The London of Us

by Clare Lydon

  I stared at Tanya, trying to compute what she was saying.

  Wait, what was she saying?

  Rachel’s voice was next. “Jake? Did you come round here, chew us out, and all the while you’d uploaded the damn video to YouTube? What the fuck are you playing at?”

  There was a standoff in my head as I weighed up what was happening. Jake wouldn’t do that, would he? Then again, he probably thought the same when he saw the video. But upload it on purpose? Hurting me, threatening the business? Out of spite?

  Jake’s mouth was dropping open now, and he was running over to Tanya, grabbing her phone. He watched, stared, and then began to jiggle on the spot, his curls bouncing. He had that wild look again.

  “I didn’t! I wouldn’t do that! I edited it, cut the kissing out and uploaded the real one.” He paused, snagging his fingers in his hair. “Although I was obviously a bit distracted.”

  “Distracted?” Rachel said, her voice blowing smoke. “There’s distracted and there’s distracted!” She twisted to Tanya. “Have you got your laptop handy?”

  Tanya nodded and skidded into her room, coming out with it held high. She switched it on, put it on the oval wooden dining table by the window and we all gathered around.

  Rachel hit play on the latest episode, gave me a look I couldn’t quite decipher, and then scrolled to the end of the episode.

  And there we were, talking, washing up, laughing, and then we got closer, then closer still… and I had to look away.

  Because we were kissing on screen.

  Full-on bloody kissing.

  There was a ringing in my ears, or was it coming from outside? I couldn’t be sure.

  Rachel looked away too, glancing at me as she did.

  Our gazes caught and the horror of it, the enormity sunk in. The whole world being privy to such a private moment — our moment — was far worse than I could have ever imagined. I’d wanted to keep this quiet, get used to it, but now it was trashed, ruined.

  Perhaps just like our channel. Just like my relationship with Jake. And what about my relationship with Rachel? My relationships with everyone in my life? They’d all think I was a liar and a cheat who’d been hiding this from them.

  Was everything ruined before it had even begun?

  Jake stopped the recording and closed his eyes. “I can’t fucking believe it — I didn’t do this on purpose, you have to believe me.”

  “It’s kinda hard to,” Rachel replied, shaking her head.

  “I know, but I didn’t.” He put both his hands in his hair and took a deep breath. Then he walked to the sofas, swearing, then back to us.

  Rachel was leaning down again, hand back on the touchpad. “Oh fuck, the comments are blowing up—”

  “—surprise,” I said. “If you were after a ratings boost, well done Jake, you achieved it. At the expense of your two co-stars, but really, well done.” My voice was dripping with sarcasm. My turn to stare at my ex with murderous intent.

  I was pretty sure most people’s coming-out stories did not follow this trajectory.

  “I didn’t do it on purpose!” His face was so red it was almost purple.

  “You know what, I’m fed up of you screaming at us today,” Rachel said, her face now rock-hard, set in stone. “If you want to do something useful, go home and take this shit down right now!” She shook her head. “It’s already our most downloaded episode. And there was me thinking people came for the food.”

  Jake’s phone buzzed. He took it out of his pocket and put a hand to his head. “Fuck!”

  “What now?” I said.

  He shook his head. “Nothing. Just my sister.” He cast his gaze down. “I hadn’t told her we’d split up yet.”

  “We’ve been split up for weeks!”

  He shook his head. “I know.”

  I’d had enough of him today — I’d had enough of it all.

  Having woken up this morning so happy, now I just wanted to go back to bed and pretend it was all a bad dream. A very bad dream.

  “Just go, Jake, sort this out.”

  He nodded. “I will. And I’m sorry.” He paused. “I wouldn’t do this to the channel or to either of you. I’ll fix it.” He gave me a final look, then slipped out, slamming the door shut behind him.

  But even I knew he couldn’t fix this.

