The London of Us

by Clare Lydon

  I wondered if I should take up some affirmations as part of my daily routine.

  Chapter 4

  It was a gorgeous mid-summer morning, nearly the end of June and only two weeks till I broke up for the summer — and if this weather held, I couldn’t wait. The A levels were over, my students were finished, so I was spending this Friday morning doing some familial bonding with my sister, Sabrina, walking among the greenery of north London on Primrose Hill. The air was already bone dry, wrapping itself around us as we prepared for high-summer action.

  Sabrina had Fridays off work, so she was making use of her free time, bringing her three-year-old daughter Flavia out for a walk with her Aunty Alice. Although right now, Flavia really wasn’t taking part in the outing, being fast asleep in her buggy, mouth open and clutching Peppa Pig in her tiny arms.

  Sabrina was two years older than me and happily married. She wasn’t known for her wisdom, but when it came to relationships, I had to assume she had one up on me.

  “You know you and Simon,” I said, as we began walking up the incline to the top of hill.

  “I do know him, seeing as he’s my husband.” Sabrina squinted into the sunshine even though she was wearing sunglasses, a few strands of her dark hair caught in one of the arms.

  It was only 9am, but already I could feel sweat on my back — today was going to be a scorcher. The pre-glow of sunshine to come hung in the air, but the park was surprisingly clear, just a few stragglers dashing by on their way to work. I loved London in the summer, especially later on when half the population went on holiday and the city cleared out. I especially loved it in the sunshine.

  “When did you know?” I winced. I knew how it sounded, and what did I want Sabrina to say, anyway? To tell me the secret to everlasting love? To show me how to stay fully in love with Jake, and not have my head turned by a certain chef?

  She had no control over that and, it was turning out, neither did I.

  Sure enough, Sabrina stopped pushing the buggy and turned to me.

  “When did I know?” she said, her voice rising at the end to show what she thought of my question. “When did I know what? That he should never drink gin because it makes him sob? That he does a very impressive Robbie Williams impersonation?” She narrowed her eyes. “Or when did I know he was the one for me?”

  I blushed and nodded, keeping my eyes focused on the pavement beneath my feet, on the warm air stroking my arms, on the London that was spread out ahead.

  Anywhere but Sabrina’s face, and the many calculations I knew my sister’s mind was already processing.

  “Let’s see.” Sabrina resumed the buggy pushing up the incline, a satisfied smile creasing her face. “It was probably when he bought me flowers when I had toothache. Or perhaps when he bought me a banana holder for my bananas. It’s the little things that mean people are keepers.” She paused, turning her interested gaze on me. “Are you thinking you might have found your one?”

  I so wished I could nod and beam at her, tell her that one plus one did equal two.

  But I couldn’t.

  I’d found Jake, but now my heart was washing its hands of him and reaching out for someone else.

  Someone new.

  Someone completely unexpected.

  And that was so scary, sometimes it made me catch my breath.

  I shook my head slowly. “Not quite. It’s just lately I’m wondering if I should know by now. I mean, we’ve been together a while, should there have been a moment when I knew he was the one for me?”

  Sabrina took a moment before she replied. “I think you just know,” she said. “I mean, not in a lightning-bolt kind of way, but more of an over-time kind of way. I got together with Simon, we had loads of sex, and when that wore off, you have to think whether or not you’re happy with what you’re left with. That’s the crux of any relationship.” She paused. “Only you know the answer, but I’d say what you’re left with is pretty good. Jake’s kind, considerate, he’s got arms of steel and looks hot in a pair of jeans. You could do a lot worse.”

  I could do a lot worse. But was that reason enough to stay with someone? My head said Jake was the safe bet, but my heart wasn’t just having second thoughts; it had drawn a line in the sand and was standing there, arms crossed, pouting.

