by Clare Lydon
She had no need; no need at all.
“Don’t ever doubt me — and if I’m feeling something, I promise to talk to you, okay? I’m not saying this is going to be plain sailing, but I hope I did enough to convince you that last night wasn’t something I did lightly.”
I kissed her lips and it shook me to the core.
Even more so when Rachel put her arms around me and squeezed me tight.
“You did plenty,” she said. “And I can see what it meant to you. You’re radiant.” She kissed me again, running her index finger along my lips and fixing me with her stare.
I sucked her fingers into my mouth and we both groaned in unison, closing our eyes.
It wasn’t just about sex, but then again, this was amazing. What was this? This feeling, this want, this overwhelming, earth-shattering need? I’d never experienced it before, and I wondered if Rachel had either. Was this every woman she’d been with, or just us? I’d love to know, but morning one was a little early for those kind of questions.
She opened her eyes as she removed her fingers, blinked, then stepped back, blowing out a breath and going back to the coffee. “No regrets?”
I shook my head. “Not about being with you.”
Rachel gave me my coffee, stirred the paella, then took my hand, leading me onto the balcony. Delilah followed us, wagging her tail. The heat was already palpable at 10.30, the smell of the Thames rising up: oil, brine and salt. I arched my face into the sun, glad of its rays this morning. The sunshine matched my mood perfectly.
“But if we’re being open and honest, one thing that does worry me is you’ve got quite a few years head-start.” I took a deep breath. “I’m kinda out of my depth, aren’t I?” Because as much as I was brimming with everything that had happened in the past 24 hours, I still had my fair share of insecurities.
Rachel smiled. “I don’t think it works like that, does it? I mean, I’ve slept with a number of women, some of them were great, some of them stole my heart and didn’t give it back, and some of them were just plain terrible.”
She held my gaze as she spoke, and I was hanging on her every word. Because after all, when it came to being a lesbian, I was merely the apprentice, and Rachel was the wise, all-knowing mentor.
The sexy-as-hell, wise, all-knowing mentor.
“I’ve always thought that when it comes to relationships and sex, whenever you start a new one, it’s like wiping the slate clean and starting fresh. And you might not have slept with any other women, but in the end, we’re coming at this on an equal footing — just two people putting their trust in one another, seeing where things go.”
“I like that logic a lot,” I replied. “It makes me feel less of a novice.”
“You didn’t act like a novice last night.”
I stared at her when she said that, wondering how I’d managed to get through all those months of being together, filming and chatting, without touching her and kissing her? It seemed almost rude all the time we’d wasted.
But back then, I’d had a boyfriend, so it hadn’t been that easy. And said ex currently had a recording of the two of us kissing, and I really needed to get hold of him.
My face obviously showed my change in mood, as Rachel sat forward. “What’s wrong?”
“Just thinking about calling Jake. But honestly, it’s the last thing I want to do. I don’t want to burst this bubble we’re in, it’s too glorious, too perfect.”
“You want me to do it?”
“No, it should be me,” I replied. “Thank you, though. You just need to be there for me to freak out on after I do it.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Rachel said, and the look in her eyes told me she meant it.
“Neither am I,” I replied, remembering Rachel inside me last night and feeling my cheeks colour.
“Does the fact I had a boyfriend before bother you?”
She shook her head straight away. “Everybody’s got a past.”
“But the fact he’s a man?”
She chuckled. “I’m not going to penalise you for not being a gold-star lesbian, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“A what?”
“A gold star — it means you’re a lesbian who’s only ever slept with women.”
“There’s a term for that?” My mind was officially boggled.
Rachel smiled as she nodded. “There’s a term for most things these days.”
“Are you a gold-star lesbian?” I wasn’t sure what I hoped the answer would be.
She nodded again. “I am — but I prefer to just say lesbian or queer. Sexuality is fluid, isn’t it? I have a friend who was with women for 15 years, and is now happily settled with a man. I also have friends who did it the other way around.”
