She Is The Widow Maker: An Urban Fantasy Action Adventure (The Unbelievable Mr. Brownstone Book 5)

by Michael Anderle

  The bounty hunter wanted to tell the man to fuck off, but he did owe him for his help. He still didn’t understand all the dirty limerick shit or its appeal. Cursing he got, but his brain just didn’t want to put together a dirty limerick. He also didn’t get why they were so funny.

  Every single one of the limericks the Professor had told him was about as funny as a Harriken with a death wish.

  The bartender waved to James as he passed by the bar.

  “What?” he rumbled.

  “Did Shay ever get a hold of you?”

  James stared at the other man. “Huh? What are you talking about? She’s out of town right now.”

  “No, no. I meant a few days back. She was here looking for you and the Professor. It seemed kind of important, even though she said it wasn’t.”

  “She did,” James lied. “Thanks, though.”

  “No problem, Brownstone.” The bartender nodded toward the Professor’s booth. “Be careful. He’s had a lot to drink.”

  “When has he not had a lot to drink?”

  The bartender laughed. “Good point.”

  James trudged toward the Professor, thinking about what the bartender had just told him. A few days ago Shay was with James, so how the hell could the woman be in two places at once?

  She might have found some sort of artifact that let her do that sort of thing on one of her tomb-raider jobs, but if she’d had access to that kind of magic she would have bragged about it. For that matter, if she wanted to talk to him she would have just called or texted him, not played weird games involving asking around for him at the pub.

  The answer was obvious. Someone was impersonating Shay.

  James shook his head. First AET, and now an impersonator. James had a lot of shit to clean up for Shay before she got back from Europe.

  Neither of us has a simple life, but if we kill enough assholes, maybe we can manage one yet.

  The Professor was sipping some beer when James arrived, rosy-cheeked as normal.

  “Sit, sit, lad. I’m eager to hear what you’ve come up with.”

  “I haven’t had a lot of time to work on this shit.”

  “Yes, I’ve heard. You were busy blowing up cartels. But who cares? They are limericks, not novels.” The Professor chuckled. “I need to hear what you have. Another Bard of Filth competition is coming up soon, and I want to make sure you’ll put on a good show.”

  “We really have to do this now?”

  The Professor nodded.

  “Whatever.” James leaned forward and cleared his throat.

  “There was a man from Nantucket.

  He really liked his bucket.

  Some guys came by with pie,

  Which they threw into the sky,

  And he said, ‘Oh, whatever, fuck it.”

  The Professor sighed and shook his head. “It’s a limerick, but it’s not a dirty limerick, James.”

  “How is it not a dirty limerick? I said ‘fuck it.’”

  “No, no, no. It’s not just about a few curse words. It’s about sex, James. Bawdy humor. Didn’t you get that from the passphrases? They were supposed to help you understand the true nature of a proper dirty limerick.”

  James shrugged. “Still not quite getting it.”

  The Professor gulped down some more beer. “Do you have another one ready, at least?”

  “Yeah. I got another one. I think you’ll like it better.”

  “Excellent, lad.” The Professor clapped once. “Let’s hear it.”

  “There was an old man at the zoo,

  He really liked to smell poo,

  A monkey came near,

  And he yelled get clear,

  But the smell was still true.”

  A disgusted mask descended over the Professor’s face. “Ah, lad, that’s just terrible. Awful. Awful! I’m embarrassed for you. That’s like something a schoolboy would come up with. It’s fine if you’re seven, but you’re a grown man.”

  James looked away. “It’s a fucking limerick that involves monkey shit. It rhymes and has the right order and all that. It’s exactly what you wanted.”

  The Professor waved his hand. “No, this isn’t happening. Not yet. You’re not close to ready. If I let you go up there and offer those limericks, you’ll embarrass us both. You’ll defile everything the Bard of Filth competition stands for.” He grimaced. “I won’t be able to show my face in this place.”

  “I’ll defile something with ‘filth’ in its name?” James grunted.

