Pushing away those memories, I cook dinner for the group. Neri helps me, but she doesn’t care about seasoning or cook times. Relaxed this evening, she teases her father over his frequent yawning.
“Papa misses his bed,” she says as if she doesn’t fear she’ll lose everyone she loves tomorrow.
I admire her ability to set aside worries that’ll ruin her. It’s a skill I used to have. Then she and that kid entered my life, reminding me of shit I want to forget.
Around six, we eat at the long dining room table. Is this how life will be in Playa Cielo? Every day with the same people laughing and bickering. I could get used to them. I did with Nilsson and DeMarco, and neither man was half as interesting as this family.
But the kid will be a problem. She watches me as I walk around the table, dumping stroganoff on each plate. When I get to hers, she refuses to look away. I don’t know what she wants, and she rarely makes sense when she opens her mouth.
Then, to prove me wrong, she says as clear as day, “Thank you, Cobain.”
The room falls silent. They’re all turning stupid over her ability to speak. I just stare at her and see Gino.
Finally, she looks away and starts eating the food I cooked. I remember Gino liking the sandwich I made him once. He wanted me to talk to him. Why would I, though? I was his father’s bodyguard, not the kid’s fucking nanny. Even if I was, the family’s policy was to ignore the child.
“Make my son tough, so he’ll take over the business one day,” his asshole father demanded more than once from the nannies.
Each one wanted to coddle Gino. The kid constantly cried, desperate for affection and attention.
“Don’t make him soft!” Alfredo roared when one of the nannies chose to hold the crying child.
I was very aware that Gino’s situation was fucked up, but he wasn’t my problem. No one was. Technically, I only had to keep the asshole alive. Not that I’d lose any sleep if he died. I’d just get another job. My life meant nothing. Neither did theirs.
When Anika sits on her knees to reach the plate easier, I think of how easily a child’s tiny body can break.
“Cobain, can I have some?” Neri asks softly when I remain stuck behind Anika’s chair.
Shaking off those memories again, I finish filling the plates before sitting next to Neri. She doesn’t demand answers, and I appreciate her ability to give me space.
Priscilla always wanted to know what I was thinking. Not because she cared. No, she just enjoyed ripping people apart. If I said I was thinking of my mother, she would remind me that I hadn’t been able to save her.
“Do you think she blamed you, Cobain?” Priscilla always asked while feigning sympathy.
During dinner, I glance at Neri. There’s little doubt she’s very capable of doing cold-blooded shit. In fact, I’ve never seen her give a second thought to the people she’s killed.
But she’s never amused by suffering. When I mentioned my mother’s death at the last safe house, Neri clearly wanted to comfort me. She read my signals and allowed me space, though.
Like she does tonight. Rather than push me, she subtly caresses the back of my hand. I don’t have to spell out that too much affection in front of everyone would embarrass me. She just knows. More importantly, she accepts I’m an asshole and doesn’t expect me to change. She thinks I’m enough.
That’s why she can’t know that I let Gino die. Neri will never look at me the same. She’ll wonder why I hadn’t taken charge like she did with Sunny and Anika? Did I have no heart?
Cheap women and expensive booze silenced my urge to help him.
Yet I wasn’t blind to how Gino wouldn’t survive if no one stepped in. While my mother couldn’t offer her heart to me, I was given the basics. I never went to bed hungry. The nanny hugged me when my mother wouldn’t. I was well educated. Not once did I wander the house, starving and covered in shit.
Alfredo was evil. I knew that, but so was I. How could I save a fucking kid?
So, I didn’t. He died alone one night, and I buried his little body. Not much older than Anika, Gino just wanted someone to love him. There was no Neri or Kai to save him. No Sunny to hold him when he was afraid. No one cared, so he didn’t get lucky like the girl enjoying my stroganoff did.
Being a hero isn’t one of my skills, but I know how to kill. I butchered his father and the men who tried to stop me. I burned down his gaudy house filled with crap that he valued more than Gino.
But I didn’t save the kid.
And Neri would have.
