“That’s partly true,” Kate admitted. “It took me a long time to get over his death. Going to law school helped. But I never want to lose someone again, by divorce, or death. It scares me to love anyone that much again. What if they died or left me?”
“Would you ever marry Bart?” Anthony asked her. He had always wondered about it and he liked him.
“I don’t think so. I like him a lot and we have a good time. But I don’t love him enough. You have to love someone a lot to want to spend the rest of your life with them. I loved your dad that much, but not Bart. I’ve never met anyone I wanted to take that chance with again. It didn’t seem worth the risk.”
“It’s not over yet,” Tammy reminded her with a smile. “You’re still young enough to meet someone you really love.”
“Oh I hope not,” Kate said fervently, and they all laughed. “Loving someone that much is so much trouble. I’ll leave that up to all of you. I don’t want to do that again.” Anthony was listening to her intently, and Amanda was looking miffed over what Claire had said about their big wedding. She was glad that she hadn’t asked her to be a bridesmaid if that was what she thought of it, especially now that she was unmarried and pregnant. Her parents were going to be shocked by it. She had decided she wasn’t close enough to either of Anthony’s sisters to have them be bridesmaids. She liked Tammy better anyway. She thought Claire was shitty to her. Her disapproval of Amanda came through her pores.
“Well, it hasn’t been much of a birthday,” Kate said ruefully, “but it’s been a great night with all of you, and I guess all these things needed to be aired. It seems Grandma was right. You’re old enough now, secrets never do anyone any good. The truth is always better, as long as it’s delivered gently and not said to hurt people. I’m sorry I told you that about your father, but it shows us all that unexpected things happen in lives, and in marriages. And I’m sorry if you all feel I put too much pressure on you to be perfect, growing up and now. Believe me, I’m not perfect either. I just want the best that you can have for each of you. But in the end, I just want you to be happy. And, Claire, if you’re happy doing what you are, then I guess we’ll all have to get used to it.”
“I’m scared too,” Claire admitted. “A baby is a huge responsibility and I hope I’m up to it. Reed is wonderful to me. I’m a very lucky woman.”
“I think you are.” Kate smiled at her. They hadn’t invited Reed that night, but Kate intended to in the future, since he was the father of her first grandchild, and living with her daughter. He appeared to be a good person with sound values. Kate would have liked him better if they’d met in other circumstances. “Any more true confessions?” Kate said jokingly as she looked around the table and no one said a word. Anthony hugged Claire when they got up from dinner, and told her what a little shit she was, but that he loved her anyway. Tammy gave her a big hug too, and they all hugged their mother, and had new respect for her. She had blown the lid right off the birthday dinner with her confessions and there had been no cake because she didn’t want one.
It was nearly midnight when they all left. Anthony took his grandmother home in a cab, and she kissed him when they dropped her off. Amanda was silent on the ride back to her apartment, and Anthony sat staring out the window.
“I thought your sister was really rude about our wedding,” she said. Anthony didn’t say anything for a minute and then just nodded. “She should get married. Having a baby out of wedlock is really shocking.” He turned to look at Amanda then.
“You heard what my grandmother said. People have a right to make choices, and even mistakes.”
“That’s a big one.” She wondered if her parents would even want Claire at the wedding, but didn’t say so.
He followed her into the apartment, and when she turned on the lights, he looked at her and knew what he had to do. He didn’t know if Alicia would ever speak to him again, but even if she didn’t, it didn’t matter. He had finally figured out the answer he’d been looking for when his mother answered him about marrying Bart, and said she didn’t love him enough. He loved some things about Amanda, and they’d had a good time for a while, but he didn’t love her enough to marry her and to spend the rest of his life with her. He was bored to death with the life she wanted, and he didn’t even want a big wedding. He didn’t love her enough was the correct answer.
She could see that something was happening, but she didn’t know what, as he stood and stared at her.
“I have to tell you something, and there’s no easy way to do this. I can’t marry you, Amanda. I thought I could, but I just can’t do it. It’s not right. I should have figured it out sooner, but I didn’t. And better now than after we’re married. I love you, but not enough to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m truly sorry, but I know that now.” His voice was strong and even and full of regret. But he was sure.
Her mouth opened and closed several times and no sound came out at first. “Are you serious? Are you crazy? Do you know what my father has already spent on this wedding?”
“I can’t help it. I can’t do it. It’s just not right, for either of us. I’m not the right man for you either.” He was absolutely certain now.
“Do you want me to scale back on the wedding? We could have fewer bridesmaids. My father hasn’t paid for the dresses yet.” But the person Anthony wanted to eliminate was the bride.
“It’s not about the wedding. It’s about the rest of our lives. I’m not cut out to sit in Bronxville with you, or move there, or live the life you want. I’m not ready to have kids, and you want them immediately. You want a life like your parents’, and that’s not who I am. I want to work and play and travel and laugh and have fun and be free” and be with a woman who’s so crazy about me that she’ll give me a black eye when I turn her life upside down. He wanted to be with Alicia, but he didn’t know if that would happen now. The one thing he did know for certain was that he didn’t want to be with Amanda, just like his mother didn’t want to marry Bart. Anthony didn’t love her enough. He was sure of it now. It was the right answer and the one he’d been looking for.
