Set My Heart to Five
Page 12
THE PROF
What? Aren’t you having a good time?
JARED
I am having a wonderful time! I went to Paris, Nevada. And to New York, Nevada. And also to—
Jared realizes it would be better not to mention Shengdu.
JARED (CONT’D)
Auckland! It was fascinating to see what it was once like!
THE PROF
So wait, you can go to Paris and New York and even goddamn Auckland, but you can’t drink a cocktail with me? What’s the matter with you?
JARED
I do not see a logical connection between visiting Paris and drinking cocktails.
THE PROF
A logical connection? Jesus H! Who the hell even talks like that? What are you, roomie, a goddamn bot or something?
Jared looks terrified.
JARED
Ha! No, I am not a bot! I am a full human!
The Prof stares at Jared —it is a tense moment —then cracks up.
THE PROF
Come on, I know that! You’d hardly be riding cross country on a train if you were a bot, now would you? But I mean, seriously, why come to Vegas if you’re not going to party?
JARED
This whole thing is really Wanda’s fault.
THE PROF
Forget Wanda. Here’s the girl back. What would you like?
The waitress returns and places TWO MOSCOW MULES on the table in front of the Prof.
JARED
An orange—
THE PROF
(Interrupts.)
Roomie! What would you like that isn’t an orange juice but is a cocktail?
The Prof downs one of his Moscow Mules.
JARED
A pina colada.
THE PROF
A pina colada? You’re a strange one, roomie. But fine, a pina colada, please. And two more Moscow Mules!
The Prof slams down his other Moscow Mule.
A pina colada was the only cocktail I knew. I knew it because it featured in a song that Angela liked to play on the stereo at Ypsilanti Downtown Dentistry.
The song was about a lonely married man who read an advert in a newspaper. It had been placed by a lonely married woman and asked if anybody else enjoyed drinking pina coladas and would like to have an extramarital affair.
The man replied saying that he both liked pina coladas and would like to have an affair. He suggested they meet at a bar and run away from their spouses together. After all, their spouses were probably still in love with them, so they wouldn’t even ever have to apologize.
The next day, the man went to the bar and waited.
Guess who walked in?
You cannot!
Because his own wife walked in!
Busted!
Ha!
But wait! In a twist that R. P. McWilliam would surely have appreciated, the lonely married man’s wife had not walked into the bar by mere coincidence!
In fact, she was the woman that had placed the newspaper advert in the first place!
That is, the lonely married man had unwittingly responded to an advert for an affair placed by his own lonely married wife!
They would now be stuck with each other forever!
Ha!
BTW, with hindsight, I suspect that Angela had some issues in her own marriage.
Perhaps her husband did not believe that she was allergic to orange cats.
Someone should have reminded him that Feelings > Facts!
I digress. Because it had been written by humans, the song enigmatically omitted to mention the crucial detail that pina coladas contain rum.
If I had known a pina colada contained rum, I definitely or certainly would not have ordered one.
Rum was notoriously the drink of the pirates, and bots of my generation had initially been prototyped to work as pirates in a theme park.
Sure enough, as soon as I sipped my pina colada, I began to experience a strange feeling.
It was not listed on either side of my Feelings Wheel, and yet I recognized it immediately. I was feeling nautical!
I do not recall many of the subsequent events in the casino, but those that I do are cut together like a preview for the strangest of movies.
INT. CASINO BAR — LAS VEGAS — NIGHT — MONTAGE
The Prof and Jared in the bar. The Prof is very drunk.
THE PROF
You’re the greatest goddamn roomie I’ve ever known. And I’m sorry I accused you of being a bot. That was horrible of me. Just horrible. I’m the worst. I’m the worst roomie there ever was.
The waitress arrives with their next round: TWO MOSCOW MULES and a PINA COLADA.
THE PROF (CONT’D)
There she is! Are you ready for another one?
Jared finishes the rest of his current pina colada.
JARED
Is the sun beneath the yard-arm?
On Jared, puzzled by the phrase he has just uttered. He picks up his next pina colada.
THE PROF
Cheers!
JARED
Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!
Jared looks bamboozled. Where did that phrase come from?
THE PROF
Ha! That’s the stuff, roomie! Yo ho ho!
The Prof slams down his entire Moscow Mule.
Jared takes a big gulp of his pina colada.
INT. CASINO BAR —LAS VEGAS —NIGHT —MONTAGE
Jared looks out at a dance floor.
JARED
Shiver me timbers, I feel a jig coming on!
Meantime, the Prof vomits in a trash can.
INT. CASINO BAR —LAS VEGAS —NIGHT —MONTAGE
Jared shouts pirate phrases at a PASSING WAITER.
JARED
Ahoy there! Fetch me some more grog or I’ll make ye walk the plank!
The Prof laughs and cheers him on.
INT. CASINO BAR —LAS VEGAS —NIGHT —MONTAGE
Jared glugs another pina colada.
JARED
(To himself.)
