by Mercy B
Despite how she felt, she knew her baby deserved more from her. Hampsher had lived without a mother. It was a scar that never truly healed and the consequences of that open wound could be overwhelming. That loneliness didn’t need to be passed along; it needed to sizzle out with her so that all she had was love to give and receive, even if Rafeeq wouldn’t be a part of that.
Hampsher knew that Rafeeq was aware of her consciousness. He shifted from where he sat carrying the light scent of his cologne over to Hampsher’s bubble of protection that she so called herself creating. Just a whiff of his scent made her want to moan aloud just so he’d know she appreciated the smallest details about him.
Yes, she’d tried to murder his father, however in Hampsher’s mind and heart, wanting to murder Rahmeek and love Rafeeq were mutually exclusive. She already knew within the depths of her that he wouldn’t forgive her. How could he when he never got to know who she really was? Rafeeq didn’t understand. He wasn’t aware of the internal turmoil that rammed itself into Hampsher’s insides whenever she thought about her mission. For so long her revenge kept her going. For so long it was all she thought about. Now that the opportunity to follow through already passed her by she wasn’t confident that she could continue down that path. They were all aware and likely would handle her with a long spoon. Hampsher’s access to Rahmeek would be revoked along with her access to the heart that beat inside Rafeeq’s chest.
Lost in no way described the way Hamspher felt. She felt detached from life. Detached from herself. The only thing keeping her grounded was her rounding belly that shielded her baby from the world. If she weren’t pregnant she would’ve happily gone out guns blazing despite learning the truth about her father’s cowardice. In the blink of an eye everything changed…
Except the way he looked at her. Even though his lips were coiled viciously like a snake ready to attack, his eyes swallowed Hampsher whole. In an instant all the oxygen flew out of her body desperate to escape. He made her hot; moist too. His upper body was exposed leaving him bare. Just as bare as Hampsher’s heart was. In one glance Rafeeq had her wide open. She yearned to spread herself thin to please him because she could feel his attraction sear through her veins. It felt like he’d injected her with a potent drug that she became more dependent on as the seconds ticked by.
Within the time it took for Hampsher to inhale then exhale it was all gone. Rafeeq had taken her on a mental hot air balloon ride only to take a needle and pop it. Hampsher literally deflated as everything about his demeanor shifted to something dark and menacing. A version of him that he’d never shown to Hampsher. Then it dawned on her. He looked at her as if she were his enemy. They’d officially reached a new low in their journey to forever.
Hampsher wasn’t expecting to be consoled or babied after all that’d transpired. She knew what she’d done. Knew that it wouldn’t be forgotten in the blink of an eye, yet she still saved a sliver of hope for Rafeeq being overjoyed that she was alive.
Hampsher winced as she sat completely up. The sharp pains caught her off guard as her hand flew to her midsection, though it wasn’t where the throbbing began. One look at her shoulder and she realized that she’d been patched up. In all the time she spent thinking, she hadn’t considered that maybe she had been shot. It wasn’t incredibly shocking. Bullets whizzed through the cellar like rain drops from a heavy thunder cloud. If she didn’t get hit that would’ve been more impressive. Releasing trapped air she thanked God that it was a minor injury and nothing that could take her before she was able to give birth. A bullet to the shoulder she could handle because compared to Rafeeq’s cold demeanor it felt like a mosquito bite.
Unable to properly breathe through another minute of Rafeeq’s consistent staring, Hampsher sat up straight and looked at the wall as if it were the most interesting wall she’d ever seen. The color was slightly faded, not quite white, but not crème either. Around the top the paint was cracked and peeling. She could guess it was because whatever space they occupied with their bad energy wasn’t used often. It felt familiar though so Hampsher knew it was within the Jones’ residence.
