“I won’t give her a knife,” he tells me that night in bed. “If she wants to help again, I don’t trust her not to kill herself with the damn thing.”
“She’s hormonal and overwhelmed. Knives might not be smart.”
Cobain wants me to hassle him about Sunny. No doubt, if I encouraged him to teach her to cook that he’ll refuse. Instead, I just sit in the kitchen while they work each evening.
I have no interest in learning to cook better myself. I grew up happily with a mother who only knew how to make five things.
“And two are kinds of rice,” Cobain complains while we walk on the beach. “How have you people not starved?”
“Papa and Kai grill meat. Mama and I make rice. She also cooks a fantastic fish stew. Otherwise, we order in. You overthink things.”
Cobain takes his meal choices very seriously. Feeding the family is the only activity that he has complete control over. We live in my parents’ house in a strange country where he has no job or responsibilities. Robin doesn’t need his attention, and I’ll soon be back at work. Cobain requires an outlet, and no one except him wants to cook.
Well, Sunny does, but she doesn’t know anything. Kai even had to teach her how to use the microwave during our first week home. Most days, she just stares dazed at my brother. Though she’s calmer when they’re alone on the beach, Sunny is clearly overwhelmed and grows flustered by any choice or change. Just like Cobain.
Anika thrives in the new house. She loves the pool, immediately dances when she hears music, and never stops talking. But she falls apart if Sunny isn’t visible. Her mother can’t even use the bathroom without Anika following.
That’s why I entertain her while Sunny and Cobain cook. My niece and I draw in the mornings and play small puzzles in the evenings. During lunch, Mama sings and dances with her in the attached family room. Those are the only times Sunny gets without her daughter under foot.
Well, except for naptimes when we coax Anika into sleeping downstairs with Mama. If we’re successful, Sunny and Kai can steal an hour alone.
“Five years,” I tell Cobain while sitting on the beach one morning with a cup of coffee. “I don’t think I can handle a child any sooner.”
“Why are you telling me this as if I’m the one asking for a kid? I never want one, remember?”
Smiling at his tone, I sense he might change his mind. Not because of Anika. No, his fathering instincts come out with Sunny.
Though they rarely talk about anything except food and cooking, he clearly loves sharing his interests with someone genuinely interested. He tells her about where he first tried a kind of food, and she later goes on the laptop to read about that place. Kai says Sunny does better when she can research a topic. Like dealing with her fear of the ocean or understanding how a woman’s body works and learning where Tehran is located. Despite his feigned disinterest in her, I catch Cobain spelling words for her when she’s searching online. Anika might terrify him, but his fatherly instinct comes out with Sunny.
One night while we sit on the beach and watch the water, he growls, “I don’t want to fuck Sunny.”
“No one expects you to,” I reply calmly, knowing how Cobain conflates sex with emotional connection. It makes sense for him to think I do too. I’m sure deep down he still believes I put up with him because he’s gorgeous and a good fuck. Cobain can’t imagine anyone finding him interesting or fun to be around.
“You worry that’s what the cooking is about,” he grumbles after a few seconds of fuming that I’m not angry.
“That’s never occurred to me once. You’re too trapped under my spell to desire another woman.” Despite his furrowed brow, I catch his grin. “Sunny looks at you in the way a kid looks at their parent, rather than how a woman checks out a man. No offense, lover, but I don’t think she wants to fuck you either.”
“Good.”
“If it aids your ego, I will fully admit that I want to fuck you.”
“Everyone knows that,” he taunts and then chuckles when I shove him back on the sand. “Especially since you want to fuck me out in the open like this.”
“Mama and Papa are already in bed,” I murmur against his lips. “Kai and his family are too. There’s just you and me and the moon.”
Cobain considers taking a stand against outdoor sex—though ocean sex is apparently okay since our naughty bits are hidden in the water.
I get my way, even though he tends to tell me no a lot. No new bed. No moving to the house. No staying in my parents’ house. No old bed. I’m in love with an angsty toddler.