There’s no amount of killing that’ll fix what I allowed to happen. Hiding for a decade didn’t change anything either. And telling Neri the ugly truth won’t alleviate my guilt or bring Gino back to life.
Despite my unease, I’ll have to find a way to deal with Anika. She isn’t Gino. If we survive the next few days, she’ll grow up and think of me as her grumpy uncle or some shit.
Then one day, I’ll have a kid with Neri. Her heart will demand one, and I won’t be able to tell her no. Somehow, I’ll look at my child and not see Gino’s sunken eyes staring blankly like when I found him at the bottom of the stairs.
Though I’ve fucked up a lot in my life, I won’t dump my guilt on Neri by telling her the truth. No, I’ll carry the burden of that kid’s death alone.
SUNNY
Kai says tonight will be the last we spend in this house. I’m relieved, I guess. This place isn’t home. It’s where people stay when they’re in trouble. The men who lived here are dead, and I keep wondering where their bodies might be hidden. Jedidiah would say I’m the reason they died. I’ve caused so much suffering because I refused to follow the rules.
He’s probably right, but I don’t care. I’m tired of rules. Besides, more than anyone—even Jacob, who held Anika’s head down with his boot, or Kenneth, who always hit me—I hated Jedidiah the most.
Listening to his lectures every day, I believed he knew how wrong and stupid their beliefs were. The other men often behaved as if on the verge of violence but never him. He remained calm, happy even.
But, of course, Jedidiah got to live in the nicest hutch and watch TV and use a heater when it was cold and air-conditioning when it was hot. He got to rape all the women and boss around all the men. He got the best of everything and never paid any price. So, yeah, he probably was happy.
Even if that evil man’s voice lives in my head forever, I refuse to listen to his lies. I don’t care if he’s right or wrong. I’ll think like a free person and do what makes my family happy.
It won’t always be easy. I struggled with Kai in the bedroom. Sex feels good, but it also feels a little like the rapes. They both involve the same parts and stuff, so my brain kept imagining that people were watching like they did at the homestead. As much as I want Kai to fuck away all my bad thoughts, he keeps reminding me how there’s no magic fix. I’ll have to trust him because I’m not sure I can always trust myself.
After a delicious dinner in a dining room where everyone sits together and eats like a family, we move to the main room with the TV. We don’t watch anything, though. Neri plays Motown songs for Cobain, who seems sad or angry. It’s hard to tell with him.
Kai and his father stand near the front windows, talking about tomorrow. I can’t hear them, but they don’t seem upset.
After digging around her suitcase, Mia reveals three boxes of puzzles for us to play. I choose the one with the ocean because that’s where I get to live with Kai and his family. Anika helps me at first with the puzzle, but the pieces are too small and look too much alike.
“This one, Mama?” she asks, handing me piece after piece. I notice her getting frustrated when none of them are right.
Like magic, Kai swoops her into his arms, so they can dance to a song called, “The Tears of a Clown” by a singer named Smokey Robinson & The Miracles. Anika holds on so tight, loving his hugs as much as I do. Then he dips her like he did me at Cobain’s safe house, and she giggles. Laughing too, Kai looks so happy that I can forget abou
t how tomorrow we’ll face more bad people and then fly on an airplane.
Kai promises he’ll help me stay calm, and I trust him, but I’m still scared. This house isn’t his home, but it’s where I first had real sex with a man I love. It’s where Anika danced and played. It’s where I met Mia and Jake. Even though I’m still not sure if Kai’s father likes me, his mom already makes me feel special.
“I’ll show you how to do everything,” she promises when I ask about living at her house. “You didn’t have a mama for a long time, but I’ll be your mama.”
“And a grandma to Ani,” Kai says from nearby.
Mia smiles wider and looks at Jake. “I’m a grandma now.” Her husband chuckles at her excitement, and his smile widens when she says, “And you’re a grandpa.”
While Jake scares me sometimes, I think he’s just like Cobain. They wear mean faces, but they’re not cruel like the men at the homestead. Jake and Cobain act angry on the outside to make people leave them alone.