On the other side of the room Rafeeq was at war. He wanted to rush over to Hampsher and inspect her for himself. Though Bella ensured him that real doctors with degrees had checked on her and the baby, he still wanted to be sure. His disdain for her was real, but so was his love. The second she opened her eyes, he knew. It was like a magnet coming to life as he fought to keep himself confined to his bed. Without ever needing to put forth effort, Hampsher was beautiful. She’d been in a medically induced coma for days, but rose like she’d just come from hair and makeup. It baffled Rafeeq while making his stomach fold in on itself. He wanted to hate her almost as much as he wanted to breathe, however it just wasn’t happening. Hampsher was as awake as his love for her.
Neither of them spoke. In a room not much larger than a meat freezer in a fast food restaurant, their personalities ate up the extra space. Even without speaking they spoke. The silence was frightening, but they desired to do nothing to make it right. As far as either was concerned they were done and nothing could salvage what they’d had before the shooting happened.
Rafeeq leaned over to the little shelf near his bed to put on his shirt. He couldn’t stand to be near her any longer. Moving as fast as his body would allow, Rafeeq limped out the room. He’d never been down before, but knew somehow he was getting the hell out and away from her. Breathing was difficult when she was so close and he was so mad. One second he was determined to end her, and the next make love to her. With his emotions all over the place, being around her was a struggle.
Distance was the answer to their problems. Outside the door Rafeeq’s body slammed against the wall until he slowly drug himself to sit on the floor with his head resting in his hands. With slow, deliberate breaths, he was able to calm his racing heart and keep the woman downstairs off his mind.
When Hampsher heard the light push of a lock clicking into place she released her breath and fell back on the bed. The room was humid with stubborn sentiments. No matter if she moved or sat still it made her feel uncomfortable. With shaky hands she ran her fingers over her sore skin. Hampsher felt battered and bruised. It stung to even think. The feeling became so overwhelming that she knew she had to leave.
She had no reason to stay. Rafeeq didn’t want her and now that she was awake Rahmeek and Bella would also want her gone. Hampsher was best at making the hard decisions for others. She’d been hurt enough. There was no way she was going to sit around waiting for someone to rip her to shreds. The sanity she held close was hanging on by a thread. She was one bad word from losing her mind so Hampsher did what she did best.
On her feet she looked around the room easily finding the outfit she’d worn to the Jones’ residence along with her purse. Thankfully, her shoes lay on the floor right underneath the place where she’d gathered her belongings or she’d have to make a run for it barefoot.
Wringing her hands together she made a last minute decision of writing a letter to Rafeeq. Though they weren’t on speaking terms there was so much that she wanted to say to him. Since she wanted to be gone before he or anyone returned she couldn’t say it all. Only a few lines would do. With everything she’d been through it was all she had to give.
Rafeeq,
I can’t say that I’m surprised that I disappointed you. I always warned you that I was trouble, but you insisted on this. On us. Honestly, I’m not able to say that it was the worst thing that could’ve happened because it’s been beautiful. What we’ve created together is beautiful… But it’s also toxic. I’m no good for you. I know you won’t forgive me for what I’ve done either, so I am making the choice to remove myself before you remove me. My heart can’t take you rejecting me so it’s safer this way for us both. I know I can’t stay away forever because I carry a piece of you within me. No, I’m not talking about my heart. I’m referring to our baby. The love physically manifesting itself inside me. I’m thankful to be the woman t
o house your seed and I will do my best to keep myself afloat until I am able to deliver this blessing to your arms. I’m unsure of what comes after that, I just know for now distance is best for us. Sometimes love just isn’t enough…
Love,
Hampsher
Tears plopped on the paper as she signed her name at the bottom. The letter was short and powerful. With a small window of time it was the best she could create. All she was willing to commit to explaining herself to Rafeeq. He hated when she ran but she had no other choice. Why would she wait around? Only heartbreak was desperate to meet her on the other side of the door.
Hampsher jumped when the footsteps began to bounce off the walls carrying down to the room she was preparing to leave.
“Hey, you’re awake,” Bella spoke softly as she fully entered the room. One look at Hampsher and she knew what she was preparing to do. It wasn’t Bella’s place to judge, however she wanted to speak her mind. “If you run away that’s on you but do not make my grandchild suffer because of it.”