But he’s trying. Every day in little ways, Cobain forces himself to exist in a world where others live. We’re not threats. We care about him. Even Papa has started talking about old jobs with Cobain when they sit outside in the evening and watch Anika run around.
For me, Cobain takes baby steps. For him, I’ll be as patient as he needs.
≫TEN SPENT SHELLS≪
SUNNY’S EPILOGUE
Kai offers me a new future where I’m free to choose my life. I can even reject him. I don’t know why he would let me do that, but Kai is a better person than I’ll ever be.
Along with my future, he returns some of the past stolen from me by my father and the cult. Now I know my name was Sunshine Liberty Olber, and my birthday is February 7th. My mom’s name was Jennifer, and her family called her “Jenn.” She had dark blond hair and died over eight years ago from an asthma attack.
Kai says my grandparents looked for me. He shows me the online articles and explains, “The name ‘Sunshine’ isn’t common, so I was able to track these down easily. The local Oregon news stations ran several stories about how your father pulled you out of school and disappeared after your mother’s death. Your grandparents got the police to investigate. Eventually, everyone except your grandparents stopped looking.”
Uncomfortable leaving our house—let alone Playa Cielo—I consider not meeting them. I don’t remember my grandparents well, and I worry they’ll do something to alert people in the US about my new home. Jake’s contacts said the Company attacked my homestead and left no men alive. Cobain’s contacts claimed the Company got the Feds to clean up the mess. Many of the women and children ended up in state custody. They have a chance at freedom.
“The remaining members of the Children of the Black Sun are on the Feds’ radar now,” Cobain told me one day during lunch prep. “All because you caught Kai’s attention.”
His words gave me the strength to meet my grandparents in Managua. The trip is the first time I’ve been away from Playa Cielo since arriving in Nicaragua six months ago.
Kai prepares me by talking about the steps. He did the same thing the first time I went to the doctor or shopping in a store. Kai knows how I need everything explained. It’s why I agree to meet my grandparents. Though I might not trust them, I believe completely in Kai.
“Just in case your father is still alive somehow, we shouldn’t give anyone from the United States info about where you live now,” he warns me. “In the emails with your grandparents, I said we had to travel to meet them. They don’t know what country we live in, but if they have a decent investigator, they could figure it out.”
Kai is so smart, seeing all the details and angles. That’s why I want him to be in charge. I’m still overwhelmed by choices.
My best days are when I get up and do what everyone else plans for me. At the homestead, I was pushed around and always left wanting. With my new family, I get to relax all day, eat amazing foods, watch TV, listen to music, read on my new laptop, play with Ani, and make love to the most beautiful man. Choices only make my perfect life more stressful.
That’s why I’m careful about what I share with Kathy and John. At first, they aren’t sure if they trust the story that I tell them. I leave out details like the cult’s name or the state where they’re located. I’m afraid they’ll look for my father or draw attention to me here.
“I’m safe in my new country in a way I’ll never be
in yours,” I explain.
Once they accept that I won’t leave with them, my grandparents give me a computer drive full of pictures and videos of Mom and me. They tell me about when I was a baby and explain how my mom chose my name.
“Jenn got the song, ‘You Are My Sunshine’ stuck in her head before she went into labor,” John says, smiling sadly at the memory of his daughter.
Their stories help Mom feel real again. Of course, with her clearer in my head, the loss hurts more. By the time Neri joins us with Ani, I’m exhausted and want to go home. However, I do my best to remain calm since my grandparents traveled so far to see me and meet their great-granddaughter.
Ani charms them easily. She looks so beautiful in her pale-yellow dress and white sandals. She’s gotten better at wearing shoes but still prefers to be barefoot. Her hair’s grown out and now just under her chin in a bob style haircut. Ani was very brave when she went to the salon. Neri promised she could trim the bob in the future. The James family doesn’t like to go to the salon. That’s why Kai and Neri dyed their hair brown at home.
“I don’t mind my roots,” he insisted, but she claimed the two inches of dark hair sticking out made her look cheap.
