“It’s right that you should be. I’m your mother. I just wonder what I was doing or thinking that I never even thought of it as a possibility. In high school, I thought you were shy. In college, I thought you were discreet. And since then I figured you were too busy working to have a life. How the hell did I miss something like this?” She reached out and touched Tammy’s hand. “I’m so sorry, I really am. Can you ever forgive me? I’ve been blind and out to lunch for your entire life,” she said as they held hands.
“I’m also a damn good liar.” She smiled at her mother, and their pasta was cold by then. Neither of them had touched it, and they started to dig into their salads. But Kate wasn’t hungry. She was too shaken by what Tammy had shared. Her oldest daughter was a lesbian. Her youngest daughter was having a baby out of wedlock, and her son was in love with a lingerie model who had grown up in Spanish Harlem and was part Chinese. All put together, it was overwhelming, and she tried to focus on just Tammy now. Kate felt as though the walls were coming down around her. She felt like Alice in Wonderland down the rabbit hole.
“If you decided to have a baby, how would you do it?” Kate asked her. “Would you adopt?”
“We could. I think we’d be more likely to get a sperm donor, and one of us would get pregnant, probably me, since Stacey is nine years older than I am. It might be harder for her to get pregnant.” They had discussed it before, and Tammy was still nervous about it. She didn’t feel equipped for motherhood yet. Unlike her sister, she was cautious and still unsure. “I wouldn’t want to do it unless we got married, not like Claire.” She smiled at her mother. “Now that same-sex marriage is an option, it’s a possibility. But I’m in no rush to get married.”
“None of my children are, it seems,” Kate said wryly. “Thank you for being so open with me now. It’s a lot to think about. I’d like to meet Stacey sometime.”
“She’s wanted to meet you for seven years.” Tammy was impressed by how her mother had risen to the occasion. She could see that she was struggling with it, but she was trying, which was all that mattered. It was a start.
“What’s she like?”
“Smart, funny, patient, kind, a terrific doctor. She works very hard. Her family is from Ohio, and they’ve been very accepting of both of us.”
“You know them?”
“I’ve met them a few times. Her father is a doctor. I think it was hard for them in the beginning, but they’ve known about Stacey for a long time. Her mother says she’s known about Stacey since she was little. She wanted to play with her brothers’ toy trucks all the time. She has a brother, and another one who died. They’re just regular people, and they’re okay with it. She told her brothers before she told her parents. She’s the oldest, so they expected a lot from her.”
“You were the girliest girl I’ve ever seen,” Kate said with tears in her eyes. “You still are.” Claire was much less frilly than her older sister, although she was sexier. Tammy was fashionable and chic.
When they left the restaurant, Tammy hugged her mother and thanked her for being so understanding. She called Stacey from the cab on the way back to her office and told her it had gone fine. Her mother had been wonderful although she was shocked at first, and she promised to arrange a meeting soon. She wanted to give her mother a chance to digest everything before they met. She’d had a big dose of reality all at once, and she was getting it from all sides.
When Kate got back to her office, she looked dazed. She walked past her secretary without even noticing her, who walked in a few minutes later to check on Kate.
“More Advil?”
“No, actually, I think a week in Bellevue would be nice.” Her whole world was coming apart at the seams. She couldn’t help questioning what kind of mother she had been. Claire was defying all the values she’d grown up with. Anthony had just canceled his wedding to what had seemed like the perfect girl. And Tammy was gay and she’d never noticed. Where the hell had she been while she thought she was being such a good mother? She had missed all the clues and the signs of who they really were and what they wanted, or needed. When her secretary left the room, she dialed her mother’s number. Margaret answered on the second ring and sounded distracted, which meant she was painting, but she answered anyway when she saw Kate’s number come up.
“Can I come by after work?” she asked bluntly.
“Is something wrong?”
“Is anything right at the moment?”
“Are you okay?”
“I guess so. Is there a choice?”