Hampsher remained frozen in place until Bella returned back upstairs. Her shoulders burned as she released them from warming her ears. She half expected Bella to attack her. The fact that she was kind further encouraged Hampsher to leave. With a hand to her belly she began to climb the stairs unsure of where it would leave her. At the top of the staircase she decided that Bella had only been nice because of Hampsher’s pregnancy. Her breathlessness reminded her that she was indeed carrying. Pausing to rest her hand on the door she controlled her breathing before pushing the door open.
Hampsher’s head whipped back and forth as she assessed her surroundings to figure out which part of the house they’d stashed her in. It took a minute to realize that she wasn’t too far away from the kitchen, almost directly beside the cellar. A chill rushed down Hampsher’s spine as she recalled the shooting. Only bad karma was inside the home. The time would come when she’d have to answer for it, so Hampsher wasn’t in a place to absorb anymore. While inside she’d never be able to breathe correctly.
As soon as she lifted her right foot to head towards the front door a shadow appeared on the wall. By its massive size Hampsher assumed that it was Rahmeek. Out of habit she reached for the gun she typically kept on her. Coming up empty handed she cursed under her breath. Going within her purse she located her pocket knife. With her hand still inside the bag she held on to the knife as if her life depended on it.
The shadow drew closer until a body revealed itself. Hampsher released the knife, however her body remained tight. Rafeeq took one look at Hampsher with her belongings and stopped walking. He’d made his way to the kitchen for a drink. In the back of his mind he expected her to run because it was what she did best. He gripped the glass in his hand so hard that his fingers lost their color.
Their eyes connected and time slowed until the world around them became a blur. Rafeeq wanted to punch a wall. Hampsher wanted to sink into the floor. At opposite sides of the hallway neither considered saying a word. With so many on their heart where would they begin that didn’t involve yelling, cursing and tears? Hurtful words seemed so unnecessary. Silence was the easiest resort. It was safe for them so they stayed there.
Little worms crawled over Hampsher’s skin as Rafeeq judged her soul. He didn’t need to say a word. She knew all the horrible things he was saying about her. Had he taken the initiative to utter just one word to her she wouldn’t have found it necessary to run as she always did. Instead he gave her the silent treatment which left her in a worse position than if he would’ve just cursed her out. Silence was intimidating. With him giving nothing away apart from the fire in her eyes Hampsher had no clue where she stood other than on shaky ground that threatened to crack and swallow her whole.
Their stare down lasted for longer than necessary. It was difficult for them both to ignore the parts of them that wanted to embrace the other. Rafeeq’s body relaxed as he slowly turned his head to face the wall. The house came back into scope as Hampsher watched him. She paused after her first step to see if he’d stop her but he didn’t. Rafeeq bit down on his back teeth causing his jaw to flex. It took everything in him to not snatch Hampsher up as she walked by being sure to stare directly into his face.
Hampsher closed the heavy front door behind her choosing to rest her body against it. Her chest heaved as she tried her best to keep the waterworks at bay. Gently knocking her head against the front door she practiced a breathing technique then took off into the night.
Chapter Seven
The sun rose and fell twice before Bella was forced to intervene. For two days she watched her son shuffle through her home like a zombie. He hadn’t been sleeping and each time she offered him food, he declined. Bella recognized his depression off rip because she’d lived through her own recently. In the blink of an eye she understood how it must’ve felt for Reign to see her that way. So much so that she had no choice but to call her daughter and apologize. Had she not been there Bella would’ve truly lost who she was, laying in one spot day in and day out, refusing to do much of anything other than breathe.
No, she couldn’t allow her son to fall so low. She needed him to know that he wasn’t alone because seeing Rafeeq falling down the same rabbit hole shook her to her core. As she always would she was prepared to save him from himself. He didn’t need to suffer. With no idea on how she would begin she prepared to go talk to him about the entire journey to where she’d last seen him. She prayed for God to guide her tongue. Everything that Rafeeq needed to hear she asked him to send it through her. She wanted him to hear the voice of God and realize that he had so much life and love left to give. Even for Hampsher. Even after what she’d done. They both deserved forgiveness. Bella was more than willing to be the push that sent them both racing towards that.
