Slower

by Deana Birch

I lit some candles, and the Velvet Underground played softly in the background. We managed to avoid talking about the night before and instead kept the conversation about our schedules and the trip to Hawaii with his family. After presenting him with his mom’s chocolate cake, I gave him his present. It was a framed silkscreen print called Music Kills Death. His big smile and immediate desire to hang it assured me I’d found the right gift. But it couldn’t hold a candle to what he’d given me on my birthday.

  That song, one I’d heard in Stella’s house since I was a child, was the proof that Jake understood me. The fact that he’d learned all the lyrics in French, and sung them spot on with his raspy voice, meant everything to me. My offering of artwork was nothing compared to the glimpse he’d shown me of his soul.

  We opened a second bottle of wine, and Jake filled my glass then padded off to the couch as I finished the dishes. When the kitchen was clean, I found Jake passed out, small snores seeping from his open mouth. I returned to the kitchen, grabbed my smokes, and finished my glass of red poolside and alone.

  It was a pretty shitty thing not to look forward to a Hawaiian vacation. But with the unsure future of my relationship, the angst about spending time with my boyfriend’s overly friendly family, plus all the travel I had to do— everything added up to me being less than pumped.

  It wasn’t that there was anything wrong with the Rileys. Yes, Jake’s mom was beyond interested in all things Louana, but that wasn’t a fault. Their family dynamic was foreign to me. They were so close and knew everything about each other. My family consisted of three independent women spread out across the globe. And even though we were close emotionally, we each had our own lives, and they rarely overlapped.

  Jake’s brother worked with his dad and his mom still ironed her younger son’s shirts. My boyfriend was a version of himself that didn’t compute to me when they were around. They were a tight-knit unit. Stella, my mom, and I relied on manners and avoidance. The Rileys were about inside jokes and full disclosure. Perhaps I was jealous, but I also understood I was not part of their team.

  After all meeting at LAX, our plane landed in Honolulu. There was another flight to Maui, and we were finally at the hotel by late afternoon. We separated into our rooms and decided to meet in the lobby before going out to dinner.

  In the spacious room overlooking the ocean, I unpacked and Jake chatted about the whale-watching tour we were signed up for the following day. I listened but didn’t ask any questions.

  Finally, he paused. “You’re quiet.”

  “Am I?” I shrugged my shoulders. “Maybe I’m just decompressing. I think I’ll have a bath.”

  As the tub filled, I closed the bathroom door behind me and slipped into the warm water. Jake was too caught up in his planning to question me any further, and I wasn’t sure it bothered me.

  At dinner, outside on the hotel patio, it was more of the same. I kept my conversation light, commenting on the food and the beautiful surroundings.

  “I still can’t believe you wrote that song …” Jake’s brother, Simon, shook his head and sipped the last of his fruity drink.

  “Is it really about sex, Jacob?” Linda asked. She was probably still hoping the song was about driving a car like the video suggested.

  “Yep. Sorry, Mom.” Jake’s eyebrows jumped in innuendo.

  I studied my boyfriend’s face. He and Simon were enjoying making their mother uncomfortable, but I doubted anyone outside of Jake, Shane, and me knew how uncomfortable it really could have been. It was possible Shane was delusional; either way, me revealing to Jake what he’d said wasn’t going to happen. After tense moments at the studio, The Spades had worked hard to get along with each other. I wasn’t about to tear them apart.

  “And you can tell us—sorry, Louana, I know it was before you—it was about some chick, though, right? You couldn’t have made all that shit up.” Simon eyed Jake with a tucked chin.

  “Fortunately for all of you, I have a vivid imagination.” Jake caught my frown and shot me a curious glance. I blinked down at my plate, then looked back to him and gave him a quick, fake, but reassuring smile. I turned to Jake’s dad and asked him about his favorite things to build.

  Our whale-watching excursion was leaving early, so we all headed back to our rooms.

  I kicked off my heels as Jake locked the door.

  “Hey …” Jake walked up behind me and pulled me back to him.

