Old Wounds

by Ren Hamilton

  “We’re different,” Wesley said. Then a snicker bubbled out of him.

  Joey’s lips curved in a smile. “Different, yes. But also the same. Weirdly the same.” Joey’s gaze drifted over Wesley. “I hated you so much.”

  “I hated you, too.”

  “But I really hated you.” Joey laughed, and it turned into a cough.

  Wesley grinned. “Oh, I really hated you. But not for the same reasons.”

  “You helped Shep,” Joey said. He rubbed his bruised neck. “Really put yourself out there for him. Put yourself in danger for him. Why?”

  Wesley swallowed hard, sensing he was in delicate territory. He decided on honesty. “Partly because my own life was in danger. And partly because I care about him. Not that it pleases me to admit that.”

  “But if you care for him...” Joey shook his head. “Wouldn’t you want to be around him?”

  “There are different levels to caring,” Wesley said. “I don’t want to see him harmed.” He chuckled. “Not anymore, I mean. Things were different years ago. The bad times between us.”

  Joey nodded.

  “But I don’t care enough to be his Sword. You do.”

  Clearing his throat, Joey said, “Speaking of things hard to admit… Part of my anger toward you was because you were the first. I’m always going to feel like a backup plan.”

  “You’re the right choice,” Wesley said. “You’re his Sword. That’s why it didn’t work with me. I was always the wrong one.”

  Joey looked at the floor. “You don’t believe in his cause.” He looked up. “Will you try to stop him again?”

  Wesley shook his head. “All I want is some peace. If Shep alters the world in the meantime, I won’t even know. And I won’t interfere.”

  “I wonder if we’ll always feel each other,” Joey said. “You and me. Or if it will wear off.”

  Wesley shrugged. “I lived with the shadow of Shep’s energy for decades. I’m sure I can block you out if need be.”

  There was a long silence as they locked eyes, the essence of each other swirling between them. “Do you believe in fate?” Joey asked. “It’s kind of weird. You needing my blood. Then me needing yours. You being there for Shep when I was too broken.”

  Wesley bowed his head, smiling. “I don’t know. When Shep first found me, he said it was meant to be. But we all know that was not so. I don’t think any of us will ever know if fate is real. I’d say maybe we’ll know when we die, but listening to Shep, it sounds like things are as confusing in death as they are in life.”

  “And you and I aren’t going to die for a long, long time.”

  Wesley sighed. “Yeah.”

  “You’re not happy about that? We don’t age. What more could you want?”

  Wesley stared Joey, his strange anti-twin. “You have a family, Joey. Fucked up and out of this world as it is, you’re part of them. It makes sense you’d be so content. I don’t have that.”

  “You can if you choose to,” Joey said. “You can stay with us if you want to.”

  Wesley stood. “That is tempting, especially now that we’re...getting along. But I just want to go back to New Hampshire, pour a nip of brandy, and curl up on the couch with my dog and a good book.”

  Joey managed a full grin. “That sounds boring as shit. You’re an odd motherfucker, Wesley.”

  “Thank you,” Wesley said. “That is literally the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

  Joey lifted his hands. “I must be going soft.”

  “I have to go.”

  Joey got up and grabbed Wesley in a warm hug. “Thank you. For helping him.”

  Surprised, Wesley shrugged sheepishly. “I’d say ‘anytime’, but I don’t ever, ever want to do that again.”

  Joey gave him a punch on the shoulder. “Stay the fuck out of my head, or I will kill you in your sleep.”

  “That goes both ways.”

  “You think I want to be in your boring head? Afraid I’ll catch you masturbating to pictures of ducks or something up there in New Hampshire.”

  Wesley chuckled as he opened the bedroom door. He turned to Joey. “Hey,” he said. “Even when you were a dick to me, you intrigued me. Because your personality was so strong.”

  “Point?” Joey said, squinting his purple bruised eyes.

  “You’re an individual, Joey. As much as Shep has linked you to him, you’re still yourself. You need to remember that. Always.”

  “Oh my God,” Joey said. “A ‘be yourself’ speech? You are such an old man.”

