by Clare Lydon
The weather was turning slowly from summer to autumn, with the wind possessing milk teeth — enough that I’d worn a scarf. I rubbed my eye as some dirt swirled up from the pavement and lodged itself there: it was always windier by the river, that was just the law.
Tanya had called me last night, telling me she’d spoken to Meg, and she wanted to see me before the shoot.
So here I was, at 10am sharp.
“The wanderer returns.”
I turned to see Tanya walking up behind me, dressed in jeans and a green sweatshirt, Delilah scuttling at her feet.
Delilah jumped at my leg and gave me a bark, and I petted her. Her brown and black coat shone in the morning demi-sunshine.
I was here for the shoot today, coming to meet Rachel and Jake again finally, after last weekend. I knew Rachel had seen Jake, smoothed things out, but I had all that to come. To say I was nervous was an understatement.
“So how are you? Still feeling at least 50 per cent lesbian? Because I’ve heard it fades if you don’t use it, so that’s just a warning.”
A smile invaded my cheeks. “Don’t start.”
“Somebody has to. But it’s good to see you’re out of hiding and ready to face the world. I know Jake and particularly Rachel will be thrilled to see you.” She paused. “According to Sophie, Rachel has been 100 per cent miserable all week, even while sleeping.”
I kicked a stone and watched as it crashed into the river wall, before giving her a sad smile. “That makes two of us.”
“If you hadn’t shown up today, Sophie and I had plans to drag Rachel round to yours and bang your heads together.”
“Thoughtful.” I plunged my hands into my jeans’ pockets. I knew now I should have stayed last week, should have talked it over with Rachel. Instead, I’d run like Cinderella hearing the chimes of midnight.
“I wanted to see you before you saw Rachel, to fill you in.”
My heart stuttered. Fill me in? “Go on.”
“I spoke to Meg yesterday and she told me what you’d told her. That you’re feeling more sorted, that you want to move on, that you’re ready to do this.”
I held her gaze, nodding again.
“Were you planning on letting Rachel know anytime soon?”
Rachel. Even her name made me nervous. “Rachel?”
“Dark hair, piercing blue eyes. You slept with her recently.”
I gave her a look.
“It’s just… I’m going out with her flatmate, and from what I hear she’s not doing too well.”
A punch to my heart. “Is she okay? What’s wrong?”
“You’re what’s wrong, Alice. Rachel thinks you’ve changed your mind, that you tried it, but it wasn’t for you.” She paused. “I told Sophie to tell her that’s not it at all, that you were just gathering yourself, but you need to let her know, too.”
“She thinks I’m not interested?” Was she crazy? Nothing could be further from the truth.
“Can you blame her? You left on Sunday and she’s barely had a text from you since. It’s been six days. Six days is a long time to sit and stew, even if you work the crazy shifts she does. It’s a lot of overcooked lamb cutlets, from what Sophie tells me.”
I took a huge gulp of air to steady myself as panic slid through me. I hoped Rachel would hear me out when we spoke today.
“Of course I’m interested, I just thought it was only fair to sort myself out first. What use am I to her if I’m still a blubbering mess? But I assumed she’d know I was coming back, eventually.”
A sigh. “Have you told her that?”
Well, no. “I haven’t spoken to her.”
Tanya pulled on Delilah’s lead as she was straining on it, barking at another dog walking by. “Well today’s your lucky day, because today you can. Promise me you will? Get this show on the road again, full steam ahead? No pussy-footing around? I hate being a go-between, so think of me, if nobody else?”
I nodded my head at double-speed. I wanted to sprint to Rachel now, to tell her everything. “No pussy-footing, I promise.”
“Because the sooner you mend things with her, the sooner we can have your coming-out barbecue.”
I cocked my head at Tanya. “My what now?”
“Your coming-out barbecue, remember? When you first told me about Rachel, we agreed we would.”
“That was before my coming out was the topic of such public discussion.”
“You say po-tay-to, I say po-tar-to. I still think we should have it and invite all the gays. We’ll have rainbow burgers and unicorn cocktails, it’ll be great.”
I made a face. “Can you let me talk to Rachel first? Let me see if she still wants me?”
She shrugged. “Okay, I’ll let you do that.” She glanced over her shoulder. “In fact, I’ll let you do it right now, it turns out.”
I swivelled to see Rachel walking towards me, her arm linked with Sophie’s.
My breath caught in my throat. We’d been set up, ambushed.
But I didn’t really mind, even though I still wasn’t quite prepared. Then again, I don’t think you’re ever prepared to take the first step in the next phase of your life, are you? Sometimes, you just have to take a leap of faith. Feel the fear and do it anyway, as Meg told me.
Tanya leaned into my ear, whispering: “Now play nicely and get this love story back on the road. I demand it, and your YouTube fans most definitely demand it.”
She gave my arm a squeeze as Rachel got within ten feet of me.
I didn’t even have time to give her a suitable rebuke, as all my powers were focused on Rachel, on how she looked, on how she was making me feel. All my thoughts and feelings, everything I wanted to say to her suddenly raced to the front of my brain, and I was overwhelmed.
Now she was right here, I wanted to tell her everything.
