“I went years without fucking, and now I get to fuck your daughter. That means I won’t cheat,” I say as he literally growls like an animal. Continuing, I explain, “I lived alone with that dog for a year, so I’m easily impressed by shit. Neri pushes me around effortlessly, meaning she’ll always get what she wants. And finally, I am not friendly, and I don’t want to be your pal. That means we’ll stay out of each other’s way.”
“I like that last part.”
“How about you put away this relationship shit until we survive the next few days?”
Jake gives me a wary nod. “The airport is four hours from here.”
“At least half of that is through the Aryan’s territory.”
Giving up his pissed daddy stance, he orders me to meet him in the kitchen after I change. We’ll work out the logistics for tomorrow. I’m well aware he’s taking a big step by explaining where the airport is located, let alone the rest of the trip to his home.
Neri will definitely be proud of her old man. I’m just relieved I won’t have to worry about him shooting me for now.
KAI
Sunny sits against the headboard with her knees covering her chest and her crossed ankles blocking my view of her sweet pussy. Holding her gaze, I rest on my side across from her on the bed.
Since we last made love, Sunny’s been in her head. I don’t push her to explain what she’s thinking. She knows I’m here if she needs me.
“Sex makes babies,” she says finally. “Did we just make one?”
“It’s possible. Women usually get pregnant during specific times in their cycles.”
“Do you hope we did?”
“If you did get pregnant, I would spoil our child just like I plan to do with Ani,” I say, choosing my words carefully. “However, I think it would be best if you didn’t get pregnant for a year or two.”
“Why?”
“You spent so long with that cult. Why not give yourself time to adjust to your new home?”
“But sex makes babies, and I want to have sex.”
Smiling at her tone, I whisper. “I want sex too.”
She shares my grin. “I didn’t get pregnant except for Anika. I got my period every month. They said my body was poisoned.”
“They’re foul, stupid people.”
“But then why did I only have Anika?”
“Sunny, I can’t claim to know much about women’s fertility. I’m sure stress and diet affect it.”
“But if I can’t get pregnant, then we can have sex without worrying.”
I finally catch on to what she’s saying. “We could also use birth control to avoid pregnancy. That way, it wouldn’t be guesswork.”
“I don’t know what birth control means.”
“There are ways to have sex without getting pregnant. A doctor can help us when we get home,” I say and then add quietly, “I should have waited until we had condoms at least, but I was selfish and wanted you.”
Sunny shakes her head. “I begged for sex. You would have waited.”
“I was begging with my eyes.”
Smiling behind her hand, she shakes her head again. “I don’t want to stop for a year.”
“My sister is on birth control. She takes pills to keep from getting pregnant. You might be interested in that. If you don’t want pills, we can use condoms. We’ll go through all those options once in Nicaragua.”
Nodding, Sunny adjusts her position, so she’s mimicking me. “What if I can never have another baby? Even after we want one?”
“Then, we’ll enjoy our daughter and each other.”
“Won’t you want a son? Men at the homestead said boys were blessings.”
“And what do we say about the people at the homestead?”
“They’re stupid,” she says as her hazel eyes study me.
“And evil. You’ll learn new things from people who aren’t stupid or evil. Together, we’ll teach those things to Ani.”
“Do you not like her name? Is that why you call her ‘Ani’?”
“I want to shorten it like your mother did with your name. Does that bother you?”
Sunny immediately smiles. “No. We can name our babies whatever you want.”
“We’ll both decide. In the same way, we’ll decide together if we’re ready to try for a baby. That’ll be both our decisions.”
“I’m not good at choosing.”
“For now. We’ll see how you are after you grow accustomed to freedom.”
Sunny takes my hand. “I’m afraid to have another baby.”
“I know. I’m afraid too.”
“I’m also afraid we’ll never have one,” she says, gripping my hand. “I prayed so hard not to get pregnant. What if my prayers mean we never have one?”
Her words hurt my heart. Sunny took a big step today. More than once, she started panicking. Rather than fall apart, she communicated her fear even with only a simple, “No.”
My attempt at oral sex sent her to a dark place. The expression she wore made me think she believed I would die. Likely, she remembered more of the cult’s vile lies. Probably, something stupid like her pussy leaks toxic waste. Who the hell knows what idiotic lunacy they came up with to convince the women to avoid pleasure?
While I could have tried reasoning with her, Sunny’s nowhere ready for me to explain every step of everything we do. When she said, “No,” I replaced my tongue with my cock, and she settled right down. Straight fucking is what she understands. The other stuff will have to wait until we can remove years of brainwashing.
This is also why I don’t waste time explaining how praying doesn’t affect fertility. Sunny thinks she’s rejected the cult’s teachings, but everything she does is affected by an evil rule they came up with. In fact, her casual nudity has nothing to do with feeling sexy. Sunny has no sense of self. She never checks her appearance, and I don’t think she knows how sexy I find her.
But she doesn’t need to understand yet. All Sunny must do is get through each day. Once she’s in the real world—and safe houses and hotels don’t count—she’ll learn about herself. Knowledge will come naturally rather than through lectures, punishment, or programming. I don’t want to train her to behave for me. I need her to learn what she craves in life. I just hope I’m always what she wants.