They sat in the kitchen with bags on their heads while Mia took pictures, and Ani laughed so hard that she could barely breathe. I was just happy Kai didn’t shave his head like Cobain suggested. I really like my man’s waves.
By the time we visit with Kathy and John, Ani still carries Duck everywhere but is able to leave the rest of her toys back home. She understands how things belong to her and won’t disappear if she isn’t checking on them constantly.
Knowing so many more words now, she talks easily to John and Kathy. Yet she switches back and forth between Spanish and English so much that they have trouble following what she’s saying. Still, they can’t help adoring her while I don’t think they’re as pleased with me. I’m no longer the child they loved.
“They don’t feel like family,” I tell Kai after we leave my grandparents and return to our hotel room. “I’m not cute or happy anymore. They want the old me.”
Kai sees me getting agitated and probably knows why I feel bad. How they remind me of what I lost while I’d rather focus on the present. Still, he won’t let me hide. Not yet anyway.
“We’ll see them at lunch tomorrow like planned,” Kai says, taking charge because he knows I can’t. “If we don’t go, you’ll regret not spending time with them. However, you shouldn’t feel as if you must speak. You can choose to just listen. If you’re uncomfortable, tell them so. Or signal me and I’ll tell them. Once we’re done, we’ll return home.”
The next day, Kathy gestures to Kai nearby in the restaurant and whispers to me, “Is he Ani’s father?”
My grandparents still think he’s the bad guy. That makes no sense to me, but I can’t see Kai clearly. In my eyes, he’s the best in every way.
“We only met six months ago,” I tell Kathy. “But, yes, he’s Ani’s father.”
I hope she understands. I’m sure we seem odd to them. The James family is very private and suspicious of strangers. I feel as if I fit in with them better than with the friendly, loud people I see in town. My grandparents are clearly outgoing people too. As was my mom.
After Kai scans the computer drive for a tracking thing that I don’t understand, I watch a few videos of my mom. She seemed so full of life, laughing and smiling a lot. That’s how I remember her. I’m relieved to know I didn’t imagine all her good qualities. I also hope she never knew she married a monster.
In the videos with me, I see someone long dead. Confident, feisty even, I owned a light the Children of the Black Sun destroyed. A new one burns in me now, created by the love I feel for Ani, Kai, and my new family.
I don’t know if my grandparents will ever love the new me in the way they did the old one. I do know I’m uncomfortable with them and the past. Only when I return to Playa Cielo, do I feel at peace again.
Mia and Jake remained home during our trip. They both come out to the car to see us when we return. I instantly need Mia’s arms around me. Jenn was a fearless woman, and I was her fearless daughter. The world tore away my power in a way that Mia understands. When I cry, she doesn’t cheer me up by claiming I can face anything. She just hugs me and waits for the darkness to fade. Though I’ll always love the woman who gave me life, Mia is my mom now.
Jake is nothing like my dad. I can’t believe I used to think he was mean. Jake smiles so much, and he protects me like my father never did. He would die rather than abandon Ani and me. Jake is why Kai and Neri are so strong, while Mia is why they have such good hearts.
Leaving the past behind, I focus on my new life in Playa Cielo. When I don’t understand something, I research on the laptop Kai bought me. Learning is fun because there’s no pressure. Kai doesn’t care if I understand what causes rain. He doesn’t mind if I get seasick on Jake’s boat. Or if I’m too scared to surf. Kai’s happy when I’m happy. It’s never more complicated than that.
Ani learns fast. She even teaches me Spanish. My baby picks up the language before she speaks English well. When she talks to me in Spanish, I learn words faster than when I try to follow the adults. Kai is such a patient teacher that I would probably take a decade to learn. Cobain, though, forces me to speak and hear Spanish when we cook dinner. At first, his words are gibberish, but over time, I start to recognize more and more of them. When I’m especially confused, and he won’t explain in English, Neri cheats by translating. She’s such a good friend to me. Like a big sister who knows all the answers but doesn’t bully me for knowing none of them.