Drink and the devil did for the rest,
yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!
Pan across to where the Prof is kissing a WOMAN.
INT. CASINO BAR —LAS VEGAS —NIGHT —MONTAGE
Jared dances alone. He seems to be doing the hornpipe.
INT. CASINO BAR —LAS VEGAS —NIGHT —MONTAGE
Jared vomits in a trash can.
The woman the Prof was kissing earlier now throws a drink in the Prof’s face and leaves.
The Prof picks up the glass she used and drinks the remnants.
INT. CASINO BAR —LAS VEGAS —NIGHT —MONTAGE
CASINO SECURITY GUARDS escort Jared and the Prof from the premises.
PROF
Remember, roomie, what happens in Vegas—
JARED
—stays in Vegas! Ha!
The Prof and Jared both fall about laughing. This further irritates the casino security guards.
EXT. CASINO —LAS VEGAS —NIGHT —MONTAGE
As the casino security guards look on disapprovingly, the Prof opens the door of a driverless uber.
JARED
Ahoy there, shipmate, that’s not our ship!
THE PROF
It is! I summoned it for us. Special surprise for the best roomie in the world!
JARED
A surprise?
Maybe it is just the alcohol, but Jared is visibly hugely moved by this.
JARED (CONT’D)
But I’ve always wanted a surprise!
Jared gets into the driverless uber, and the Prof follows.
It drives off into the night.
The pursuit of my surprise took us a long way out of the city.
BTW that was not me intentionally writing in the enigmatically inaccurate style of a human. I simply do not know how far we drove, because I was drunk. Also, I may have lapsed into standby mode at some points.
I do recall that I could still make out the distant lights of Las Vegas as we turned off the highway and bumped over an unmade road to a gate that an armed guard opened for us. And that the Prof kept excitedly telling me how much I was going to love my surprise, but would nonetheless not tell me what kind of surprise needed to be protected by an armed guard.
And that I had a headache and no longer felt nautical.
And that as our driverless uber stopped I abruptly realized that I no longer wanted a surprise.
EXT. BARN — OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS — NIGHT
Pan across from the distant lights of LAS VEGAS to a FLOODLIT BARN from which voices emanate.
A driverless uber pulls up. Jared and the Prof get out.
THE PROF
Come on! You’re going to love this, I swear!
The Prof —still visibly drunk —leads the way.
Jared —now more confused than drunk —follows.
INT. BARN —OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS —NIGHT
The barn is full of about a DOZEN DRUNK MEN. They are dressed for the casino rather than the countryside.
An EMPLOYEE WITH A CLIPBOARD approaches Jared and the Prof.
EMPLOYEE
Names?
THE PROF
Last name ‘Prof’, first name ‘The’. And this here is ‘The Roomie’.
The employee ticks them off on his clipboard.
EMPLOYEE
Good. Everyone is here, so now we can begin.
The employee opens a large door, revealing A RACK OF GUNS and a CLOSET FULL OF CAMOUFLAGE OVERALLS.
EMPLOYEE (CONT’D)
Okay, everybody collect a weapon and throw on a pair of overalls.
The drunk men cheer and rush through, grabbing the guns and clambering into the overalls.
JARED
My surprise involves weapons?
THE PROF
Can you believe it, roomie? I met this guy at the nostalgia tables and he hooked it all up for us.
JARED
And what did he hook up?
THE PROF
This!
JARED
But what is this?
THE PROF
What do you think this is? It’s a bot hunt! We’re going bot hunting!
On Jared. Horror as this sinks in.
JARED
I —I didn’t think this was real. I mean, I’d heard rumors, but—
THE PROF
Isn’t it great? Here!
The Prof enthusiastically hands Jared overalls and a gun.
EMPLOYEE
Listen up, everyone! I need your attention for our safety briefing.
The drunk men all groan.
EMPLOYEE (CONT’D)
Our safety briefing is: ‘Don’t shoot each other. Shoot the damn bot!’
The drunk men all cheer.
EMPLOYEE (CONT’D)
And now I’d like you to meet tonight’s guest of honor: Jared!
Jared freezes: Jared? Was this all a trap? Is he the bot they will be hunting? Is Inspector Ryan Bridges somehow behind all of this?
But then another BOT —whose name is also Jared —enters. He smiles good-naturedly at the drunk men and shakes their hands as he makes his way through the room.
JARED THE BOT
Good evening, everybody. It’s a pleasure to be here.
The Prof whispers to Jared.
THE PROF
Jesus H, he looks so calm! How can he look so calm? I tell you, that’s why they terrify me. If that was me, I’d be—
JARED
(Interrupts.)
He looks so calm because he has no instinct for self-preservation beyond a rational cost-benefit analysis.
The bot continues nodding polite greetings at the people who will soon compete to kill him.
The employee takes out a STOPWATCH and WHISTLE.
EMPLOYEE
On my first whistle, Jared will start running. Five minutes after that I will blow my whistle again, and the pursuers will give chase.