Light chatter drifted from the living room where Rafeeq had been curled on her couch like a baby still baking inside their mother. As she turned the corner she realized that the television had been switched to ESPN, however, Rafeeq’s attention wasn’t on it. He stared at the screen but his eyes penetrated through the surface, letting Bella know he wasn’t there mentally. He’d drifted off as he had been doing since he woke up and it was time for him to be brought back down to Earth. Since Hampsher was no longer in the home the responsibility reverted back to his mother.
In a swift motion she sat next to him while gathering the remotes to end the program and the many systems attached to the television to keep it up to par. Rafeeq instantly came out of himself to glance at his mother. “I was watching that,” he stated in a clipped tone.
“We need to talk,” Bella ignored him instead. Turning so that they were both facing the black TV screen, Bella inhaled then released it just as fast. “You can’t keep going on like this,” she advised him with raw sincerity. Already aware of the reason that she felt they needed to talk, Rafeeq was fully prepared to ignore his mother. His plan was to sit in silence and hear her, but not listen. All of that changed the instant her voice escaped through the gap between her lips and asked him, “Do you want to be with her?”
“Do I want to be with her?” he mocked her. Rafeeq chuckled silently. Running a hand down his face he stopped as his hand dropped into his lap. “No.”
“Then what are you doing?”
Rafeeq’s jaw twitched as his agitation level spiked. “Whatchu mean what am I doing? Mom, I’m chillin’. What’s wrong with that?”
“Everything. You’re here because you know once you walk out that door you’ll just go running to wherever Hampsher is and I just feel like if that’s what you want to do then… do it.” Rafeeq wasn’t prepared for his mother’s suggestion. If anything he’d much rather she tell him to stop moping around like a bitch and go make some money. He’d never questioned Bella’s love and loyalty to his father until that question.
“How can you support that knowing what she did?”
Bella shrugged her shoulders, “Because I also know what she didn’t do. From the way your father spoke on
it, if Hampsher truly wanted him dead he would be. She’s not the average woman that you see from day-to-day. There’s more to her. Pain buried deep.” Bella shuffled so that she was now facing Rafeeq with her feet tucked underneath her body. “What I find most beautiful is that she knew who you were. Despite everything else she still managed to fall in love with you. Can you imagine how much it must’ve eaten her up inside to be around us?”
“Why does that matter?”
“I don’t know,” Bella smiled widely. “I just know that it does. She’d not as bad as you think she is and the situation that happened doesn’t have to be the end of that relationship.”
Each time Bella opened her mouth she said something what Rafeeq was least expecting. “So, you’re telling me if I make shit work with Hampsher that there won’t be any bad blood from y’all? I hear you saying one thing, but I’m finding it hard to believe that you’ll just let the shit slide.” Bella opted to not speak as she shrugged her shoulders instead. “I don’t think I can do that. I’ll never look at Hampsher the same.”
Bella stood from the couch with a smug grin. She heard every word her son said, but didn’t believe a word. His heart was too invested in Hampsher to just walk away. He’d never truly walk away. He was only making life harder for himself by pretending that he didn’t want Hampsher anymore. Rafeeq could deprive his flesh for only so long before he had to nourish himself. Bella understood that despite what happened that nourishment would come from Hampsher and Hampsher alone. They were meant for each other. Yes, Hampsher had tried to take her husband, but Bella had no intentions of forcing her to suffer for the rest of her life because of it. She very well could’ve kept the two apart but they’d both been through so much and they deserved love. They deserved happiness. Bella wasn’t going to stand in the way of that. Neither was Rahmeek. They came to a mutual understanding that Hampsher thought she was doing what was needed to avenge her mother. Now that Rahmeek’s truth was out there her desire to kill him would fizzle away. If he hadn’t already killed her father he was sure that Hampsher would’ve completed the mission. In their eyes the past was the past, and they looked forward to the future with their expanding family. Soon Bella would have another grandchild, one that would be local. She would much rather put her energy into spoiling the baby senseless. Rafeeq and Hampsher could figure out the rest.
