Our two parties, walking into the lobby together, two by two, by two by two –

  Harrison ‘The animals went in two by two, hurrah, hurrah!’

  Cocks starts singing along as well, as he and Harrison link arms for a makeshift hoedown, joined by Taylor and Harper who start to sing as well.

  Seething, Atkins rolls his eyes and leaves, followed by the others – Weatherill last, who can’t help but smile at their silly celebration.

  The Chamber. The Members take up the song, to the tune of ‘When Johnny Came Marching Home Again’, as the clock appears slowly above them.

  Members

  ‘The animals went in two by two,

  The elephant and the kangaroo,

  And they all went into the ark,

  For to get out of the rain.’

  The Clock Tower Cocks with Clockmaker.

  Cocks And you’re sure it won’t happen again soon?

  Clockmaker Oh I wouldn’t think so. These things are built to last, Mr Cocks. Just need a bit of love and attention every now again, know what I mean?! (Shouting down through a hole.) Alright, let her go!

  A grinding and squealing of gears before, gradually, the hands of the big clock begin to turn. Cocks stands staring up at them. Beaming …

  Members

  ‘The animals went in three by three,

  The wasp, the ant and the bumble bee,

  And they all went into the ark,

  For to get out of the rain.’

  Scene Four

  Committee Room 7. Dead of night.

  Cocks creeps in, feeling through the darkness to an armchair. He takes off his jacket and leans back. Atkins appears, waking from under a blanket on the sofa, turning on the lamp.

  Cocks (hushed) Oh, shit, sorry. Humphrey? Didn’t know you were in here.

  Atkins No, that’s alright. (Yawns.) Just having forty winks. Time is it, they still at it?

  Cocks Yeah, no thanks to you. I’ll go to Committee Room 10, they have a sofa in there.

  Atkins No, honestly, don’t. I’m awake now.

  Cock (noticing another Member lying in a chair under a blanket) One of yours?

  Atkins No. Liberal?

  Cocks No. (Beat.) Shall we call the police?

  Atkins (smiles) I’d better get back.

  Cocks This could all end, you know. We now sit for more hours in this Parliament than any in the world. Thanks to you.

  Atkins Well, you could always t
hrow in the towel. (Sitting closer. Stretching, rubbing his face.) It’s not on, Michael. Being propped up without a majority. Undemocratic; no one voted for it.

  Cocks Oh, and trying to kick out the elected Government of the day is democratic.

  Atkins Having to compromise with the Liberals all the time? Heavens, you really are the nonconformist minister’s son, aren’t you? (Off his look.) Oh yes, you have a file you know. If you have a past, you have a file.

  Cocks I fail to see what my father’s profession has to do with anything –

  Atkins Refusal to align with any particular church, plant your flag in any one camp.

  Cocks I happen to be quite at peace with it, Humphrey. In fact I rather think we would do better as a House, a system, if we cooperated more together. Maybe it’s the way forward.

  Atkins Do you know how many divisions you’ve lost, you and your team, in the ‘glorious age of compromise and cooperation’? Macmillan’s government, they didn’t lose any, neither did Eden’s. Heath’s, I regret to say, lost six. You lot? Thus far?

  Cocks Do enlighten me, Humphrey –

  Atkins Fifty-six. A record, I might add. Fifty-six failed attempts … to govern.

  Cocks …

  Atkins One Party governs, and one Party opposes. That’s our system. That’s this building. In Rome, Senators sat in a circle, together; in Italy, and Germany, France, America, they sit in an amphitheatre. All looking the same way. This place is literally built to facilitate oppositional politics. Two sides of the House. Facing off against each other. You know the gap between the Government bench and the Opposition in the Commons was measured to be exactly the width of two swords drawn. Their tips, touching. We’re not built for cooperation.

  Cocks God, such a Tory – such an innate, instinctive Tory inability to, to ‘share’. To ‘join in’. Conservative Britain, eh. ‘As long as I’m alright, that’s all that counts’.

