When the Time Comes

by Adele O'Neill

‘No,’ I answer.

  ‘Nothing further,’ she says and retakes her seat.

  15.

  One Day Before Jenny Died

  ‘So,’ Jenny said, ‘no morning hug for your mum?’ Josh forced a smile on his face in return. It was near ten on Saturday morning and Josh had just returned home from the night before and, even though he had texted Abbie to say that he was staying at a friend’s, she wanted to check in with him. She opened her arms for him to hug her.

  ‘I know what you’re doing,’ He smiled and leaned down towards her holding his breath to kiss her on the cheek. ‘And it’s weird,’ he added.

  ‘There’s nothing weird about wanting to hug my son,’ she chuckled, she had waited for him to come into the room on his own so she could talk to him.

  ‘No, but you’re trying to trick me into hugging you just so you can smell my breath or, I don’t know, do a swab test on my armpits or something.’ He laughed out loud as he pulled away from her embrace.

  ‘Well, for one thing, I don’t need a biochemical petri dish to establish that your body odour is a little riper than it should be. And by the way, I’m doing a newspaper article today so there’ll be a photographer and a reporter here from the Sunday Independent later, so you might want to get yourself a shower.’

  ‘Seriously?’ Josh asked.

  ‘Yes, seriously,’ she said.

  She scrunched up her face in response to the smell that wafted up her nose and pulled the hem of his T-shirt demonstrating that it was no longer the crisp white T-shirt that had been freshly laundered and put on him yesterday before he had gone out. ‘And I don’t need to smell your breath to know that you have been drinking last night either. I could tell that by the colour of your eyes as soon as you slinked in through that door ten minutes ago,’ she added.

  ‘And you know that I’m responsible, Mum, and that I wouldn’t do anything stupid,’ Josh retorted.

  ‘I’d agree with the first part of that sentence, maybe,’ she said. ‘Where were you last night?’ She paused to read his reaction. ‘Or at least tell me who you were with?’

  ‘Mum, seriously?’ He shifted awkwardly on his feet. He would never tell her the truth and he hoped Sarah wouldn’t either.

  ‘Seriously,’ she said. She knew that, at nearly eighteen years of age, she had long since passed the point of being able to tell him what to do and who to do it with. Unlike some of the other mothers of his peers, she had accepted the fact that her son had grown up and, rather than try and prevent him from doing something stupid, she hoped that she had educated him enough so that he was mature enough to make good choices.

  ‘I was at Mark’s.’ He clenched his teeth, throwing his eyes towards the movement upstairs; Abbie was already busy packing and organising. ‘His mum and dad were at a wedding and they let us have a few of the gang over.’ He glanced at her reaction, the bit about the wedding was at least true and his pal Mark would cover for him without a shadow of a doubt. ‘And you said before that young lads are just as unsafe as girls walking home alone so I stayed at Mark’s… and yes, we were drinking,’ he agreed, ‘but not that much.’ He figured if he admitted to some of what she was suspecting him of, she might let the subject go and not pry any further. ‘And yes, I have a headache so you can say I told you so and get satisfaction from the fact that I am suffering this morning.’ He smiled, hoping that was the end of the conversation. He scanned the room. ‘In fact, I will probably be suffering all day.’

  ‘As long as it was just the two of you sleeping over.’ She warned. ‘Mark’s mum will go mad if you had girls staying overnight.’

  ‘I can promise you, Mum, no girls stayed over in Mark’s last night.’ He smiled. At least that part wasn’t a lie. ‘Anyway, where are we at?’ he surveyed the room.

  A clutter of unpacked boxes and piles of clothes lined every available surface, waiting in turn to be transferred into the IKEA storage system that now stood in the alcoves of the front room. Josh moved two boxes from the sofa and wedged his backside on the arm between two piles of towels.

  ‘When there was no sign of you this morning, I was beginning to think that you were staying away out of protest.’ She raised her eyebrows letting him know she had known what he had said to Abbie the night before. ‘And with Sarah not showing up either, I thought I had a mutiny on my hands.’ She shrugged her shoulders and checked her watch again. It was so unlike her to be late.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Josh asked, beads of sweat running down his back, a worried expression on his face.

