by Cee, DW
“Marcus, did you not see me chase after my bride in Maui? Whatever she wants, I want. I can’t live without my girls any longer.”
“We’re both happy for you, Man, and Maggie and I are glad to have your family with us this week. Since we have three nannies on payroll, how about we all go out for a nice dinner rather than sitting here separated from our women?”
Johnny and Maggie took the six of us to a fine restaurant, once Jenna and I settled Alex in with her nanny. Truth be told, it was really us, who needed to feel settled. Alex took to her nanny immediately. We were feeling uneasy about leaving our daughter with a stranger.
True to my instinct, I should’ve stayed back with my daughter. What happened at dinner set my marriage back to way before we were ever close to saying, “I do.”
“Alexander.” Initially, I didn’t react to my full name being called. It had been years since anyone had used my birth name. “Alexander.” The melodious voice rang closer as we headed toward our table. When I didn’t answer, again, the caller stood up and placed her body between mine and my wife’s. “How come you didn’t tell me you were crossing the pond?” Before I could react, two arms went around my neck and she kissed my lips. “I’ve missed you.” It was just a reaction, a stupid chain reaction, that had me returning the embrace and kiss, minus the enthusiasm.
“Clarisse.” I answered in surprise and quickly took my hands off her waist. “Hello.” I had no fucking clue what to do in these types of situations. Already, I felt my wife slipping away from me as she excused herself to the ladies’ room. “Wait. Jenna.” My poor attempt at bringing her back was met with Jenna’s insistence on pretending she hadn’t heard me.
I should’ve chased after my wife but it was too much of a scene in this small restaurant, so my first plan of attack was to diffuse Clarisse. Fortunately, I had good friends who understood my plight.
“Excuse me as well. I think I need to use the ladies’ room too.” Maggie saved me—at least I hoped she could save me.
“When did you arrive?” Clarisse asked again.
“Today. I came with my family and friends, today.” I hoped I’d stressed the word, family, enough for her to get a clue.
“Can we meet for dinner one night?”
“No. I don’t think that will be possible, Clarisse. It was nice seeing you.”
I tried to walk away, but Clarisse had other ideas. “Are you staying at a hotel? At Johnny’s again? Are you here for a while?”
Damn woman chose not to get a clue. “My wife, daughter, and I are here for five days and yes, we are staying at Johnny’s.”
The “Oh,” was unmistakable. She finally understood, after the damage was done. “Have a nice dinner with your wife. Nice seeing you again, Johnny.” Though that was the end of our conversation, I knew it wasn’t the end of Clarisse.
“Damn, Xander. You are in deep shit, Man.”
“Fuck! What the hell, Johnny? Why her and why here?”
“What I want to know is why you kissed that woman, Xander? How would you react to your wife placing her arms around another man and kissing him?”
“You saw that, Beth? I was hoping it was quick enough for no one else to catch on.”
“I think the entire restaurant was privy to your private moment—including your wife.”
“It was like a Pavlovian reaction. Fucking hell. How do I undo this?”
Johnny said, “Just give your wife the facts and maybe grovel while speaking.”
“I’d add a piece of jewelry while doing it,” Marcus kidded.
“Not to mention an expensive handbag. I can help pick one out, Xander.”
“Not funny, Beth. I’m in the dog house now.”
“As you should be, Xander.” Though I’d told Beth this was no laughing matter, that’s all the three of them did—laugh.
*******
“Jenna, you know Xander loves you and your daughter. Clarisse doesn’t mean anything to him. She’s just a friend from the past. Johnny and I know her and she’s truly no threat to you. Xander is crazy about you.”
As much as I appreciated Maggie’s efforts, I wished she’d leave me alone. I came in here, a usual retreat since my Downtown Club days, to find my peace. Time was running out and I needed to head back and show a smiling face.