  Chapter 25

  Tanya cleared her throat, then scratched her head, before glancing at Sophie. “We’re going to take a coffee onto the balcony and shut the door, give you some space,” she said, walking over and punching some buttons on the machine. “I know this is a lot to take in, but I don’t think Jake did it on purpose — he was just upset and not paying attention. And it might do your channel some good, get you some attention.”

  “There’s no such thing as bad publicity,” Sophie chimed in, putting the second mug under the machine.

  “I’m not sure you’d be saying that if the video of the first woman you’d ever kissed was getting shared and commented on from all over the world.”

  Sophie tensed her cheeks, then shook her head. “Perhaps not.”

  “No, I didn’t think so. Not if you had to face your employer and explain it. If the governors see it, I might lose my job.”

  Sophie winced. “I didn’t think about that.”

  Tanya took her hand and they shut the door as they walked out, taking Delilah with them.

  Then there was just Rachel and I, our breath jagged, a mass of bones and expressions that didn’t quite fit our skin anymore.

  The room smelt of paella, which just made things more surreal, and the sunlight was beaming in like a spaceship had just landed. My stomach rumbled, but I’d lost my appetite.

  I sank down on Tanya’s white sofa, shaking my head. Then I got out my phone from my back pocket, and saw I had a missed call from Sabrina, along with another from my boss, and about ten text messages from various friends. I didn’t need to click on them to know what they were about. Everybody wanted to talk about the fact I was now a lesbian.

  When I just wanted to curl up into a ball and be spirited away.

  How could something so right and so personal suddenly become so wrong and so public?

  I put my phone back into my bag and glanced up at Rachel, leaning against the kitchen island, her face blank. She was shellshocked, still taking it all in. My heart went out to her.

  I wanted to say so much, but I was still shaking.

  I stood up, stuffing my hands into the pockets of my blue shorts, staring at Sophie and Tanya outside.

  There were too many people in this flat, and there were too many people in the world currently watching me kiss Rachel. That fact scratched at my skin, never letting me forget it.

  I didn’t know if I was strong enough for this after all. Yes, Rachel and I were off the scale sexually. But was that enough? Was it enough for all the stares, all the pointing, all the living your life out and proud?

  This had floored me. I was ready to do this step by step, but bursting out into the world with almost a sex tape?

  The room was suddenly too small, and I spun around, looking for my stuff. I had to get out of here, I needed some air.

  Everyone knew everything about me and this was too much.

  Rachel intercepted me, snagging my arm gently as I walked past.

  I gulped, then brought my eyes level with hers.

  “Talk to me, Alice. This doesn’t change anything. This is still me and you, everything you felt earlier is still valid.”

  I shook my head. It’s not how it felt. “It changes everything! You know I wanted to take this slowly, and now, everyone knows it all. I feel exposed.”

  Rachel held my chin with her hand.

  Her touch almost made my knees buckle under me.

  “I don’t get it.” Her voice was soft. “Yes, this is a shit thing to happen, but we’ll deal with it together and we’ll get over it.”

  “What if it’s ruined the channel?”

  Rachel’s gaze drilled into me. “The cha
nnel’s not the most important thing here.”

  I wobbled again. “But everyone knows about us and about me.” I took a step back, shaking my head. “They know I kissed a girl — and I’m still getting used to it. You’ve had 30 years to get used to this, I’ve had 24 hours.”

  Rachel took her arm away and folded them across her chest, hugging herself tight.

  “It doesn’t normally go like this, you know.” She blew out a breath, a raspberry sound escaping her lips. “I mean, I’ve gone out with a number of women before, and never once have any of our kisses been broadcast on YouTube. I’m not normally a commodity. But we weren’t accounting for fame, however small ours is, were we?”

  I shook my head. No, we really hadn’t.

  And now, some of the most personal parts of my life — and one of the very newest and most precious — was online for everyone to see.

  Including my family, my colleagues, my friends and my students. Everyone I’d ever met in the past and everyone in my future. And yes, we could take it down, but these things lived on — I wasn’t naive enough to think that would be the end of it.

