Cause And Effect

by Pete Adams

  ‘Ha, at my age, babes? I’m seriously flattered.’

  She was taken aback by the bombastic reply, but pushed, ‘Jack, I am with you, I just want to know.’

  He turned in his seat so his eye made contact, ‘I was, Amanda, and now I’m a Community Police Officer, or at least until tomorrow, but you know how it is,' he flicked his hand, 'you never really leave.’

  ‘Do I?’

  Fifty-One

  Mandy took a call, ‘Okay, Barney, I’ll tell him.’

  ‘Guess who?’

  ‘Confession?’

  ‘Confession.’

  ‘Be back in a minute.’

  ‘What was that all about Amanda?’ the Commander asked.

  ‘You don’t want to know, Sir?’

  After a short while, Jack returned from meeting Mike and went to KFC. The crime wall was being brought up to date by Nobby, Alice helping. Jack spotted Sorry-farty and laughed, Nobby reddened and the Commander sighed, realising he will spend his retirement worrying about his lad and the influence of Jane Austin.

  ‘Jo with Paolo?’ Jack asked.

  ‘Yes,’ Alice answered, ‘interviewing.’

  ‘Good, what we got, Connie?’

  ‘Be on screen in minute, be patient, Jane.’ Frankie looked at Jack, pulled a face and flicked her eyes, as if to say, coming on, eh.

  Del-Boy appeared on the screen. ‘Jack?’

  ‘Yoh, bro.’

  ‘Yes, well a little less of the Americanisms please, we have enough of that shite with the CIA,’ Del said, and continued, he was outside the leader's house, ‘no response, but would you Adam and Eve it, the alarm’s going and someone has called the police, so we’re waiting.’

  Jack was stinging about his use of modern idioms, Mandy jumped in, ‘Idiotisms, and yes, you did.’

  Jack decided to focus; no time for childish remarks. The screen showed the boys in blue arriving, and eventually someone took the initiative to push in a door of the Leader’s house. Frankie monitored local uniform radio and eventually heard what they had been expecting, a body had been found.

  ‘Sweet’art, take that call,’ Jack said to Mandy. ‘I’ll get Paolo and Jo out of the interview and get them to the scene, d’you fancy joining me in a little chat with the Head of Social Services, sort of like a first date?’

  Mandy made the call, ‘We have this one.’

  Barney buzzed Mandy and Jack into the interview suite, ‘Which one, Barney?’

  ‘Number two.’

  ‘How appropriate.’ Mandy felt a frisson of excitement, working with Jack; she’d been tagged with so much administration lately, and this was real police work, she thought, then thought again, I think? Jack held the door to let Mandy walk in first.

  ‘Detective Superintendent Bruce and Inspector Austin have entered the room at seven forty-three pm,’ Jo speaking for the record.

  ‘Jo, Paolo, we need you to go to the Leader of the Council’s house, looks like he’s been murdered.’ Jo and Paolo looked at Jack shocked, but not as shocked as Anthony Wolm, Head of Social Services. ‘Paolo, okay if the Superintendent and I take over the interview of Mr Worm while you deal with the Leader?’

  ‘Inspector.’

  ‘Yes, Mr Worm.’

  ‘It’s Wolm, Inspector.’ Jack looked at Paolo and winked.

  ‘Okay, we’re off then.’

  Jack replied, ‘And so are we, Paolo.’

  Mandy opened up as Jo and Paulo left. ‘Would it surprise you to know you have been on our radar for some time, Mr Worm?’

  Worm looked up from his study of the table top, forlorn. ‘No.’

  Jack thought he’s broken, we may need to build him up a bit, ‘Of course, it seems you were only a peripheral player, and it will go well for him handing himself in, will it not Superintendent?’

  ‘It will Inspector, the stuff on Mr Worm is not as damming as we have on some of the others.’

  ‘You know about the others?’ he mumbled.

  ‘We know of them, and we know you escaped dying this evening. Lucky you came in, isn’t it?’ Worm nodded, as Jack opened the door and shouted for Barney, who, prepped, was there in a flash. ‘Barney what’re we like this evening?’

  ‘Pretty full, Jack, you have a problem?’

  ‘Well, I fear for Mr Worm’s safety, if you get my grift?’

  ‘I certainly get your drift, but nothing is one hundred percent.’ They exchanged looks, picked up by Worm.

  ‘Mandy, I think Mr Worm will talk to us, am I right, Mr Worm?’