  We reached the top of Primrose Hill and my mind went back to our childhood, when Mum used to bring us both up here to look at London when we visited. Our parents had met here, but moved out when they had us, bringing us up in the Surrey countryside. However, as soon as we’d flown the nest, they’d moved back in. They were Londoners through and through, just as we were now, too.

  “Remember when we used to come here when we were kids?” I ran my fingertips along the metal plaque that showed what you could see in the skyline ahead.

  Sabrina nodded. “And now we’re bringing Flavia. Who looks really interested, by the way.” She put her arm around me and squeezed hard. “Who knows, if things do work out with Jake, maybe you’ll be bringing your kids up here soon, too. A little springy-haired boy in tight shorts — I can picture it now.”

  I knew she meant well, but her comments ran through me like a chill wind, even on this heated morning. I was pretty sure it was what Jake wanted — to settle down, get married and have children. He hadn’t come out and said it, but he’d been dropping hints.

  Only, every time he did lately, I closed him down, changed the subject.

  When I was growing up, meeting a man like Jake, getting married and having kids was all I was focused on. However, now he was here and offering me that future, I wasn’t sure I wanted it.

  I was on the verge of dumping all my carefully planned dreams because of a new feeling, one that scared the hell out of me and sent me into a tailspin all at the same time.

  Feelings for another woman. Feelings I wasn’t meant to be having at all.

  “I’d love that, you know — a little cousin for Flavia,” Sabrina said, as her daughter stirred in her buggy.

  We both looked down, but it was a false alarm, the toddler merely moving in her sleep.

  “I’m not exactly thinking along the same lines.” I sounded vague, which fairly reflected the state of my mind.

  “Right!” Sabrina squeezed my arm. “I get it. You want to get married first.”

  My heart fell into my shoes.

  Not quite. “That’s not happening any time soon.”

  I should just tell her, but it wasn’t as easy as it sounded. And what would I say?

  That Rachel and Jake were on my mind, 24/7, but it was Rachel who was making my heart boom, not my boyfriend?

  “I just think life was a lot easier when we were kids, when Mum and Dad were bringing us here, when we used to race to the top of the hill and collapse, nothing else to worry about later on.”

  Sabrina scrunched up her face. “You make your life sound terrible. Things aren’t that bad, are they? Cheer up, you’re on holiday for six weeks soon. I’d love a bit of that!”

  “I’ve just been wondering if there shouldn’t be something more, something that makes my life stand out, something that takes my breath away.” I paused. “I guess that’s it — I want something to take my breath away and I don’t have that right now.”

  Sabrina bit her lip, her knuckles whitening as she gripped the buggy tighter as we made our descent.

  “Breathtaking is asking a lot,” she said. “Simon took my breath away the other night when he made me a cup of tea without me asking. That’s the kind of thing that inspires me.” She glanced my way, trying to work me out. “Maybe you should get Jake to give you a personal training session. That’d be sure to take your breath away.”

  I gave her a tight smile: that was kinda the issue. Jake was lovely, but our relationship had always felt safe. Whereas Rachel was the opposite: every time I saw her, I forgot how to breathe.

  Sabrina stopped and glanced at me. “But I thought everything was going so well. You’ve got a lovely flat, you like your job, and you’ve got a great
boyfriend — and a new role in a hit food and fitness channel. Who’d have thought you’d be a YouTube star this year?”

  “Not me.” But the channel was part of my problem.

  “That Rachel seems lovely, too, I’d love to meet her. But most of all, I’d love to have her cook for me — does all her food taste as good as it looks?”

  “Better,” I said, thinking back to the past weekend when Rachel had done wonders with some chicken, mustard and spinach.

  “And have you been out at any swanky restaurants lately? You being such good friends really jumps off the screen — your chemistry is a big draw.”

  She had no idea.

  “That’s what Jake says,” I said, feeling the blood rush to my cheeks. “Along with all the YouTube comments.”

  “I know, I was reading them the other day. Some people have got some nerve writing what they do — they know you’re going out with Jake, yet they want you to get it on with Rachel? It’s a food and exercise channel, not Porn Hub.”

