by Clare Lydon
Mum frowned then. “You just told me you’re in love with Rachel. Is that true?”
I sighed, thinking about her. About how incredible last night had been. What an amazing person she was. How her touch, her voice, her mere presence in a room lit me up. If that wasn’t love, I didn’t know what was.
I choked up again, nodding.
“Darling, look at me.”
I turned my head as she put a hand on mine. “You can’t help who you fall in love with, because love doesn’t always make sense. If you’ve fallen in love with Rachel, then don’t walk away. Love is worth pursuing, worth fighting for.”
“But what if I’m not gay? What if I’m throwing away everything and it all blows up in my face?”
“That horse has already bolted I think,” Mum said. “I can’t predict the future, and neither can you. What I can tell you is that you and Jake wouldn’t have lasted because you didn’t love him. But if you love Rachel, you’ve got every chance of making it work.”
“You’re okay with me being in love with a woman?”
“It doesn’t matter what I think, it matters what you think.” She paused, staring at me. “Are you okay being in love with a woman?”
“I’m okay being in love with Rachel.” And I was. In all the commotion, I’d forgotten that.
I was still overwhelmed, but maybe in time, I wouldn’t be. Maybe, in time, I could get used to this.
“That’s all you need to know. You’ve fallen in love, embrace that. It’s a special thing.” Mum hugged me. “Give yourself a little time, but tell Rachel what’s happening, because she’s going to be upset, too.”
Rachel texted me that night, asking how I was. When I got the text, I wanted to crawl through the phone and settle in her arms, but I knew I couldn’t. That wouldn’t be fair.
I texted back telling her I needed space, that I’d be in touch with her soon. I also asked her not to give up on me.
In her shoes, I’m not sure what I would have thought, but it wouldn’t have been positive. However, I owed it to myself and her to sort my head out before I spoke to her again. If I tried to do it tonight, it would just end in bemusement and tears.
I’d had enough tears for one day, so I wanted to avoid that at all costs.
I’d tried to watch TV, but my mind just kept drifting. I’d been ignoring my phone and the internet at all costs, although I had texted Jake to check the show had been replaced, and he’d assured me it had.
I lay back down on my king-sized bed and covered my face with my hand. I hoped the channel would survive, that this wouldn’t cause it too much harm. And like Jake had said, it might even give it the boost it needed. Wouldn’t that be ironic?
I was still in two minds about carrying on with the show, as it would forever involve Jake. It was like we’d got divorced, but the show was our child, forever tethering us both together. Did I care enough not to give him full custody and wipe my hands of it? If it was down to me, I’d be tempted to walk away. But it wasn’t just down to me; this involved Rachel, too.
And where Rachel was concerned, I was treading carefully. I still had no idea how we — if there still was a we — would fare in the end.
Chapter 27
To stop me wallowing, the following week I hunkered down in my parents’ spare room and painted, throwing myself into creativity. It’d always been there as a way out of my issues before, and I enjoyed the methodical nature of it — coming up with an image, laying the foundations, then layering over and over. It was helping me work out my feelings, too, which was my initial goal.
My mum had given up trying to talk to me, and was now tip-toeing around me, waiting for me to come to her. I knew it was taking a supreme effort on her part, and I appreciated it. I was still avoiding the internet and my phone, still trying to grapple with how I felt.
Only on Wednesday did I feel I was getting it kinda straight in my head. So to speak.
I was 95 per cent sure I wanted it all: Rachel, the channel, Jake’s friendship, all of it.
I’d only been without it all for a few days, but already the ache of its absence was a part of me.
Getting a call from my boss to tell me not to worry also helped. He’d made light of the show, telling me the kids would be nothing but impressed, also letting me know that he didn’t care a jot. “Last time I checked, it wasn’t a crime to kiss a woman.”
I’d smiled at that. He had a point.
The only crime I’d committed was a crime of the heart.