Regardless of the fact that I had a ring on my finger, that we were married, and that Xander loved me in every possible way, my insecurities wouldn’t die. They haunted me in all different ways. Today, they came in the form of a gorgeous woman who’d obviously had a physical relationship with my husband. Their body language was too natural to think otherwise.
“I’m fine, Maggie. I really did need to use the ladies’ room.” Those were the perfect words to shoo away unwanted words of consolation. Would life with Xander Blane get any easier? I could only hope.
A few more minutes to compose myself and I headed back to our table. Any longer and Xander would come after me.
“Jenna.” Xander stood up and walked to me immediately. “I’m sorry. She means nothing to me. I was just taken off guard. Please...”
I didn’t like the scene we were causing and I sure as hell didn’t like giving that Clarisse woman any reason to think she was important enough to put a strain on our marriage. “Let’s sit, Xander.”
He understood immediately. “I love you,” he whispered and kissed my ear, rather than the intended target, as I turned my head away childishly to punish him. I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help myself.
“This was the wrong place to choose for dinner, Johnny. What the hell were you thinking, bringing us to the best restaurant in London?” Beth broke up the tense moment, and at least four out of six of us laughed.
Dinnertime was actually not bad. Once I decided to forget the woman sitting within sight of my seat, we all had a pretty good time. As soon as I relaxed, my husband relaxed and talked with his friends. Much of the men’s conversation focused on business. Without a doubt, much of the ladies’ conversation revolved around our children.
“Maybe it’s time to head out?” I mentioned, missing my daughter.
“That’s a good idea. I’m wiped. It’s been a long day. I hope Alex is sleeping by now.” Xander stood up and helped me out of my chair. “Shall we?”
It stunk to have to walk by that woman again, but what choice did I have? I almost sprinted out of the dining room, but Xander got waylaid, again, by that bitch. She stood up to give him a good-bye hug and kiss, which Xander was able to extricate himself from, and handed him something. Wondering how the scene played out while I’d turned my back was worse than actually seeing the woman lunge at the man who had pledged himself to me.
“Jenna!” Xander caught up to me, out of breath. “I swear, she meant nothing. We had a thing a long time ago. That was it. Nothing more.”
“Let’s just get back to our daughter,” I said and plopped myself in the car.
*******
Nothing was more important right now than an open conversation with my wife, but it wasn’t going to happen for a while. As we entered Johnny’s house, our daughter had a meltdown.
“What’s wrong, Baby?” I asked.
Alyssa, the nanny, answered, “She was fine until you walked in. We were all having a fun time. I promise, she wasn’t crying all this time.”
“We don’t blame you for anything, Alyssa. Our daughter is tired.” Jenna opened her arms and picked up our daughter. “Is it time for nigh nigh?”
“YES!” Alex hollered and cried.
“How about if I get you ready for bed and I put you on my back like we used to when we lived in Ohio?”
I had no idea what that meant; I followed the girls around like a lost puppy.
At times like these, our baby girl wanted nothing from me. She wouldn’t let me help brush her teeth, put on her pajamas, or even hug her good night. She didn’t want anything that had to do with me—like daughter, like mother. Damn. This was going to be a long night.
When she was ready for be
d, Alex climbed on Jenna’s back like a monkey and rested her cheek. Jenna walked her around the house singing all our daughter’s favorite songs. I adored watching mother and child. Jenna’s look of love and Alex’s look of trust, I couldn’t help but take several pictures of them from my phone.
“I think she’s out,” I whispered, hoping I’d get some time with my wife to explain the shit I was in.
“When she’s this tired, I need to hold onto her for a while. She’ll wake up the moment I put her down. You go ahead and get ready for bed. I’ll be in when I can.”
At least she was talking to me. I’d take it.
I got ready for bed, brought my laptop with me, and followed up on some emails. Jenna was taking longer than I expected, but since this was all new to me, all I could do was wait.
