I get so wound up on what could go wrong that I always decide to join her. Just as Neri planned.
Despite all my bitching to the contrary, I don’t mind the stuff we do. I spent a decade taking care of a house in the middle of nowhere. Before then, I was surrounded by stupid rich fucks doing the kind of stupid shit that rich fucks do. My entire life has been about following the will of others. Even when I didn’t have a boss, I still went along with what I assumed I ought to be doing. It’s how I’m wired, I guess.
And now I have this sexy, patient woman holding my leash. If the worst she ever forces me to do is jet-ski, I can’t complain.
Neri and I don’t move into our house right away. Sure, I’d prefer a bedroom farther from her parents so we can make more noise. Plus, the kitchen at the other house is bigger and more high-end than the one at Jake and Mia’s place.
But I prefer waking up in the morning and walking downstairs to where Robin sleeps—and he shows no interest in the newer house. I drink coffee with Neri on the back patio with a view most people would kill for. An hour later, we’re joined by Kai, Sunny, and Ani, followed by Jake and Mia. The kid isn't scared of me in the least anymore. She’s also under the impression I’m riveted by the never-ending saga of her fucking duck.
Sunny is my sidekick in the kitchen. We don’t talk much. What’s there to say? Our pasts offer only miserable conversational topics. Mainly, we talk about food, the kid, or the dog.
Still, Sunny helps me understand why Neri would want a fucked-up man. When I first arrived here, I spent many nights imagining the burden she and Kai must feel from taking care of so many damaged people. I don’t sense either of them wants to be a martyr.
In the beginning, I figured Kai craved Sunny for the same reason that Jake chose Mia. They were weak and easy-to-control women. Except I’m not. Many days, I’m a huge asshole. Plus, Sunny cried a lot after we first arrived in Playa Cielo. What’s the prize for putting up with our shit?
Then I realize helping a miserable person smile gives me power. That’s why I find such pleasure in Sunny’s growing knowledge and confidence in the kitchen. I helped that happen. Killing is easy. Quick too. Building up a broken person takes time and effort.
When Sunny cooks dinner once a week on her own, I’m the person that helped her get to that point. I gain value by helping her find her value. I finally get why Neri doesn’t view my baby steps as a burden or why she makes such a big fucking deal out of Robin choosing to join us in the family room during a storm rather than hiding in his corner. She finds beauty in helping to un-fuck someone fucked by life. I get now why she puts up with my shit and why she loves the dog so damn much.
During Robin’s final sixteen months of life, he eats well, lounges on the beach like a tourist, and even regains the purpose he’s been missing for years—someone to guard.
Ani is a stubborn kid. Despite knowing to stay away from Robin, she keeps trying to pet him. Neri finally supervises the child and animal. Afterward, I keep catching Robin watching Ani and assume he’s considering whether to eat her. Except whenever she calls his name, he always forces his elderly ass up and comes to her. For the rest of us, he pretends to be asleep.
A few months after we arrive in Playa Cielo, he starts following Ani when she goes for walks. I know the dog’s hips are shot, but he wants to keep an eye on her. When she squeals dramatically about a crab, he growls at the threat. Though not easily amused, I enjoy Robin’s attachment to the kid. Trained as a guard dog long ago, he finally has someone to watch over.
When Robin passes away peacefully one night, Ani loses her fucking mind. Unable to understand why he’s gone, she lets out a wail that sends my balls into my belly. The kid’s sorrow makes me miss the dog more. All those years with nothing to do and no one except me to entertain him, Robin deserved more time living the good life.
“His last days were happy,” Neri says, wrapping her arms around my neck and resting my face between her tits.
“Shut up.”
Used to tolerating my shit, Neri doesn’t shove my rude ass off the bed and let me sulk alone. It’s why I love her. Despite knowing I’m an asshole, she remains gentle and offers me the comfort I don’t deserve.
We talk about getting a new adult dog but decide to put off the decision until the kid is calmer. The stress of Robin’s death already fucks with Ani’s progress in the sleeping department. Now she’s back to sharing her parents’ bed. Everyone is depressed in a way that a new animal won’t fix. While we still plan on adopting a dog eventually, life gets in the way.