  ‘Yes, I will tell you all I can, please, keep me safe.’ He looked truly scared. Jack thought, worm by name, but it’s always the same with scum like this, fiddle kids and shit themselves when a grown up’s on the scene. He looked guiltily at Mandy; he’d not spoken out loud, good.

  ‘You heard the man, Barney, cell six one zero,’ added ‘F two X,’ he was on a roll.

  ‘That’s the best we have, Jack.’

  ‘Is the Teasmade working?’

  ‘On the blink, sorry.’

  ‘Shame,’ Jack turned back to the interview table. ‘Mr Worm, unfortunately, the Superintendent and I have a previous engagement tomorrow, the tribunal, but you would know all about that sitting on the police committee, wouldn’t you?’ Worm looked sheepish, a woolly worm Jack thought, and felt the laugh building in his stomach. ‘The previous officers will be back to talk to you tomorrow, tell them all you know. We’ll be on the dog and bone throughout the tribunal and will clear it to take urgent calls. If you need anything, they will get in touch with me, okay?’

  ‘Yes, Inspector, thank you,’ wondering what a dog and bone was.

  ‘You’ve been read your rights, offered a solicitor?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Mandy spoke, ‘Barney, look after Mr Worm, and if he needs us...’

  ‘I’ll be sure to phone, indeed, Ma’am,’ and Barney took Mr Worm by the elbow as Mandy left and Jack followed.

  ‘Teasmade Jack?’

  ‘A Goblin one, darling,’ Jack winked, and she blushed. ‘Worm’s ready to give us everything, let’s hope it’s more than we think. How about a nice murder scene, and then a bath?’

  ‘Jack, you smooth bastard, you certainly know how to treat a girl, but this does not count as a first date.’ They briefed the Commander, told Nobby that Jo and Paolo need to see the end of the interview tapes before they have a go at Worm tomorrow.

  ‘It’s Wolm, Jack...’ then Nobby realised.

  The name on the board had changed to Norafarty. ‘Bit past your bedtime, isn’t it, Nobby?’ Jack observed.

  ‘Leave that to me, sir, I will see he gets an early night,’ Alice Springs spoke for him.

  ‘Mum gave me a get out of jail free card.’

  ‘Nice save, Nobs.’

  It was clear the Leader of the Council had been murdered; clumsily, made to look like suicide. Jack suggested deliberately so, nobody queried the remark. Jack introduced Mandy to Del-Boy and out of earshot, ‘Del, she knows, not all, but some,’ and went off for a quick look around. Mandy took her eyes off Del for a second and saw Jack with two Waitrose supermarket shopping bags on his feet.

  Del looked seriously at Mandy, struggling not to laugh, ‘He’s getting on, Mandy, and we need to look after him. He never was action man, was a back room Brainiac, and needs to take a back seat, his head still works though; just.’

  ‘I know Del, fortunately, so do a few other bits.’

  ‘Nuff said.’

  ‘What’s nuff said?’ Jack was back shuffling his bagged feet.

  ‘Nothing Jack, Del wants to know what Care Home you live in, thinks he might visit you, and the shopping bags?’

  ‘For crime scenes, Der!’

  ‘Jo, Paolo, you okay to take this on?’ Mandy asked, trying not to laugh at her eejit.

  Jo beamed, Paolo answered, ‘We have it in hand, Ma’am.’

  ‘Good, because I need a bath and Jack needs a seeing to, a lot on tomorrow.’

  They got back to Jack�
�s house, there were several notes from Michael plus some sandwiches which they ate and washed down with a cold beer each. They touched hands; quiet and intimate, no bath, they went to bed, cuddled and fell asleep, it felt natural and right and beautiful, Mandy thought.

  Jack went to sleep.

  Fifty-Two

  ‘What time is it?’

  ‘Just after seven thirty.’

  ‘When did Len want to meet?’

  ‘Nine, at the coffee house,’ Mandy answered, shaking her sleepy head to look at Jack, ‘how do you feel?’

  ‘Okay.’

  She put both hands on his face, ‘Whatever happens today, we...’ and she emphasised, ‘...we, will be okay, you do know that don’t you?’

  ‘Yes, the one thing I do feel good about today.’

  ‘Okay, let’s get the bastards then?’ Mandy said.

  ‘Up-an-at-em atom ant.’

  ‘What?’