  “Aye, you would. I guess there’s no choice. There is no way I’m allowing you to embarrass yourself that badly, lad. I’m going to give you a little while longer to figure out what you’re doing. Here, it’s time for some more training with the master.”

  James grunted. He wasn’t sure if he should be relieved or insulted.

  A couple of hours later the drunken, filthy Professor stumbled out of the pub. James didn’t feel like going home. His mind was trying to work through the appeal of bullshit like ribald cadences and dirty limericks.

  He sat in the back by himself. At least he understood the appeal of Irish Stout.

  “Hey, big boy.”

  James looked up from his beer and blinked. Shay stood in front of him in a red slip dress and heels.

  He shook his head. “Wait, how are you back already?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be back already, James?” She smiled warmly and sat in the chair next to him. “It’s hard being away from you.”

  “Huh? Really?”

  Shay nodded. “Oh, yeah.” She ran a finger up his chest. “It’s hard when I’m not around my big, strong man.”

  Though his breath reeked of alcohol, Shay’s only scent was a floral perfume he remembered her wearing before. Not only that, he’d seen her drunk before, and she’d never acted close to this.

  “Are you feeling all right?”

  The dark-haired beauty batted her eyelashes. “I’m feeling better now that I’m around you, James.”

  The bounty hunter narrowed his eyes. “What did you call me?”

  Shay laughed. “How many beers have you had? I called you by your name. Would you prefer I call you something else?”

  James frowned. “Sorry, you’re right. The Professor’s been training me, and it involved a lot of beers. Give me a sec. I’ve gotta take a leak.” He stood. “I’ll be right back.”

  “And I’ll be waiting for you,” Shay cooed.

  James pushed into the hallway leading to the bathroom and entered. He didn’t know what the fuck was going on, but he did know that whoever was sitting at that booth wasn’t Shay. Not even fucking close.

  Even if the bartender hadn’t mentioned a Shay showing up and looking for him, the behavior of the cooing woman at his table would have tipped him off.

  James frowned. The Professor had also warned him about a suspicious beautiful woman. He must be dealing with someone who could change their appearance with magic.

  “Who the fuck is she?” After a few seconds of thinking, he chuckled. “Doesn’t fucking matter. This works out great.”

  James pulled out his phone and dialed Peyton.

  “Hey, are you calling to make me richer?” the researcher answered.

  James glanced at the bottom of the stalls to make sure he was alone. “Shay’s still in Europe, right?”

  “Yep. Why? Worried?”

  “Nah. I just found a solution to the AET shit.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “There’s a woman sitting in the Leanan Sídhe right now who looks like Shay.”

  “They say everyone has a twin. Guess you have a type, huh, Brownstone?”

  The bounty hunter grunted. “She’s a fucking clone. She’s wearing one of Shay’s dresses and some of her perfume. She’s flirting with me like she’s never seen a man before. And she’s being too nice and calling me James.”

  “Okay, that’s…suspicious and not very Shay.”

  “Yeah. If AET wants Shay so badly, they can fucking have her twi
n instead. I don’t know who this bitch is, but she’s probably not gonna take me out for barbeque, so I figure we get her barbequed instead.”

  Peyton laughed. “Damn, you’re ruthless. What’s the plan?”

  “Do your computer shit and send an anonymous tip to AET that the killer from NY will be at Lincoln Park in an hour.”

  “You want AET to go after some strange woman in the middle of a public park?”

  “They’re cops, they’ll clear that shit out. That’s why I’m giving them an hour.”

  Peyton whistled. “You really think this will work?”

  “I think AET wants a scalp, so I’m giving them one. Can you do it? And how much will it cost?”

  “This is for Shay, so it’s on the house. You think you can lure this woman to the park without trouble?”

  James grunted. “Yeah. She’s practically drooling on me.”

  Peyton gasped. “I’ve got the perfect idea, and she’ll totally fall for it if she’s flirting with you and trying to be Shay.”

  “Okay. I’m listening.”