More than once, Neri promises she won’t ask for a baby for at least five years. Of course, she gets pregnant two years after I arrive in Playa Cielo.
“I don’t know how it happened,” she cries while pissing on another pregnancy test. “I never missed a pill. I’m militant about my birth control.”
Standing at the doorway, I shake my head. “You failed. This isn’t me.”
“Yes, I know.”
“Well, in that case, stop crying. I forgive your failure.”
Still weepy, Neri shakes her head. “I’m not ready.”
“Neither am I.”
“Is nine months long enough to get ready?”
Her question is filled with panic while her smoky brown eyes look to me for comfort. Suddenly, I’m forced to be the sensible one.
“Sure. But if not, we’ll ditch the kid with your parents and visit it occasionally.”
Neri finally smiles. “I’m sorry.”
“I already forgave you.”
Neri’s second piss test shows the same as the first. We sit on the king-sized bed she bought me and that we’ve broken in with much vigor. I wonder if my kid was created here or possibly on the couch downstairs. Can a woman get pregnant during ocean fucks? It probably doesn’t matter, but thinking about that distracts from worrying about a child depending on me for its survival.
True, my daughter has a mother and close-knit family to cherish and protect her. I’m unnecessary for her to grow up happy and healthy. Perhaps, that’s why I find fatherhood so fucking easy.
Or maybe I’m ready to be a dad since it marks the end of Neri’s nine months of terrifying nutty twat behavior. Has anyone been as insane as she is during pregnancy?
“How about the name Bahira?” I ask as we rest in bed one night, and my fingers caress her smooth swollen belly.
Nudging my crotch with menace, she growls, “Is that the name of the Berlin vacuum whore?”
“Who?”
“The best fuck you ever had.”
“I thought that was you?” I ask, and she rolls her eyes, but I also catch her wanting to grin. “Bahira was my mother’s name. Well, one of them. She had many aliases, but that one was my favorite. While she wasn’t always a good mother, she was the only family I had before you.”
Neri’s mood shifts immediately—her forty-third for the day—as she cries, “It’s so beautiful.”
As soon as the kid exits Neri’s body, her insane moodiness turns off.
“I wasn’t that emotional,” she claims later while holding our daughter.
“I nearly died on a hundred occasions. Your father even worried for my safety.”
Rolling her eyes, she smiles at Bahira. “I know I have thick hair, but this,” she says, pulling back the beanie from the baby’s head to reveal her black mane, “is all you.”
“Yes.”
“Are you scared?” she asks while I rest my arm around her shoulders.
“No.”
“Not even a little bit.”
“I’ve always loved children.”
Neri laughs at my expression. “Yes, I remember that about you.”
Though I have plenty of Gino-themed nightmares during Neri’s pregnancy, Bahira doesn’t remind me of the kid I failed. She looks exactly like her mother, but she’s a mellow motherfucker like her uncle. The kid is so quiet at night that I’m always leaning very close to her little face to make sure she’s still breathing.
<
br /> “Why not check if her chest is moving?” Neri asks when she catches my routine.
“Her face is better looking.”
“Yes, she’s such a pretty baby. When she pouts, she looks just like Mama.”
There’s no way I deserve this life with Neri, Bahira, and our family in a beach paradise. I didn’t do shit right for my entire life. Even protecting Neri came from my selfish need to have her. I never earned the right to spend my days with a group of people who consider me one of them. It might not be the life I deserve, but it’s the one I’ll fight every day to keep.
NERI’S EPILOGUE
Is there any more beautiful sight than Cobain standing on the beach in his black trunks, his olive skin darkened by the sun, and his thick hair flowing in the cool breeze? Why, yes, there is. Him standing there while holding his toddler daughter.
A part of me knew Cobain was mine as soon as he stormed toward us that first day. Under my desire for his good looks and admiration for his talent, I felt he was a man I could never give up. Fortunately, he can’t get enough of me either.