  “Mmm …” I closed my eyes. I wasn’t sure how I would survive three more days of the Riley family. I didn’t fit their mold. I didn’t know how to be. And Jake was right; I didn’t want to be with them. Guilt ate at me from all directions. I hated the time Hawaii was eating up; hated being away from Marseille—not just for Stella, for my mom and all the things we liked to do in France together. The markets, the shopping, the galleries—I wouldn’t have time for any of it. And I was sure I was the most ungrateful girlfriend in history.

  Jake circled his thumb over one of my nipples and his mouth worked its slow sensual assault on my neck. His other hand moved up my silk hem and squeezed my ass.

  “Take your dress off, baby,” he whispered in my ear.

  I turned around and searched his beautiful brown eyes. Things were so much easier when we were like this. When we were alone. When we both knew what we wanted and how to give it to the other. If only life could be this quiet.

  The next morning, when we arrived at the little dock for our excursion, everyone was handed a yellow life jacket, and we climbed aboard our little boat.

  “I’ve never been a fan of the water. But I made both the boys take swim lessons from an early age. Did Jake tell you he was on the swim team in high school?” Linda said as she eagerly clicked the belt across her chest. The gentle waves of the ocean rocked our small boat, and I tilted my head in interest.

  “Not much boating in Indiana, I bet.” Simon shot me a smile.

  “No, but I spent a lot of time boating in the South of France.”

  “Stella has a boat?” Jake raised an eyebrow.

  “No. A friend of hers does.” I doubted Jake would show his jealous side in front of his family and wondered why I had been so quick to hurt him. No one asked a follow-up question. My terse words and Jake’s tight lips were enough of an indication to let it be. When the guide spoke, it was a welcome distraction for all.

  Back at the shore, Linda was the first one to hop off and release herself from the life jacket. After the early rise, stressed nerves, and jet lag, Jake’s parents went to their room for a nap. Simon and Jake rented snorkeling gear, and I joined them on the pristine white sand beach. They hit the water, and I settled into my lounge chair. There were no questions to be answered, no fake smiles to be given, and I got lost in my book. After about an hour, I flipped over, untied the back of my bikini, and fell asleep.

  Jake’s wet, cold hands fumbling with the strings on my back returned me to reality.

  “This must be killing you. All this sun and no one to show your boobs to.” It wasn’t playful—in fact, it came off as mean spirited, but my bitchy remark about Dimitri had hung out in the air for hours.

  “You’re really gonna let one mention of him ruin your day?” I turned around and propped myself up on my elbows.

  Sand clung to his damp torso, and droplets of salt water glistened on his small patch of chest hair.

  “I know he wants you back.” Jake dug around in my bag, found the sunscreen, and flipped the top open.

  “How could you possibly know that? Have you been talking to him?” It was meant as a joke, but it didn’t spark any laughter.

  The cream sputtered into his open palm, and he rubbed it aimlessly on his face. “He’s probably counting down the hours until he sees you next week.” He snapped the bottle shut and tossed it back into my bag.

  “I seriously doubt it. Besides, he probably has a girlfriend. He’s rarely without arm candy.” I shrugged and remembered all the internet stalking I’d done after Dimitri and I had broken up. He had been lin
ked to many French models.

  “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

  I flopped back down in defeat. “I thought we were past this. You have got to drop it. As long as Stella is alive, he will be an inevitable part of my life from time to time. It can’t be avoided.”

  “I bet he loves that.”

  Simon came out of the water and joined us, putting the merciful kibosh on our topic of conversation. They stayed with me for a while, then decided on a beer and left for the bar. I couldn’t decide if I welcomed or hated the solitude.

  Shades of pink, blue, and purple greeted us on Christmas Eve. Standing up high on the volcano in the cold wind while witnessing Mother Nature’s magic painted in front of us was breathtaking—and well worth getting up in the middle of the night. When we got back down to the hotel, Jake and Simon needed to sleep off their cocktails from the night before, and their parents decided to go on a bus tour.