“But you don’t think you’re ever going to sleep with a man?”
She laughed again, shaking her head. “I think if it was going to happen, it’d have happened by now, don’t you?”
“I guess it would.” I drank my coffee, picking up Rachel’s hand and kissing it. “I wish I had a private space like this, just for us.” I gazed at her. “I’m glad we’re giving this a while to get used to.”
Rachel smiled at me. “Whatever you need.” She paused. “Just so long as there’s no hiding. I know you said your family would be okay, but what about friends? If this develops between us, they’re going to have to know. Because whatever you want to happen, it’s never just the two of us — we don’t live in that world. There’s always someone else, be it friends, family or fans of the channel.”
I nodded. “I know that. But right now, I love it’s just you, me, and this thing between us that’s so powerful.”
Rachel’s smile was slow and sure. “It’s something alright,” she said, drawing me to her. I got up and my lips were inches from hers when there was a banging on the front door.
I jumped back, startled. “What the fuck?”
Rachel hopped up. “You wanna get that? If it’s Tanya back early, they can have some paella.”
I frowned, calculating the time. “Too early for them, surely?”
I crossed the flat and opened the door with a grin on my face.
When I saw who it was, I froze.
Chapter 24
“Good morning, lover girl.” There was an edge to Jake’s voice I’d never heard before. His eyes were bloodshot, narrowed, and he looked… wild. Like I’d never seen him look before in our entire time together.
He almost spat the words into my face.
I surmised he’d seen the video.
“Jake,” I began, but he just gave me a look and walked into the flat, sweeping me aside.
Every muscle in my body tightened, as if being twisted by a professional.
He walked into the living space, with me rushing in behind him.
“Cooking already?”
I could see Rachel wasn’t sure what to do either, as she stopped mid-stir. “Hi, Jake.”
He sneered at Rachel, then me. “Very nice,” he said, gesturing with his hands. “Very Sunday morning after laughing it up about me all night no doubt. In between shagging. I hope you had a good laugh at my expense.”
I tried to shuffle my thoughts, get them in order, but it was a hopeless task.
“It’s not what it seems.” My heart was pounding in my chest, but this time, fear, not desire, was its driving force. “I’ve been trying to get hold of you — I left a bazillion messages.”
“I know, I heard them. Each one a little more desperate, a little more guilty than the last.” He looked from me to Rachel, not quite sure where to plant his gaze. “But I just need to know — how long has this been going on?”
He was talking to me, now. “Because I thought our relationship — even if it is just business now, but we were a couple not so long ago — would have meant I’d get the courtesy of a heads-up on this, but apparently not.”
He shook his head, sucking in a breath. “I mean, how could you?” His face was red as he looked at the ground, then back
up at us, his eyes sparkling with tears.
I hated that I’d hurt him. Absolutely hated myself.
“When exactly were you going to tell me?” His voice had gone up a notch, and I stepped forward, going into damage control mode.
I reached out, remembering too late I couldn’t do that anymore. I’d forfeited the right a few weeks ago.
“Jake, it’s not what you think.”
He shrugged off my arm. “Isn’t it?” He was shouting now, his eyes wild. “Or is it exactly what I think? Because if you’re not having an affair, if you’re not sleeping together, just correct me, go ahead.”
He stared at me, then Rachel, and we both dropped our gazes to the floor. I couldn’t say anything because I didn’t want to deny the truth. And over the past 24 hours, the truth had cemented itself into my soul. Into every part of my being. And it was so very scary.
I wasn’t anywhere near straight, I knew that now.
He let out a breath. “I didn’t think so. So thanks a fucking bunch for letting me find out by editing our video. Editing our own video, Alice. On the channel we work on. Together. As a unit.” He shook his head. “What a dumb, trusting idiot I am.”
