Indiscretions of Archie

by P. G. Wodehouse

  CHAPTER III. MR. BREWSTER DELIVERS SENTENCE

  At about the same moment that Professor Binstead was clicking his tonguein Mr. Brewster's sitting-room, Archie Moffam sat contemplating hisbride in a drawing-room on the express from Miami. He was thinking thatthis was too good to be true. His brain had been in something of awhirl these last few days, but this was one thought that never failed toemerge clearly from the welter.

  Mrs. Archie Moffam, nee Lucille Brewster, was small and slender. Shehad a little animated face, set in a cloud of dark hair. She was soaltogether perfect that Archie had frequently found himself compelledto take the marriage-certificate out of his inside pocket and study itfurtively, to make himself realise that this miracle of good fortune hadactually happened to him.

  "Honestly, old bean--I mean, dear old thing,--I mean, darling," saidArchie, "I can't believe it!"

  "What?"

  "What I mean is, I can't understand why you should have married ablighter like me."

  Lucille's eyes opened. She squeezed his hand.

  "Why, you're the most wonderful thing in the world, precious!--Surelyyou know that?"

  "Absolutely escaped my notice. Are you sure?"

  "Of course I'm sure! You wonder-child! Nobody could see you withoutloving you!"

  Archie heaved an ecstatic sigh. Then a thought crossed his mind. It wasa thought which frequently came to mar his bliss.

  "I say, I wonder if your father will think that!"

  "Of course he will!"

  "We rather sprung this, as it were, on the old lad," said Archiedubiously. "What sort of a man IS your father?"

  "Father's a darling, too."

  "Rummy thing he should own that hotel," said Archie. "I had a frightfulrow with a blighter of a manager there just before I left for Miami.Your father ought to sack that chap. He was a blot on the landscape!"

  It had been settled by Lucille during the journey that Archie should bebroken gently to his father-in-law. That is to say, instead of boundingblithely into Mr. Brewster's presence hand in hand, the happy pairshould separate for half an hour or so, Archie hanging around in theoffing while Lucille saw her father and told him the whole story, orthose chapters of it which she had omitted from her letter for want ofspace. Then, having impressed Mr. Brewster sufficiently with his luck inhaving acquired Archie for a son-in-law, she would lead him to where hisbit of good fortune awaited him.

  The programme worked out admirably in its earlier stages. When the twoemerged from Mr. Brewster's room to meet Archie, Mr. Brewster's generalidea was that fortune had smiled upon him in an almost unbelievablefashion and had presented him with a son-in-law who combined in almostequal parts the more admirable characteristics of Apollo, Sir Galahad,and Marcus Aurelius. True, he had gathered in the course of theconversation that dear Archie had no occupation and no private means;but Mr. Brewster felt that a great-souled man like Archie didn't needthem. You can't have everything, and Archie, according to Lucille'saccount, was practically a hundred per cent man in soul, looks, manners,amiability, and breeding. These are the things that count. Mr. Brewsterproceeded to the lobby in a glow of optimism and geniality.

  Consequently, when he perceived Archie, he got a bit of a shock.

  "Hullo--ullo--ullo!" said Archie, advancing happily.

  "Archie, darling, this is father," said Lucille.

  "Good Lord!" said Archie.

  There was one of those silences. Mr. Brewster looked at Archie. Archiegazed at Mr. Brewster. Lucille, perceiving without understanding whythat the big introduction scene had stubbed its toe on some unlooked-forobstacle, waited anxiously for enlightenment. Meanwhile, Archiecontinued to inspect Mr. Brewster, and Mr. Brewster continued to drinkin Archie.

  After an awkward pause of about three and a quarter minutes, Mr.Brewster swallowed once or twice, and finally spoke.

  "Lu!"

  "Yes, father?"

  "Is this true?"

  Lucille's grey eyes clouded over with perplexity and apprehension.

  "True?"

  "Have you really inflicted this--THIS on me for a son-in-law?" Mr.Brewster swallowed a few more times, Archie the while watching witha frozen fascination the rapid shimmying of his new relative'sAdam's-apple. "Go away! I want to have a few words alone withthis--This--WASSYOURDAMNAME?" he demanded, in an overwrought manner,addressing Archie for the first time.

  "I told you, father. It's Moom."

  "Moom?"

  "It's spelt M-o-f-f-a-m, but pronounced Moom."

  "To rhyme," said Archie, helpfully, "with Bluffinghame."

