“He’s a large angry man with a bad childhood and no one to love him. And just like with you, she can wrap him around her finger.”
My father frowns at where Cobain carries a weapons bag and food cooler into the house. “He’s dangerous.”
“So are we.”
“Yes, but we’re family.”
Exhaling, I look up at the dark gray sky. “Neri won’t go without him.”
“Did she say that?”
“Of course not. Neri doesn’t talk about her feelings. She’s like you.”
“And you’re like your mother, huh?” he grumbles before running a hand through my hair.
I’m struck by the words he said earlier. “If Sunny hadn’t grown up in a cult, she might never have loved me. If she were normal, I wouldn’t have met her. Even if I had, she wouldn’t want our life.”
My father studies me with his dark eyes. “Normal is overrated. Your mother is far from normal, and she’s the best person I know.”
Smiling, I run my hand through his messy hair like he did mine. “I love Sunny so much it hurts to think she might not love me.”
“Why would you think she doesn’t?”
“I’m the first man to treat her well. She says she loves me, but I wonder if that’s her heart speaking or her need to survive.”
“Your mother had no one. I saved her from that life. But she loves me. If she were normal, she wouldn’t love me. I don’t think I’d have loved her either,” he says, frowning at the idea of not loving Mama. “Fuck it. I don’t care what would have been if we were different. She’s mine, and I’m hers. If Sunny’s yours, then none of that other shit matters.”
Reassured by his words and presence, I hug Papa. “Thank you.”
My father’s always been a good hugger, even if he hates for non-family to touch him. Today, he gives me a solid embrace before we’re joined by an annoyed Cobain.
“Can you two get your asses in gear?” he asks as he walks toward the front entrance with another two bags while Robin follows behind. “The weather’s turning to hell, and we need to get inside and lock this place down.”
Papa unveils an impression glare at Cobain. Unfortunately, the other large man can’t see out of the back of his head and misses the entire show.
“He has a point,” I say and walk to my SUV. “We don’t have much time.”
Papa nods as his gaze studies the distant road. We both know the chance of someone attacking the safe house tonight lessens with the arrival of a storm. The ground here is already muddy in places. More rain will hamper maneuverability along with visibility. Even the stupid, bald men at the nearby compound must realize that attacking a safe house on a clear day will lead to several of their deaths. The bounty might be worth a few dead friends, though.
However, hitting the safe house in the midst of a powerful storm means they might as well just shoot themselves and save us the effort.
SUNNY
Mia is somehow more scared of me than I could ever be of her. Based on the videos I’ve seen and the stories Kai told me, I expected her to be beautiful and fragile. But she’s more delicate than I imagined.
She’s very interested in Anika as they play with her snow globes. My baby wants to keep one so badly, but I sense Mia can’t part with any. I don’t say anything, and Anika doesn’t ask, but I see my daughter eyeing them and then her bag.
“I’m going to buy you snow globes once we get home,” Kai says when he returns to the room and notices her interest. “You’re going to have so many toys.”
Anika frowns because she thinks he means the homestead when he says, “Home.”
“Kai’s home,” I tell her. “Like on the tablet with the beach.”
Smiling now, Anika wants him to pick her up. She gets more agitated as soon as we leave the bedroom. The main room has a high ceiling and shakes when thunder bangs outside.
“I love you,” Kai tells Anika, who hugs him. “We’re going to be home soon, and you’ll get to see the ocean.”
Standing as close to Kai as possible without literally clinging to him, I’m afraid to look at Jake. His dark eyes and scars make him scarier than he seemed in the videos. I worry he’s angry at me. There’s no doubt he’s mad at Cobain.
The seven of us—and Robin—stand in the main room, while the weather outside gets worse.
“Storm will last two days,” Cobain says after checking his phone.
Jake’s frown grows meaner. “We can’t stay at this house for that long.”
Cobain’s dark eyes flash with irritation. “We can’t chance getting derailed by flooding on damaged roads.”