I stepped forward, shaking my head. “You’re not, Jake, you’re anything but that. And I’m so very sorry you had to find out like this.”
He scoffed. “I know we’ve split up, but spare me by claiming this happened after we broke up. None of it made any sense to me, Alice, none of it. We were good together, great even. And then one day you run off telling me it’s you. What does that even mean? But it wasn’t just you, was it? It was her, too!”
The look he gave Rachel, all daggers and glint, killed me. This wasn’t her fault, none of it was.
“Just listen, Jake,” Rachel said.
“I don’t want to listen to you, to either of you!”
His volume stopped me in my tracks, and for a moment, the flat was silent, just the sharpness of his tone slicing through the air, and Delilah’s barking as she came in from the balcony to see what all the fuss was about.
I bent down to pet her, looking up at Jake. “You’re scaring the dog,” I said. “And you’re scaring me.”
“Poor fucking you.” I’d never seen him like this, ever.
“Hey!” Rachel said, scooping up Delilah and going back to the kitchen. “Nothing happened while you two were together, Jake.”
“She’s right,” I added, walking towards him.
He took a step back.
I stopped walking, keeping his attention. I took a deep breath, just saying what was in my heart.
“That’s why I split up with you, because I didn’t want to cheat on you. And before you go blaming Rachel, she had no idea until I told her how I was feeling two weeks ago.” My heartbeat was calming down, but it was still thudding in my ears. “Nobody was laughing at you, and I’ve been trying to get hold of you ever since you left.”
“And I’m meant to believe that?” He flipped his palms to the ceiling, his eyes wide.
“It’s true!” But even though it was, I still sounded like I was lying. Guilty by omission.
“But we were together, Alice. We talked. I thought you would have at least had the courtesy to tell me why you were leaving. It would have made more sense to me.”
I shook my head. This was so hard to explain. “I thought so, too, but it was too overwhelming even for me, Jake. I couldn’t talk to you, I couldn’t talk to anyone because I didn’t know what I was feeling, what was going on.”
“But we had good sex, we were in love.” His voice cracked at the end.
Oh god, this was horrible.
“We did, and we were.” Now wasn’t the time to tell the whole truth. “And you were a great boyfriend. But things changed and it was out of my control. I couldn’t help how I was feeling and you don’t know the times I wanted to feel different, I wanted to want you like I did in the beginning.”
I glanced at Rachel, sensing her shoulders tense. She gave me a look of understanding, shaking her head, Delilah in her arms.
“But you just couldn’t help yourself? You were out of control? I can’t imagine it, Alice, you were always so in control with me.” His eyes were searching mine, and I didn’t know what they were looking for. I didn’t know what he wanted me to say, I just knew I didn’t have the answers he wanted.
I never had.
“And it’s about trust, Alice. I trusted you with my heart, and you trampled it. I gave you everything I had, and you threw it in my face. If this was really you, you should have told me!”
“And you’d have listened? Taken it in your stride?” I threw my hands in the air, my temperature rising. “What, Jake, tell me?”
He glared at me, his body shaking.
“I thought we were going to be adults about this, not scream at each other.” I got the irony of screaming that line.
His face reddened and he did a little hop on the spot.
And just at that moment, as Jake extended his arm and pointed his index finger at me, I heard a key in the front door and we all turned as one to see Tanya and Sophie walk into the living space. Into this scene.
“That was before you fucked my co-star behind my back!” Jake screamed, ignoring them. “That was before you trashed everything we had — our friendship, our trust, our time together, like it meant nothing. Nothing at all!”
Delilah began to bark, racing over to greet her owners.
Tanya scooped her up, looking from Jake to me, wincing. “What’s going on?”
I turned to Rachel, who shook her head, ushering Tanya and Sophie into the kitchen area with her.
Leaving Jake and I, centre stage, to carry on where we left off.
Jake wasted no time. “You don’t respect me, you never even loved me. Were you looking at every woman while we were out? Were you thinking about other women while I fucked you?”