“Come whenever you want.”
“I’ll try to leave the office early.”
She left at five-thirty, and got to Margaret’s apartment at six, which was early for Kate. She couldn’t concentrate on her work anyway, she had too much on her mind. And now one more very major thing.
She kissed her mother absentmindedly when she walked in.
“Do you want a glass of wine?”
“Do you have anything stronger? Vodka maybe?” Margaret pulled a bottle out of the freezer, poured some over ice and handed it to her.
“What happened today?”
Kate sat down in her mother’s kitchen, took a sip of the stiff drink, and looked at her mother. “Tammy’s gay.”
“Wow,” Margaret said, looking stunned too, “I completely missed that. It never even occurred to me. Some shrink I am.”
“She’s been lying to us for years. She’s been living with a woman for seven years, a pediatrician.”
“What did you say to her?”
“What can I say? It’s who she is. They might get married and they might have a baby, but Tammy’s not sure. She’s always been more cautious than Claire or Anthony, and she takes longer to make decisions. But what I want to know is where was I when all this was happening? I was so busy worrying about what schools they went to, doing homework with them so they’d get into good colleges, and trying to keep my head above water, I missed everything else. I feel like this whole family, which I thought was so solid, with my supposedly perfect kids, was a house of cards, and it’s all flat on the ground now like pick-up sticks. Their lives are in shambles and so is mine.”
“It looks like that right now. They’re all in a transition of some kind, but their foundation is solid. That’s what you gave them, Kate. They’ll build it all back up again, stronger than before. They’re all the same kids you knew, they’ve just made very different choices from the ones you thought they’d make. You can’t make those choices for them. It’s up to them now. And nothing about Tammy has changed. She just likes women instead of men. That doesn’t change her value system. She’s the most solid of your children. That hasn’t changed.”
“Why didn’t I notice it?” she asked, taking another sip of her drink. “Do you mind if I get drunk?”
“Actually, yes, I do. I’m still your mother. I’m cutting you off after this one. You’ve earned it though.” Kate felt as though she had lost all her familiar landmarks. Everything had crumbled, and a flood had washed it all away. What was left after this? And how were her grandchildren going to grow up now? One without a legal father, and another, if they had any, with two mothers? She felt as though everything she had built for the past thirty years had vanished suddenly. The family she loved and had been so proud of had disappeared, and strangers had taken their place.
“I’d like to meet her partner,” Margaret said quietly. “She sounds interesting.”
“I’m sure she is. And intelligent. Tammy told me she went to Harvard, undergraduate and med school.” Tammy had gone to Brown. They were obviously both very bright women. “It’s funny how it all happens at once, isn’t it? All three of them,” Kate said wistfully.
“That’s how life works, the good and the bad. It comes in bunches, like grapes. They’ll settle down again, in the right places. It sounds like Tammy already has. Claire needs to grow up,
and Anthony has to figure out what he wants, and not just follow what he thinks you want for him. I think that’s what happened with Amanda. You thought she was perfect for him, and he believed you.”
“Well, he’s following his own path now. This girl couldn’t be more different. He says he’s in love with her. I want to meet her too, if she goes back to him. He didn’t think she would.”
“She gave him a hell of a shiner,” Margaret commented. “She sounds like a handful. Maybe that’s what he wants, or needs. Amanda was too bland. She didn’t challenge him.”
“What do I know?” Kate said as she finished her drink. Her mother had been sparing with the vodka, with a lot of ice. “I don’t even know what I want anymore. Or what I need.”
“You need some sleep, and to worry less about your children. It doesn’t stop them from doing what they want anyway. You have to trust that they’ll figure it out for themselves.”
“They’re not doing much of a job of it at the moment.”
“Yes, they are,” her mother disagreed with her. “Anthony got out of what would have been a disastrous marriage, Tammy told you the truth about herself, and Claire found herself a good guy, even if she’s going about it the wrong way, in our opinion. But that’s not a bad start. It could be a lot worse.”
