Everything and More

by E. L. Todd

  “Let’s do this,” Chan said. “Winner takes all.”

  I felt uneasy about this. I didn’t want to fight Alex. It made me feel sick. I was supposed to protect her, not hurt her. I fitted my gloves but had to do it twice because I couldn’t concentrate.

  Alex walked to me, wearing her gi. “This is it, Theo. Your chance to redeem yourself.”

  I stared at my gloves.

  “You keep telling people you went easy on me and my victory wasn’t real. Well, here is your chance to prove otherwise.”

  “I really don’t feel comfortable doing this.”

  “No,” she said firmly. “You’re going to do this. You’re going to give me everything you have. I’m not going to go easy on you and I expect the same from you. I never want my victory to be downplayed with you saying you gave me the win.”

  “Alex, I can’t hit you,” I said firmly.

  She crossed her arms over her chest. “Well, you better. If not, you’re going to be in a lot of pain.” She walked away and headed back to her side of the ring.

  Gerald came to me. “Now we’ll see the truth once and for all.”

  I ignored him, hating the fact he had a thing for my girlfriend.

  “My money is on cutie,” he said.

  I grabbed him by the neck. “Don’t. Call. Her. That.”

  Chan intervened. “Save it for the match, Theo.”

  I threatened Gerald silently then dropped my hand.

  “Good…good.” Chan pulled me away.

  I stood in the center of the mat then bowed to Alex. She did the same.

  “Begin,” Chan called.

  Alex didn’t waste any time. She came at me immediately and kicked me in the stomach. I blocked then dodged out of the way. She came at me again, doing a complex number that hit me in multiple places. I blocked each hit then bounced on my feet.

  I needed to attack her but I couldn’t. When I thought about hitting her, it made me want to take my own life. I’d never forgive myself. Even though the parameters of the situation were different than our relationship, I still couldn’t do it. Instead, I blocked all her hits and dodged out of the way.

  “Come on, Theo,” Alex said. “Hit me.” She punched me in the face but I moved out of the way.

  She was a strong fighter, and she was fast. But I was faster. She couldn’t land her hits because I danced out of the way. If I were able to hit her back, the match would have been done already.

  I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to win the match, but I wanted to do it without hitting her in the process. It was impossible. There was no way it could happen. Even if I blocked all her hits until she tired out, it wouldn’t change anything. The match would continue indefinitely.

  When I thought about the childhood she had, it made me sad. She was constantly afraid, and her torturer in the group home only made her more frightened. Being able to defend herself was important to her. It gave her courage and strength. Instead of being insistent on winning because I was the man, I should just let her win. It was more important to her. It hurt my pride and made me seem weak, but what did it matter? It meant something to Alex.

  I decided to fold.

  I attacked her and missed my punch on purpose. She took advantage of the opportunity to hit me square in the jaw then kick me. Pretending to be angry, I flipped and kicked, but purposely landed in the wrong spot. She advanced and got a few more hits in. I continued the moves, letting her hit me repeatedly. The guys on the outside of the ring laughed as Alex took me down. I tuned it out and focused on why I was doing it.

  She tripped me to the mat and I took a while to get up, pretending to be injured.

  Chan blew the whistle. “Alex is the victor.”

  Alex didn’t cheer. She stared down at me with suspicious eyes. Then she extended her hand and helped me to my feet. “Did you let me win?” she asked.

  I looked into her eyes. “No.”

  “Are you lying to me?” she demanded.

  I kept a straight face. “No. You won, Alex.”

  She continued to stare at me. Then, finally, she believed me. “Good match.” She shook my hand.

  “Yeah.” I shook hers then smiled.

  “I won!” Alex clapped and jumped. “I won!”

  “High-five.” Gerald smacked his hand against hers.

  I watched her, noting how happy she was. It was all worth it, even if everyone thought I was a pussy.

  Chan stood beside me. “That was very nice of you.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “You gave her what she needed.” He had a twinkle in his eye.

  I raised an eyebrow. “Now you believe I let her win? Why not before?”

  “Well, you didn’t love her before. Now you do.” He clapped my shoulder. “You’ll be teased forever. I hope you’re ready for that.”

  I looked at Alex again, seeing her do her victory dance. “I’ll manage.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Silke

  “I can’t believe I’m graduating,” I said. “When I started school, I thought four years couldn’t go by quick enough. But now it’s over.”

  Arsen lay beside me in bed. “It looks like you made it to the other side in one piece, kid.”

  “Kid?” I asked with a laugh.

  “Yeah, you’re still a kid to me.”

  “Um, pedophile?”

  He smirked. “You know what I mean.” He moved me to his chest. “I’m proud of you. It’s an accomplishment you should cherish. Not just anybody could do what you did.”

  “You can do anything you put your mind to.” I rested my face on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

  “For some people,” he said quietly.

  I didn’t challenge him. When we discussed this topic, all we did was fight. Arsen had it ingrained in his blood that he was worthless and a waste of space. He believed he was a horrible person, and nothing I said would change that.

  There was a conversation we needed to have, and I was really dreading it. But I couldn’t postpone it any longer. I was running out of time. “When I graduate, I want to move back to Manhattan. All my friends and family are there.”