  “I realize that.” He gave a little bow. “So indulge me. I know how happy you are with your lot in life, being bonded to him. But you’re still an individual. You’re funny. You’re magnetic, and it’s not just the blood enchantment. Trust me, I know all about that.”

  “I suppose you do.”

  “And you’re arrogant. And you can be a real fucking asshole.”

  “Again. Point?”

  Wesley hesitated, then said, “Don’t lose that. I don’t want you to end up like me.”

  Joey stared back at him, very still for a moment. “What do you mean? What’s wrong with you?”

  “I am irreparably altered. Not the same person I was before I met Zirub. I started out strong and feisty. Rebellious. My individuality ironclad. I ended up fearful and broken. I…lost something of myself along the way.”

  Looking unsettled, Joey gestured to himself. “This is what you used to be like? That’s what you’re saying, right? You used to be a lot like me.”

  “Yes,” Wesley said. “Exactly like you. But worse. Far more challenging.”

  Joey huffed. “Doubt that.”

  “For Christ sakes, Joey, I tried to push Shep back into the void.”

  “That’s right, you did!” Joey laughed. “You sent Shep into a forty-year funk. You were way more of a bastard than me.”

  “And I miss it,” he said. “I let him erase that part of me. The brave part. The cocky part. Even the joyful part, though I’m working on reclaiming that.”

  “You make it sound so bad. Like it was torture for you,” Joey said. “Being his Sword. Was it?”

  “There were good times…and bloody, torturous, ruinous times.” Wesley let out a long sigh. “It’s complicated.”

  “I ain’t going anywhere,” Joey said. “I’m grounded until I heal. Talk to me. I want to know.”

  “I’m not here to trash talk Shep. I’m merely saying it goes both ways, that power he has. But he’s different with you. I hope it stays that way.”

  “Different with me, how?”

  “Nicer. He treats you with a delicacy.”

  “What?” Joey shook his head. “Shep is anything but delicate with me.”

  Wesley laughed hard. “Oh, my dear sweet thing.”

  Joey frowned, then it turned into a laugh. “What? He is! He smacks me upside the head when I piss him off.”

  Wesley’s laughter trailed out of him, and he looked over Joey’s wounds.

  Joey moved closer. “What is it? Tell me.”

  “It’s hard for me to see you like this. What happened to you with Allisto? Your injuries?” He took a breath. “Shep did that to me once. Just as bad. But without the bite marks.”

  Joey’s mouth slackened. Moments passed. “That’s…very surprising. And disturbing.”

  “I’m sorry,” Wesley said. “I didn’t have to tell you that.”

  Joey looked at the floor. “I may have my soul calmed, but I still know what’s right and wrong,” he said. “And I know a lot of what he...what he’s done is hard to take. If it weren’t, he wouldn’t have had to suppress my conscience. But it was my choice. I’m where I want to be.”

  “I know. I’m just reminding you that a bond that strong can be a double-edged sword. It cuts both ways. I’m pleased to see you still on the sunny side of the street. When that energy shifts against you, it can get very dark.”

  Joey stared at him and swallowed hard. “He thinks he’s not human. And I suppos
e he’s not. But life has kicked the shit out of him, the way it does to all of us. He’s mellowed, just like anyone. He’s changed.”

  Wesley gave him a nod. “I hope that’s true. Just...don’t ever forget what he is.”

  Joey tilted his chin up. “I know exactly what he is. He’s mine.”

  Wesley turned to leave, fearing he’d upset him.

  “Wesley.”

  Wesley paused at the door.

  “Have fun cuddling your dog. And thanks. For talking to me.”

  Wesley smiled. “My pleasure.”

  He pulled the door closed and went back to his room to grab his bag. His mind flashed back to his very first interaction with Shep, so long ago. The way he’d stumbled when he walked. His trouble pronouncing words. He’d seemed so harmless at first, when he was new. Before Wesley ever felt the scorch of his mind’s heat when he burned him as punishment for disobedience. Before he watched him scream until his eyes bled yellow. Before he was beaten unconscious while the body of his aunt grew cold on the cave floor.

