The Sprout of Pain to Joy

by Rania Mukhar

  Joy: “So how did this unfold?”

  Mother: "I opened my eyes and found myself back in the woods… I looked up…

  The sky was so black I could not see around me…

  I felt I wasn’t alone but the dead air around me told me I was…

  The forest was speechless as if waiting for me to erupt…

  But my heart was mute from fear… I was lost and alone…

  I felt my soul detach itself from my body as the night got colder…

  I could feel my body being deserted by the energy that once kept it alive…

  Was I dying? Is that why I saw the angel?

  With my thoughts I lay still, waiting to walk into a new nightmare…or at least I thought that’s what they were.

  My mind was so disoriented I couldn’t put the pieces together…

  Was this all a puzzle to help me find my wallet?

  Drunk on my poisonous thoughts, I felt myself vanish bit by bit…

  I was so cold… Everything that held me together was crashing into one another…

  Like my wallet, I was nowhere to be found.

  I closed my eyes and let my thoughts sail into darkness… hoping they would take me to my angel."

  Joy: “So did they?”

  Mother: "They took me to a castle…any logic within my thinking formed their own bat wings to survive the unknown…

  My mind vacant of reality became a reflection of the colorless ceiling above…

  I found myself standing at an open window looking over what I would imagine paradise to be…

  As my eyes absorbed the beauty of the plants and flowers, I could not find any door to walk outside…

  I felt a breeze creeping through the window…

  Suddenly the draft became a cyclone of arms and hands racing to grab me…

  The aching pitch of the wind drilled holes in my skull scaring parts I did not know existed…

  With all my power, I tried to close the window, but like myself, the glass shattered…

  I saw my broken reflection in every piece…it scared me more than the sudden force of air…

  I surrendered to the hands of time and let them take me to my destined path…

  Another terror? Another prison? Another riddle to be solved or lose to? I didn’t know…

  I no longer could tolerate the torture of my images so I threw myself out without hope and without a thought…

  As I flew into the powerful nothingness, fog took over my sight like a bomb that throws ashes over peace."

  Joy: “Where did the explosion throw you to?”

  Mother: "I found myself back in the forest of doom… Or at least it felt that way…

  The gods of my fate had condemned my mind to endless torture…

  My eyes still burning like coal, I couldn’t see anything around me…

  The coward inside me kept hiding deeper and deeper within my being…

  I tried to stand up but the black ashes around me were too hot…

  I felt my skin melt into blackness as if the earth was in a rush for me to decompose…

  The woods around me felt like they were bending into a tomb to bury me…

  Where had my angel gone? Why did the white hope promise not to leave me alone?

  I began to doubt in its purity, and ideas of the devil overpowered my trust…

  As I gasped for air, my lungs inhaled the ashes around me…

  Leaving the forest spotless… Leaving me lifeless."

  Joy: “And then?”

  Mother: "I found myself lying on a bed allowing pigeons of peace experiment with my existence…

  I felt a sense of calmness as they washed my eyes with soft angelic feathers…

  But I guess they simply wanted me to watch the ugly truth…

  They pecked around my mouth as if trying to breathe life into me…

  Their ugly beaks selfishly wounded my tender youth…

  Strangers walking by as if they have seen worse sights in their lifetime…

  They were blind witnesses to my severe distress…

  It was as if they were waiting for what was rightfully theirs…

  As they waited for this miraculous creation, I prayed to be released from this agony.

  As the sound of tiny tears took over my loud shrieks, I felt the hollow void in myself…

  The strangers left to witness a new beginning as the birds carried me away…

  My open injuries poured red rivers as I flew in the care of these creatures…

  Finally, they dropped me on the side of a deserted lake… Leaving me helpless to the creatures of the pond."

  Joy: “What happened to you there?”

  Mother: "Like a flower in spring, my essence drifted toward the mysterious lagoon…

  Creating a trail for the alligators to follow and find their next meal…

  One by one, the ruthless beasts creeped out of their homes and into my space…

  As I watched them approach, I felt the earth beneath me tremble with fear.

  Were they angels of death pushing me down straight to the burning flames of the dark world?

  Was the earth trying to run away from this attack on me?

  My voice was too hurt to be heard by anyone…

  My legs were fractured from the fall…

  My hands were tied with an invisible power that could not be undone…

  I had no choice but to beg the filthy soil to swallow me before the monsters…

  And into the ground I slowly disappeared, going down into a bottomless universe…

  The farther I went, the closer I became to filth… I was no longer any different from what I once looked down upon.

  I became beneath all the hooves of the animal kingdom…

  And so… I sank."

  Joy: “Where did you end up?”