“The skinheads won’t look for us in a storm,” Jake growls, glaring at Cobain.
I step closer to Kai while Neri inches between the men. Mia wraps her hands around Jake’s wrist and stares frightened at the ceiling. She and Anika don’t seem to notice the tension. They’re more afraid of the shadows cast against the walls of the big room.
“We’re looking at heavy rain, possible hail, and even a tornado warning. If we get stuck out there,” Cobain says in his rumbly voice, “we’ll be sitting ducks, and there’s no one around here to call for help. Every tow truck driver in the state will sell us out.”
“Papa,” Neri says gently before adding, “Cobain. Please, shut up.” They both frown at her, but she only smiles. “Even if we could safely drive through this storm and the roads weren’t an issue, we have people in our party who are very sensitive to thunder and lightning.”
Cobain glances at Anika and me while Jake looks at his wife, still gripping his wrist. Mia flinches at every snap of thunder while my baby hides her face against Kai’s shoulder when a flash of lightning brightens the room. I even cover my ears when the thunder sounds ready to tear apart the house.
Kai wraps an arm around me and nods at his sister. “We must remain here until the storm passes. Then we should do as planned and leave at dawn when the skinheads are the least likely to be on guard.”
A frowning Jake studies the house. “This place isn’t safe for a child. They left weapons everywhere.”
“We’ll clear out the important rooms,” Kai says, sounding relaxed despite the tension in the room. “Then lock the dangerous ones and make the best out of our downtime.”
“Happy shit,” Cobain grumbles, but his ugly frown softens as soon as Neri steps closer to him. “I’ll look over the security system to make sure this place is locked down tight. Also, where everything is and if there’ll be any surprise visitors.”
“We’ll remove the weapons,” Kai says and hands Anika to me. “The kitchen is right there. Why don’t you, Mama, and Neri check over our food supplies?”
“Why me?” Neri mutters.
“I don’t want them to be alone.”
“Then you should stay with them, and I’ll hide the weapons.”
As much as I’d rather have Kai remain with me, I keep my mouth shut and watch the siblings bicker in another language. I wish I could do that thing Neri does with Cobain, where she knows how to move or smile right to make her man bow to her. Kai soothes me, but I never soothe him. One day, I hope that’s no longer true.
Jake finally says something to his children in Spanish that makes them both smile.
“I’ll go with you,” Kai tells me and takes Anika back in his arms. “My mama is a great cook. We’ll see what we can make for dinner.”
Mia stops staring at her husband and smiles at her son. “I only know how to make a few things.”
“But you make them so well,” Kai murmurs and gestures for her to follow.
I mimic Mia’s smile and follow them to the kitchen. Behind us, Jake, Neri, and Cobain go to their tasks.
“We’re in luck,” Kai announces as he opens the freezer. “We have lots of options for dinner. If we’re forced to remain here for a few days, we’ll be well-fed.”
“I don’t know how to cook,” I tell him.
“I don’t know what that is,” Mia says, pointing at a large piece
of meat.
Kai never loses his cool. Smiling at the three of us, he shrugs. “Okay, well, maybe we’ll just have Cobain cook for us, and we’ll be his helpers.”
“Cobain is the big man?” Mia asks.
“Yes, he’s Neri’s big man.”
Mia clearly missed this detail earlier and giggles behind her hand now. “You both found love,” she finally says after flushing bright pink. “No wonder Jake is so mad.”
“Papa doesn’t like change,” Kai says and hugs her. “So, it’s good that we’re making all the changes at one time. Soon, it’ll be like Sunny, Ani, Cobain, and Robin were always part of the family.”
“Robin?” Mia asks, confused now.
Kai sees a chance to distract Anika from the storm by asking her, “Who is Robin?”
Grinning, she cries out, “Dog!”
“That’s right. We have a new pet.”
“I don’t like dogs,” Mia announces.
“Ah, but Robin is a lonely, old dog who needs our love. His former owner left him behind, and his new owner is a giant grump.”