  With a moment to myself, and Jake nestled in bed, I stepped into the bathroom and closed the door to make my family Christmas calls.

  I called Stella first. The time difference was now twelve hours and I wanted to get her before it got too late. She knew I was in Hawaii with my boyfriend’s family but was still blissfully unaware said boyfriend and I were cohabitating in Los Angeles. She had not been happy when my mother had taken the bullet for me and had told her we wouldn’t be coming until after Christmas. Stella was frustrated that she had to spend the holiday alone and couldn’t understand why I would go to Hawaii with someone else’s family at a time when we were meant to be together. I had broken tradition and would need to tread lightly to mend the situation.

  Nonetheless, she was glad to take my call and quick to inform me she wasn’t alone after all. The Le Clercs had included her for their meal, and as a matter of fact, she was still there and having a lovely chat with Dimitri about my life in Los Angeles. I saw the diameter of my eyes expand in the bathroom mirror. I casually asked her to put him on the phone, and she was more than happy to oblige.

  “Joyeux Noël, Minette. I was just telling Stella about your landlady.”

  “I hope that’s all.” My nostrils went full flare.

  He chuckled. “I’d love to have lunch while you’re here. Let me ask Stella which day.”

  How predictably typical.

  I heard him puppy-plead with my grandmother, asking if and when she could spare me while I was there the following week. They decided for me—just like when I was eighteen. They made the plans; I obliged with a smile.

  “All set. Stella says I can have you on the second.” He had to be out of his mind.

  “You’re blackmailing me?” I scoffed. What the hell was happening?

  “Me too. I’m glad we’re friends.” His very convincing farce was no doubt pleasing his immediate company but him taking me to lunch was not on my to-do list for France.

  “Dimi—” The bathroom door opened. Jake glared at me and crossed his arms. I quickly switched to French and told Dimitri I needed to go, asking for my grandmother again. I said my goodbyes, watched by Jake’s scornful eyes until I hung up.

  “You tell me to drop it, and then you call him? Wow. Merry Christmas to me.” He shook his head and walked back to the bed.

  I followed. “I called my grandmother. He was there. She put him on.”

  Fuck me. And fuck Dimitri—with fire. I would burn him to the ground.

  “It’s all too convenient, Louana. I’m beginning to think you’re looking forward to seeing him.”

  “Do you realize this is the first Christmas I’ve spent away from my mom and grandmother my entire life?” I threw my phone on a chair and propped my hands on my hips.

  He glanced at the phone and narrowed his eyes at me. “I didn’t realize it was so difficult to be with me in the middle of fucking paradise.”

  “Don’t turn this into something it’s not. Your jealousy is out of control and you know what? Your radar is faulty.” No! No! Abort this line of anger.

  “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

  I stopped myself before I pulled the Shane trigger. It would be one thing to ruin his Christmas and another thing to ruin his life. I scrambled for a different example. “Like the guy from yoga I saw in Vegas. No threat and you practically burned holes in him with your eyes.”

  “Apples and oranges. Your ex-boyfriend knows you, knows your family. How much does Stella know about us?”

  “I need a cigarette.” I walked over to my suitcase and dug into the elastic pocket in the liner.

  Jake’s head dropped back, and his knees buckled. “You brought cigarettes? You actually foresaw yourself getting pissed off?”

  I found the pack and took one out along with the matches I had tucked inside.

  “Do you even want to be here?” he asked as he stared at me.

  I opened the door to the balcony and stepped outside, before closing it I said, “Not at the moment.” I turned my back to him and lit up.

  13

  JAKE

  * * *

  I sat on the bed and waited her out. I didn’t text or turn on the TV. I just waited. After almost six months of being together, I understood her need to cool off and escape. And I took it as a good sign that she didn’t pack her bags or leave the room. Or go for a fucking run. God, she’d probably packed her tennis shoes, too. Our forward progress was baby steps, but it was better than going the other direction. And I was leaving on tour in less than three weeks. I couldn’t let her run away.