  ‘I just meant with you being late and her not showing up at all,’ she gestured around the room. Sarah would normally have been the first in the door directing operations, calling out instructions and keeping everyone on their toes. Jenny had texted her a couple of times to make sure there was nothing wrong and she hadn’t yet answered.

  ‘Is she not here?’ he asked, nervously pretending to not already know. Her car had been the first thing he checked for when he got to his house. ‘Maybe she could be working or something?’ he suggested his mind brimming with unease.

  ‘On a Saturday?’ Jenny questioned.

  ‘Maybe not, I don’t know.’ Josh could feel his face paling by the second. His mum was right, Sarah not being in Oakley Drive when she had expressly said she would be was highly unusual and if she didn’t show up soon his mum would begin to suspect something was wrong. When he woke in Sarah’s bed earlier, she had already left and while it suited him not to have to face her, normal one-night-stand rules didn’t really apply. It wasn’t a case of him leaving and never having to see her again. Sarah was his mother’s best friend and they needed to sort out how they were going to be around each other in the future. He would have texted her, but he had been afraid that Sarah was already at his mum’s and that his mum would have seen his name coming up on Sarah’s phone. In the absence of being able to talk to her he had left her a note instead.

  Sarah,

  I’m not texting in case you’re already at Mum’s and she sees my name come up on your phone, but I wanted to talk to you about last night. I was out of line coming over to your house, but I was just so angry with Dad and thought that we could do something together to stop Mum letting him move in. It was never my intention to come on to you the way I did and when I did, I honestly thought you’d kick me out. I don’t know about you, but I think it’s best for both of us if we don’t tell anyone what happened. Also, not that it’s an excuse, but I drank a lot of your wine when you weren’t looking.

  Sorry again and thanks

  Josh

  He positioned the note on the hall table so that she’d see it as soon as she returned. He made sure to secure it in place by wedging the top of it under a package that was sitting there in case a gust of wind blew it away when she opened the door. He dithered before he left and smiled at how old fashioned the entire encounter had been. He couldn’t remember ever having to write a note before. Normally a quickly composed text would have sufficed on an occasion like this. Had to go. Tx for last night, C U around sometime. But this was a little more complicated. And the lads, if he did decide to tell them, would never believe what he had just done. He was just about to pull Sarah Barry’s front door behind him when he decided to go back in. He took a photo of the note and saved it to his camera roll. If he did decide to tell Mark and the lads what he had got up to, at least he’d have evidence to back up his story.

  A swell of heat rippled up his neck now and landed squarely on the shadow of black stubble that had covered his jaw. He tilted his head and drank back the emotion that was threatening to fall down his cheeks. What the hell was he thinking?

  ‘Are you alright?’ Jenny asked. She noticed the furrowed wrinkles on Josh’s forehead and the pained expression on his face. She hated that he was feeling so lost, but she knew that Liam moving back in was for the best in the long run and that sometime, hopefully soon, Josh would come around. She dropped her hand to the side of her chair to release her brake so that she could attempt
to move closer and grabbed his hand to pull him nearer to her. ‘You know, your dad moving back in today is not going to change anything we have together. I’ll still need you. Abbie will still need you. I just want your dad to be part of your lives, that’s all.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah.’ He pulled away gently, not wanting to continue the conversation. ‘I know.’ He shook his head and painted a smile on his face trying to reset his thoughts. ‘I’m grand, Mum.’

  ‘You don’t look as if you are,’ Jenny said, reaching to touch his face. ‘I think you sometimes forget that I know you, I know what you’re thinking and I know that you aren’t really happy with your dad moving back in, but I promise you, this will be good for all of us.’

  ‘I suppose so.’ It was easier to have his mother think that his discomfort was because of his dad moving back in than for her to know the truth. He would die if she knew what had really gone on and he suspected that Sarah would too. No mother wants to know about the sexual exploits of their seventeen-year-old son, especially not when they concern her forty-five-year-old best friend. ‘Don’t mind me,’ he rooted through the basket of medication that had been placed on the fireplace and took out a foil pack of Nurofen tablets. ‘I’ll be fine in a few minutes once these kick in.’