  He lit a cigarette then inhaled the smoke while he stared at the ceiling. “Sounds like a good plan.”

  He was playing stupid on purpose. “I want you to come with me, Arsen.”

  The annoyance burned in his voice but he didn’t let it escape. He was doing his best to remain calm. His jaw was clenched tightly. “To do what, baby? My business and clients are here.”

  “You need to quit.”

  He took another drag. “And do what? Take tokens at the subway?”

  I didn’t raise my voice. The second I did, we would butt heads. “We’ll figure something out when we get there.”

  “Just figure it out?” he asked incredulously. “Just wing it?”

  “Arsen, it’s a perfect opportunity to start over.”

  “People like me don’t start over. And we don’t deserve to.”

  “Just because your mother and father abandoned you doesn’t make you a bad person.”

  “You’re right,” he said bitterly. “It doesn’t. What I do makes me a bad person.”

  “You’ve done nothing.”

  He released the smoke from his mouth. “I’ve done unspeakable things, Silke. I already told you that.”

  “Everyone deserves a second chance.”

  “No, they don’t,” he snapped. “Believe me.”

  I was growing impatient. “You’re coming with me. End of story.”

  “End of story?” he asked with a laugh. “You’re bossing me around now?”

  “Yeah,” I snapped. “That’s what’s going to happen. I’m not going to stay here. So, if you don’t come with me, you lose me.”

  He breathed in the cigarette without looking at me.

  “There’s no other way, Arsen. If you don’t do this, you lose me.”

  “I should lose you.”

  I sighed. “You’re really getting on
my nerves with this stupid bad boy act. I know there’s more to you than you let on. We established this already. Now knock it off.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” he said sarcastically. “Did I upset the little rich girl?”

  I swallowed the insult and kept my cool. I got out of bed and dressed myself.

  He watched me. “What are you doing?”

  “Get dressed.”

  He stared at me blankly.

  I threw his jeans at him. “I said get dressed.”

  He put out his cigarette then sat up. “Why?”

  “I’m kicking you out of my apartment.”

  “Oh, really?”

  “Yes, really,” I said calmly. “I can put up with anything you throw at me, but I can’t keep having the same conversation with you. Just when we get close and tell each other how we feel, you freak out again. I don’t care if you sell weed, I don’t care if you’ve killed someone, and I don’t care that you didn’t graduate high school. None of that means anything to me.”

  “Then what does mean something to you?”

  “I want us to be united. I want us to be a team. I don’t want to constantly remind you why we’re together. When I say I’m moving, you should say you’re coming with me. How many times have you told me I’m the only thing that matters to you? I can’t even count. So, you’re going to close up your business—for good—and you’re coming with me. If you have a problem with that or you’re going to make it as difficult as possible, then I can’t be in this relationship anymore. My patience for you is running out. I’m sympathetic toward you and everything you’ve been through, but I don’t tolerate bullshit. If you don’t treat me right, I’m gone.”

  He didn’t look at me as he processed my words.

  “So, if you refuse to give up your business, and you refuse to move with me, then get out. Don’t call me again and don’t drag me along. Because every time you make it seem like you love me, you just let me down. So, this is it. Make your decision.”

  He put out the cigarette then stayed on my bed. He rested his elbows on his knees while he sat in silence.

  I patiently waited for a response.

  “Beauty,” he said calmly. “Selling weed is all I know. It took me a long time to build up clients and make the kind of money I make. I have a comfortable life, and more money than I need. It’s hard to throw something like that away.”

  “I understand,” I said quietly. “But selling weed is illegal. You’ll get caught eventually, and you almost put me in danger because of it. You can’t do it anymore.”

  He nodded. “And what will I do in New York?”

  “I don’t know,” I said honestly. “But we’ll figure it out—together.”

  He fell quiet again. “When are you moving?”

  “In a week or so.”

  He rubbed the back of his neck.

  I wanted to press him for an answer but I kept my silence.

  “I need time to tie up loose ends,” he said with a sigh. “I need to remove the plants in my apartment and sell the rest of the stuff I have. I can’t just get up and leave right this second. I need some time.”

  My heart accelerated. “Then you’re coming with me?”

  He nodded.

  I moved back to the bed then got into his lap. “Thank you.”

  “You know I can’t live without you,” he whispered. “Every time you threaten to leave me, I cave.”

  I cupped his face and kissed him. “You’re making the right decision, Beast. I know you’re scared, but it’ll be okay.”

  He sighed and closed his eyes. “Somehow, you make me a better man.”

  “No.” I kissed him again. “You’re doing that all on your own.”

  ***

  Arsen hadn’t called me in three days. I knew he was busy getting ready and selling the plants in his apartment, but I was eager to talk to him. In the back of my mind, I was scared he changed his mind about everything. Unable to stand the silence any longer, I called him.

  He didn’t answer.

  I tried to remain calm. I put my phone down and waited for him to call me back. He always answered when I called. But maybe he was busy doing something. I’d have to be patient and wait.

