The Heart of Una Sackville
Page 22
CHAPTER TWENTY TWO.
_September 5th._Every day Vere seems to improve. It is simply wonderful how she hasbounded ahead after the first start. Hope and happiness have a greatdeal to do with it, the doctor says, and the expectation of beingbetter, which has taken the place of the old despair. She looksdeliciously happy, and satisfied, and at rest, while as for Jim--he isten years younger at the very least, and can hardly believe that hisgood fortune is true, and not a dream.
Needless to say he bought the ring at once--such a beauty! A great bigpearl surrounded with diamonds. I mean to have the twin of it when I amengaged myself. Vere wears it hung on a chain round her neck for thepresent, but as soon as she can walk it is to go on her finger, and theengagement will be announced. She has been propped up on her couchhigher and higher every day, and yesterday she actually sat on a chairfor half an hour, and felt none the worse.
We are all so happy that we don't know what to do--at least, I ammiserable enough sometimes when I am alone, and begin thinking ofmyself. When Vere marries and goes away I shall be horribly dull, andwhen Rachel marries I wonder where they will live--the Dudleys, I mean!_The Dudleys_! Will is heir to an old bachelor uncle who has a place inthe North. That's the reason why he is learning to be an agent here, sothat he may know how to manage his own land when he gets it. I think,on the whole, I would rather he and Rachel went quite away, but how flatand uninteresting everything would be! I shall have to go about withfather more than ever, but we shall never meet Will striding about inhis tweed suit and deerstalker cap; he will never join us any more andhave nice long talks. Oh, dear! Why do people want to marry otherpeople in this world? Why can't they all go on as they are, beingfriends and having a good time together? Captain Grantly married LadyMary at Easter, and I suppose Wallace will marry the pretty girl next,and Lorna will write to say she is engaged, and can't be bothered withme any more.
I shall never marry. I could never induce myself to accept a second-best as Vere has done. That sounds horrid, and, of course, she declaresnow that she never cared for another man, but I know better! She was inlove with Will at one time, but she knew it was hopeless, and Jim'sdevotion during all those weary months was enough to melt a heart ofstone.
Vere wished Rachel to be told of her engagement at once, and despatchedme to the Grange to carry the news, and, as Will Dudley happened to bethere at the time, he was really obliged to walk home with me, so far,at least, as our paths lay together. It was the first time we had beenreally alone for an age, and we were both rather silent for the firstpart of the walk. Then we began talking of the engagement, and got onbetter. Will had been a little uncertain in his congratulations, and heexplained why.
"Carstairs is a splendid fellow. I admire him immensely, and there isno doubt about his feelings. He has adored your sister for years, but--she never appeared to me to appreciate his devotion!"
I smiled to myself, recalling Vere's rhapsodies of an hour ago.
"By her own account she has never thought of anyone else, nor cared foranyone else, nor wished for anyone else, but has adored him all the timeshe was snubbing him and flirting with other men. Curious, isn't it?The funny part of it is she really and truly believes that it is true."
"For the moment--yes. I can understand that. She is altogether in ahighly nervous, exalted condition, and feels that the first act ofconvalescence ought to be to reward his long waiting. My only fear isthat when she gets back to a normal condition she may realise that whatshe feels is more gratitude and affection than love."
"I don't think so, and you wouldn't either if you saw them together. Idetest lovers as a rule, they are so dull and self-engrossed; but it ispretty to watch Vere and Jim. She is so saucy and domineering, and heis so blissfully happy to be bullied. Oh, yes, I am sure it is allright! I am sure they will be happy."
"God grant it!" he said solemnly. "Everything depends upon the truth oftheir feelings for each other. If that is right, nothing else will havepower to hurt them seriously. If it is not--" He broke off, looking soserious that I felt frightened, and said nervously:
"But, surely--even at the worst, gratitude and affection would be a goodfoundation!"
"For everything else, but not for marriage. It is a ghastly mistake toimagine that they can ever take the place of love. Never fall into thaterror, Babs, however much you may be tempted. Never let any impulse ofgratitude or pity induce you to promise to marry a man if you have nowarmer feeling. It would be the most cruel thing you could do, not onlyfor yourself, but for him!"
"I have fallen into it once already, but he would not have me," I said,recalling my hasty speech to Wallace Forbes, and at that Will's face litup with sudden animation, and he cried eagerly:
"Was that the explanation? I guessed, of course, that something hadhappened while you were away last autumn. You remember I was calling onyour sister at the time of your unexpected return, and you have neverbeen quite the same since? Whatever happened then has changed you froma girl into a woman."
I sighed, as I always did when I recalled that miserable incident.
"I am glad you think so. I want to be changed. Please don't think methe heroine of an interesting romance. I was a selfish wretch, andamused myself by flirting without thinking of anything but my ownamusement. I was very down on my luck just then, and had got it into myhead that no one cared for me, and when--he--_did_, it cheered andsoothed my feelings, so I let things drift until it was too late. Doyou despise me altogether, or can you understand that, bad as it was, itwasn't so hopelessly bad as it sounds?"
"I understand better than you think, perhaps. And you repented insackcloth and ashes, and were ready to make a sacrifice of yourself byway of reparation? Thank heaven he was man enough to refuse that offer!Whatever happens to the rest of us, you, at least, must be happy. Youwere meant for happiness, and must not throw it aside. I shall probablyleave this place soon, and we may seldom meet in the future, but Ishould like to think of you in the sunshine. Promise me to be happy,Babs! Promise me that you will be happy!"
He turned towards me with a violence of voice and manner so unlike hisusual composed, half-quizzical manner, that I was quite aghast, and didnot know how to reply. For the first time a doubt of his own happinesssprang into my mind, and once there it seemed to grow bigger and biggerwith every moment that passed. He did not speak like a happy man; hedid not look like a man whose heart was at rest. Looking at himclosely, I saw a network of lines about his mouth, which I had nevernoticed before; his eyes looked tired and sunken. He has changed sinceI saw him first a year ago, and yet there seems nothing to account forit, for his circumstances are all the same. Is he depressed becauseRachel still puts off their marriage? Oh, if I were in her place Icould not endure to see him looking ill and sad, and still leave himalone! Nothing should keep me away! I'd jump over the moon to get tohis side!
We stood still in the middle of the quiet path and stared at each other.I don't know what he was thinking, but my own thoughts made me blushand change the subject hurriedly.
"Oh, I mean to be happy! I have had so much anxiety and trouble thislast year that I'm just bubbling over with pent-up spirits. Thisengagement has put the finishing touch to my self-control, and I must dosomething at once to let off steam. Did you hear me ask Rachel to goover to Farnham with us to-morrow? Father and mother and I are going todo it in record time in the new motor, and Rachel is coming, too. Shehas never been in a motor, and is eager to see what it is like. It'squite a triumph to get her to accept an invitation, isn't it? You cancome, too, if you like; there's room for another, and the more themerrier. Do come, and let us all be happy together! We could have sucha merry day!"
He hesitated for a moment, then laughed in a sort of reckless way, andcried loudly:
"Yes, let us be happy! It is only for one day. Let us throw care tothe winds, and think of nothing but our own enjoyment. Oh, yes, I'llcome! We wil
l have a happy day, Babs--a happy day together!"
So now it is all arranged, and I am longing for the time to come. Wethree will sit together on the back seat and talk all the time, and, asWill says, I shall just forget everything in the world I don't care toremember, and enjoy every minute of the time.