With so little effort, Kai has the three of us eating out of his hand. Mia and Anika stop focusing on the storm and instead look around the kitchen for goodies. I find a brand of cookies I remember from my childhood. Opening the package, I inhale the scent of chocolate chips. I’m afraid to take a bite, though, and ruin the happy memory. What if they don’t taste as good as I remember?
Rather than eat the cookies, I close the package and follow Kai back to the big room where he finds a TV hidden inside a shelf.
“Remote?” Anika asks, following him around now. “Please?”
Kai flashes a smile at me when he hears her remembering her words. “Here it is. Be careful. The sound might be loud when it comes on.”
After helping her turn on the TV and lowering the sound, Kai lets her go wild with pushing the buttons. Every place we stay at has a different kind of remote. I don’t know why the world has so many choices. Or how Kai and Neri never seem bothered by all of them?
Anika finds a cartoon that isn’t scary and joins Mia on the couch. They gently take out snow globes from the case and shake them. Watching my daughter and Kai’s mother bond, I feel left out. I want to shake the snow globes too, but is that only a kid thing? I can’t be a child anymore. Leaving the homestead doesn’t mean I get to have my childhood back. I have to be a grownup, and that means I can’t play.
But Kai and Neri played in the pool. And Mia isn’t a child, and she’s playing with the snow globes. Except they’re hers, so maybe she doesn’t want me to touch them. I’m not a cute little girl like Anika. But she let me touch them earlier. I don’t know what to do. Am I allowed to ask? I don’t want to embarrass myself with Mia. Kai loves his mom so much, and I want her to think good things about me.
Mia suddenly notices me watching her, and her nervous expression makes me feel guilty. Lowering my gaze, I don’t know the right way to behave.
“Sunny’s mama died when she was a child,” Kai explains to Mia.
“Was she a good mama?” Mia asks in a way that makes me think her own wasn’t good.
“Yes,” Kai says, wrapping his arms around me. “Her mama loved her, but she died, and Sunny’s father took her somewhere bad. I think Sunny sees you and misses her mama.”
I fight my tears, knowing crying is a mistake. Anika will get upset if I’m upset. I need to stay calm.
Kai, though, whispers, “Don’t hide from those who love you.”
I look at him and shake my head. “Crying doesn’t make anything better.”
“Perhaps, but it doesn’t make anything worse.”
“Anika will get upset.”
“Then she can give you a hug, so you feel better. Then I’ll give her a hug, so she will feel better.”
I wipe my eyes and smile. “How are you so perfect?”
“I had a happy childhood, and I’ve found my woman and child. It’s easy to seem perfect when life hands me such blessings.”
Mia looks at Anika and then at me and then at Kai and then back at Anika. She does this for nearly a minute before nodding.
“Kai is perfect,” she says.
Her son chuckles. “She always says that.”
“She isn’t wrong.”
“I seem perfect because things are easy for me. They aren’t easy for you, but you’re still perfect to me.”
Smiling bigger now, I relax against him. “I don’t know the right things to say or do.”
“No one does. We’re all just guessing.”
Just then, the thunder booms, and the TV flickers. Anika stops wanting the snow globes and now reaches for me. Forgetting about feeling sad or nervous, I comfort her. I’m getting better at knowing how to be a good mama after watching the way Kai and Neri treat Anika. They don’t tell her to hush or expect her to hide inside her head. They want her to feel the world, not just survive it.
Mia sits next to where I hold Anika. Every sound of thunder causes her to flinch. Unable to stop myself, I wrap my arm around Mia and hug her to me too. She seems so small in my arms even though she’s a grownup. Comforting Mia and Anika make me feel stronger. Being a grownup isn’t so bad. A little kid can’t do lots of stuff I want to do with Kai.
When I look up at him, his expression startles me. His golden-brown eyes are filled with so much love and pride. I bet his expression could keep me warm for the rest of my life.