  When the next day came and went, my anxiety only increased. I called him again and sent him a text message. I stared at the screen and waited for a response.

  Nothing.

  I was starting to panic. What do I do? Maybe he lost his phone. But if he did, he would come over to my place and tell me. Why was he being silent? Did he change his mind and abandon me?

  By the third day, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was graduating soon and didn’t know what else to do. He’d never ignored me like this. I drove to his apartment in Boston. When I looked at the parking lot, I didn’t see his Harley anywhere.

  I headed up the stairs to his apartment, but it was blocked off with yellow tape. I tried to remain calm and not freak out. What was going on? What did that mean? I went to the landlord’s office hoping to find answers there but the office was locked and he was out to lunch.

  Oh my god. Oh my god.

  My phone rang in my pocket. When I looked at the screen, it was from a number I didn’t recognize. I answered it, hoping it might be him. “Hello?” My voice was full of distress.

  “Beauty?”

  My heart finally slowed down and I could breathe again. “Arsen, what’s going on?”

  “I only have a minute. Let me talk.”

  He only had a minute?

  “I’m in prison.”

  What? “Why?”

  “I was busted for the weed…and a few other things. I’ve been here for a few days. I used my first phone call for my lawyer. I bugged them so I could call you. I’m sorry…I don’t know what to say.”

  I couldn’t breathe again. “I don’t understand…”

  His voice sounded pained. “I’m sorry this happened. I’m sorry I won’t be at your graduation. I’m sorry for everything.”

  Tears leaked from my eyes. “But—”

  “Silke, they’re making me get off.” He hung up without another word.

  I dropped the phone to the ground and fell to my knees.

  ***

  I headed to the prison during visiting hours and went through the long process of checking in. My hands were shaking because I couldn’t believe Arsen was inside. Just looking at the dirty tile and metal bars made me scared. The idea of Arsen being trapped there hurt my heart.

  I was led to a room full of tables. Different family members were sitting down while men in orange jumpsuits sat across from them. They were handcuffed to the tables.

  “Here,” the officer said. He pointed for me to sit down.

  I did as I was told without speaking.

  Then the guard ushered Arsen inside.

  He was wearing an orange jumpsuit, and his hair was messy. His eyes didn’t have the same light as they used to. He was escorted to a seat then handcuffs were put around his wrists.

  The sight made me want to cry.

  “Fifteen minutes.” The guard walked away.

  Arsen stared at me.

  I stared back.

  I got up then moved to his side of the table then hugged him. I wrapped my arms tight around him like it would make him feel better, protect him from the horrible life he must live behind those bars. He moved his hands slightly then touched me as much as he could.

  I cupped his face and kissed him. My lips sought his, trying to find comfort in the situation. He returned my affection with equal passion.

  “Knock it off,” the guard said. “Back in your seat.”

  I reluctantly left his arms then moved back into my chair. But it took all my strength to do it. When the guard was gone, I spoke. “What…happened?”

  He shrugged. “Someone tipped the police off. When they searched me, they found weed on me. Then they had a warrant to search my place. It was downhill from there.” He spoke like he was talking about the weather.

  “But…sell
ing weed isn’t a big deal, right? Why are you in prison?”

  He rested his hands on the table. “I’ve been caught for possession of marijuana before—twice actually. And selling weed is a felony.”

  I covered my mouth and gasped.

  Arsen’s face was stoic. It didn’t seem like he cared.

  “I’m going to get you out of here.” I rested my hand on his then interlocked our fingers together.

  “Beauty, there’s nothing you can do.”

  “I know a lot of powerful people—”

  “I have a lot of other charges too…”

  “Like what?” I asked, frightened.

  He shrugged. “Grand theft auto, possession of a weapon, robbery…”

  I stared at our hands, unable to look at his face.

  “I told you I wasn’t a good guy, Silke.”

  “You did all those things before you knew me.”

  “That still doesn’t make me a good person,” he whispered.

  I tried to remain calm. “How long…will you be in here?”

  “At least a year, maybe two.” He shrugged. “It’s hard to tell. The judge will say one thing, but sometimes you get probation for good behavior. I wouldn’t count on that for me though.”

  I didn’t get emotional about it. I just tried to think logically. “That’s not that long…we’ll manage.”

  “We’ll manage?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I’ll come see you every week, and when you get out, we’ll be back to normal. You won’t sell weed anymore. It’ll be okay.”

  He gave me a look I’d never seen before.

  “Maybe if we get married, they’ll let me see you more often.”

  He clenched both of his fists on the table. “Silke.” He clenched his jaw while he said it. “I’m sitting in fucking prison. Do you not understand the gravity of the situation? Do you not understand what that means?” His eyes burned in anger.

  “I…it doesn’t change anything.”

  He leaned forward, his voice low and deadly. “It changes everything. I’m a convicted criminal. I have a permanent record. I use a toilet in front of three other guys.”

  I averted my gaze.

  “Look. At. Me.”

  I turned to him even though I didn’t want to.

  “I will never amount to anything now. I can’t get a job. I can’t go to school. I can’t qualify for any government help. And you want to marry me?” His voice carried his disdain. “You want to throw your life away on me?”