“You’re finally home,” he says and rests Anika on the dirty ground.
My baby reaches for me, confused and sick. Is she afraid to wake up too?
Kai sits down on the dirt and gestures for me to sit between his legs like I did at Cobain’s safe house. He holds me while I hold Anika.
Kai doesn’t get mad at our tears. He just strokes my head and hers. Neri runs past us and jumps in the water. She doesn’t even put on a swimsuit first. Kai smiles at his sister’s behavior. Even though she looks so happy, I can’t stop crying.
“I’m afraid to wake up,” I tell him. “What if you’re not real?”
“That’s just the medicine, Sunny. It makes you feel strange, but that’ll go away. You know I’m real. No dream lasts this long.”
His words make me chuckle. “It has been a really long dream.”
“A wonderful dream, but it’s only going to get better.”
As Anika grips my shirt, I look out at the ocean and flinch when the water crashes against the beach. That’s when I remember how the dirt we're sitting on is called sand. I push my toes into it like Kai said he used to do. The sand feels rough but not bad.
“We’ll sit out here a little longer,” Kai says as Anika stares at him with wet eyes. “Get you relaxed before we go inside with the others.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, embarrassed to still be crying.
“I’d be more worried if you weren’t upset. You had a long day, but we’ll sleep in my room tonight. And then tomorrow night. No more driving. No more running. No more hiding. You’re home, Sunny and Ani.”
“Home?” Anika asks, still thinking that word means something bad.
“Ocean home,” he says and points at the water. “This is Ani’s home now.”
My baby doesn’t understand yet, but I’m starting to feel it. Under the drugs and my panic, the comforting sensation grows.
I find Kai’s gaze and smile. “This isn’t a dream.”
“No,” he says and kisses me with just enough heat to awaken the parts dulled by the medicine. “You’re home. That’s why I had to go to the United States. My heart knew I needed to find my Sunny and Ani. Now I have, and we never have to leave again.”
Smiling at my daughter, I watch the fear in her eyes fade. She crawls out of my lap and mimics Kai playing with the sand.
Behind us stands a two-story house where the others speak. I scan the surrounding area—no one is on the beach except us—and then look back at Kai.
Since the first day, he promised to take me to a paradise far from the Children of the Black Sun. I doubted him so many times. Even today, I didn’t fully believe I’d sit on the beach with my baby girl and the man I love. His promises seemed too perfect to be true.
Kai never doubted. He promised his home was a paradise where we could build a life together. I keep going back and forth on whether to believe in the dream.
But here we are on the beach in front of his house, just as he swore would happen. That’s why if Kai believes we’ll be together forever, nothing can make me doubt his dream will come true.
COBAIN
Playa Cielo isn’t the tourist trap I imagined. I hadn’t looked up information about the town or Nicaragua in general. Normally, I refuse to walk into a situation blind. However, I kept myself from getting too set on moving here. Just in case Neri changed her mind. I’m such a fucking baby sometimes.
At the airport, I stay busy with moving our supplies to the SUVs dropped off by friends of the family. Raz monopolizes Neri’s attention for the entire drive. I guess I could attempt speaking, but I’m not in the mood to pretend.
The James family’s Spanish Colonial house is located in a gated community on a private beach. Their nearest neighbors are rich foreigners who apparently visit for only a few weeks a year.
Once we pull into the wide driveway at the main house, I step out and survey the area. Lush trees block much of the quiet road. I hear the ocean even before I see it. The air smells salty, and I’m instantly aware of how overdressed I am.
Neri stops chatting with Raz as soon as we arrive. Like a deranged child, she runs out to the beach. I see her do several cartwheels before she runs fully dressed into the ocean. I admit her enthusiasm is sexy as fuck. She waves at me from the waves, wanting me to join her.
I don’t, of course. Edgy in my new surroundings, I crave a threat to worry about, but we’re finally in safe territory. No skinheads, cults, or various other wackos to worry about here.