“Enough, Jake! That’s enough! And of course I wasn’t.” I put my palms on my thighs, drawing in a breath before looking up. “This isn’t about you. It’s not even about me or Rachel — and like I said, please don’t blame her, I went to her with this, this is on me.”
“She had a part to play, or am I wrong?”
“Yes, but only when I told her how I felt. And I was free to do that, by the way, because we’ve been split up for over a month now. I can do what I like, and yes I agree with you, we should have told you, and for that I’m so very sorry.”
I was sinking, drowning, but I had to get this out, let him know.
“These past few months have been so scary, so lonely, and I desperately wanted us to work. But I couldn’t do it anymore when I realised I liked Rachel. That I really liked Rachel.” I glanced over at her, and she was biting her lip, hands on the counter, not taking her eyes off me. She nodded her head barely perceptibly, and I swallowed down, hard.
“And I knew then, I couldn’t carry on with you — or with anyone — without giving this a shot.” I dropped my head, chest heaving. “And do you think any of this has been easy? Do you think walking away from a future that’s expected and assured, from you who everyone loved, was easy? None of it was! But I couldn’t ignore it, this intangible feeling, this thing that was bigger than me, you, Rachel, everyone. I had to know. And to do that, I had to break your heart, and that was horrible. And I couldn’t even tell you why.”
I drew in a huge breath, sinking to the floor, no longer able to hold my own body weight, and Jake did the same. “I wanted to love you, Jake, and a part of me always will, but it was never going to work. It was kinder to let you go.”
He shook his head, breathing heavily, then put his head in his hands. “Did I misread everything? Were you always gay?”
I shook as I spoke, my whole body humming with friction. “I don’t know. Maybe.” I raised my head again. “Just know, I never wanted to hurt you. I loved you, and I’m sorry about everything. The video, us, everything.”
He looked up, tears running down his face, sniffing and wiping his han
d across his face.
Despite all his words, his hurt was still my fault, even if I’d had no real control over it.
“I’m sorry, too. I’ll stop shouting now. It’s just, seeing that video, it pushed my buttons.”
“I understand.” Wetness on my face alerted me to the fact I was crying now, too. Before I knew it, Rachel’s bare legs were in front of me, and a tissue was being waggled under my nose. I took it gratefully, looking up, aware I must have been a sight.
But Rachel just smiled, then gave Jake a tissue.
This wasn’t what I’d had in mind when I woke up this morning. But at least it was all out in the open now. There was that, at least.
“Jake,” Rachel said, clearing her throat.
He looked up at her, defeated.
“I just want to say sorry, too. We should have told you, but nothing happened until this weekend.”
Jake winced, and so did I.
“But we shouldn’t have let you walk off with the recording when we knew what was on there. And then we should have warned you.” She paused. “I hope we can work this out as friends, and keep the channel going.”
He sighed, pushing himself up, standing up finally. His jeans were new, I didn’t recognise them. As time went on, I guessed that would happen more often. Our lives weren’t together anymore.
“Let’s see what happens,” he replied, running a hand through his hair. “But I don’t want to throw away everything we’ve worked for either. Not when we’ve just got going.”
Rachel breathed out. “Great.” They stood looking at each other, like a living game of chess. Nobody was quite sure whose move it was, and we were all too wrung out to care.
In the kitchen, Tanya cleared her throat. “Erm, everyone.” I turned my head. She sounded weird. “I think you should look at this. I’m guessing you’re fighting about the video?”
I nodded, my heart sinking, but then looked up. How did Tanya know?
She held up her phone. “I’m not sure how or why this has happened, but your latest video is going bananas. I’ve got you on subscription and the upload came up when we were driving home, and the comments are going ballistic.” She paused. “You might want to take a look at what happens at around 41m 28 seconds, it says.” She winced. “Apparently it involves you two sucking each other’s faces off.”