  I shrugged, like I hadn’t been reading them incessantly. “Online comments are the province of anonymous keyboard warriors. They can say what they like, they’re not going to get caught, are they?”

  “It’s a bit rich though, isn’t it?” She paused. “How does Jake feel about it?”

  I shrugged, squirming under such scrutiny. I knew she was asking out of concern, but this was a bit too close to the bone. “You know Jake, he’s very chill about stuff generally.”

  Sabrina glanced my way, and was quiet for a moment. “And is there any truth in the comments?”

  I screwed up my face in outrage, but didn’t dare look at her, just in case she could see right through me. Make no mistake, my sister had that superpower.

  “Of course not, why do you say that?”

  But she wasn’t about to be thrown off so easily. “You’re not sure about Jake, and I’ve got eyes. Yes, I can see you’re good friends, but you’ve chatted more about Rachel over the past year than you have about any other friend. Nobody else gets as much air time, not even Jake. And Rachel’s a lesbian, so—”

  “—so we’re bound to get it on? Come on, Sabrina, I expect more from you than that.” I kicked a stone down the hill and we watched it scuttle off the path, into the fading grass. I knew my outburst was more to do with me than Sabrina, but I wasn’t going to tell her that.

  She stopped pushing Flavia’s buggy as we got to the bottom of the hill, coming to a standstill beside some trees in full bloom — Mum would know what they were called, but I hadn’t mastered that art yet.

  “I’m not just saying that because Rachel’s a lesbian — I know full well that lesbians don’t hit on every woman they meet.” She put her hands on both hips in punctuation, her stance defensive, her stare direct.

  “All I’m saying is that it seems like you might like her. And I get you’re defensive, it’s a scary thing. But if you do like her, I’d say it’s best to tell Jake before anything happens. Because if it does and you’re on screen together, I’ll be able to tell. And after that, it’s only a matter of time before everyone else can, too. And then, I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes when the comments start rolling in.”

  I bit my lip before answering, my thoughts scattered, my brain stuck as if jammed, its warning light flashing.

  “You’re barking up the wrong tree here, sis.” I dug my heels in where they didn’t need to be dug. “Yes, I’m questioning things with Jake, but it has nothing to do with Rachel. She’s gay and I’m not. End of story.”

  Sabrina gave me a look I recognised, one that told me she was happy to park it for now, but also, she didn’t believe a word coming out of my mouth.

  And honestly, I can’t say I blamed her.

  Chapter 5

  Seeing Sabrina had shaken me up, brought my feelings into razor-sharp focus. I’d been fending them off for so long, but I was growing tired. How long could I fight without my feelings striking back? And didn’t I owe Jake more than this? He’d been nothing but patient, but even he was beginning to wonder what had changed.

  Last night at dinner he’d asked what was wrong, asked me to talk to him, but I hadn’t been able to. Mainly because I couldn’t. Talking to Sabrina had been the first step. The next step was admitting it to myself, and then taking action. Because what I was doing now wasn’t fair to anyone.

  To me, to Jake, or to my heart.

  I exhaled, pushing my sunglasses up my nose, coming to a stop in the middle of Finsbury Park. The traffic roared by on both sides of the green space, and I settled myself underneath my favourite oak tree, shielded from the late afternoon sun. It was the final week of school, the term winding down to a close. Work stresses were fleeing my mind and now real life was stamping its feet, waiting for some attention.

  It’d been waiting for a long while, and as I settled down on the faded, pale yellow grass, I knew this was the perfect place to do a stock-take of my life. Chiefly, of who I was now and what the hell my next step should be.

  Because with every day that passed, it was clear I was not the same person I was six months ago. Or even two months ago. Or even yesterday.

  It was high time I lifted the lid, became brave.

  If I was going to move forward, bravery was everything I needed.