Cobain doesn’t even smile much for Neri, but he watches her as if she’s the most important thing in the world. Kai is open about how his heart feels, but Jake and Cobain hide what’s inside. That’s just the way men like them work.
Which is why I’m surprised when Cobain speaks to me. He won’t even look in my direction most days, and that’s okay. I only really want Kai to look at me. Even though I’m intimidated by Cobain, I try not to seem afraid when he mentions my name.
“Sunny, do you know what happens to people who attack safe houses owned by the Arizona Moving Company?” When I shake my head, he looks amused even though he doesn’t smile. “They get fucked hard. Your cult friends won’t be around much longer.”
“What will they do?” I ask as Kai still bounces Anika in his arms.
“My guess and this is just a guess since I’ve never been a part of their execute teams. But I bet they’ll show up at your old compound with a twelve-man, four-unit team. Hit the place at night, kill anyone armed. Likely all the men. If the women in the cult were fighters, they’d kill them too. Then the team would disappear as quickly as they appeared.”
“I’ve loved to see that,” Neri says, smiling at Kai.
“Now it’s possible,” Cobain says, scratching at his beard, “that they’ll send the Feds to do their dirty work. I’ve heard of them using that tactic, but this situation really requires a more personal touch from the Company. Violent nuts respond better to blood and pain than law and order.”
“What if Jedidiah says he didn’t know the safe house belonged to the Arizona Company?” I ask.
“Doesn’t matter. I lived at their safe house for a decade, taking care of their property. I sent a message to headquarters about the attack. Who are they going to believe? Besides, appearances matter more than facts. If the Company looks weak, they’re asking for more push back all over the world. They’ve been around since before I was born. Longevity isn’t afforded those who accept the word of cult leaders.”
I smile at the thought of Jedidiah feeling fear. More than once, I’ve wondered if Jacob was one of the men who died when the safe house exploded. I’ll never know for sure who died, but Cobain’s words give me great pleasure. When Jedidiah lectures me in my head, I’ll imagine him begging like he made me beg.
≫EIGHT SPENT SHELLS≪
KAI
On our final morning at the safe house, Ani doesn’t want to wake up. She looks at me with her big brown eyes and asks for more sleep. Though telling her no breaks my heart, I feel like a proud papa when she gets up without a fuss.
Last night, we packed up most of our supplies in the two SUVs—Cobain’s Yukon and the safe house’s black Suburban to replace the one shot up days ago. This morning, we enjoy a quick, light breakfast and move our final bags into the vehicles.
As the rain dies down outside, Mama gets gung-ho with prepping the back seat. She pushes the armor plate against one door and then organizes Ani’s blanket and pillows.
Papa reassures Mama that her snow globes are safely packed in the suitcases tucked in the third-row seats. Then he plants a kiss on her lips and reminds her to stay calm.
“I’m in charge of Sunny and Ani,” Mama tells him, and he smiles in that way Papa only smiles for her.
With Mama on one side and Sunny on the other, Ani dozes off as soon as we start driving. I’m at the wheel of the Suburban while Papa watches for threats. Behind us, Neri drives the Yukon. She wanted to ride shotgun with Cobain at the wheel. Her theory was if someone needed to hang out of the window and fire on enemies that she’d fit better than Cobain.
Papa shot down that idea immediately. Imagining her so exposed created a crack in his calm exterior. Cobain wasn’t much better.
“You’re a better driver,” he said, trying to force the keys in her hand.
“Liar.”
“Okay, it’s true that I’m a better driver and a better shot. If I must choose what I’m best at, though, it’s taking a bullet from some skinhead. Now take the keys,” he insisted.
Despite approving of Cobain’s response, Papa hid that support from the other man. Later, as the sun comes up, Papa opens up to me by admitting the obvious with, “I don’t like Cobain.”
“I can understand that.”
“But I think he’s suited for your sister.”
“Really?” I ask, surprised by his sudden shift.