  Had the Zirub he’d known really changed? Mellowed? He hoped so. For Joey’s sake.

  For everyone’s sake.

  ****

  Shep heard Wesley leave his bedroom, then move down the hall. He’d heard the muffled voices of Wes and Joey talking, pleased at their occasional bursts of laughter. But he knew Wesley was getting ready to leave, and his heart was heavy. And he was nervous, because he had to speak with him before he left. He had things to say. And questions he was afraid to hear the answers to.

  Obrien’s scalding reprimand from the other day at Litner’s still plagued his mind. It certainly wasn’t the first time he’d experienced guilt over how badly he’d messed things up and damaged Wes. But he’d always had his anger at Wesley to shield him from it. After the past few days, that anger had fully dissipated, leaving him raw and emotional about his former Sword. Regardless of Wesley’s assistance with Allisto and the tentative truce between them, Shep still saw the hurt, fear, and weight of the past in his expression every time their eyes met.

  He walked to the top of the stairs, and saw Wesley down in the foyer, bag slung over his shoulder, just about to leave through the front door. “Wes.”

  Blue eyes blinking rapidly, Wesley looked up at him. As always, there was that small frown between his brows, that fearful caution on his face whenever he looked at Shep. “Hey. I thought you were still sleeping.”

  Shep took two steps down, then stopped. It wasn’t like he could throw his arms around Wesley and hug him. This hadn’t been a family reunion. Just an emergency alliance, and that was about to end. He settled for sitting on the steps, Wesley a few feet away on the foyer below. “I put some paperwork in your bag. Along with my contact info.”

  “Paperwork?” Scowling, Wesley shifted his bag to the floor.

  “You don’t have to look at it now,” Shep said. “It’s just a couple things you’ll need. The house is in your name now.”

  Wesley’s eyes widened, and his lips parted, but he seemed at a loss for words.

  “There’s also some details about your bank account.”

  “My…bank account?”

  Shep nodded. “I won’t be having deliveries sent to the house anymore. But I’ve set you up with your own account. And enough money to keep you comfortable for at least one lifetime. I know it doesn’t make up for the past. It’s not for reparations. It’s just to…give you your life back.”

  Wesley went very still, cheeks flushing pink. A breath leaked out of him and he pressed his hand against the wall to steady himself. “You’re letting me go? Finally?”

  “Yes. Your life is your own, Wes. Putting that paperwork in your bag is the last thing I’ll ever do without your consent. You’re free.”

  Wes’s expression was suspicion edged with hope. He ran fingers through his blond hair, then chuckled. “I’ve got to sit down.” He gave Shep his back and sat on the bottom step, head in his hands. “Is this for real?”

  “Yes.”

  Wes nodded, but remained silent.

  “Do you need a ride to the bus station?” Shep asked.

  Wesley stood again, facing him. “No. I’ve got a car coming. It should be here any moment.”

  Shep stood too, disappointed when the action made Wesley flinch. He still fears me. Even now. “Thank you for everything you did for us, Wes. I won’t forget it.”

  Wesley nodded. “I guess this is goodbye then.”

  “Do you think…” He started the question but it got stuck in his throat.

  Tilting, his head, Wesley’s brows rose. “Do I think what?”

  Sitting again, Shep wrung his hands together. “Do you think there can ever be peace between us, Wes? Real peace.”

  “Oh.” He scowled. “Peace. Um…”

  “And forgiveness,” Shep said. “I’m asking for your forgiveness.”

  “My forgiveness?”

  Nodding, Shep let out a shivering breath. “Yes.”

  Shaking his head, Wesley huffed an incredulous laugh. “You want peace now? Now that I’ve finally found the strength to stop obeying you? Now that I’ve started to build my own life? Because I have, Shepherd. I appreciate the gesture, and the money, but I don’t need your permission to have my own life. I’ve grown stronger. With the help of friends like Patrick and Steven mind you, but I found the strength on my own. And it did not require your blessing.”