  Atkins Ah yes, Labour Britain. ‘Yes, it’s shit – but at least it’s equally shit for everyone.’

  My God, yes, what about what I fought for, what I literally went to war for, hm? To fight against the attack on liberties by the State, of, of trying to manipulate and recalibrate a country with a heavy hand, regardless of what it means for freedom and the right to choose.

  Cocks I’m just saying maybe it’s time for a new kind of politics. A cooperative kind.

  Atkins People have said that for centuries, and yet onwards we roll. Britain doesn’t have a constitution, it has traditions. What do you think it’s all for, mm? The pomp, the gentlemen’s agreements? It’s these silly customs and rules that we cling to in a storm. And it’s enough.

  Cocks Well, if I recall, nobody gave us a month when we started this little experiment. And yet here we are. Still bobbing up and down on the surface.

  Atkins Yes. Well. (Raising his glass.) Here’s to your final breaths.

  The Members’ Lobby. Newham North East and Cocks.

  Speaker The Member for Newham North East!

  Cocks Reg! For God’s sake –

  Newham North East No, don’t give me that! I warned you, Michael, my local party, that’s it, I’m out, I’m done.

  Cocks Fine, fine, fine, just for Christ’s sake, can you at least become independent, a cross-bencher, you don’t have to go and join the enemy ranks!

  Newham North East Everyone needs somewhere to go, Michael.

  Cocks I’ve never heard the like! Crossing the floor to become a Tory!

  Newham North East I warned you about this, Michael. You’ve lost control. The party’s collapsing in on itself. It’s over …

  Newham North East crosses the lobby. Atkins and Weatherill are there, welcoming him into their office.

  Atkins Welcome. Let’s get your settled in, shall we?

  Government Whips’ Office. Taylor and Harrison, who is holding the baby.

  Taylor You’re very good with him.

  Harrison Big family. One of ten, me.

  Taylor You’re kidding. Explains at lot.

  Harper bursts in. He’s breathless; coughing occasionally.

  Harper I got him! I got the bastard! Stockport North, my rebel, stick him down on the list for the Broadcasting Bill. Turns out he’s a trainspotter, got him on the Railways Committee, didn’t I, that and a new carpet for his corridor. I bloody got ’im.

  Taylor You alright though, Joe? Have a seat, you look –

  Cocks (entering) Right! Cabinet’s come to an agreement with the Liberals – we’re having another stab at devolution. The concessions, this time it’s two separate bills, one for Wales, one for Scotland, and the ‘R’ word again – referendum. Ask the people if they want it or not. If they do, the House can’t very well ignore it, can they? Get it in through the back door.

  Taylor Actually I think you’ll find that’s the front door.

  Harrison Bad feeling about this, Michael, it’s this what nearly booted us out last time –

  Cocks Well, sod it, what else are we in politics for if not to do stuff we believe in. I’ve told the PM we’ll get it through. And with the polls turning in our favour …

  Taylor (with a newspaper) Wage cap’s gone down surprisingly well. Who knew the British could be so reasonable?

  Harrison Yeah, give it till winter.

  Taylor, Cocks and Harrison exit, leaving Harper alone. He coughs some more, having a glass of water … and suddenly drops it on the table, leaning forward clutching at his chest. Panting … he sits. Calms. A look of acceptance … He picks up the phone …

  Harper Not here … (Dials. Then on the phone.) Mary? … Y – yeah, stick kettle on. I’m coming home …

  He puts the phone down and stands. Wagner’s Tannhäuser begins to play from the record player again, as Harper stands as best he can and does up his tie.

  Harper No one dies in the palace …

  He exits, as the music swells –

  The Chamber. The Members stand as they’re called to die …

  Speaker The Member for Grimsby … Glasgow Garscadden … Lambeth Central!

  Grimsby collapses with a brain haemorrhage … Glasgow Garscadden has a heart attack … Lambeth Central tumbles forward.