“You’re upset over what your mother said about your father. This is ridiculous, Anthony. We love each other.” She sounded desperate and he felt sorry for her. Unraveling the wedding and telling her parents was going to be a nightmare. But it had to be done. He couldn’t go through with it, no matter what her father had spent.
“We do love each other,” he agreed with her, “but not enough to get married.” He looked at her sadly for a minute, and turned around and started to walk away.
“Where are you going?”
“Back to my place,” he said at the door. “I’m leaving. I can’t stay here anymore. It’s not right.”
“Can’t you at least spend the night?”
“No, I can’t. I’m sorry. I’ll pick up my things this week when you’re at work.” She didn’t say anything, as tears started to roll down her cheeks, and he felt terrible. But he knew that if he tried to comfort her, he’d get trapped again, and maybe even marry her out of pity or remorse. He had to go now. As he was leaving, she pulled off the engagement ring that had been his mother’s. They had had it reset in a new mounting for her. She took two steps toward him and put it in his hand. He shoved it in his jacket pocket, to give back to his mother, opened the door, and walked out.
He closed the door softly behind him, and took a cab back to his apartment. It was empty and dusty and looked unloved, and he was lonely when he got there, but as he lay down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, Anthony knew he had done the right thing. He was free. It was a huge relief.
* * *
—
When Tammy got back to her apartment, Stacey was almost asleep. She’d been up with a sick patient at the hospital the night before, a six-year-old with a hot appendix, and she had just started to drift off when Tammy sat down on their bed with a big smile.<
br />
“Great news,” Tammy announced as Stacey opened one eye.
“Your mom wants to march in the Gay Pride parade with us this year?” They’d never done that, and Tammy laughed at the image.
“Better than that. My little sister gave us a free pass.”
“To what? Stop talking in riddles, I’m half asleep.”
“She’s having a baby with her boyfriend and refusing to get married. My mother had a fit over it, but my grandmother said everyone has the right to make choices, no matter who likes it or not. And my sister said she’s sick and tired of being perfect. So she’s having the baby and not getting married. I’m going to see my mom in the next couple of days and tell her about us. I’m giving up my claim to the perfect title too, tiara and all. And my mother admitted that she got pregnant as a teenager and had to get married, and my father was about to leave her for another woman when he died. It turns out we’re not so perfect after all. We’re as screwed up as everyone else, so you and I get to come out of the closet, finally!”
“Do you think your mom can handle it?” Stacey was wide awake by then, and sat up in bed.
“I think she can. She’s so upset at my sister, I’m not even sure she’ll care.”
“She’ll care. I’m not sure where gay ranks on the list with pregnant out of wedlock, but gay might be worse. Can’t your brother do something unsuitable too?”
“I have a feeling there’s trouble brewing there as well. He looks miserable. Anyway, get ready to meet my crazy family.” She kissed Stacey, who was beaming. It was exciting news. The time had finally come to tell the truth, after seven years.
They giggled like two schoolgirls when Tammy came to bed and told her all about the dinner. It had been quite an evening, and a birthday Tammy was sure her mother would never forget.
Chapter 9
Kate was startled when her secretary told her at twelve o’clock that her son was waiting for her in the reception area, the day after her birthday dinner. She was planning to work through lunch, and he never came to her office. She went out to meet him herself. He looked somber and serious in a clean shirt, jacket, and jeans. He never went to work looking that way, he had dressed to come and see her at the law firm.
His eyes met hers with a grave expression. She knew something had happened the moment she saw him. She kissed him and led him to her office before questioning him, but she didn’t need to. He told her before he even sat down in the chair across from her desk.
“I broke it off with Amanda last night after dinner,” he said, looking anxious. He was certain she’d be upset with him but she could see how sure he was from the look on his face.
“Did you have an argument?” He shook his head as he sat down on the edge of the chair.
“You said exactly what I feel when I asked you about Bart. I don’t love Amanda enough to marry her.”
“Are you sure?”
“A hundred percent.”
She sighed and looked at him sympathetically. She knew it couldn’t have been easy to say to her, and she hoped he’d been kind to Amanda, as best he could be when telling her something like that. “Well, your sister and grandmother will be pleased. They both thought she was wrong for you.”
“Tammy?” He looked surprised.
“Claire.”
“Well, we know now how good her judgment is. What a mess she’s making of her life. She should just shut up and marry the guy.”
“She’s making a statement,” Kate said, looking tired.
“And an ass of herself. She’s being a spoiled brat, to prove a point and get at you.”
“It goes with the territory. How do you feel? Sad?”