Again, I focus on busywork. Once the supplies are in the house, I try to lure Robin out of his carrier. I’m fairly certain the dog hates me now. I’ve thoroughly fucked with his life. He refuses to even lift his head when I open the dog carrier. Water doesn’t interest him. He keeps his eyes closed and growls. When I do catch him peeking, the dog couldn’t say, “fuck you,” any clearer.
“Lover,” Neri says in Spanish as she stands damp in the kitchen where I linger near the dog. “No one fills out a sweater as well as you do, but it’s at least eighty degrees. Either you take it off, or I’ll tear it off.”
Neri’s words sound like a threat, but she’s sending me “fuck me” vibes with her eyes.
“Happy to be home, Neri James?”
“Happy to have the people I love home,” she says, knowing any bigger display of affections will embarrass me when there are people around. “Would you like to swim? Or we could visit our future house next door? Are you hungry?”
There’s no gentle way to tell Neri to shut the fuck up, so I say nothing at all. Kai appears behind his sister and whispers in her ear. I don’t know what he says, but she exhales softly.
“I’m going to change my clothes. Come with me.”
Neri’s room is what I expect from her. Nothing frilly, just calm, neutral décor. A queen-sized bed covered with a pale blue blanket. A few photos framed on a white dresser. No TV. I suspect she doesn’t spend much time in this room.
In her sizable bathroom, she strips down and jumps up on the counter. I don’t know what the fuck I’m waiting for, but it doesn’t occur to me to go to her until she opens her arms.
“We’re finally safe,” she says and strokes my head nuzzling her plump tits. “We’re home.”
Neri’s clearly soothing me rather than herself. I ought to tell her I’m fine. I’ve moved plenty of times. Nothing fazes me. I’m a fucking rock.
But I’m relieved to have her welcome me in her arms and inside her body. I probably fuck her too hard. I should care more about her pleasure. That’s shit I need to work on, but right now, I’m tense.
Until I come, and she smiles softly at me, I hadn’t realized how certain I was that Neri’s feelings were a con. Or that she would cut me loose once her family was safe. How could I not be expendable to her in the same way I’ve been to every person in my life?
Neri James doesn’t discard me. She doesn’t mock my need for her or laugh at how I’ve been a fucking fool. The true Neri is the one I fell in love with, and she’s ready to share her home with me. I don’t know if I can trust that reality yet. It’s possible I’ll always worry about her losing interest. I’m not a young man, and I’ve been skeptical for my entire life. People fail me. I fail them. That’s how things work.
But I’m willing to try something else now. Neri proved I wasn’t wrong about her. I assume the least I can do is prove she wasn’t wrong about me.
KAI
There’s no hiding my joy over Sunny and Anika spending their first evening in their new home. I’m always reaching over to caress their heads or kiss their cheeks. Today is the first day of their rebirths.
The medicine keeps Mama and them spaced out for hours after we arrive. They mostly sit on the couch in our living room. Mama remains agitated and keeps asking where Papa is even when he’s in the same room. Sunny flinches a lot, feeling on the spot. Having grown accustomed to moving from place to place, Anika settles in the quickest.
Raz chooses to stay the night. Tomorrow, he’ll visit his father bef
ore returning to Mexico. I can never thank him enough for bringing us home. When I express the debt that I owe him, he offers his usual casual smile and gestures toward Sunny and Anika.
“Take care of them, and we’ll call your debt paid.”
Once the medicine wears off, Anika gets hyper. She runs around the house with Neri and plays on the floor with Mama. Despite her good mood, she regularly checks to see if Sunny is still nearby. Anika knows no one will love and protect her as much as her mama.
Even after we all settle in for the evening, Neri and Cobain worry over Robin. The dog remains sluggish, refusing to eat or drink. I notice Sunny’s concern over the dog as we prepare for bed.
“We can’t rush him,” I tell her when we walk upstairs with Ani in my arms. “With time and patience, he’ll settle into his new home.”
I can’t be sure if my words are true. Robin is an old dog, and the trip put a lot of stress on him.