  Speaker The Member for Hamilton … The Member for Penistone … Manchester Moss Side … Berwick and East Lothian … Liverpool Edge Hill … Derbyshire North East …

  The Member for Pontefract …

  Hamilton falls forward, Penistone falls back. Manchester Moss Side has a fit on the floor, Berwick and East Lothian grabs his arm, Liverpool Edge Hill tumbles over, Derbyshire North East is ‘driving’ as lights approach him head on and he flies through the air in a crash … and Pontefract is Joe, watching Terrace scene appear as he fades.

  At the board, Harrison replaces the totals with 323 to 309.

  The Terrace. A memorial. Black suits and ties. Drinks.

  Harrison Warm beer, he would have enjoyed this.

  Cocks Twenty-two. Twenty-two dead since we got in. All Labour. Another wonderful record.

  Harrison Who could have predicted?

  Cocks He did. Walsall North. He saw it.

  Harrison Oh, this again. Michael –

  Cocks He saw something …

  Harrison … Well. (Stubs his fag out.) I didn’t think the coalition would die so quickly.

  Cocks Been a year. Couldn’t last for ever.

  Harrison (smokes) Oh well. Back to hung again. Feels like a divorce. And they get the kids.

  Cocks Yeah, and I should know. (Smokes. Looks.) Oh don’t make out you didn’t know.

  Harrison Still. I’m … sorry, that, it must be … hard going.

  Cocks Make a little note in my file, did you, when you heard the rumours? Oh, don’t look so bloody awkward. I’ve written plenty in yours over the years.

  Harrison What, ‘Too bloody handsome for his own good’?

  Cocks Oh yes, ‘Has dangerous delusion of grandeur. And is an awkward bloody bastard’.

  Laughs. Stops. Takes a deep breath. Holds his hand to his mouth
. Struggling …

  Beat. beat. Harrison puts a hand under his arm.

  Harrison … Pub?

  Cocks Oh fff – (Looks around, suddenly aware.) … Ffolkestone South, yes.

  Scene Five

  The Westminster Clock looms large, hands turning. Sound snippets of new footage from the Winter of 1978–79: the Lib-Lab pact draws to its end, the coldest winter in memory, strikes due to wage restraints. Scotland and Wales go to the polls on devolution …

  Members’ Lobby. Atkins, Weatherill and Silvester pacing into the centre to face Cocks, Harrison and Taylor

  Atkins Here we are then. Following yet another failure on Devolution, we shall present our motion of censure, No Confidence in your Government, blah, blah, blah, you get the point. Next Wednesday for the vote?

  Cocks The 28th? Fine.

  Atkins Fine. Such a shame the snow kept voters at home on the referendum. Still. That’s the British weather. Never changes.

  They turn and separate at speed.

  Atkins Right, this is the big one chaps! We’ve got them on the ropes! One final push!

  The Commons Chamber. An explosion of action as the Members leave the banks of seats in pandemonium, grabbing each other, snippets of questions above the din – ‘Which way are you going?’ – ‘Do you think the government will fall?’ – fading under news sound bites – ‘Only or one or two votes in it’ – ‘Bookmakers shortening their odds?’ – ‘Will a general election be called?’ – as the Westminster clock face appears, the hands turning at a frantic speed.

  Government Whips’ Office.

  Harrison gets a phone call from Lady Batley, away in her own space.

  Lady Batley Walter? It’s Lady Broughton.

  Harrison Lad – Is it the Doc, is he OK?

  Lady Batley Look, we know this one’s going to be tight, one or two in it, and I’m … I’m worried you’re going to ask him because if you ask him, he’ll come, and if he comes … I’m worried he won’t make it. Walter.

  Harrison …

  Lady Batley I know how important it is, I do. It’s been his life. Our bloody life. But … please. Maybe this time. Maybe don’t ask him. This time. Please, Walter. I’ve got to go –

  She hangs up. As does Harrison, as Cocks and Taylor enter at pace. On the board: ‘–16’