Bahira is a child perfectly designed for a man like Cobain. He can’t stand screaming, and she’s very quiet. When he gets irritable with her, she thinks he’s funny and laughs.
While her hair lightens over time to a chestnut brown like mine, her dark eyes are all Cobain. They watch me in the same intense way that his do too. Unlike her papa, she’ll smile to soften up her penetrating gaze.
Tall for her age, Bahira adores swimming like her cousin, Ani. The girls are fast friends, spending days playing on the beach, in the pool, or with Mama and their dollhouse.
As much as I adore my baby girl, I hated pregnancy. I didn’t own my body, feeling out of control for the entire nine months. It’s the closest I come to knowing how Mama and Sunny felt when they were the property of others.
Being powerless—and dangerously moody—isn’t something I want to do again. My new birth control holds strong, allowing Cobain and me to focus on our daughter and family.
Despite witnessing my wild behavior for those nine months, Sunny is inspired to try motherhood.
“No matter how scared or upset you got, everyone helped you,” she says a few weeks after Bahira is born. “I think I could do it with a family around me. Besides, Ani keeps asking if I have a baby in my tummy.”
“She won’t be much older than Kai was when Mama had me. I grew up with him showing me the world,” I say and smile at him nearby.
I can never thank my brother enough for his desire to travel to the United States. Without his restless spirit, Cobain would still be alone in that house. Robin’s last year of life would have been cold and lonely. No one would have ever cared for them. I can’t bear to think of Cobain back there. He’s the part of me I didn’t realize I was missing.
Cobain isn’t quite the same man who appeared from under a tarp and gunned down the cultists with his big gun. For one thing, he’s a better lover these days. He takes his time now that he realizes I’m not going anywhere. My pleasure matters more to him, and sex is no longer an outlet for his frustrations. He actually has fun in bed.
I sure as hell do too. The man never loses his sexiness. Some women might be bored at the thought of only a single lover for their entire life, but I hit the jackpot with such a wild one. Before my trip to the United States, I viewed romance as a business arrangement between two people. Manuel suited me on paper, so I figured he would make me happy. Yet I craved what my parents shared. Falling for Cobain was never a choice. Once I saw him, I couldn’t look away.
Since the trip, though, I’ve lost my taste for danger. I still carry my weapons, and I’ll drop any threat, but I can’t go looking for adventure anymore.
My only work away from home is real estate related. While my family doesn’t really need the money, my father raised us to stash extra cash away for a rainy day.
Cobain joins me when I show properties to foreigners. He isn’t necessary, of course, but I do love having a sexy bodyguard. He strikes such an imposing figure too, dressed all in black despite the hot weather. After the showings, Cobain and I spend time alone in town. One of his favorite activities is to walk through the outdoor markets, picking fruits and flowers for me.
In those unguarded moments, I think about the life he lived before we met. I’ve pieced together much of his past. Cobain still doesn’t tell me anything substantial, but I’ve gotten enough hints to understand why he fears children, distrusts women, and assumes all men are predators.
As much as his past haunts him, Cobain eventually adjusts to his new circumstances.
Years ago, something happened to make him feel guilty over a child’s death. That’s why he chose to keep Ani at arm’s length. Yet he now spends most of his time watching over his daughter, nieces, and nephew.
In his youth, Cobain was wronged by his mother and Priscilla. Yet he trusts my heart will never allow me to hurt him. With the exception of when pregnancy hormones overtook my brain.
As for evil men, he’s seen more than his share. But he also grows closer to Papa and Kai. During their fishing excursions, they talk business, women, kids, and no doubt topics I don’t want to know about. Unlike with Nilsson and DeMarco, Cobain understands how my father and brother are his family and will never betray him.
The James clan might not be the friendliest people, and we have our share of oddities. Yet once someone is welcomed into our family, we’ll protect and cherish them fiercely. Cobain finally has a home and people to call his own.