  Mother: "After a long slide, I opened my eyes when I could breathe… I was in a ballroom filled with people wearing fancy costumes…

  The women were decorated like Christmas trees with sparkling ornaments and stars…

  The men blending into one another with their similar colors and faces…

  Without an occasion, they all seemed to be celebrating their acts of glory with their mixed cocktails…

  Drinking to make them smile… Smiling to make themselves known… marking their territory on the tables they were at…

  I looked at myself and realized my clothes that once kept me warm had become rags of disgust…

  Or at least it felt that way…

  Was this a dream within a dream…? How many times do I have to die before I wake up? And how many times do I have to wake up before I die?

  Invisible to their short sight, I imitated their rehearsed movements, hoping to please the kings and queens of this ball…

  Not sure why I felt the strong urge to be honored by their acceptance, but I felt it was an order I had to follow…

  Was this heaven? Or had I fallen into someone else’s dream? Or worse yet, were they the judges at the doors of fate?

  As all these questions raced in my mind, two of the female elite royals began to mold me into a form that fit with their structure…

  Without a shoulder to lean on and not sure where I was, I was forced to accept their kindness… Or at least I felt that’s what it was…

  With their wands, they cast spells on me with words and scriptures I had never heard of and in languages I felt I had to learn to understand all this…

  As the hands of time passed into deeper moonlight, the toxins I was made to swallow wore off…

  The queens began to look more like witches…

  The kings began to appear as chained slaves yearning for the forbidden taste of freedom…

  Was I being tricked with evil magic? Or was I the easy key to their empowerment?

  The glamorous banquet died into a pile of walking skeletons…

  Their bone cages began to melt into one another over me, turning me into their captured wild beast…

  With
my tongue rolling backwards to tame my roars, I folded into unconsciousness…"

  Joy: “How did you unfold?”

  Mother: "I woke up back in my designated spot in the forest…

  I was relieved to be somewhere familiar…

  Yet the sky had changed into clouds stained with smoke…

  I watched it preparing itself to baptize the vast woods with its rainfall…

  I had to find shelter… I was even ready to hide beneath the tomb of skulls but it was nowhere to be found…

  As I walked side by side with worry, the sky unveiled its fury…

  Spitting acid rain straight down at everything beneath…

  Losing its temper as I ran faster…

  Throwing bolts of rage to burn me to the ground…

  Shouting at me with all its might…

  Was it angry at me for seeing the angel? Shouldn’t I be angry for it taking the angel away from me?

  I ran without knowing where to rush to…

  Even the trees found a way to hide from this horrible change in nature’s mood…

  And like a dream, a black stallion galloped toward me…

  Having to choose between both dangers, I risked and accepted its mercy upon me…

  I did not know how to ride one, but I also did not know how to escape this thunder…

  As it headed toward what I hoped to be its home, I fell off with my leg stuck in the stirrup…

  Dragging me as it raced with the storm, my entire body shredded along the way…

  Piece by piece, I faded into a senseless state…"

  Joy: “And how did you put yourself together again?”

  Mother: "After many sunsets and sunrises, the pain woke me up…

  I was lying in a dirty, abandoned barn…

  I got up, worried to be stomped on by that black stallion…

  But there were many other horses roaming around, lost without their riders…

  Some were kicking the doors to be set free…

  And others simply chewed on the scrapes of hay that were left…

  I took some of the dry grass and ate like the rest of the deserted creatures…

  The scars began to heal and I watched myself become a centaur as the horses turned into horseshoe makers…

  One started to nail the curved metal into my hoofs…

  Each one prepared their own special design to glue to me…

  The pain of every hammered needle made me neigh like I was the one to be ridden on…

  I felt as if I was being crucified with charms I was told to be good luck…

  The pain… The burns… The sounds…

  I couldn’t tolerate this agony…

  Others cleaned their weapons…

  Was I a horse to be ridden in a war? Was I going to be an innocent victim killed by torture?

  Ah, the distress in the soles of my feet…the misery made the nerves in my teeth quiver…

  And like a wild beast, my legs jolted like a lunatic until I was shot with a bullet that tranquilized me into peace…"

  Joy: “And then where were you taken to?”

  Mother: "I found myself in a classroom staring at the scribbles on the blackboard…

  The dictator standing at the front line was giving us orders with her whip…

  The red eyes of every student followed her without a blink…

  Was she the owner of the abandoned stables? Was I hallucinating from the tranquilizer given to me?

  Her disturbing ruler pointed at me to stand up with discomfort…

  Fearful of this tyrant, I did my best to avoid any error that may insult her leadership…

  For I was in her territory, and she did not accept any rotten seeds…

  With a shining spotlight over me, I became the spectacle of her harsh stick…

  Seeking only for perfection to reflect her strength, the holes in me were an unforgivable defect…

  I was a weak point in this chain of excellency that she designed to command…

  With one stumble from my lips, my unsatisfactory words triggered the avalanche of her dismay…

  Lashing me a thousand times, the scared children took notes to learn from this lesson…

  Knocking my pride down brick by brick, my face bled with humility…

  The unforgiving strikes on my dignity were to put me back in line of order…

  Like an open vein, my honor wept relentlessly, wiping out every desk around…

  Drenched in heartache, all my senses shut down in emergency…

  And in my own tears, I floated away…"

  Joy: “Where did you float to?”