I love the way your right eyebrow arches one way.
I love the way your cheek twitches when you’re nervous, like now.
I’m sorry.
I’m scared I’m not good enough for you.
I want you.
You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
To make things better, I had to start somewhere.
I took a deep breath. “It’s so good to see you.” And it was. Even standing here awkwardly with Rachel was better than being anywhere away from her.
“You, too,” she said, putting out an arm — whether to steady herself or me, I wasn’t sure. “You look incredible.”
My eyes took in her strength, her beauty, her. “So do you.”
She was wearing black jeans and a white T-shirt, but she could have been wearing a bin liner for all I cared. So long as she was inside the wrapping, that was all that mattered. Her body, her mind, her everything.
I glanced behind me, and saw Tanya and Sophie walking off arm in arm, giving us both a wave as they left.
When I turned back, Rachel gave me a half-smile. “Did you know we were being set up?”
“I had a feeling.”
“I’m kinda glad, though.”
“Me, too.” A wave of warmth washed through me as I stared at her.
She indicated the bench on the edge of the path. Tanya’s bench. “You want to sit?”
We walked over, my nerves jangling like wire coat hangers.
“So how have you been?”
She laughed. “Terrible. I’ve been channelling my energy into working and then doing a lot of yoga. Sophie keeps moaning about the mat always being out, but what’s the point in putting it away? I need to focus on something.”
“Did you tell her it was my fault?”
She nodded. “I did.”
We paused. There was so much to say, and this seemed almost too public an environment to say it.
And as well as words, I was desperate to touch her, to feel her. To make sure that everything I’d been thinking all week was true.
That her touch was the one I craved most in the whole, wide world. I put out a hand, running my fingers over her
knuckle. She stilled on contact, as did I, a rocket of emotion shooting up my body.
Yes, it was still there.
She licked her lips, and my eyes followed.
“You’re staying for the shoot?”
I nodded. “Tanya persuaded me, and I figured I had to face my fears. You, Jake, the camera, do it all in one go. Tear off the plaster, quick and dirty.”
Once that was done, maybe I could move forward.
“Am I such a fear?” she asked, furrowing her brow.
When I inhaled, I shook. “Yes, because you mean so much.” I exhaled. “This, us, all of it.”
She put her hand on my arm. “I know.” A pause. “I’ve spoken to Jake, and he wants you to come, too, in case you were worried,” she added. “We’ve been chatting, and we’re on board with the channel, whatever else happens.”
Those last three words reached in and wrapped their fingers around my heart.
Whatever else happens.
I knew exactly what else I wanted to happen, and she was staring me in the face.
“And by the way, the advertisers have doubled their commitment to us, and I’ve had a number of enquiries this week,” Rachel added. “I just haven’t got back to them all as I haven’t been in the place to process them. Plus, I’ve been flat out at work, too.”
Guilt lathered itself into my skin. She hadn’t felt up to it because of me. I had a lot of work to do to make it up to Rachel.
I quirked an eyebrow. “Let me get this straight — advertisers saw us kiss and are now tripping over themselves to throw money at us?”
“I like to think it’s because the channel is truly taking off and because of the quality content we’re putting on the internet,” Rachel replied, not missing a beat.
“Perhaps it wasn’t the worst thing in the world, huh?”
“Not for the channel, no.”
She stared at me then, and the world stopped briefly.
I dropped my eyes to her lips, then back up to her.
“I’m sorry.” I knew those words weren’t enough, but it was a start. A line in the sand from which to jump forward and sort our lives out. “For all of it.”
She cocked her head. “For kissing me?”
I smiled. “Not that bit, even if it was caught on camera. That bit is the one part I’ll never regret.”
“You’re talking like it’s not going to happen again.” She sucked in a breath, her face pale.
I shook my head and took her hand. “On the contrary, that’s all I’ve been hoping will happen again. I mean, not all, but it’s a start, right?”
She nodded, but I could still see the uncertainty in her half-smile, in the trepidation of her stare.
I wanted Rachel to beam at me again, full blast, no brakes on, but I knew that might take a little while.
“I missed you so much this week. Throughout it all, even when I was waist-high in doubt and indecision, you were the constant ache. A delicious, constant ache. A Rachel-shaped hole in my life.”
She drew in a breath. “Tell me about the doubt.”
I shivered, the hairs on my arms standing up. I pulled my cardigan around me and gathered my thoughts. “It was never about you, or us.” My muscles tightened even more. “It was more about me. About shaking up my future, my life.”
“Like you told Jake.”
I nodded, screwing up my face. “And I know that might have sounded like I was doubting you and us, but I wasn’t. This is just big, for me.”
“For me, too.”
“I know that now.” I took her hand, squeezing it tight. A montage of the kissing video played in my head, along with me running away, not facing up to it. “And I hope you’ll give me a chance to truly explain.”
She stared at me.
“I just want you to know, this isn’t a phase. You’re not a phase. I want this, and I want us. And I’m sorry it took me so long to realise.”
Her whole body shivered and I could see her eyes glistening. She shook her head, checking her phone. “We can’t do this now — we’ve got a shoot in half an hour and make-up to apply.”