“We all have time to adjust now,” I say, tucking Sunny and Ani in bed with me. They both watch me with their tired eyes. “This is our home. We don’t have to leave. Tomorrow, we’ll explore the property and go swimming. There’s no rush to do anything more.”
“I need to learn Spanish.”
Ani hears the worry in her mother’s voice and wiggles closer to her.
“That might take a long time, but that’s okay. Everyone in your home speaks English. As do our friends who will visit in a week or two. If you take a very long time to learn, you’ll still feel comfortable.”
Sunny pretends to understand, but she feels pressure to fit into the family. I hope a good night’s rest will calm her fears.
Twice overnight, Ani wakes up and cries. She sees her mama and then me and then checks Duck and Doll. Both meltdowns last less than five minutes before she returns to sleep.
The next day, Ani talks nonstop while swimming in the pool and playing with Mama and Sunny. When she says something about Robin, I notice the dog sniffing around the house. He avoids us, lingering in the corners. Still, I’m relieved to see the old beast out of his crate.
Two days after we arrive in Playa Cielo, I realize Sunny is terrified of the ocean. Before then, I notice her agitation whenever we’re outside, but she won’t tell me what’s bothering her.
Walking out to the water, Sunny and Ani wear new pink one-piece swimsuits that Neri picked out for them. My sister bought them several new outfits, having a better idea of their sizes now. Tomorrow, we’ll travel to a doctor’s office to have them both checked out. Though I suspect they’ll hate the experience, I plan to reward them with fried ice cream. My parents always got me treats after doctor’s appointments, and now I can do the same for those I love.
Today, though, I want to introduce them to the ocean. While Sunny sits in the sand, I guide Ani to the gently cresting waves. Unlike her fearless behavior in the pool, my little girl hesitates before letting the water touch her.
“It’s a little cold,” I warn, shuffling closer.
Ani grips my hand, and her eyes grow huge, but she trusts me. Soon, the waves reach her little knees.
“You’re so brave,” I say, stroking her head while she stomps in the water.
Ani looks back to see if her mother noticed her big move. Sunny’s expression nearly tears my heart out. Ani gets one look at the bright panic in her mother’s eyes and takes off running back to her.
“You need to tell me what’s wrong,” I insist once we sit on the beach with my arms wrapped them. “You can’t hide from me.”
Fighting tears, Sunny struggles against a panic attack, but finally says, “Where does it end? How does it not come inside the house? Are there things that can eat us in there?”
I’m embarrassed by how it never occurred to me that Sunny might not understand how the ocean works. I know she hasn’t read a book since she was in fourth grade and who knows what she learned before the cult. I keep forgetting how much information remains completely foreign to her.
Looking out at the ocean, I try to see it the way she must—endless moving water with unseen creatures living in its depths.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were so scared?” I ask.
Sunny lowers her gaze. “You worked so hard to bring us here. What if I don’t like your home? Or I can’t cook? What if I never learn Spanish? I’m afraid you’ll regret loving me because I’m bad at everything.”
Ani looks hard at her mother, who lowers her head as if to submit.
“As soon as I saw you, I knew you were mine. Not because I thought you’d learn to surf or like tamales. My heart knew I had to have you,” I say, pressing her hand against my chest.
Ani puts her hands on ours and frowns at her mama. She doesn’t understand what’s happening. Is the ocean bad? Is her mama in trouble?
“Sunny,” I whisper, and she finally lifts her gaze to meet mine. “My feelings for you aren’t rational. Though they make no sense, they’re mine, and they make me happy. Even if you never step foot in the ocean, my feelings won’t change.”
“I don’t understand love. Like can it just turn off?”
“I’m sure it can, but it won’t with us. The universe brought us together. I can’t explain it any other way. We are meant to be together. That’s why we met, and I took you, and you’re here now.”
Staring at me with a gaze troubled by too many years of fear and pain, she whispers, “I need to make you happy.”
“And you do that by telling me what you’re feeling. Never hide from me. I need to know what’s in your heart. Just be honest. Can you do that?”