“Can we...” Sunny asks before cutting herself off. She turns around, so her back is to me, and then she lowers her body into her submission pose. I immediately know what she’s asking for and how I won’t agree.
My fingers caress her spine as I crawl next to her on the bed.
“I want you to have sex on me like the shepherds did,” she says.
“So, you’ll stop remembering them?”
Sunny wears a wild, childlike expression. “I want to think of you.”
“But it won’t be that simple. You’ll still remember the bad stuff, and I think you’ll remember it very strongly if we do what you want now.”
Her hopeful gaze loses its light. I scoot over and nuzzle her shoulder. “One day, we’ll have sex doggy-style. Do you know what that is?”
Sunny’s expression answers my question, so I explain. “You’ll get on your knees and hands, sort of like a dog walks on all fours. Then I’ll kneel behind you. With my hands free, I can touch your breasts and your clit while I move inside you with my cock. That’s better than you submitting.”
Eyes wide and breathing faster, she says, “Let’s do that now.”
I love the way her eyes glow with arousal, but I have to disappoint her again. Sunny is not ready for me to be behind her, where her mind will quickly flash back to the men who raped her in a similar position. I suspect a tiny part of her wants to feel bad about sex. We all have a self-destructive side, and Sunny’s needs to feel shame about her pleasure. I have no intention of helping her feed her ugly side.
Instead, I crawl to the headboard. “We will once we’re in Playa Cielo.” Patting next to me on the bed, I wait for her to come closer. “I want to look at your face
when we fuck.”
Sunny is slow to join me. She feels teased by my description of doggy-style sex. Even after years of submitting to the cult, she retains a stubborn streak, and she doesn’t like being told no.
Finally, she crawls over to me. I guide her right leg over mine until she straddles me. “Do you like watching my face when I come?” I murmur as my fingers slide down her breasts.
Sunny stops pouting long enough to admire the spot between our bodies. When my fingers tease her clit, she uses hers to stroke my cock.
“I love watching your face,” I say, and Sunny smiles. Her mind forgets about submitting and doggy-style. She instead zeros in on where I lift her hips and enter her.
“You get to be in charge,” I whisper in her ear as my hands guide her hips. “You need to keep sliding your pussy over my cock. Can you do that?”
Licking her lips, Sunny perks up as she gets the hang of the movements. “I want you to come.”
“I will, but first, I want to watch you. You’re so beautiful.”
Sunny remains very, very focused on how to move her hips until I bring her to orgasm. Only then does she lose her composure. With her arms wrapped around my neck, she bounces wildly, taking me deeper and deeper as she holds onto my shoulders.
“I love you,” I groan, basking in her unbridled lust.
My arms keep her snuggly against me, holding her while she fucks me harder and harder. I should worry more that she’s reenacting something the shepherds did to her, but I’m so close to an orgasm that I can barely speak. Sex with Sunny breaks me a little. No one’s ever made the act of coming feel as if my heart’s being squeezed.
My lips suck at her sweaty throat, making Sunny moan with pleasure. She touches herself between her legs and helps herself to come when I do.
Cupping her face and kissing Sunny, I wish I could express how proud I am of her. A week ago, she was sleepwalking through a hellish existence. Now she’s taking charge of her body.
“I like this way,” she says as we catch our breaths, and her hips still roll against mine. “I want to touch you and hold you.”
Despite her smile, Sunny’s hazel eyes reveal a rawness. She’s on the verge of pushing herself too hard and spiraling toward a panic attack.
I hold her against me, softening my touch, making it less about sex and more about comfort. Sunny’s smile grows as my fingers trace her face. She feels more present, less in her head.
Resting with her in my arms, I speak softly about how humid the summer gets in Nicaragua and how strong the ocean can smell. She likes hearing about the bad stuff, I notice. I think knowing our home isn’t perfect makes it more real for her.
“This is the first time of many times, but it was the best time I’ve ever known,” I tell her as we dress.
“Because you love me?” she says, sounding a little on edge.
“Because you own my heart like no one else ever could.”
Smiling, she wraps her arms around me and just holds on. She needs to get her mind off sex. Despite the pleasure, her body remembers when fucking meant shame and pain. Those ugly feelings linger in her gaze.
Then, as if the universe realized Sunny needed a distraction, Ani wakes up and draws her mother’s attention. Sometimes, the only way to deal with pain is just not to think about it. Until we’re safe at home, that’s what Sunny will need to do.
NERI
I sit with Anika while my brother enjoys quiet time—well, that’s assuming Sunny isn’t loud in bed—with his woman.
Mama braids my hair while I sit on the couch with the sleeping child. There’s a part of me that craves a baby now that I’ve fallen for this one. No doubt, the urge will settle down once I’m home. But I can’t help imagining a little version of Cobain—a handsome boy with thick hair and eyes as dark as coal. Sighing at the lovely thought, I watch a kids’ movie and wear a silly smile.
Earlier Cobain and Papa went out to feed the safe house’s dogs. They return wearing different clothes and head for the kitchen. Based on their demeanor, they’re discussing plans for tomorrow.