On Thursday, I walked to Trafalgar Square, watching the tourists feed the pigeons. I spent the afternoon in the National Gallery and the Portrait Gallery, breathing in the art, hoping it could refresh my spirit.
Did these artists suffer personal setbacks, but still paint on, literally and metaphorically? I was sure they had. The question was, could I? I hoped so, and I felt I was getting stronger by the day.
After the galleries, I had lunch at the top floor of John Lewis, eating scones with jam and cream while staring out over the rooftops of London, a patchwork of black, grey and glass under clear blue skies. Then I fought my way through the shoppers on Oxford Street, past the stands selling sweet-smelling biscuits, via Marylebone High Street with its boutiques and posh restaurants, ending up at Regent’s Park. Once there, I walked to the lake, then stared up at Primrose Hill in the distance, wobbling side to side in the afternoon heat.
Standing on top of that hill with Rachel, kissing her lips, and experiencing our electricity for the very first time seemed like such a long time ago, another life. But it had happened.
I could still feel the imprint of her lips on mine as I touched my fingers to my lips. My spine tingled as I had total recall of kissing her, of staring down at where I was standing, thinking this was now the London of us.
Every fibre of my being hoped there was still an us. Otherwise, there couldn’t be a London of us, could there? Something tugged in my stomach as my thoughts rolled through me. If there was to be a London of us, it was up to me to make it happen.
I strolled past the kidney-shaped boating lake, full of screaming kids and loose oars; dodged a barrage of Canadian geese roaming the paths like baseball-bat wielding thugs; and was just nearing the stone-pillared entrance nearest to Baker Street tube when I heard my name being called out.
I turned — and that’s when I saw Meg waving at me.
I couldn’t help but smile. Meg was Tanya’s ex, and hands-down the ex I’d loved the most. Throughout their relationship, I’d always loved hanging out with her, and I was beyond glad she and Tanya were friends again, which meant I could stop and say hello at times like this.
She was sitting alone, sandwich in hand, her giant belly prominent in front of her. She was also patting the bench beside her.
I couldn’t say no to a pregnant woman, could I?
“What are you doing here?” My black bag banged on the bench as I sat down.
Meg gave me an awkward, I’m-a-bit-too-pregnant-for-this-but-I’m-still-going-to-do-it hug. “Don’t you start, like pregnant women can’t move around,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I’m meeting Jamie in a bit to see some houses he’s interested in. Mum’s barred me from the shop and I’m going bonkers at home, so I convinced Jamie to take pity on me and take me out.”
Jamie was Meg’s brother and also a property developer.
“And what does Kate think about you running around the city when you’re due in a week?”
Kate was Meg’s wife and I already knew the answer.
She shook her head, her blonde hair super-styled, her skin glowing. And even though she was so pregnant, it didn’t stop Meg having that easy-going demeanour that had so drawn me to her when we’d first met. I wondered now if I hadn’t had a slight crush on her back then. Thinking about it, I probably had.
“You know, people are beginning to treat me like I have some rare disease rather than being in the latter stages of pregnancy,” she said. “I know my own mind, and if I go into labour, I’ll get to a
hospital.” She paused. “Anyway, let’s not talk about me or the baby, because it’s all anyone talks about. Let’s talk about you and what’s going on in your life. How’s Jake?”
My face dropped. “You are out of touch with my life, aren’t you?”
Meg sat up at that. “Am I?” She gave me a quizzical look. “That sounds ominous, so fill me in.”
I did just that. And with every passing sentence, Meg’s expression grew a little more boggled, until I brought her up to the weekend that had just gone, and how I’d slept with Rachel, and now I was a YouTube kissing star.
When she heard that, she leaned across and squeezed my knee. “Alice, you dark horse. There was me thinking Tanya’s jokes about you being gay were ridiculous, and it was true all along!”
I smiled. “I’ve already told Tanya this is her fault.”
“Let me guess, she’s happy to take the blame?”