“He is a pathetic loser,” Papa mutters, staring at the road ahead. “But he knows he’s a pathetic loser. Cobain understands how he’ll never find a woman half as good as Neri. I sense he’ll treat her well because of that understanding. Besides, I want her safe, and I believe Cobain will die to protect her. Him being a pathetic loser is why I have chosen to accept him.”
“I’m sure Neri will be relieved to hear that,” I say and then add, “But maybe we don’t mention the pathetic loser part. You know how angry she gets when anyone speaks poorly of a person she loves.”
Papa nods. “I raised good kids.”
I pat my father’s forearm, needing to reassure him that no matter what happens today—or ever really—that he was a good father.
When Papa’s gaze grows worried, I distract him by asking, “Did you know Neri kneed Cobain in the crotch when we first arrived at his house?”
Papa chuckles at that thought. “That’s my girl.”
We share a fleeting smile before approaching the Aryan-connected gas station. Since leaving the safe house, we’ve passed no cars. The fields next to the two-lane road are flooded, and we frequently slow to avoid branches blocking our path. Neri keeps her SUV paced behind us by several minutes. Far enough to act as backup, but not so far that she loses sight of us.
Just before we fly by the gas station at seventy miles per hour, I instruct Mama and Sunny to duck down. If everything goes well, the child won’t need to wake up until we’re far from this territory and near the airport.
Then Cobain comes over the radio to inform us that we’ve caught a tail. In the rearview, I spot an old blue truck clocking probably eighty to catch up to us. Behind it, Neri doesn’t panic and continues driving at a steady pace.
We’ll have to decide very soon whether to attack first or pray the blue truck will back off after discovering only two men in our vehicle.
Based on the mood in this SUV, I doubt we’re in a praying mood.
COBAIN
Earlier in bed, Neri makes me promise to protect Mia over her if things go sideways. I agreed because lying shuts her up. However, if things go wrong on the road today, my main concern will always be Neri. She’s insane to believe otherwise.
I’m not immune to her worries over Mia, though. If Mommy dies, Daddy probably won’t survive without her. I assume the same scenario works for Kai losing Sunny and the kid.
Which begs the question, why can they put their women first, but I have to worry about Neri last? What the fuck is the difference between what they feel and what I do? Am I not in love enough for Neri’s safety to be my number one priority?
“I don’t want you to take a bullet for me,” Neri declares not long after we leave the safe house. “I can’t watch you die.”
“Will you shut up?”
“Love fills me with so much fear.”
“It’s shit, I know.”
Seeming oblivious to my bad mood, Neri smiles. “I can’t wait to get home to the beach. In my head, I smell the ocean, feel the breeze on my skin, and see you naked in the surf. The pictures in my mind are unbearably close to becoming real.”
I shoot her a frown. The last thing I need is a hard dick when I’m trying to focus, but she gets me worked up with thoughts of her naked and wet. Though Neri doesn’t look at me, I catch her grinning at my arousal.
Her teasing offers a brief distraction from the fact that we’re coming up on the gas station tied to local skinheads. A hundred grand would be a bonanza for assholes like the ones living around here. They’d probably spend it on weapons and drugs, feeling like big men rather than talentless twats who murdered women and reclaimed a child for a cult.
A blue truck bolts out of the gas station parking lot as soon as the Suburban passes by. Neri is forced to slow down to avoid hitting the fucker.
“Here we go,” I say, rolling down my window.
“Should we wait to see what they do?” Neri asks while absentmindedly checking her flawless hair tied back into a perfect bun.
“See that skull sticker on the truck’s bumper?” I ask and message Jake that it’s go-time. “Those Aryan fuckers won’t back off when they see your non-white brother and father driving a tricked-out SUV. At the very least, they’ll try to rob them, maybe grab the women to sell.”
“But we could be the people from the safe house?”
“Those guys were white. A fact these assholes likely know. This road is prime for bandits,” I say before adding, “Keep the Yukon steady while your daddy shoots the truck’s driver in the face.”
Neri tightens her grip on the steering wheel and presses on the gas.
Shellshock (Spent Shells, #2) Page 16