“A little, for Amanda mostly. But mainly relieved. I’ve been crawling out of my skin with the wedding, and in Bronxville with her parents every weekend. I think I’d kill myself or become an alcoholic if I married her.” Kate nodded. She could see it now too. Amanda wasn’t bright enough for him. Her mother and Claire were right. She didn’t try to talk him into changing his mind. And she could see that she couldn’t. She noticed that he was squirming in his chair, and looked as though he had something else to say.
“There’s more?” He nodded, looking very nervous, but he wanted to tell her all of it.
“I met someone three months ago. I fell madly in love with her, which was my first clue that Amanda wasn’t the right woman for me. I haven’t seen her in a month, and she swore she’d never see me again. I lied to her, and didn’t tell her I was engaged. We were together for almost two months, and then I told her. I needed time with Amanda to see how I felt about her. I haven’t seen the other woman in a month. She probably wants nothing to do with me, but on the off chance that she’ll forgive me and talks to me again, I wanted to tell you that I’m in love with her. I’m sure of it now. She’s wild and smart, and she won’t put up with any shit from me. She gave me the black eye when I told her about Amanda.” His mother looked shocked at that. Domestic violence was not an acceptable means of communication in her opinion.
“Does she have a name? A job? A family?” He nodded.
“Alicia Gomez. She’s thirty years old, and putting herself through Hunter College. She’s a lingerie model to pay her rent, and wants to become an actress, and she’s probably a good one. She was born in San Juan, Puerto Rico, and grew up in Spanish Harlem, and she’s three quarters Puerto Rican and a quarter Chinese.” He had handed it all to her on a silver platter, and she looked as though she had seen a ghost over his head.
“Are you serious?”
“I am. She’s got incredible drive and spirit, and she’s smart as a whip.”
“She must be to catch you. Where did you meet her or shouldn’t I ask?”
“At my gym.”
“And you’re in love with her? Or in lust with her? Something tells me she must be beautiful with that combination.”
“She is. And I am both, in love and in lust. I actually think you’d like her, Mom, if you can get past all the obvious things I know you’ll object to.”
“You must think I’m a snob and a racist,” she said unhappily.
“No, but I know what you liked about Amanda. Her family’s social position and respectability. Alicia is the exact opposite of Amanda. She’s had to fight for everything she has, and she’s very independent. I tried to send her a text this morning, and she’s blocked me. I don’t know if she’ll ever speak to me again.”
“Well, let me know how it goes.” She didn’t object to anything he had said and he was stunned. “Your grandmother is right. You all have the right to make choices, whether I like them or not.”
“Except for Claire. She’s being an idiot and ridiculously immature.” She didn’t disagree with him.
“Even Claire. I don’t like the decisions she’s making, but she has a right to make them. We’ll just have to live with it. I like her man a lot though. It’s something at least. So we’ll see about Miss Gomez, if she forgives you. It sounds like you behaved very badly with her,” Kate said sternly and he nodded. He felt like a kid in the principal’s office.
“I did. She has every right to be pissed.”
“But not to give you a black eye, I don’t approve of that.”
She got up and came around her desk and kissed him.
“I meant what I said last night. I just want you all to be happy, and safe. I’m going to have to give up my ideas of what I thought would be good for you. I thought Amanda would be a good wife you could rely on, but I guess she’s not for you.”
“She really isn’t, Mom.” He remembered the ring then, pulled it out of his pocket and handed it to her. “I’m sorry we screwed up your engagement ring, changing it for Amanda.”
“It’s okay. I wanted to give it to you anyway, for when you get married one day. Your dad would have wanted you to have it.” She walked him to the door of her o
ffice and hugged him again.
“Let me know how it turns out,” she smiled at him, “and duck this time. Don’t just let her hit you.” He grinned at his mother, and a moment later he was gone and she went back to her desk. Her secretary came in a minute later.
“Do we have any Tylenol, Advil, aspirin, arsenic, heroin, something? I have a blinding headache.” Her calm exterior hid a tidal wave of stress.
“I have Advil in my purse. I’ll bring you two.”
“Thank you,” Kate said as she sat down at her desk and put the engagement ring in her purse.
She could hardly keep up with them, canceled weddings, illegitimate babies. Her perfect children were certainly far from perfect. And she couldn’t even imagine what Anthony’s lingerie model was going to look like or how she’d behave. If she even agreed to see him again, which was by no means a sure thing, according to him.
Her secretary brought her the Advil and she took two, and she brought her a cup of tea after that. Kate could only imagine how Amanda’s parents were feeling, if she had already called them. They would be furious, but three months’ notice to cancel a wedding was reasonable. And if Anthony didn’t love her enough to marry her, there was nothing to discuss. Thank God he hadn’t gone through with it. The wedding had sounded like a three ring circus. In some ways, Kate was relieved too. She just hoped that things turned out right for him, and that the Puerto Rican girl wasn’t even worse. These were certainly interesting times in her family. A lingerie model, or even an actress, was not what she had wanted for her son, but the debutante hadn’t worked out either, so it was a free-for-all now. She could hardly wait for the next chapter. More than ever, their lives were beginning to feel like a bad movie.
Child's Play Page 10