  Maybe I’d bitten off more than I could chew.

  “I need some space to think about this, work out how to handle it.” Perhaps if I went home, I’d get some clarity.

  “I thought we’d handle it together?” Rachel was sounding perplexed, along with a little confused and hurt.

  I didn’t blame her, but I just wanted to sprint as far away as I could from this.

  “I can’t think right now, I just need to get some air. I’m going to go home, call Jake, make sure it’s taken down and then I’ll call you later, okay?”

  She looked at me, trying to work me out.

  Only, she couldn’t, not yet.

  “Don’t run away from this, Alice. Remember what we said this morning? We’re good together, and this isn’t something you did lightly. Yes, this is a setback, but we’ll get over it, and we could even use this to our advantage in time.”

  “Don’t you start talking about us lezzing it up being good for the channel.” I put ‘lezzing it up’ in finger quotes.

  “I don’t know what will happen with the channel, but I have to think positively. But whatever happens with that, it’s not just us anymore. Everybody knows. You have to be comfortable with that.”

  “I am comfortable with it.” Lies, all lies.

  “From where I’m standing, it really doesn’t look that way.” She paused. “You said this morning you were, that it wasn’t just a phase, but that’s not the way you’re acting. You’re not strong enough for this? What does that even mean?”

  I got up and walked to the window, hugging my body. I wanted to pretend today had never happened. Only, that wasn’t completely true because that would erase this morning with Rachel, and I never wanted to erase us.

  However, today’s rude unveiling on YouTube had exposed me and us in ways I never thought possible.

  Now, my discomfort was on show for everyone to see, especially Rachel.

  I turned, still clutching myself, not feeling confident enough to let go.

  “I need to go home.” I bit my lip. “I’ll text you, okay?”

  Rachel’s features slumped, just like her body.

  “Your call.” She shrugged, like it didn’t matter at all, before tensing up again. “I know this is big, but it will calm down. And then you’re just left with your own life, and you need to decide what you want to do with it: live it the way you want, or retreat into your shell like before. We’ve only just begun, don’t forget that.”

  My thoughts spun in my head like a roulette wheel, round and round. I clenched my fists in my shorts’ pockets, my knuckles hard against the fabric. I had so much to say to her, but I couldn’t form a single sentence.

  Instead, I gave her a final stare, before shaking my head and walking to get my stuff from the bedroom.

  Chapter 26

  “Afternoon darling, I didn’t expect you back!” Mum was chirpy today, her hands covered in soil. Since they’d moved back into the metropolis, she’d turned into a keen gardener, proclaiming the balcony garden the perfect size for retirement.

  “You and me both.” I knew I looked a mess.

  Mum narrowed her eyes. “Everything go okay last night? You don’t look like someone who was meeting the woman of their dreams for dinner.”

  I dumped my bag on the stone kitchen floor and sat at the breakfast bar, knitting my hands together on the counter. “Well, the first part was pretty magical.” I blushed. “But since then, there’s been a fly in the ointment.”

  That was the understatement of the century.

  Mum gave me a look, before washing her hands in the sink, turning her head over her shoulder as she did. “I’m listening.”

  And so, while she dried her hands on a bright pink tea towel, I told her the full story.

  As the words tumbled out of my mouth, Mum’s shoulders tensed; when she turned to face me, wringing her hands together, her face was pale.

  “So it’s on the internet now? You and her kissing?” Her voice was brittle, as if it might snap at any minute.

  I nodded, the wind knocked out of me. I’d been trying to talk myself round on the way home, but seeing Mum’s reaction only cemented my initial feelings: this wasn’t something I could just laugh off.

  “Oh my,” Mum said, before walking over to the kettle and filling it up. The sound of the water filled the air, and I didn’t know what to say next. Was her reaction because I was kissing a woman, or just because the video had been uploaded?