“She was, until I bolted, so now she’s caught in the middle. Rachel is Sophie’s best friend, you see.”
“Ah,” Meg said.
“Yes, ah. So Tanya wants to help me but she also doesn’t want me to hurt Rachel, and it’s not what I want to do, either. But even today, I was wondering who was watching me or taking photos of me.” I glanced around the park. “I mean, somebody could be taking pictures of us and posting them in the YouTube comments right now.”
Meg smiled. “Imagine that — one day you’re captured kissing Rachel, the next, you’re with some other woman who’s knocked up.”
I grimaced. “The comments would be off the chart.”
“I dread to think,” Meg replied. “But this is a big thing — you dumping Jake for a woman. I imagine you’re all over the place, especially with everything that’s happened since.”
I nodded. “You’re not wrong.”
She rubbed her stomach, frowning.
“You’re not about to go into labour, are you?” I could cope, but I’d rather not.
She shook her head. “No, but the baby keeps kicking and he or she is so big now, it’s getting a bit uncomfortable.” She grimaced. “Anyway, back to you.” She stared at me. “So why did you run away?”
I sighed. “It’s just, this is not easy. One minute I’m straight, the next I’ve got all these feelings swarming around me, then when I act on them, it’s suddenly all over the internet and very public. That’s what’s got me. It’s so huge anyway, I don’t need an audience. It seems a little unfair.”
Meg regarded me for a few moments. “But your relationship with Jake was part of the channel, and you were okay having an audience for that.”
“But that was different because we’d been together for a while, we were established. And I wasn’t likely to get caught on camera snogging Jake because, well… We were far beyond the stage of snogging like that.” I paused. “Come to think of it, I don’t think we ever snogged like that.”
Meg raised an eyebrow. “And maybe that’s the point.” She sipped her coffee. “Are you running from this because of its power, or because everyone’s seen you? Are you scared of the power of this love — or whatever it is — or what people are going to think of you kissing a woman?” She wriggled again, trying to get comfortable.
Was I scared? Hell, yes. I was terrified. “I’m not ashamed, if that’s what you’re asking. I just wanted this to be us for a while — at least 24 hours. Not much to ask. But now it’s out there — and I mean really out there — and I don’t want to do this in public. I need some time to get used to it, to me, to the two of us.”
Emotion bubbled up inside me and I knew my eyes were brimming with tears. I gulped, swallowing down my feelings, closing my eyes.
When I opened them, Meg was struggling to her feet, putting her arms around me, her bump hitting me in the nose. The absurdity of the situation released some of my tension and I laughed, Meg’s baby crushing my face.
“Oh Alice, you’re going to be fine. If nothing else, you’ve got a massive lesbian network to fall back on. We’ve all been through this, only perhaps not in exactly the same way.” She squeezed my cheek with her thumb and index finger, before sitting down again with a small groan.
“But things will die down. People are excited to see the start of something that looks so good — and you both do look so good on screen — amazing chemistry and now I know why.”
I felt my cheeks colour. Amazing chemistry on-screen and off.
“Doesn’t the fact we’re online and two women mean it’s less likely to die down, though?” I sniffed, fishing a tissue out of my bag to blow my nose.
She smiled at that. “It ups the ante, but soon you’ll just be another couple, blending into the background. So don’t worry about the unwanted attention, that will go away. The real point is, how does she make you feel? I mean, the whole hoopla has kinda overshadowed the fact you met someone and you’ve fallen for them. Hard.”
I nodded. It really had. “I have fallen for her. And sleeping with her was incredible. I don’t have the words to describe how amazing it was.”
Meg reached over and squeezed my hand. “If you could just see your face when you said that — it was like the sun had come out. You need to focus on that.” She paused. “I remember my first time and how I felt afterwards. Changed.” She paused. “I’m guessing it was the same for you?”