  “Wes—”

  “All these years, I’ve been branded the one who wronged you. The one who committed the ultimate sin against you. Any transgressions committed against me and mine were treated as paltry and insignificant by you. You punished me. Locked me away. Shamed me. Hated me. You made me feel as small and repulsive as you told me I was. But now you want peace? Forgiveness?” He shook his head. “I appreciate the house. And the money. And you officially giving me my freedom back. But peace may be a step too far, Shepherd. At least at this time.”

  “At this time?” Shep said. “Or never? We’re never going to speak again? Is that what you’re saying?”

  Sighing, Wesley closed his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know.”

  Nodding, Shep said, “I’ll take that. I’ll take I don’t know. But I can’t bear never. You were my child. You’re still my child. I love you, Wes.”

  Wesley chuckled. “If you truly do love me, Shepherd, then I’m sorry for you. It must be excruciating, knowing how badly you’ve harmed someone you love.”

  “It is,” Shep said. “You have no idea.”

  They both heard a car engine pull up outside.

  “Safe travels, Wes.”

  He picked up his bag, and gave Shep a final glance. “Thank you.”

  As he opened the door, Shep said, “I’m keeping your name.”

  Wesley looked back at him. “Keep the name, Shepherd. As long as you know, it doesn’t make us family.”

  And with that, Wesley went out the door and was gone.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Winter. It blew into Vermont with a windy chill that had Juris wincing, pulling his knit hat tighter down over his ears as he walked beside Shep up Church Street. “Why,” he said, feeling his nose hairs freeze stiff. “Why must we live in this weather, Shepherd?”

  Shep slung his arm over Juris’s shoulders and gave him a squeeze. “Come on. It’s nice in the summer. It’ll be warm in the pub, we’re almost there.”

  Juris glanced at his brother, bundled in a beige canvas coat, multicolored knit hat pulled down over his dark blond curls, cheeks pink from the cold. “So I take it I should just let you lead, and say as little as possible during this meeting?”

  They turned into the pub entrance, then stepped inside, the rush of warmth hitting them. “That would be best,” Shep said. “I know how to handle him.”

  Unzipping their coats and tugging off their hats, they moved past the crowded tables, spotting Agent Litner sitting at a booth in the back. He looked strangely underdressed in jeans and a thick, cable sweater,
glancing up as they approached.

  “Hey,” Shep said, slapping his hat on the table.

  “Shep.” Litner smiled, but it was restrained. “Juris. Sit down, join me.”

  They slid in on the other side of him, and Juris picked up a menu. “I’m starving. The veggie burger kicks ass here. I love those caramelized onions.”

  “Be careful,” Litner said, studying his own menu. “There’s cheese on that.”

  “Eww,” Juris said. “I don’t get mine with cheese. So gross.”

  A waitress came over and they ordered; bacon burger and a coke for Litner, veggie burgers and beer for Shep and Juris. When she’d taken the menus and departed, Shep clasped his hands in front of him and looked at Litner. “So here we are,” he said. “I’d ask what you wanted to see me about, but we’d both be pretending, wouldn’t we?”

  Litner nodded. “Straight to the point, as always.”

  “I’m a direct guy. How have you been?”

  “Busy. But it’s business as usual, which is nice for a change. How have you guys been?”

  “Living the good life,” Shep said.

  “Except for the fucking snow,” Juris said. “I feel like I’m always wet.” He shook his hat out.

  Litner chuckled. “Hasn’t been that much in Boston yet. But I didn’t come to talk about the weather.” He looked at Shep. “I like you, Shep. I even respect you, to a degree.”

  “But?” He looked up as the waitress set his beer in front of him. “Thank you, my dear.”

  “Food should be up soon. Anything I can get you in the meantime?”

  “We’re fine,” Litner said, impatience stiffening his jaw.

  She nodded and walked off. “So you were saying,” Shep said. “You love and respect me.”

  “Like. I like and respect you. But I can’t let you distribute that crop. You know that, Shep. You know I have no choice but to investigate you.”

  Shep took a sip of beer. “You already have been investigating me. For a while. I think you forget who I am, Litner. I can always tell when you’re sniffing around.”

  “No.” He shook his head. “I knew you’d be aware I was monitoring your activities. But I had no choice.”