“Could it?” Kate was feeling a little drunk even after one drink, but she’d eaten almost nothing for lunch with Tammy’s stunning announcement. “I’d better go home,” she said, standing up, and put her arms around her mother. “Thank you for keeping me sane. And now I’ve got this damn huge case to deal with, and the lawyers on the other side are driving me crazy. I hate plaintiffs’ attorneys, they’re such jerks. They’re going to nitpick us to death on this case.”
“It’ll keep you busy. You need that right now,” her mother said wisely. “Or your children will drive you crazier.” She smiled at her daughter.
Kate picked up her briefcase and kissed her mother goodbye, and left a minute later. She took a cab home, and as soon as she got there, she lay down on her bed and stared at the ceiling. She was still lying there, when the doorman buzzed her five minutes later and said there was a delivery for her. She walked to the door and a delivery man handed her an enormous arrangement of flowers. She couldn’t imagine who would send them to her. Bart had sent her flowers earlier in the week for her birthday. He always sent her red roses. And this was a spectacular arrangement of pastel colored flowers. It looked like a painting. She set it down on the hall table, tipped the delivery man, and opened the card after he left. “Thank you! We can’t wait to see you! Love, Tammy and Stacey.” She stood staring at it for a long time, and smiled. Maybe the world wasn’t coming to an end after all. The flowers were beautiful, and Tammy hadn’t changed. She was as elegant and gracious and thoughtful as ever. And she was a loving daughter. Kate was still smiling when she lay down on her bed again, fully dressed, and fell sound asleep.
Chapter 11
As soon as Tammy had broken the news to her mother about her sexuality, Stacey was consumed with anxiety about whether or not Kate would like her. She was sure she wouldn’t. Her hair was too short and too gray, her clothes were too masculine, she hadn’t worn high heels since her high school graduation at eighteen, but maybe she should buy some. She looked in the mirror, stared into her closet in despair, borrowed a dress from Tammy, and looked like a man in drag in it or a kid on Halloween, and burst into tears. She was driving Tammy insane, with a thousand questions, and her fears about Kate’s reaction to her.
Tammy decided that the only way to deal with her anxiety was to get it over quickly. She called her mother and asked if they could come for a drink in the next few days. She didn’t think that Stacey would survive a meal without hyperventilating. Her normally calm, confident, level-headed partner, her tower of stability, was collapsing, as though her entire life depended on the meeting with Kate.
“Of course,” Kate said, surprised to hear from Tammy so quickly. She knew how busy she was, constantly in meetings at Chanel and working late. She assumed that that part of her life was true, even if the stories about her personal life hadn’t been. “Thank you for the flowers by the way. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful. I’m going to try your florist.”
“I’m happy you like them,” Tammy sounded pleased. “It was Stacey’s idea. She sent me some too, after I told you about us. She’s waited seven years for this, and she’s going to have a nervous breakdown if she doesn’t meet you soon. I want to put her out of her misery, before she gets a facelift, starts having Botox shots, and buys a whole new wardrobe. She’s driving me nuts. She’s afraid you won’t think she’s good enough for me. She’s a lot smarter than I am, and a wonderful person.”
“So are you,” her mother said lovingly.
“I really hope you like her, Mom. It’s important to both of us.” Kate could hear the love in her voice for the woman she lived with. She had waited sixteen years to tell her mother, seven of them hiding her partner from her, and now she wanted Kate’s stamp of approval on her life. It had been a long painful wait for both of them.
“Are you free tomorrow around five o’clock?” Kate offered. It was Saturday.
“That’s perfect. Stacey sees patients on Saturday until four o’clock. It’ll give us time for her to change, and for us to get uptown.”