  ‘You need to eat something, get some sugar into you too or salt.’ Jenny said. She would have loved nothing better than to be able to get up from where she sat and cook him a big salty fry-up, but those days were gone. These days her motherly reassurances came in words only as actions were sometimes impossible. ‘You’ll be fine then.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah,’ Josh waved away her concern, ‘I’ll be grand.’

  ‘And you’ll need your energy if we’ve to get all this done by tonight, especially if Sarah doesn’t show up.’ Jenny added. The chaotic collection of clothes, toiletries, medical paraphernalia and books were the culmination of her efforts that came in fits and bursts during the week and the concerted effort of Abbie since earlier that morning. Moving into the lounge downstairs wouldn’t have been her first choice, but with her legs not working as well as they should have and the constant encouragement from her occupational therapist, moving her bedroom downstairs seemed like the most reasonable choice to make. The fact that there was already a bathroom on the ground floor was a bonus and it meant that she could keep her independence for a while longer and that Liam could move back into her room upstairs.

  ‘Don’t worry, it’ll all be done,’ Josh replied, shutting his eyes to avoid the reality of what faced him, putting the sadness at seeing his mother deteriorate out of his head.

  ‘That’s my boy,’ she answered. The sentiment of his reassurance that everything would be done made her smile.

  ‘Josh,’ Jenny was weary of how distressed he appeared, ‘are you really that upset about Dad moving back in?

  ‘I told you, I‘m just a little dehydrated, Mum. I didn’t drink enough water at training yesterday and then when I had those two beers at Mark’s last night.’

  ‘Two?’ she grinned.

  ‘Yes, Mum. Two.’ He confirmed. ‘I’ll be fine once these tablets kick in.’ He felt confused and shifted uncomfortably on his seat. His mind was a torment of thoughts each vying for his attention and he struggled to keep his concentration on his mother’s conversation. He stood up and paused in front of her, furrowing his eyebrows together. ‘Everything is fine.’ His eyes were drawn to a family photo that lay on her bed, still in its frame. It had been taken six years ago when the four of them had been to Orlando. Times were fun then. He shook his head. ‘I don’t necessarily agree with what’s going on.’ He waved his hands around the room. ‘And you know that dad and I don’t see eye to eye, but if this is what you want, well then so be it.’ His head dropped briefly into his hands.

  ‘Well, first of all, that tone makes a welcome change,’ she said, surprised at the resignation in his voice.

  ‘Well, I could tell you that I hate him, that I wish you hadn’t taken him back, that you are making a big mistake, but what would be the point?’ His rage of yesterday had been somewhat spent and the distraction of having slept with Sarah had taken some of his normal anger away.

  ‘Just to be clear Josh, you know as well as I do that I have not taken your dad back,’ she made crude quotation marks with her fingers, the spasm that had begun on Thursday, still not fully gone. ‘I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, there is nothing remotely affectionate or romantic about your dad moving back into the house and that the purpose of him being here is to support you and Abbie. He’s here for you, he’s not here for me, he’s here to be the parent that I can no longer be.’

  ‘Yeah, I know, Mum,’ Josh said quietly.

  ‘It could be worse,’ she suggested,’ ‘you could have to move out to live with him.’

  ‘As if that would happen,’ he sniffed.

  ‘Well,’ she chose her words carefully. ‘You’re only seventeen, Abbie is only fifteen, and if something were to happen to me, you won’t be able to stay on your own, at least this way, you get to stay here.’

  ‘Okay. But that doesn’t change the fact that he did leave you. He left all of us when we needed him most and he did have an affair and he did lie to you and us about it. And you might have forgiven him for what he’s done but I haven’t yet.’ He knew arguing the point was futile and that she had heard him say all of this before.