*******
I knew I should get back to Xander, but I couldn’t face him. It hurt too damn much to know there’d been other women in his life after me. In all honesty, I had no idea if this Clarisse was before me or after me. Seeing how clingy she was, it made me believe they’d been together not that long ago.
Since almost the very beginning, I loved Xander. Never in my life had I thought so much and so hard about any man. He had consumed every part of me, even when he apparently had forgotten me. I felt too much where this man was concerned. I wished I could love only in part. Then at least I’d only have half a tortured heart.
“Jenna.” I heard a whisper but didn’t want to open my eyes to the reality. “Let me take you to bed with me. This twin bed is not meant for an adult and a child.” Xander gently picked me up in his arms and I lost it. I couldn’t help the tears that overflowed. “Shhh, Sweet Jenna. I’m sorry. Please don’t cry. This situation is not worth your tears. Let me explain.”
He placed me on our bed, and I quickly turned away from him, in a fetal position. I was damn embarrassed to be crying, always the one crying about us. Why couldn’t I harden my heart so everything wouldn’t affect me this much? I hated being weak, but I couldn’t love Xander any less no matter how hard I tried.
“Will you give me a chance to explain?” He had gotten into bed, turned me to him and rolled my body into his. “Clarisse and I had dinner a couple of times when I was staying here in London while you and I were separated. Dinner twice led to sex twice and that was it. She called a few times after I left London, but I let it be known that I wasn’t interested in anything long term. When we ran into her, I embraced her out of habit. On my part, there were no sexual overtures. It would be no different than greeting any other woman.”
“You don’t kiss most other women on the lips,” I added.
“True. That was definitely a mistake. I just didn’t catch her intention in time.” He continued to rub my back. “Clarisse also gave me a key to her hotel room which I immediately handed back to her,” he confessed. “That’s it. That’s all there is to Clarisse. Can we get back to us now? As much as I hate seeing you hurt and pissed, I’m digging the jealousy.”
I should’ve punched him, but instead, I sort of laughed. “Shut up, Xander. You’re still in the dog house.”
“That giggle didn’t sound like the dog house. It sounded like an invitation to have make-up sex with my wife.”
“Oh no it did not.” No matter how hard I tried to convince him otherwise, I ended up flat on my back with Xander getting his way with me. “I’m such a loser when it comes to you. I practically invite you to have your way with me.”
“I would hope so. And just in case you didn’t know, you can always have your way with me.”
That was the beginning and the end of our “fight.”
The rest of our time in London was fun. Readjusting our daughter back to our time zone was not. When we returned home, I had Alex stay home from preschool because I knew she wouldn’t be able to last the entire day without having a meltdown. Since Xander proclaimed he’d handle all the cranky women in the Blane household, Alex-duty was all his.
“Jenna.” I was surprised to see Larry falling in step with me.
“Hello, Dr. Tanner. How was your vacation?”
“Can you really call going to Columbus, Ohio a vacation?” he asked with heavy sarcasm.
“Did you get to see your family?”
“Yes.”
“Did you sleep in, rest, have Mommy make all your favorite food?”
Grudgingly, he answered, “Yes,” which had us both laughing. “However, Mom is not the best cook. It was Dad who stepped into the kitchen to spoil his son.”
“Well then. I’d say that was a vacation, albeit a weirdly timed one since you had a new nurse to train.”
“As if I could train you,” he answered with a snort. “How was your first day at work? I heard you, too, went on a vacay already.”
“First day of work was fantastic. Alex had a wonderful time at preschool and as soon as we were done, the three of us flew to London. I’m surviving on pure adrenaline because we got in late last night, and I started work at five in the morning today.”
“Why’d you come in so early? Your usual clock-in time is eight o’clock.”
“They asked me to fill in for the end of someone else’s shift and to only work half my shift, so I agreed.”
“Can you take a break right now and have a cup of coffee with me?”
“If the boss says so, I guess I must,” I teased.