“I’m looking forward to it. Tell her not to worry. I’m on board now. All you had to do was tell me,” she said calmly, as both of them wondered silently if Claire and Anthony simultaneously going off the deep end had made it easier. Tammy hadn’t done anything dramatic, she had just told the truth, which was dramatic enough in her case. Her siblings had made life changing alterations, and changed directions completely. Tammy was still quietly and sanely on her familiar path. And Stacey was a sensible intelligent woman. She was sure her mother would see it the minute they met.
She told Stacey about the meeting when she got home from work that night. She was instantly panicked.
“Oh God…oh no…so fast? Maybe we should wait. Maybe I should take a Xanax when we go up there. Or have a drink before we go.”
“Oh great. If you walk in like a zombie, or show up drunk, I know she’ll love you. Just be yourself. I told her how terrific you are. She knows I love you. All you have to do is meet her now, and we can relax after that.”
“Beware of what you wish for. I’ve waited seven years for this, now it seems like a terrible idea. What if she hates me? What then?”
“Then I dump you and find someone else she’ll like better, or maybe I stop being gay?” Tammy suggested and Stacey laughed.
“Okay, okay. But should I try to wear one of your dresses?”
“Only if you want her to fall down laughing when we come through the door. I don’t know how you do it, but you can take a Chanel dress and make it look ridiculous. Just wear jeans, my mom probably will. I’m not getting dressed up.”
“She knows you, you don’t have to prove anything,” she said miserably.
“Neither do you, you’ve already got everything it takes to impress her. We’re on your side.”
“You don’t understand. This is like meeting your future mother-in-law, only much, much worse. What if she thinks I’m gay?” Stacey said, starting to relax, with Tammy’s encouragement.
“She won’t, she never thought I was. Why would she think that about you? Are you, by the way?” Tammy was laughing, and Stacey grinned in spite of herself.
“Of course not, I’m straight all the way. Why would you say something like that?”
“Just a rumor I heard, something about your shoes.”
“Will she think I’m weird for wearing men’s shoes?” She stared at her feet and then at Tammy.
“Let me clue you in. She knows you’re gay, you can go dressed as GI Joe if you want.”
“One of my five-year-old patients asked me the other day if I was weari
ng my daddy’s shoes.” She smiled and Tammy laughed.
“Smart kid. Very strong gaydar for a five-year-old. I wonder how my brother is doing. I haven’t heard from him since Mom’s birthday dinner. I sent him a couple of texts today, saying I hope he’s okay, and I haven’t heard back.”
“He’s probably hiding out somewhere,” Stacey suggested.
“My mother said something about his meeting someone a while ago, and it threw him. I wonder if he’s with her.”
“That would be pretty fast, but you never know. Maybe that’s what gave him the courage to break up with his fiancée.”
“He needs time to figure out what happened,” Tammy said thoughtfully, “and how he got so far down the road with the wrong woman.”
“That’s easy to do sometimes.” Tammy knew Stacey had spent ten years with a sociopath before leaving her and meeting Tammy. She was a doctor too, and totally insane. And then Stacey met Tammy six months after they broke up. “Some relationships are so right on paper that you talk yourself into them. I did that with Mercedes. Two doctors, how perfect—only one of us was nuts.”
“Amanda’s not nuts, but she and my brother had nothing in common. My grandmother and sister were right on that. My mom got caught up in all the fancy social bullshit and thought it would be good for him and civilize him. My brother’s a sweet guy, but he’s always going to be a geek and an artist at heart. I hope the next woman is the right one for him. He deserves it. At least I don’t have to worry about what to wear to the wedding. We could have worn matching tuxedos. We have a great one at Chanel this season.” Tammy laughed.
“I wouldn’t have been invited,” Stacey said.
“You will be from now on,” Tammy said gently. “I’m not going out without you anymore. That’s over.” Stacey looked touched.
“You get a pass for fashion events, though. I couldn’t handle it.” She rolled her eyes and Tammy laughed. It was a whole new day for them.
Child's Play Page 12