  All of the coincidences around Louana’s ex-boyfriend were bullshit. She had to see that. He wanted her back. And her grandmother was an ally on his side. And why wouldn’t she be? They were posh family friends. I’d seen how much that fucker had signed his last contract for. It was more money than I had. He was some kind of French golden boy.

  Louana came in from the terrace, moved to the opposite end of the bed, and asked, “When are you gonna let this go?”

  “I don’t know …” I shook my head and tried to place a finger on what it was about that man that pushed every button on my wart-covered jealous beast. Everything. It was everything about him. “Maybe it’s that he knows so much about you, things I’ll never be able to discover.”

  “There’s a lot of history. That doesn’t mean it’s what I want for the future. Surely you can relate.” Her brown eyes pled for understanding, but I had none to offer.

  I couldn’t. Louana was my first love, and I hated that I wasn’t hers. And I hated every ounce of his soul because he’d been in her life before I had. I wanted to be as special to her as she was to me. Knowing he’d captured her heart and was still lurking around ate at me every time I thought about it. Not to mention the control he had over her.

  “I hate that you felt the way you feel about me with someone else. Childish, I know. But …”

  She came closer, sat in front of me, and placed her hand on my forearm. “I may have been pushed together with him all my life, but I want you, Jake. I choose you. But not if you’re going to doubt my every move with him. He exists. I can’t change the past, and I refuse to regret it. Every step I’ve taken in life has led me to you. To us.” This calm side of her was the part that had crept into my heart and taken up residency. The proof of her commitment was in front of me. Why couldn’t I allow myself to accept it?

  I closed my eyes. “I’ll try harder. But you know when you say you don’t know how to do certain things? Well, I don’t, either.”

  She moved a little closer and interlaced her fingers with mine. “Do you ever feel like we rushed this?”

  I would be lying if I said no.

  “It doesn’t change that I love you, baby.” I pulled her hand to my mouth and kissed her soft tan skin.

  “Me too. I wish I knew how to make this easier for you, but I don’t.”

  “Neither do I.” I squeezed her hand a little tighter, and even if we hadn’t solved our issues, those tiny steps were paying off. “We should go down. My parents will be back and rea
dy to head to the beach.”

  She let go of my hand and stood. “I need a minute. I still have to call my mom to wish her a merry Christmas.”

  “Christmas is tomorrow.” I scrunched my face.

  Louana walked over to the chair where she’d left her phone and picked it up. “Not in my family.” Her apologetic smile was tight and brief.

  I dropped my gaze to the gold bedspread. And it hit me. She didn’t want to be in Hawaii at all. But she was there for me. I had been so busy trying to make a perfect vacation, I’d assumed she was as excited about going away as I was. She’d hinted at her reluctance in arguments, but I’d thought those hints were just fighting words.

  Across the room, her voice lifted as she spoke to her mom. There was no need to translate her French. She was happy. I could catch onto certain descriptions and knew she was explaining the beauty around us. If she was also telling her mom about our issues, there was no sign of it in her tone.

  The rest of the day, we were gentler with each other. I even shielded her from my mother’s questions about what she’d be doing with her family in France.

  The day after Christmas, we were up early so we could fly back to L.A. Once home, Louana unpacked, repacked, and collapsed on our bed.

  I climbed on top of her and said, “I can’t believe I don’t get to kiss you on New Year’s. My first girlfriend and she won’t even be there at midnight to ring in the New Year. I want a refund.”

  “Better kiss me now, then.” She propped herself up with her elbows, the light blue duvet wrinkling beneath her.

  “Give me your foot.” I slid backwards, and her leg brushed my thigh. “Have I ever told you I love your toes?” She presented me with her pedicured beauties and my tongue slid between the first two. I rolled it around the second toe then tugged the adorable digit towards me with my lips. I trailed kisses down her arch and nibbled her ankle. “And Jesus, woman. This? This little soft part behind the bone? Divine.”