  These new feelings had been brewing just under the surface, but I’d been steadfastly ignoring them. And while I was at work, or with anyone else who wasn’t Jake or Rachel, I could manage them. It was almost too easy. I was adept at giving the impression that everything was fine. Nobody had caught on, and I was developing an impressive talent for acting.

  I was Alice di Santo, the straight girl with the cute boyfriend. I blended in with the crowd.

  Everything about me spelt normal, content; I had a boyfriend, I was the norm.

  Only, it wasn’t true, was it?

  And that came flooding out whenever I was around Jake or Rachel. Spilling out of every pore, leaving me in wild panic, questioning everything I’d ever believed about myself: had my whole life been built on a lie? And why was it choosing to announce itself now?

  I couldn’t carry on as I was: I was hurting myself and everyone around me. If I kept on without changing anything, one day something would happen and I would shatter into a thousand tiny pieces. And by then, I might be so fractured, it would be impossible to piece myself back together again. I didn’t want that to happen.

  I wanted to be the best version of me I could possibly be, and I knew there was only one way to do that.

  Accept who I was becoming and see what I should do about it.

  I chewed on my thoughts and stared up into the pastel blue sky. It was a perfect summer’s day, while I was a perfect summery mess.

  Yet only I had the power to change things.

  But giving up everything I’d always thought was mine to take, and going on a different journey scared the shit out of me. Taking the road less travelled, rather than the road laid out for me since birth.

  If I stayed with Jake, I knew every inch of road, every divot. I’d driven down it many times before. If I turned right with Jake by my side, it was the move everyone expected. The option I’d expected forever.

  I’d always thought it would be the easiest move, seamless, smooth.

  But every time I tried, my heart stalled. Far from being easy, staying with Jake was ringing every warning bell in my body, the clanging growing increasingly loud.

  From being the easiest route, suddenly staying with Jake was the route that left me frozen with fear.

  Fear of not living a full life, a true life.

  A life I really wanted.

  But also a life I never expected in a million years.

  If I turned left, I didn’t know the other road at all. I’d never driven it and my GPS couldn’t find it. This road might be paved with gold, but equally, it might be paved with heartbreak and uncertainty.

  My head had been telling me to stay on the more certain road, to go where I was expected. But now, even my he
ad was being turned.

  Apparently, in my thirties, I was staging a protest.

  I’d always been a good girl. I remembered birthdays, flossed most days, I’d got a degree and then a boyfriend.

  But now, every time I saw that boyfriend, I clammed up.

  And every time I saw the object of my desire, her, I clammed up for very different reasons.

  I couldn’t carry on — I saw that now as brightly as the sun above.

  Did that mean I was heading down the road less travelled? Maybe.

  Was I scared? Out of my tiny mind.

  Was I excited? A petrified excitement that made me want to pee every time I thought about it.

  Did I feel like I was alive?

  Yes, and the feeling was so huge, it felt like it might swallow me whole.

  Chapter 6

  As promised, Jake picked me up after his Saturday morning of training, coming out of the shower smelling of musk and honey again, just as he had this morning. He was chirpy, in nesting mode. Jake loved shopping for homeware, whereas I did not.

  Despite that, I was doing some of my best acting again, having spent the morning drinking a vat of tea and making concrete decisions.

  I couldn’t carry on, and with a whole summer ahead of me, I had to change things.

  I was going to tell him.

  I’d come to that conclusion yesterday, bottled out last night when he didn’t get in till late and was tired, so it was going to be tonight. We’d go to Ikea, get the tables he was hell-bent on buying, then come back and I’d sit him down.

  It was the right thing to do.

  The only thing to do.

  But it didn’t stop me chewing on my nerves as we sat in the Saturday traffic on the first day of my summer holidays, wishing I was anywhere but here.

  Blazing summer days were not supposed to be spent on the North Circular in a microwave-hot car, thinking about how you should split up with your boyfriend.

  “I’m still not sure why you want new bedside tables,” I said, not for the first time since we left.