Part of living with this family is learning how to soothe each other. Jake retreats to the ocean when he’s down. Cobain refuses to talk to anyone and hides in his house. I pace around, fighting the urge to submit to the earth. Ani clings to me. Mia cries in a closet.
I feel bad that Kai and Neri have to deal with our moods. They’re always so patient. Sometimes, though, they're not around when a person needs soothing. Jake, Kai, and Neri often work away from the house. Cobain is no good at soothing. He just backs away from whoever is crying.
One day when Mia gets her feelings hurt from something a lady says at the market, she hides in the closet and cries. I know she wants Jake to come home, but he’s on his boat with tourists. Before I can soothe Mia, Ani hurries over with a snow globe and hands it to her grandma.
“Make the world pretty,” she says in Spanish.
Mia finds her smile again while they take turns shaking the snow globe. I wipe her tears and sit with them until Cobain announces lunch is ready. After we eat, the four of us watch a Bob Hope DVD. Even Cobain smiles a little.
My little girl hasn’t completely washed away her past yet. While she no longer sleeps with Kai and me most nights, her bed remains in our room. This is why we haven’t moved to the house next door. We’re in no hurry to create a separate home when we have a perfect one here.
Thanks to Neri and Mia, Kai and I are often able to sneak away for time alone. Sex holds less meaning these days. Being with Kai doesn’t have to be about taking a stand against the Children of the Black Sun or conquering my past. Sex can be about having fun and feeling close. I like having something that I only share with Kai. I’m sure I get weird at times. I still don’t want him to lick my pussy. I can’t stop thinking about my body being poisoned. The cult’s programming hasn’t left my head yet. That doesn’t mean we don’t have lots of other fun in bed.
A few months after we arrive in Playa Cielo while Ani plays with Neri and Mia, I finally get to try doggy-style sex. Kai worries I’ll think of my time at the homestead because he’s behind me, and I’m more submissive in that position. He underestimates how sexy he is and how lustful I get when he touches me. I just want to have an orgasm. The ugly stuff doesn’t matter. Not that time anyway.
I might get weird about it in the future. Stuff sneaks up on me sometimes. A noise or smell will remind me of the homestead. Or I’ll s
uddenly feel on display as if everyone is judging me. There are still times when Ani cries or has a tantrum, and I shut down rather than comfort her. But mostly I get overwhelmed, thinking I’m bad and that my sins will ruin this family.
Kai helps me. Ani often does too. I have a bunch of people who comfort me, but I’m also learning to calm myself. When I pace around, wanting to submit, I try to think of what Kai would say to me.
That day at the roadside vegetable stand, this amazing man saw something in me even when I was hiding in my head. Kai never faltered no matter what anyone—including me—did. When I see myself through his eyes, I like Sunny James and know she’ll be okay.
COBAIN’S EPILOGUE
Neri is smarter than I am. I’ll never admit this fact to her, but she quickly figures out how to get me to do whatever she wants. Not through nagging or manipulation. She just tells me what she plans to do—snorkeling, hiking, shopping for fruit—and asks if I want to join her. I immediately say no because I don’t want to do shit. I prefer to remain at the house where I can control my environment. I have a good setup there. While Neri sells real estate and Jake and Kai work on their boat, I protect the people at the house.
But Neri wants to do other stuff when she’s not working. She’s an athletic woman with interests that don’t involve cooking or checking the perimeter. And she wants me to do some of these activities with her.
When I tell her no, she just says okay. No guilt trips or mocking of my house husband status. Nothing negative. She only smiles and goes to prepare for whatever she wants to do.
Then I imagine something bad happening to her because I was too stubborn to come along. What if she drowns while snorkeling? Or falls during horseback riding? Or a man flirts with her? I still haven’t located the asshole she was talking about at the hotel. I’m sure I’ve met him, but none of the men are dumb enough to flirt with her in front of me.
Shellshock (Spent Shells, #2) Page 19