Though I want to be involved, leaving Anika isn’t an option. She’s been sound asleep for over an hour. If nothing bothers her, she’ll likely sleep another thirty minutes. No way will I chance waking Anika and stealing a second of time from my brother and Sunny.
The child finally stirs when Robin stretches wrong and whines in pain. Seeing the girl’s eyes flutter, I message Kai to let him know to finish up.
Soon sitting, Anika rubs her eyes and looks around. She doesn’t panic. Instead, she checks her bag and then smiles at me.
“Do you want juice?” I ask as my mind flashes back to the huge stock of apple juice Cobain kept at his safe house.
Completely awake now, Anika catches on very quickly that her mother and Kai are missing. She looks behind the couch to see if they’re hiding. When her gaze finds me, I see how she’s considering whether to melt down over this development.
“Cracker?” I ask because my child care talents only include playing and snacks.
Before she can begin crying, Anika flashes her gaze to Mama shaking a snow globe. My mother hands the object to me, so I can share it with the pouting child. Just like that, Anika is convinced to keep her composure.
Kai and Sunny arrive quickly afterward. Because of Mama’s fast thinking, they don’t return to a teary child. I give my mother a lingering hug, proud of her for staying calm today despite clearly wanting to leave this place.
Once I leave Anika with a glowing Sunny and my very happy brother, I join Papa and Cobain in the kitchen.
“How can I help?” I ask when they don’t acknowledge me.
Papa struggles with his words before finally saying, “Go with him to pick a replacement for the shot-up SUV.”
His instructions make my heart soar. This is Papa’s way of signaling that he might not be happy about Cobain, but he’ll learn to accept him.
Rather than embarrass him by making a huge display out of his gesture, I only give Papa a quick hug before walking toward the garage. Cobain follows me without saying a word.
“He’ll be your best friend soon,” I tease when he remains silent.
“You’re setting yourself up for a whole lot of fucking disappointment, Neri James.”
“We’ll see.”
Cobain lifts me in his arms and plants my behind on the hood of an SUV. His face immediately rests between my breasts and inhales deeply.
“Are you restless or afraid, Cobain?” I whisper as my fingers comb his thick hair.
“Don’t make me be a father.”
His words startle me. “I would never make you do anything. I’m the kindest of masters.”
Shooting me a dark look, he keeps his face burrowed between my breasts. “Children die easily. Wanting one begs for misery.”
“Did you have a child before?” I ask, running my fingers over his furrowed brow.
“Of course not.”
“Did you have a sibling?”
“Can’t I just hate children?”
“Of course. You can feel any way you want.”
Sighing, Cobain wraps his arms around me. “But then, you’ll punish me later for not doing what you want.”
“Why are you so worried about children suddenly? I’m not nearly ready for one, and you’re nowhere near ready. This is a worry for much, much later.”
“I see the way you look at the girl.”
“Just because I adore her doesn’t mean I want to immediately have a child. I’m crazy about your silly dog, but I have no interest in adopting another one when we get home. It’s possible to get excited about new things yet not want more of them.
His dark eyes hold my gaze. “Promise.”
“I promise we won’t worry about children for a long time.”
“What if you get pregnant anyway?”
“We’ll worry about that if it happens.”
“They die.”
“Everyone does, Cobain.”
Exhaling roughly, he holds me for another few minutes without speaking. I stroke his head and wonder what he did or saw in his life that makes him so afraid.
But I don’t push him. Cobain doesn’t need to explain. Growing up, I learned secrets are a necessity. My parents never explained exactly how they suffered in their childhoods. I don’t know much about my grandparents. Or what happened to the baby my mother lost. Sometimes to survive, damaged people need to hide the ugliness from their past. Secrets can offer power to them. That’s why I’ll allow Cobain to keep his.
COBAIN
Neri swears she won’t push for children. Women lie, even well-meaning ones like her. She was a virgin. Her birth control is untested and might fail. A child could already exist in its earliest form, but she makes promises about waiting until a fantasy time when fatherhood won’t be a mistake.
Of course, I’ll bow to her desires. That’s the price to keep Neri, and I can’t let her go. She improves everything—even tasks like watching stupid movies or siphoning gas from the spare SUVs.
To keep Neri, I’ll put up with just about anything. But kids should be a hard no. Not that I can explain why to Neri.
She’s a tough woman in many ways, but her heart is soft when it comes to children. I remember how she cried the night she babysat, and the kid went nuts and tried climbing into the tablet. Neri believes she can love a dark man, but my truth will prove too much.
Enjoying the feel of her arms around me in the garage, I choose to keep my mouth shut about Gino and Los Angeles. It’s a secret I’ll take to my grave.
Until the kid showed up at my safe house, I’d gotten good at forgetting Gino. Every time she cries, though, I hear him. Each tear brings me back to that decadent mansion in LA. Every time I catch sight of her napping, I think of the boy left to sleep in his piss on the floor.
It wasn’t my job to help him. I hadn’t given a shit about anyone since Priscilla. I wasn’t playing hero for that kid. I couldn’t save my mother or Priscilla, so why the fuck would I be able to help him?
Shellshock (Spent Shells, #2) Page 15