  ‘That’s fair enough, but might I remind you, Josh Buckley that sometimes people lie about what they’ve done and that doesn’t necessarily make them bad people… just good people who made bad decisions, maybe?’ She suggested. Josh wasn’t sure if the comment was directed at him or not, but it was quite fitting on both counts.

  ‘Maybe,’ he responded.

  ‘And I know you mean well, sweetheart, I really do, but right now I need you to at least try and move past this, for all our sakes, okay?’ Jenny was worn, both physically and emotionally and she didn’t think she had any reserve strength left to fight anymore. ‘Your dad moving back in is for the best, trust me on this. This is happening, love, me moving downstairs, your dad moving in… It’s all for one reason, so that you guys will not be on your own when I die. I need you to give your dad a chance.’ Jenny watched as Josh dabbed the corner of his eye. ‘All that matters is love, Josh. That’s all that has ever mattered and after I’m gone, that’s all that will remain, I hope.’

  ‘Don’t talk like that Mum, you’re not going anywhere.’ At least not yet, he screamed silently in his mind.

  ‘Good old-fashioned, unconditional love with no expiry date. Your dad never stopped loving you guys and he may have made a woefully bad decision, but he’s sorry for what he’s done and right now, all you and Abbie need is love, all I need is love, so why not take it when we can?’

  Josh didn’t answer, he couldn’t with the ball of tears that were stuck at the back of his throat.

  16.

  Trial Day 7

  Abbie Buckley

  ‘The defence calls Dr Flynn, state pathologist, to the stand.’ My hands are shaking and I clasp them in front of me, trying to hold them still as the jury are ushered to their seats. The judge nods at William and the doctor walks to where he’ll stand for his questioning. There’s a bright ray of sunshine bouncing in from the windows just to the left of where he’ll stand. I watch the judge watching him and then I follow his eyes as they land on Dad. I wonder what he thinks, the judge; he gives nothing away, the only thing I’ve seen him move are his large inquisitive eyes and his overgrown eyebrows. He sits leaning forward with one ear cocked as though he can’t hear.

  ‘Did you perform the post-mortem examination of Jennifer Buckley on the 5th of June 2018?’ William doesn’t waste any time, his questions are succinct, clear. Dad says today is the science-y bit, the day that all the medical evidence of Mum’s death will be heard. He said it would be boring and that I should have stayed at home, but I didn’t want to. Besides, I want to be here with Josh and I don’t want to miss a thing.

  ‘Ye
s,’ Dr Flynn replies dutifully. So what? I want to shout out. So what? Mum is dead so why does it even matter anymore?

  ‘And can you, for the court, tell us what the cause of death was?’

  ‘Cause of death was lethal overdose of sodium pentobarbital,’ he says as though he’s answering a quiz question on The Chase. It’s like Bradley Walsh is going to find some sexual innuendo in some stupid answer he gives before he puts him through to the next round.

  I googled it, the name sodium pentobarbital, when we came home the other night and Josh went mad. He said that our search history has already been under scrutiny and that if I googled the drugs that someone would use to commit suicide or anything to do with the case or how Mum died, that the Gardaí would probably be back here. They’d take our computers and phones again, searching through them for evidence that Dad had done something wrong. They did that the first time. I think Josh hated it more than any of us, but likely because he was embarrassed at the porn they would probably find on his. I’d say they were bored with the YouTube makeup tutorials and Pinterest posts on mine. I had only gone into his room on Monday night because I thought he would have liked to know. It said that sodium pentobarbital, when injected in a lethal dose, brings about a peaceful death. That was all I wanted to tell him, so that at least he could know that Mum was peaceful at the end. I’m not so naïve as to not recognise his faults and I know he needs a little nudge every now and then to be more pleasant. Mum would say most teenage boys do, but I only wanted to give him something nice to think about and then when I said that maybe I’d phone Sarah he cracked up. Telling me not to be in touch with her again. He apologised of course, that’s what he always does, acts before he thinks. Uninhibited by the consequences until the adrenaline has washed away and the remorse for whatever he’s done has come to stay.

  ‘And can you tell us what sodium pentobarbital is normally used for?’ William continues.