  Len got Jack a double espresso, an Americano for Mandy, calling back casual greetings. Jack drank the espresso in seconds, not good, and only warm. Mandy tapped him on the arm, ‘Jack, Len's talking to you.’

  ‘Sorry, miles away.’

  ‘I said, I have submitted your defence, didn’t bother you with it, guessing you had enough on your plate.’ Jack nodded. ‘Just follow my lead, okay?’

  ‘Absolutely,’ Jack replied.

  Len suggested they go and Jack was out of his starting blocks, ‘Is he okay, Mandy?’

  She looked at Jack high-tailing along the crowded pavement, ‘He’s been through a lot, don't know what he will do if pushed,' and they trotted after Jack. As they rounded the corner into the Square, Jack stood rigid.

  ‘Blimey, Len?’ Jack exclaimed, faced by the crowd.

  ‘I think your friend Bernie rounded up local support, though there is a bit of opposition, the East Cosham something, can’t quite read their banner.’

  ‘Pugwash, twin set and pearls brigade, dress like Margaret Thatcher and that’s just the blokes,’ Jack replied, muscling into the building.

  The Guildhall manager welcomed them, ‘Hi, Jack, see-'em off today.’

  ‘Will do, Colin.’

  ‘Is there anyone you do not know? Mandy enquired.

  ‘Hi, Superintendent, we go back a ways,’ Colin replied, ‘Jack, they’ve changed it to committee room one, the public and press are to be let in.’

  ‘What?’ Len objected, ‘This is outrageous, why were we not informed?’

  Jack put his hand on Len’s arm, ‘Calm down, it’s not Colin’s fault,’ and Mandy was amazed as he started talking to Colin about the Bournemouth Symphony Orchestra, ‘Close your mouth darlin’, and let’s get up there.’

  ‘See you at the concert, Colin,’ Jack called back.

  Colin was not finished, ‘Will you be there, Superintendent?’

  They stopped, Jack looked at Mandy, ‘Berlioz, do you like him?’

  ‘What piece Colin?’

  ‘Symphonie Fantastique.’

  ‘Fantastique, I’ll be there.’

  The lift doors opened, they went in and rose up, ‘You like Berlioz?’

  ‘No, who the fuck’s he, some bloody French twat? Of course I know him.’

  Jack pulled Mandy to him and kissed her, looked over at Len, ‘Office banter, Len.’

  ‘Office rocker more like,’ Mandy told Len behind her hand, confident Jack wouldn’t hear.

  Pugwash was already in the Committee room, immaculately set up, uniformed and ready to go, the ugly sisters in the front row of the public area behind their hero. Jack went directly to him, hand out, ‘John.’ Pugwash, thrown by the gesture, stood and shook Jack’s hand, an automatic reaction. ‘Seaman Stains,’ and confused, he followed Jack’s eye down to the flies of his trousers. Jack laughed into his face, strutted back to Mandy and Len and slouched in his chair, lolled his head, looked at the ceiling.

  ‘You could try not to lose the case before we start,’ Len jibed, and Jack stopped his ceiling gazing.

  ‘You said he was running this himself, personal you said.’

  ‘I did, so what?’

  Mandy stepped in, ‘Jack’s interview technique, has him rattled, ready to lose his temper.’

  ‘Oh.’

  Jack returned to the ceiling. The capacity spectators quieted as the three adjudicators entered. The Chairman was Commissioner John Ball of the Met, his assistants, the Chief Constable of Hampshire, James Patterson and Edward Crawley, Chief Constable West Sussex; all good men, all straight as a dye.

  The Commissioner kicked off, ‘I find it unusual these proceedings are public. Had I been asked...’ and he looked pointedly at Pugwash, ‘...I would have resisted. I feel obliged to ask if this is acceptable to Inspector Austin.’

  Pugwash offered a feeble denial, Jack smiled to the ornate cornice, Len leapt to his feet, 'It is not acceptable.’

  The Commissioner responded, ‘And you are?’

  ‘Lionel Thackeray, I represent Inspector Austin.’

  The Commissioner nodded, looked knowingly at his fellow panellists, and with a smiley glance to Jack, ‘Does he call you Len?’

  ‘Aah, he does, Sir.’

  ‘Thought he might,’ and the Commissioner looked down from the raised platform that held the big desk, and to the almost comatose Jack, ‘Jane, will you never change.’ Mandy had her heart in her mouth, she’d already worked out the change of venue was likely down to him, and she kept looking to watch for Jack’s mood and actions, but he seemed miles away, and had not answered the Commissioner. ‘Okay, I shall call you Len if that is okay with you, Len.’