A wave of bliss ran through me when I thought about Rachel and I in bed. “It was life-changing and I told her that. I’ve never had sex like it before, ever.” And then I felt ridiculous, telling another lesbian that. Because, they all knew, didn’t they? It was like they’d been hiding this huge secret the whole time, and the only way you were going to know about it was to try it yourself.
“Yeah, I get that,” Meg said. “Try having it when you’re pregnant.”
I raised an eyebrow at that. “One step at a time.”
She laughed. “I wasn’t talking about you,” she said. “Pregnancy is making me so horny lately, and Kate’s being the perfect wife. The only thing is, lately, every time I come, I kinda think the baby’s going to pop out, too.”
I let out a yelp of laughter; I hadn’t done that in a few days. It felt good. “Now there’s an image.”
Meg grinned, taking my hand. “It’s so good to see you, you know that?”
I smiled at her. “You, too. We should do it more often, now we’re allowed.”
“We should!” Meg said. “Tell me, is Rachel as lovely as she seems on-screen?”
“She’s all that and more.”
“So don’t run away because you think you can’t cope or you think this isn’t for you. I can already see from your face that you’re smitten, so you owe it to yourself and Rachel to give it a chance at least. Then if she’s not the person for you, at least you tried.”
“But what if I’m not a good enough lesbian? What if I’m not even a lesbian at all? Will you still talk to me?”
Meg furrowed her brow. “Now you’re just being silly — there’s no such thing as a ‘good enough’ lesbian. We were friends when you were straight, weren’t we?”
I nodded.
“Even when you were going out with that terrible bloke — what was his name?”
“Ian.”
Meg shuddered. “Yes, Ian the mansplainer.”
I laughed. “Going out is stretching it. We had a few dates.”
“It was long enough, believe me. The point is — we love you for you, Alice, not who you’re sleeping with. You have good taste generally — Jake was lovely, Zach was lovely, and I’m sure Rachel is, too. Stop worrying about what other people think and do this for you. And most of all, stop trying to find excuses. It’s your life, and you’re the only one who’s living it. Do you want to see Rachel again?”
Warmth flooded my body, and I nodded. “Of course I do, but it doesn’t stop what’s happened, or me coming to it with so much baggage. She might not want to take on all my uncertainty, and I wouldn’t blame her.”
Meg reached over and put a hand on my knee, her eyes full of kin
dness. “Frankly, fuck the baggage — you’re a strong woman, you can deal with it and I’m sure Rachel can, too.” She held my gaze.
“But also, if you find the right woman — more to the point, the right person — the whole package is amazing. I’ve got it with Kate — she’s gorgeous, kind, cooks a mean spag bol and she’s a great lover. Plus, she puts up with my pregnancy mood swings like a champ. You don’t know that with Rachel yet, but she could be your one. Yes, you’re in the public eye, but you don’t have to live-stream everything you do. You can have time just the two of you, and that’s what matters.”
I looked at her. “You think I’m strong enough to cope? Even though I’m a bag of nerves and scared shitless?”
“You’re plenty strong enough,” Meg replied. “And if you’re feeling scared and unprepared, that’s good. That’s what happens with all the best things in life: having kids, buying a house, starting a new relationship.” She patted her belly. “I’ve got a new person coming into my life very soon — and he or she is never going to leave. You think I’m not scared?”
I hadn’t thought about that. “Are you?”
“Scared out of my tree. But I’m also so excited to finally meet this little person. Aren’t you excited you might have met someone who could be so important in your life?”
I nodded. “I really am. I’ve never felt like this before, ever.”
Meg shook her head, smiling. “I’d say that’s all you need to know.”
Chapter 28
I hadn’t been back to Woolwich since the video had emerged a week earlier, but it seemed so much longer than a week — it seemed like an eternity.
This morning, the bankside had the familiar Thames smell that clung to your nose, and its tendrils embraced me as I approached Tanya and Rachel’s block of flats, my heart thumping that little bit harder in my chest. Just being this close to Rachel sent jitters pulsing through me like electrolytes.