Kai loves us despite our flaws. Or even because of them. When I think of how amazing Kai is, reaching his home feels more possible. Every time something gets in his way, he quickly deals with the problem and keeps moving forward. Nothing can stop him.
NERI
Papa and I make quick work of removing weapons from the main living areas. He talks to me during the process, mostly about how Mama cried every night we were gone. He isn’t trying to make me feel guilty, though.
Mama cries a lot. Her feelings are easily hurt, but she also quickly rebounds if someone distracts her. Papa felt a lot of pressure being the only one around to cheer up Mama. We’ve always been a team of four with a select few outsiders allowed into our world.
This is why Papa remains cold to Sunny, Cobain, and even Anika. I would wager anything that the child will have him wrapped around her finger by tomorrow. Anika is a ray of sunshine when she forgets about that cult nonsense and just follows her little heart.
I decide to follow mine by searching for Cobain when Papa goes looking for Mama in the main room.
Entering the security room at the rear of the house, I admire the view of Cobain’s broad back and shoulders straining against his black sweater. His thick hair hangs loose, inspiring me to run my fingers through it.
Rather than touch him, I ask, “Are we safe here?”
Cobain doesn’t turn around quickly. He merely glances over his shoulder and unleashes his dark gaze on me.
“We’ll survive the night.”
Turning around finally, he crosses his arms and leans against a desk as sleek as his black hair.
“I’ve fallen in love with you,” I admit.
“I don’t care.”
His apathetic tone startles me, but I immediately ask, “Because you don’t love me or because you’re a cruel man?”
“Why can’t it be both?”
His words shouldn’t bother me. I’m aware Cobain trusts no one. His heart might not be capable of love after so long alone. I still let myself hope. He left his safe house, remained with us, and craved my attention. Call me naïve, but I assumed even if he didn’t love me that he at least cared.
When my teary eyes offend him, he grumbles, “Fine, I love you. Now, stop.”
“Are you saying that because your heart demands it or because you don’t want me to cry?”
“Why can’t it be both?”
Wiping the tear on my cheek, I sigh. “I thought I was in control of my heart. That first night with you, I didn’t believe it could be more. Then you tempted me to think bigger.”
&
nbsp; “I didn’t do shit.”
“It was all you,” I growl and then add weakly, “I did nothing.”
Cobain wants to smile at my dramatics. Except he’s angry at my father for wanting to ditch him, and me for loving him, and the world for refusing to bow to his will.
“Should I not love you?” I ask, resting my back against the door. “Should I prepare for you to leave me after all this is over?”
“Can you turn on and off your feelings so easily?”
“No, but I can harden my heart so it won’t hurt as much when you leave me.”
“Why am I the one leaving?” he demands. Taking a breath, he asks through gritted teeth, “Isn’t it more logical for a young woman like you to leave me once she’s back in the luxuries of her home country? Don’t put this on me.”
Cobain’s anger tells me that he’s afraid. I’m offering him the comforts that life denied him, but his heart believes I’ll discard him as so many people have done before.
“Years ago, when I first started dating, Papa didn’t adjust well to that reality. He stalked me during my dates, hounded the men, and even threatened them. Insane behavior, to be sure, but I never thought less of him for wanting to protect me,” I say and then close my eyes because I can’t bear to look at Cobain’s cold dark ones.
“But when I thought Papa would kill you, I didn’t know if I could ever love him in the same way if he pulled the trigger. You’ve taken ownership of a part of my heart. While I don’t know if you have any interest in keeping it, it’s yours now.”
Opening my eyes, I find Cobain frowning as if I’m a hysterical wench that he must flee.
“If you can’t love me,” I say in a steady voice, “you can still find peace in Nicaragua. This country offers you nothing. Once there, you and I can be friends.”
“While you fuck other men?”
“And you fuck other women!” I yell with far too much anger. “If you think I won’t kill them, then you don’t know me at all.”
Cobain moves across the room and invades my space. “I can never trust you.”
“I know.”
“I trust no one.”
Shellshock (Spent Shells, #2) Page 12