  Jack whispered to Len, ‘That will be fine, Jonty.’

  ‘Ha, touché, Len.

  Pugwash stood, ‘Sir, may we start the proceedings?’

  The Commissioner was not pleased, ‘Captain, you are not on board ship now, these are civil proceedings that I suspect you have opened to the public, and I will see they are kept civil,’ he chortled at his little joke and looked to his fellow panel members for a nod of approval; duly received. Pugwash sat, confounded.

  ‘Okay, we’ll start, happy Captain?’

  Pugwash nodded and looked at the obese ugly sisters for support. Jack thought in a battle he would not want to be in the trenches with them for more reasons than one, not least there would be no room left.

  The Commissioner started, waving a set of papers, ‘I will not insult this tribunal by reading out this sheaf of charges, save to say we have read them, along with the defence papers, and have no immediate comment, except Captain, you have not addressed the charges to the officer I know. I will deal with that for you, please take notes.’ Pugwash snapped up his pen, an automaton. ‘It is not Jack Austin, but John, Peter, Joseph Austin, CBE, QGM.’

  Mandy was amazed and turned to Jack. ‘Sorry darling, my name isn't Jane.’

  Mandy was not deterred and mouthed, ‘CBE, QGM?’ meaning, Commander of the British Empire and the Queens Gallantry Medal, but he was saved the need to answer.

  The Commissioner continued, ‘Now we have the name right, I understand it is the recommendation Inspector Austin be awarded the George Medal, recent events and all, we wish you well with that Inspector.’ Mandy’s jaw dropped, news to her, all of it. Jack was unmoved, having returned his gaze to the ceiling. ‘Superintendent, when you are ready,’ she apologised quietly. ‘So, the charges, and he waved the pages at the gallery, I will ask you Len how your client responds?’ Len was about to respond when Jack woke from his lethargy and put his stop the traffic hand up.

  The whole room heard Mandy, ‘Oh no, Mr Turnip.’

  ‘Inspector, you have something to say?’

  ‘Sir, the charge I am the anonymous source of stories to the newspaper, I would ask the Captain to produce evidence. The other charges are correct, but I plead extenuating circumstances.’ The gallery murmured and the Commissioner frowned, looked to Mandy for guidance, she had none, other than she could recommend the ceiling, it had nice mouldings.

  ‘Do you want to t
ake a moment with Len?’ the Commissioner.

  ‘No, sir.’

  ‘I am sure Len will detail the extenuating circumstances for you, but can you summarise please,’ the Commissioner looked worried.

  ‘Yes sir, I can,’ but Jack said no more.

  ‘Well, what are they?’

  Jack leaned forward and looked directly into Pugwash’s eyes, ‘The Captain is a martinet and a twat, sir.’

  There was an eruption of laughter and Mandy swept her hand to her mouth in horror. Jack held his stare with Pugwash, a picture of shock and awe, the smug look replaced by his more familiar, tight grimace. Mandy scanned the public benches, noticed Father Mike in the gallery, laughing with the crowd. What’s he doing here, she thought?

  ‘Yes, Mr Thackeray?’ the Commissioner responded formerly to Len who had sprung to his feet.

  ‘I ask you take into account my client has suffered many traumatic events this past few weeks, not least being in an explosion whilst rescuing a child.’ There was a murmur of approval from the public gallery, and Mandy thought they are on his side at least, she cheered up ever so slightly, but Jack had glazed over.

  ‘We are aware of the circumstances...' the commissioner commented, pointedly, '... and were amazed the proceedings were not postponed, is your client okay to proceed?’

  ‘I would like a moment, I fear my client may be unwell.’

  ‘Inspector, do you need a break?’

  ‘Is there a Kit Kat?’ Jack quipped, amusing the crowd.

  ‘Jack?’ Mandy thought she'd whispered, she hadn't.

  The Commissioner sighed, and like Pontius Pilot before him, ‘I’ll take that as an okay, we will continue,’ called on Pugwash who was up and poised like a terrier, but that is where the energy ended. The presentation of evidence from Pugwash droned, Len was up and down objecting, and it appeared Jack had actually gone to sleep. Pugwash eventually finished, formally submitted his evidence and the bench thanked him, looking like they were pleased it was over. ‘Okay, I have the evidence of the Captain here...’