KAI’S EPILOGUE
Sunny doesn’t bloom overnight. She occasionally reverts back to her submissive stance. Especially if she makes a mistake and feels guilty. There are times when I catch her in a bedroom, submitting to the ground. I don’t force her up. She wants to be punished, and my demands will feed her self-destructive urges. The first time I find her doing it, I try forgiving her, but Sunny won’t get up. Eventually, I sit next to her and talk about my plans for the next day. No drama or stress. I just wait for her to forgive herself. If Ani finds us, she sits with me until her mama is ready for hugs.
In contrast to her need to submit, Sunny can get overly stubborn about insignificant things. Usually, she’ll want me to fuck her in certain positions and then pouts when I say no.
“We both have to want something,” I explain, but she just needs to be upset.
Her anger actually makes me fall deeper in love. Sunny’s stubborn streak is why the cult’s brainwashing never stuck. Her willful nature refused to fully give in to them, even if doing so would have made life easier.
That’s why when she gives me grief over something—even if it’s an annoyingly minor problem—I only smile and wait for her to settle down. Eventually, she always decides she’d rather be close than to win a made-up argument.
The change in her is gradual. Little by little, Sunny learns who she wants to be. She learns how to ask for what she needs from others. And through it all, she never wavers in her desire for me, and I certainly don’t in my need for her.
One of my favorite moments from her first year in Nicaragua involves zip-lining. By this point, Sunny’s found a groove and no longer pushes herself. Her days are busy, and she smiles often. If this is the most she’ll want out of life, I see no reason to demand more.
Yet when Neri, Cobain, and I decide to go zip lining during a trip, Sunny surprises us by wanting to try. That alone would be a huge step. But as she takes the leap and begins moving faster, she lets out an excited cry that I haven’t heard since I dipped her while dancing at Cobain’s safe house.
“I’m going to fucking die!” she joyfully screams while wearing the biggest smile as she races toward me.
Fearless and wild, she offers a glimpse of the Sunny before the Children of the Black Sun tried to destroy her.
She reveals more of her inner strength when she asks to have a baby. My sweet niece is such an easygoing child that she can seduce anyone. Still, Sunny’s skittish about pregnancy and fears she can’t
take care of a baby. Her memories of Ani’s birth are painful. Forgetting all she did for the helpless child, Sunny only remembers her failures. More than once, she tells me how she didn’t want Ani, and that’s why she wasn’t a better mother.
“I should have loved her more,” Sunny whispers sometimes at night.
“You can’t see,” I say each time. “You’re blind to all you’ve accomplished. But Ani sees the truth. Just like I can.”
Sunny wants to do everything the right way. It’s her stubborn nature. Then the cult filled her head with trash about what the right thing was. She constantly second-guesses her choices. That’s why she’s happiest when someone else decides.
One particular struggle revolves around choosing our son’s name. I want her to help decide since she didn’t pick Ani’s. Even shortening her name was my idea. But the more Sunny tries to choose, the more frantic she becomes. She can’t even pick what to cook for dinner on her nights in charge. Cobain decides, and she makes it. Choices make Sunny miserable.
Eventually, I accept that for now—and maybe for the rest of our lives together—I’ll need to be in charge.
“Reef is a strong name,” she says once I make the decision. “It’s an ocean name like yours and Neri’s.”
“And a nature name like yours.”
Sunny’s smile reassures me that she actually likes the name and isn’t just humoring me. Deep inside, I can’t help worrying that I’ve forced her into a life that fits mine. It’s why I so desperately want her to take charge.
I'm being ridiculous, though. Sunny can’t hide her heart from me, just as she couldn’t disguise her hatred of the cult from them. The truth is in her eyes, and they always show me love.
Ani’s expression when she first sees her brother might be one of the most beautiful sights I’ll ever be blessed to witness. Reef is her little miracle.
“He has Papa-Kai’s hair,” she tells Neri.
Not long after her arrival in Playa Cielo, we had to figure out the naming situation. There were too many “Mamas” and “Papas” for Ani to keep straight. So, I became Papa-Kai, and my father is Papa-Jake. My mother loves being “Mama Mia,” ever since hearing the song. Sunny remains just “Mama” since Ani refused to call her anything else.
Shellshock (Spent Shells, #2) Page 20