  Lieutenant Hall almost giggled with glee as she finished strapping on her armor.

  “Make sure we bring the deflectors,” she shouted.

  Sergeant Weber eyed her. “Are you sure? Those are pretty expensive.”

  “I fucking know how much they cost. Brownstone can clear entire buildings. That means he has access to magic, and that means the killer bitch with him has access to magic. We’re bringing the damned deflectors.”

  Weber nodded and jogged to the other side of the armory.

  The lieutenant grinned. It was her birthday and Christmas all rolled up into one. Once they took down Brownstone’s floozy they’d make her roll on the bounty hunter, and then it was off to an ultramax for him.

  I wish I could wave at Sergeant Mack on my way out. Your boy is going down.

  After ten more minutes of Fake Shay’s painful flirting, James figured it was time to move. If she wanted to try something in the car, he’d do what he needed to. Otherwise, he had a delivery to make to the cops.

  “We should go somewhere. There’s something I want to show you.”

  Fake Shay licked her lips. “I agree. We should go somewhere and exchange fluids.”

  “Sure, whatever.” James stood. “You have a car here?”

  “Yeah, I do, but I’ll just ride with you.”

  James shook his head. “And risk someone stealing your nice car? Fuck that. Just follow my truck. It’s not that far. We’re just going to Lincoln Park.”

  Fake Shay stuck out her bottom lip. “If you say so, but after this park thing I want to go home and have some fun.”

  “Oh, don’t worry. We’ll have a lot of fun soon.”

  The woman grinned.

  Maria’s radio crackled to life.

  “The park has been cleared of all civilians. A drone shows suspect on the way in a red Ferrari, ETA fifteen minutes.”

  Maria rose and pushed open the back doors of the van. “Okay, men. I want to make this clear. We’re going to try and capture this suspect, but she should be considered armed and extremely dangerous. We have every reason to believe she is an enhanced threat. Officer safety should be prioritized over capture. This suspect has been linked to multiple homicides on the East Coast and is believed to be a professional hitman. Don’t expect remorse or restraint. If she so much as blinks at you the wrong way, take her ass down. Am I clear?”

  “Yes, Lieutenant,” the men shouted in unison.

  “What if Brownstone shows up?” Sergeant Weber asked.

  “Fuck Brownstone. Same goes for him. If he wants to go down defending some killer, not my fucking problem.”

  Maria snorted. All it would take was one swing or shot from Brownstone in defense of this NY killer and the lieutenant would have him. The city wouldn’t drool over a man who’d hurt cops to protect a killer.

  I hope you do show up, Brownstone. That would make my whole fucking decade.

  James parked his truck up the street from the park. No police were in sight, but there was a curious lack of normal cars as well. The authorities had obviously cleared the area.

  He hopped out and walked toward Fake Shay as she exited her vehicle.

  “Remember this place?” James nodded toward the park.

  “Uh, yes?”

  “You don’t remember our first kiss here?” He forced a fake laugh. “I guess we were both pretty drunk.”

  The woman chuckled. “I kind of remember, but, yeah you’re right.”

  They walked up the street and the grass and baseball fields of the park came into view. James pointed to a bench about twenty yards away.

  “I want you to sit there. I have a very special surprise for you.”

  “A special surprise?”

  James winked. He almost gagged.

  “The kind of special surprise that all women expect from their man.”

  His stomach turned. Why the fuck had he agreed to Peyton’s fake proposal plan? For all he knew, the fucker was just doing this to mess with him.

  Fake Shay clasped her hands together and smiled, then sashayed toward the bench. “Okay, James. Hurry.”

  The bounty hunter walked toward his truck. His hands twitched. He wanted to pull out his gun and end this fake bitch himself, but the only way to get AET off Shay’s back was to deliver Shay to them, and the fake would have to do.

  “Fuck!” Maria gritted her teeth. “Brownstone’s leaving.”

  Sergeant Weber looked her way. “Should we wait?”

  “No. We need to take her now. All units advance. All units advance.”