“I know,” I replied. “Plus, we can’t have panda eyes for the camera.”
She laughed, wiping the bottom of one eye. “Agreed.”
I was glad I’d said something at least, but there was much more to come.
“But as soon as we’re both free?”
She nodded. “It’s going to be Monday. I’m working today and tomorrow.”
My turn to wince. Now I’d seen her again, that seemed a lifetime. However, I’d waited a lifetime for her, so I’d survive two more days. “Monday it is.”
I stared at her lips, then shook myself. I couldn’t get into this now. I sat up straight, moved my head left, then right, and put on my game face.
“How do you think we should play this? Seeing as it’s our first shoot together since the last, infamous one.”
She exhaled, then sat back, considering my question. “Casual.” A firm nod. “Like it was nothing. Which it would have been, were we not two women, that’s the annoying part.”
“The internet is a feral place. But you know what? This time around, it really wasn’t so bad. There were a few comments you’d expect, but most people were happy for us.”
“Even Jake seems to have got over it pretty quickly,” she said, shaking her head. “Maybe he got laid, too.”
I grinned. “That might explain it.” I paused. “Or maybe our showdown the other week gave him closure, who knows?” I rolled my shoulders. “How about I make a small mention of last week at the end, but other than that, let’s just do a normal cooking show. It’s really no big deal, and let’s just play on that, okay?”
“Did you see we got a mention on the Huffington Post?”
I nodded. “I did — crazy.”
“And some PR got in touch to pitch the show to Ellen. Are you up for going on and telling your story to millions of people around the globe?”
I wasn’t at all, but if it meant smoothing the path for getting back together with Rachel, I guessed I was going to have to be. Like she said, we were public property now. I shivered before I spoke. “Sounds like I’m having the biggest coming out party in the entire world.”
“At least Ellen will be able to sympathise.”
I raised both eyebrows. “I guess she will.”
I followed Rachel’s slim fingers as she scratched the top of her nose: I so wanted to take them in mine, to kiss them one by one, to feel them on my skin, inside me.
A part of Rachel was inside me now, and I couldn’t avoid it anymore.
She stared at me, and a million emotions tumbled through me.
Away from her, I could think rationally. But once the proximity was narrowed, rationality vanished. My heart was pulling me in the direction of her, and I was powerless to stop it.
“I missed you so much this week,” she said, moving into my space, her lips inches from mine.
“I missed you, too. More than I ever thought possible to miss anyone.”
Did her moving this close mean she was willing to give us another try? I hoped so, because I couldn’t let her go again.
Not now, when I knew that everything I truly wanted was within my reach.
I stared at her, my heart clattering in my chest. And then I did what was the only thing to do. The thing I definitely couldn’t wait till Monday for.
I moved forward and pressed my lips to hers, and as soon as I did, the world righted itself. The touch of her soft, sure lips was all I needed for now. We’d get to everything else in time, but this was step one. This wasn’t a kiss of passion, more of reconnection, of saying everything was going to be alright.
And I desperately hoped that was true.
When we pulled apart seconds later, I let out a whimper. I opened my eyes, and her face was still close, her eyes smiling at me, her pupils dark.
“We should go,” she whispered.
I nodded, kissing her lips one more time.
Ther
e was so much more to say, but hopefully, we had time to do it.
Chapter 29
We went for a coffee after the shoot and talked things out between the three of us, agreeing that the channel came first, whatever was happening in our personal lives. I apologised to Jake, he apologised to both of us, and we agreed to put it all behind us. It was at times like these I remembered why I’d fallen for him, and knew I was lucky to have him in my life because he was being so good about everything. Probably better than I would have been had the tables been reversed.
Rachel had to leave for work after the coffee, so we rode the tube together back up to Marylebone, talking mundane stuff, arms pressed together. Whenever our eyes met, we both looked away, embarrassed. I wished we could spend the rest of the day together, but it wasn’t to be.
When I got home, Mum was waiting at the door.
“Well?” Her eyebrows were knotted together on her forehead.
My shoulders slumped. “It went okay. I mean, we haven’t talked yet, but it went fine. We did the show, Jake was really lovely to me and even gave me a hug when we left and told me he wanted me to be happy.”
“That boy is an angel, do you know that? He’s going to make someone a lovely husband.”
“You might have mentioned that once or twice.”
“Well, it’s true.”
She made me a cup of tea in my favourite red mug and we walked through to the balcony. Below, the gardener was trimming some hedges, but the sun was shielded from hitting this particular patch of London, the September clouds covering its brightness.
“And what about Rachel?”
It was a question I’d been asking myself since she’d left.
“Well, we did the show, we made a joke about watching right to the end because you never knew what might happen once the camera stopped rolling.”
Mum burst out laughing. “Very droll.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You’ve watched it, haven’t you?”
Her cheeks turned fire-engine red. “It just popped up on my iPad, I didn’t mean to.”
Great. So my mum had watched Rachel and I snogging.
“So now you understand my angst?”
She smiled. “I do, but it’s ever so exciting, too. You didn’t quite come out, more like you exploded out.” She leaned forward and patted my leg. “Barbara gave me that one, I thought it was very good.”