  I closed my eyes as I heard the kettle switch being flicked. This show going online was testing every area of my life and I wasn’t sure of any of the outcomes: Rachel, my family, my friends, my job. It had all seemed so easy when I was in her arms, but now, not so much.

  When I looked over at her, Mum was still frowning. “Can you get it taken down?”

  I clenched, then unclenched my fists. “Jake was going to do that when he left us.”

  Mum’s face contorted. “Has he seen it? Oh god, what must he think?”

  “That I was having an affair behind his back the whole time with his co-star and business partner?”

  Mum winced. “Yes, that’s exactly how he’d see it.”

  I nodded. “But hopefully, he can sort it out.”

  “I’m sure he’ll do everything he can. He’s a good boy, that one.”

  Something went off in my head. “Can you stop saying how wonderful Jake is all the time? I know he’s lovely, but I’m not with him anymore and I don’t love him. I love Rachel, and I don’t know how that’s going to pan out after all this.” I let out a small sob, but no tears came: I was all cried out for now.

  And I’d just told my mum I loved Rachel? I hadn’t even told myself that before now.

  I was in love with Rachel and I’d just walked away from her because I was scared. My timing was impeccable.

  “I don’t need to hear any more about Jake, Mum. It’s his fault this is on the internet in the first place.”

  I sniffed, wiping the bottom of my nose with my bare hand. Attractive.

  I took a deep breath, clutching my hand in front of my chest. “I need you to support me, and that means supporting me and Rachel as a couple.” I paused, gathering my strength again. “That is, if we still are a couple.”

  And then the tears returned and I collapsed in a heap of sobs, my body convulsing. The next thing I knew were my mum’s arms around me, holding me tight, along with a shushing sound in my ear.

  “I’ll always support you, you know that,” she said, her voice not as shrill as it had been.

  “I hope so,” I replied, sniffing.

  She squeezed me tighter. “Of course I will.” She paused. “It’s just… this is all so new, so different. One day you announce you like a woman, the next you’re kissing her online. It’s all happening at such a fast pace.”

  I let out a strangled noise. “You’re telling me.” I untangled myse
lf from her and grabbed a tissue from the box on the counter. “I slept with her last night and it was…” I shook my head. “It was just incredible.” I let out a long sigh. “But now this, and Jake is so mad, and Rachel and I had a fight, and I don’t know what I’m doing or how I’m feeling.” I shook my head again. “It’s such a huge mess.”

  Mum stepped back, and then went to the fridge, pulling out a bottle of Chablis. She got two glasses from the cupboard above the microwave and poured me one.

  “Drink?” She held it out to me.

  “It can’t hurt.”

  Unlike Rachel and Jake, who’d undoubtedly been hurt by me.

  And then I thought about Rachel, telling me not to walk away from this just because I’d stepped on a grenade. But when that happened, surely you needed some time to convalesce, to work out what to do next?

  Mum climbed onto one of the breakfast bar stools and I followed suit.

  “I know what’s happened today is horrid, but you’ll survive and grow from it.” Mum was puffing out her chest, getting over herself to try to help me in my time of need. I appreciated it.

  “Or it might blow my life apart.” I took a gulp of wine as a full stop to my sentence.

  “You’re being dramatic.”

  “Aren’t I allowed to be?”

  She let that one go with a curt nod. “For now, but not forever. I’m sure Rachel will be fine, and the show will be okay, too. You just need to give it a little time.”

  “You haven’t seen the video.”

  She shook her head, a cloud passing over her again. “And I don’t intend to,” she said. “But you have to work the show thing out with Jake and Rachel, and then work the rest out with Rachel. They’re tied up, but they are independent, too.”

  “But what if I’m not strong enough to cope? If I’d been caught kissing a bloke on camera, nobody would have blinked, would they?”

  “They would if it wasn’t your boyfriend.”

  “But not as much. Which makes me wonder — am I ready for this? Ready to be gay and open myself up to such public scrutiny? It’s a big change.”