Sunny nods and looks down at Ani, who nods too. She tells her daughter, “I’m scared of the ocean.”
Our little girl leans around her mother to look at the water. “Bad?”
“No. I’m just scared.”
“Oh, no!” Ani cries, noticing her sand-covered feet. “Sick.”
Seeing them about to get upset, I casually wipe away the sand stuck to Ani’s damp legs. “It comes off.”
“Sand,” she says and looks to see if her mother is still upset.
“We’ll read about the ocean tonight,” I promise Sunny. “You can watch videos to help you understand. There’s no rush.”
“Does the ocean hurt?” Sunny asks, studying the water. “It smells different than the pool. Is there something in it?”
“Salt. That’s why you can’t drink it,” I say, standing up and holding out my hands for them to take.
“And chlorine is why we can’t drink the pool water,” Sunny says, remembering what I told her back at the hotel.
Immediately searching for her new favorite thing in the world, Ani asks, “Pool?”
“How about we stand close to the water?” I suggest. “Not where we’ll get wet, but just close enough for you to get used to it.”
“No, pool?” Ani asks me.
“Let’s help Mama first, and then we’ll swim.”
Hugging her mom’s leg, Ani smiles at me to show how she remembers the way to make people feel better.
I believe with all my heart that this radiant child will one day forget the pain she suffered early in life. Sunny protected Ani until my family could bring them in from the cold.
Though Sunny might never be as fearless or forget as fully as Ani, she pushes herself today. First by walking a few inches from where the water crests. Then by shuffling closer and closer until her toes disappear in the surf. Ani imitates her mother before again stomping around in the water.
Sunny reveals a big grin. Not only because Ani’s fearless nature grows every day, but because she conquered her own fear.
That’s how our life will be in the beginning. Sunny learning about the world and herself. Right now, everything holds such a huge significance for her. Is she kissing me like other women would? Did she use the right words? Will she ever feel exactly like she thinks she should?
With time, Sunny will find her way, and I’ll be with her for every step.
NERI
I never want to leave home
again. While this feeling will likely pass, right now, everything about Playa Cielo is perfection.
Ideally, my first week home would be spent hanging out with my family and enjoying Cobain. I’m not really interested in moving to my big, empty house next door. Furnishing it will involve a lot of choices, and Kai reminds me not to overwhelm Cobain.
My brother isn’t wrong. Cobain even refuses to buy new clothes despite his entire wardrobe consisting of sweaters and jeans. I do purchase for him a package of plain, black T-shirts and a pair of black swim trunks. Otherwise, he can walk around overheated.
On our second day home, Robin finds a spot under a palm tree. This is where I often find him. Occasionally, he’ll harass a passing crab. Robin takes to the heat far better than his owner.
Sunny’s first few days at the house are filled with tears, making me worry she’s already pregnant. Then she gets her period and cries more.
Kai tries to help her understand that her period is a good thing, but she’s miserable. I show her online articles about how a woman’s cycle works. She just cries louder. Finally, Mama takes over and gives Sunny a Midol. Her emotional meltdown chills out soon after.
Watching a calmer Sunny put together puzzles with Mama, Kai asks, “Why didn’t I think of that?”
“Yes, why didn’t you?” I tease despite never considering it either.
Sunny’s tears irritate Cobain. Anika’s inability to speak quietly also bothers him. He gets agitated over people visiting the house. The only time he settles down is when we’re in bed, or he’s in the kitchen. Cobain often needs something that I can’t offer.
That something shuffles into the kitchen on our fourth day home. Sunny stares at Cobain until he’s forced to acknowledge her.
“Spit it out or leave me alone,” he growls.
Sunny doesn’t do either. She steps closer and looks at the food he’s prepping. Catching the hint, he shows her how to peel a potato. When she loses her grip at one point, and it ends up in the trash, Sunny stares terrified at him. Rather than give her trouble for making a mistake, he removes the potato and hands it back once washed.
Shellshock (Spent Shells, #2) Page 18