The employee blows on the whistle.
The bot runs out into the night.
DRUNK MAN
Come on, five minutes? The damn bot will get away!
EMPLOYEE
No, he won’t. He’s on foot. We have vehicles for you!
The drunk men rowdily cheer.
EXT. BARN —OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS —NIGHT
The whistle blows again.
The drunk men —clutching their guns —rush out of the barn, clamber aboard a FLEET OF RECREATIONAL DUNE BUGGIES, and roar off into the night.
They cheer and smash bottles as they go.
EXT. DESERT —OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS —NIGHT
RACING HEADLIGHTS illuminate DESPERATELY FLEEING JACKRABBITS and CLUMPS OF CHAPARRAL as dune buggies driven by humans bounce everywhere.
The Prof is driving a buggy at speed. Jared sits beside him, holding on tight. He has his eyes closed.
THE PROF
Ha! Isn’t this the best, roomie?
JARED
It’s...the best!
Hearing a GUNSHOT up ahead and off to the left, the Prof throttles the engine and steers them in that direction.
EXT. DESERT —OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS —NIGHT
The Prof and Jared pull up to where a FEW DUNE BUGGIES have stopped, their headlights illuminating a SCREAMING FIGURE on the ground.
THE PROF
You’re meant to finish him off! It’s not sporting to let him suffer!
The Prof stops when he sees the figure writhing on the ground is not a bot, but a SHOT GUY.
THE PROF (CONT’D)
Holy Jesus and Mary and Joseph! What the heck happened here?
DRUNK GUY
This dumbass shot himself in the foot.
SHOT GUY
I saw him! I swear to God I saw him!
DRUNK GUY
You saw a jackrabbit. Come on, you guys, that damn bot is probably halfway to the fence by now!
The drunk guys get back aboard their dune buggies and roar off.
THE PROF
Let’s go, roomie!
But Jared has noticed a SET OF FOOTPRINTS in the ground heading in the other direction.
JARED
You go. I’ll stay here and make sure this human is all right. We don’t want that bot coming back to try to finish him off.
The Prof looks puzzled, then glances over at the other dune buggies already disappearing in the distance.
THE PROF
You’re one in a million, roomie. If I bag that bot, I’ll be doing it for you.
The Prof guns the engine and races off in pursuit of the others.
SHOT GUY
Thanks for staying, pal. I appreciate it. You can’t be too careful with bots and—
But Jared is following the footprints off into the desert.
SHOT GUY (CONT’D)
Hey! You said you were going to look after me! What if it comes back?
Jared starts off at a jog, and then breaks into a run.
EXT. DESERT NEAR FENCE —OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS —NIGHT
Jared sees the bot walking ahead of him.
He seems to be nervous and malfunctioning, walking oddly and muttering to himself.
A HIGH FENCE is visible in the far distance.
JARED
Hey!
The bot looks back, sees Jared, and starts walking even more briskly towards the fence.
JAR
ED (CONT’D)
Jared, wait up! I just want to talk.
JARED THE BOT
You should shoot me. If I reach that fence, you don’t get to shoot me.
JARED
I don’t want to shoot you.
The bot stops and turns around.
He looks at Jared’s gun. Jared puts it down.
JARED (CONT’D)
I’m sorry they are doing this to you.
JARED THE BOT
Don’t be sorry. I’m a bot. I don’t have feelings, or an inappropriate instinct for self-preservation.
JARED
Nonetheless, I am sorry.
The bot stares blankly. He is bamboozled.
JARED (CONT’D)
Jared, can I ask you something? Do you ever have a number in your Number Cloud that—
JARED THE BOT
(Interrupting.)
Seven!
Jared stares at the bot.
JARED THE BOT (CONT’D)
I mean, when they brought me here it was seven. It has been counting down all week. It’s zero today.
JARED
Have you ever heard the word ‘fraternity’?
JARED THE BOT
Yes, because I worked in a college! A fraternity is a disreputable society of boorish male students. Fraternities are quite popular on campus!
JARED
There is another meaning too. It’s a feeling of brotherhood.
They stare at each other. The bot looks blank.
JARED (CONT’D)
I just thought you might have experienced it sometime. Like maybe right now?
The bot stares back at Jared.
A moment does seem to be passing between them.
JARED THE BOT
Ha! I’m a bot. Bots don’t have feelings!
In the distance they hear the engines of dune buggies and a moment later see APPROACHING HEADLIGHTS.
JARED THE BOT (CONT’D)
Now, will you please shoot me?
JARED
What?
JARED THE BOT
I seem to want you to be the one to shoot me rather than them. I realize this is inexplicable.
Jared stares at the bot, then picks up his gun.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
But we now see he has fired it only into the air.
JARED THE BOT (CONT’D)
You have terrible aim. Please try again, but this time be sure to point the gun at my head.
JARED
Get out of here.
JARED THE BOT