I was glad to have run into Larry. I needed to let him know how important he was to me as a friend.
“So, why London?” Larry asked randomly once we sat with our snacks.
“Xander had business and he didn’t want to go alone.”
“I guess we need to talk about the elephant in the room, huh? Listen, I’m sorry—”
I stopped his apology. “Before you apologize, I need to tell you how grateful I am for our friendship. You, your sisters, your parents, your aunt’s family—they’ve all been like an extended family to me and my daughter. When I needed a friend the most, you were there. For that, I can’t thank you enough.”
“Was there ever a chance of you and me?” Larry asked sadly.
“Probably, had I not met Xander first. The problem was, Xander was always with me even when I didn’t want him to be. He consumed me when we were dating. He tortured me when we were parted. Then, I got pregnant and had a Xander-doppelganger in female form. There was no getting away from him.”
“So I should feel a little better knowing I would’ve had a shot had I met you earlier?”
“No, Larry. You should feel the best about yourself because you are the world’s best catch. Go out there and date. You’ve always known that Alex and I belonged to Xander. I think you’re stubbornly holding yourself from being truly happy. Marriage, children, domesticity—I think you’ll love it.”
“Do you love it? Do you love him?”
“I do love Xander and yes, I love being married to him. Since the beginning, regardless of what I believed or stated, I’ve always loved Xander. It’s hard to forget a man who was your first everything.”
As much as I didn’t want to see the sadness in Larry’s eyes, I knew this emotional separation had to happen. He and I were never meant to be anything other than friends.
“So where do we go from here?”
“Can we stay friends? If it isn’t too much, I’d like for you and Xander to become friends. I want my husband to understand how much Alex and I appreciate you and your family.”
“I think friendship with your husband is a little too soon, probably for the both of us, but I am sorry for what I said to you last week. You have also been a good friend to me, and I don’t want to lose that either.”
Friendship between two important men in my life wasn’t happening any time soon, but I was glad to have restored my status with Larry.
*******
“Are you playing nanny today?” Marcus laughed heartily as he watched me walk into our lunch meeting carrying Alex and all the crap that came with her. “I assume the wife is at work?”
“
Shit, Marcus. I told you I couldn’t meet today. Why the hell are we here? Why couldn’t you come over to the house?” I was agitated. Who knew and understood all the paraphernalia that came with traveling with a two-year-old? We were only thirty minutes away from the house, and I had a large traveling backpack.
“No diaper bag?” My business partner, whom I was about to beat the shit out of, razzed me.
“No, Alex is potty-trained, thank you.”
“Potty?” My daughter suddenly asked. “Daddy, I need to go potty.”
“Asshole,” I whispered under my breath and took my daughter to the bathroom.
Who knew a men’s bathroom could be so damn disgusting? I couldn’t, in good conscience, put my daughter on a toilet seat, even with a cover. It took me a few seconds to come up with a way to hold her close enough to the toilet seat without her touching it but also without her peeing on my thousand-dollar Zegna slacks. I was feeling pretty good about myself when the deed was done. No pee stains on my pants, and my daughter was clean. Or so I thought.
When she was done, she reminded me that she needed to be “wiped.” How the hell was I to wipe her without putting her down on the floor and have piss dripping all over the place? Again, I had to perform some clever Cirque du Soleil-style maneuvering to accomplish the deed.
“All done, Daddy!” She hopped down while I adjusted her dress and made sure there were no urine sightings on my clothes or shoes.
“Let’s go have lunch with Marcus.”
“No, Daddy. I need to wash hands,” she insisted.
I wanted to ask why she needed to wash her hands since she added absolutely nothing to this terrifying experience, but I did what was told. Last thing I needed was to go against whatever her mother taught her.
“Now, are we all done in here?”
“Yes, Daddy. Let’s go. I’m hungry!”
We walked out, hand-in-hand, and I had to smile at the beautiful girl before me. My wife had done a splendid job with her.