  Mother: "I somehow was taken to a cave covered in ice…

  Maybe it was because of the avalanche that I was stuck under all this snow…

  It could have also been the shelter I needed so badly when the sky shed bombs on me…

  But in any case, I was stuck in this cold, sparkly white hole…

  With all its dominant power, a bear walked toward me…

  I saw my own beheading in its dark, judgmental eyes… and it saw a threat to its peace in mine…

  I heard its declaration of my death in its growls as they got louder…

  I smelt its spiteful dismay of my unwanted presence…

  I tasted my own blood in its hungry claws…

  And before I could blink, the wild beast smashed my chest with its humongous paw…

  Without giving me a chance to explain my intentions, it smacked me down to the ground…

  Maybe the bear misunderstood my fear, but it did not stop punishing me…

  Every claw beat me up from head to toe… The horrific nails dug deep into my bones until I could no longer feel…

  And with its last swing, I felt my soul abandon my body…"

  Joy: “But how could this be? I mean you are still alive… Was this just a nightmare?”

  Mother: “Until this day, all I know is that you are my truth…”

  Joy: “So what did you experience next?”

  Mother: "I was back in the forest… The snow had melted but traces of the disturbance were scattered all over…

  Everything seemed to have blown away except for the designated spot that kept pulling me back…

  The trees that survived the violent sky stood still…

  The strongest rocks remained motionless as the weary creatures hid beneath them…

  The wind hushed all life to a peaceful rest with its gentle lullaby…

  Like desperate thieves, a pack of wolves robbed the forest from its sleep…

  The villains lurked around me as their leader decided the fate of their prey…

  Like a baby lamb, I was helpless without my shepherd…

  My life was on hold as fear prepared me to be served…

  Their eyes lit up like fire as they burned through my existence…

  And the decision was made… The alpha male leaped for the honorary first bite…

  One by one they were invited to join in for dinner…

  Their sharp teeth carved pain straight to the center of my bones…

  Like a good sheep, I surrendered to these crooked creatures without a struggle…

  As they crunched through me, I stabbed my eyes to blindness… I couldn’t watch myself deteriorate into anything less…

  And with my final heartbeat, the forest was left to a soundless sleep…"

  Joy: “So what occurred next?”

  Mother: "I woke up standing at my own burial…

  My funeral was in an abandoned junkyard…

  With only myself there, I felt sad for myself without anyone to mourn losing me…

  As I saw myself being planted into the earth, I felt the arms of hell reach for my soul…

  The demons I had once buried when I was alive competed for their revenge…

  Secrets that were forgotten released themselves to grab me…

  The phantoms of my dark life rejoiced at my forced invitation to their harassment…

  The shadows
of my past danced around me as they prepared my spirit for their master…

  I felt the devil’s impatience to capture me before I was saved…

  I must have sold my soul at some point…

  Otherwise why was I here? Why was I at the edge of torment’s cliff?

  As the thirsty flames of Satan burst through the earth, I fell into my long-awaited suffering…"

  Joy: “But why so much pain? Why did you feel you sold your soul? I am scared to ask… But did you see the black angel?”

  Mother: "I saw it in myself… I had to somehow escape this pain…

  I knocked on the doors of many healers who sold me their magic remedies…

  Some medicines poisoned my mind and thoughts…

  Other potions erased memories that were carved in my heart…

  I even asked scientists to create mixes that I could drown my sorrows with…

  I trusted strangers to inject me with substances that gave me the illusion of peace…

  The toxins in me polished my reality with glamour…

  My imagination became my realty…

  Like a starving man in the desert, I believed in the mirage…

  I lost faith in my own blood…and my mind and body kissed each other goodbye…

  My thoughts began to stray away from reality…

  And my body wandered like a zombie trying to blend with the masses…

  The civilized world banned me from any loving touch…

  The hungrier I was for human flesh, the weaker I was to manipulation… And so I sleepwalked deeper into fantasy…"

  Joy: “So was all this in the forest? Could it all have been from the flowers you ate?”

  Mother: "I have my doubts too because I found myself coming back to the forest again…

  I laid my back on a rock and stared at the bright full moon…

  I wondered if all of this was some sort of magic done by the man in it…

  The heavenly stone that has seen so much still lit up the entire sky with its beauty…

  I admired the earth’s grand lamp that could move oceans with its intangible force…

  Suddenly, it was as if the moon opened its wings and dove down toward me…

  I found myself staring into the deep eyes of the angry owl…

  Without warning, its sharp claws moved me away from my resting point…