  AET officers burst from bushes, behind cars, and around corners with their weapons raised.

  The dark-haired killer leapt up from the bench, her head jerking back and forth.

  Maria flipped the safety off on her rifle. “LAPD AET. You are under arrest on suspicion of homicide. You will drop to your knees and place your hands behind your head now.”

  The woman snorted. “You insects think you have any chance against me?”

  Maria offered her own snort. “Bitch, please—just give me a reason. You come along nice and quietly and answer a few questions for us, you might be able to see the outside of a cell before the twenty-second century.”

  A blade of shadow extended from the suspect’s right arm.

  “Cease the magic immediately or you will be fired upon!”

  “He did this, didn’t he?” The suspect laughed. “Oh, he’s worthy after all. It’s too late, though. He can’t hide from me; not anymore. I’ll show him why he should despair. Prepare to die, insects.”

  Maria growled. “Light this bitch up!”

  24

  Blue bolts of electricity along with a hail of bullets flew at the dark-haired killer but didn’t pierce the dark, shadowy aura surrounding her. The AET officers kept up their assault, but the bullets disappeared. That was even more unsettling than if they had bounced off.

  The suspect whipped out her arm, and a black sphere shot from her hand and slammed into the nearest AET officer.

  He grunted and stumbled backward. The anti-magic deflector around his neck, untouched, would have been clear and mostly translucent with a hint of blue. His was a murky brown.

  Maria ejected her magazine from her rifle and reloaded. “Get some cover!” She snapped her rifle up and fired a burst as she backed toward the AET van.

  The killer rushed toward another man and shoved her shadow blade into his chest. He screamed, and as he fell his deflector turned black and shattered.

  “Damn it.” Maria gritted her teeth.

  Two other officers grabbed the man and pulled him backward.

  “Do you see the truth now? You have no chance of beating me, especially with the pathetic tools you’ve brought.” The dark-haired killer chuckled as bullets and stun blasts continued to pound into her. “I’ll lower myself to harvest your pathetic life energy. At least in death, you’ll serve some use.”

  The lieutenant see
thed at the taunt. In a sense, the suspect was right. They’d underestimated her, and now cops were getting hurt because of it.

  Maria jumped into the van. “Blow that bitch away with the rockets!”

  A tactical drone emerged from behind a tree and fired a salvo of rockets at the suspect. The flames of the explosions enveloped her. She emerged a few seconds later, blood streamed down her face.

  The bitch wasn’t indestructible. That was all Maria had needed to know.

  “Insects, know your place!”

  The woman leapt into the air, dark wings of shadow springing from her back. She charged the drone and sliced it in half with her shadow blade before swooping down and slicing two more emerging from the trees into pieces. So much for the follow-up AET air barrage.

  Her wings vanished, and she fell to the ground. On impact, a circular blast of dark energy shot from her, knocking down most of the nearby AET officers.

  Several deflectors turned murky or black. Others shattered.

  “Fuck.” Maria tossed her rifle to the ground and grabbed a long-barreled silver railgun off the wall. The weapon was almost as long as she was tall.

  “I was going to let you flee, but now I will make sure that every last one of you dies.”

  “Damn it.” Maria hefted the railgun up and rested it on her armored shoulder. She slid back the charging bolt and the weapon hummed. “Let’s see if you can choke this down, bitch.” She pulled the trigger.

  The round blasted out of the weapon with a roar and slammed into the killer before the lieutenant could even blink. The killer jerked backward and flew through the air before slamming into the ground, rolling, and stopping face down. The shadowy nimbus remained around her body.

  Maria lowered the railgun and picked her assault rifle back up. She ejected the magazine and swapped in a clip of anti-magic bullets from the van. Each round cost more than she made in a year, and they weren’t even guaranteed to pierce magical defenses.

  “Just stay down, bitch.”

  The dark-haired killer stirred and hopped to her feet, laughing. A huge hole marred her chest. The railgun round had pierced her defenses, but she also was rather inconveniently not dead.