  "Lu," said Mr. Brewster, "run away! I want to speak to-to-to--"

  "You called me THIS before," said Archie.

  "You aren't angry, father, dear?" said Lucilla.

  "Oh no! Oh no! I'm tickled to death!"

  When his daughter had withdrawn, Mr. Brewster drew a long breath.

  "Now then!" he said.

  "Bit embarrassing, all this, what!" said Archie, chattily. "I meanto say, having met before in less happy circs. and what not. Rumcoincidence and so forth! How would it be to bury the jolly oldhatchet--start a new life--forgive and forget--learn to love eachother--and all that sort of rot? I'm game if you are. How do we go? Isit a bet?"

  Mr. Brewster remained entirely unsoftened by this manly appeal to hisbetter feelings.

  "What the devil do you mean by marrying my daughter?"

  Archie reflected.

  "Well, it sort of happened, don't you know! You know how these thingsARE! Young yourself once, and all that. I was most frightfully in love,and Lu seemed to think it wouldn't be a bad scheme, and one thing led toanother, and--well, there you are, don't you know!"

  "And I suppose you think you've done pretty well for yourself?"

  "Oh, absolutely! As far as I'm concerned, everything's topping! I'venever felt so braced in my life!"

  "Yes!" said Mr. Brewster, with bitterness, "I suppose, from yourview-point, everything IS 'topping.' You haven't a cent to your name,and you've managed to fool a rich man's daughter into marrying you. Isuppose you looked me up in Bradstreet before committing yourself?"

  This aspect of the matter had not struck Archie until this moment.

  "I say!" he observed, with dismay. "I never looked at it like thatbefore! I can see that, from your point of view, this must look like abit of a wash-out!"

  "How do you propose to support Lucille, anyway?"

  Archie ran a finger round the inside of his collar. He felt embarrassed,His father-in-law was opening up all kinds of new lines of thought.

  "Well, there, old bean," he admitted, frankly, "you rather have me!"He turned the matter over for a moment. "I had a sort of idea of, as itwere, working, if you know what I mean."

  "Working at what?"

  "Now, there again you stump me somewhat! The general scheme was that Ishould kind of look round, you know, and nose about and buzz to and frotill something turned up. That was, broadly speaking, the notion!"

  "And how did you suppose my daughter was to live while you were doingall this?"

  "Well, I think," said Archie, "I THINK we rather expected YOU to rallyround a bit for the nonce!"

  "I see! You expected to live on me?"

  "Well, you put it a bit crudely, but--as far as I had mapped anythingout--that WAS what you might call the general scheme of procedure. Youdon't think much of it, what? Yes? No?"

  Mr. Brewster exploded.

  "No! I do not think much of it! Good God! You go out of my hotel--MYhotel--calling it all the names you could think of--roasting it to beatthe band--"

  "Trifle hasty!" murmured Archie, apologetically. "Spoke withoutthinking. Dashed tap had gone DRIP-DRIP-DRIP all night--kept meawake--hadn't had breakfast--bygones be bygones--!"

  "Don't interrupt! I say, you go out of my hotel, knocking it as no onehas ever knocked it since it was built, and you sneak straight off andmarry my daughter without my knowledge."

  "Did think of wiring for blessing. Slipped the old bean, somehow. Youknow how one for
gets things!"

  "And now you come back and calmly expect me to fling my arms round youand kiss you, and support you for the rest of your life!"

  "Only while I'm nosing about and buzzing to and fro."

  "Well, I suppose I've got to support you. There seems no way out ofit. I'll tell you exactly what I propose to do. You think my hotel isa pretty poor hotel, eh? Well, you'll have plenty of opportunity ofjudging, because you're coming to live here. I'll let you have a suiteand I'll let you have your meals, but outside of that--nothing doing!Nothing doing! Do you understand what I mean?"

  "Absolutely! You mean, 'Napoo!'"

  "You can sign bills for a reasonable amount in my restaurant, and thehotel will look after your laundry. But not a cent do you get out me.And, if you want your shoes shined, you can pay for it yourself inthe basement. If you leave them outside your door, I'll instruct thefloor-waiter to throw them down the air-shaft. Do you understand? Good!Now, is there anything more you want to ask?"

  Archie smiled a propitiatory smile.

  "Well, as a matter of fact, I was going to ask if you would staggeralong and have a bite with us in the grill-room?"

  "I will not!"

  "I'll sign the bill," said Archie, ingratiatingly. "You don't think muchof it? Oh, right-o!"